2 ms·

This is exactly it. The person who resents me most for my disability is my wife. I don’t blame her, and I do my best to reign in my disability, but it’s not pos

This is exactly it. The person who resents me most for my disability is my wife. I don’t blame her, and I do my best to reign in my disability, but it’s not possible for me to function the way she wishes I could. I put everything I’ve got into a) making sure I don’t get fired because I earn about 4x more than her, b) pour all the energy I can into my kids because I see how fast they’re growing up, and by that point, I’ve already disappointed her too much to repair things. I’ve tried countless strategies to get around this, but the unfortunate truth is that I’m a nice person yet an awful partner. I have serious limitations that I wish I was aware of before I “trapped” her in this. Rule one of ADHD: you probably lack a lot of self awareness and it can be genuinely awful for people you live with.

TeMPOraL 4y ago
I feel for you, and I wish things to turn around for the better for you and your wife. Myself, I'm worried I'm 75% there. I.e. I'm also doing your a) and b), but we both still think the overall relationship is salvageable. > I do my best to reign in my disability, but it’s not possible for me to function the way she wishes I could. Same here, and my wife is also willing to adapt to my needs, but here's a thing: I can't always tell whether some adjustment is an actual need, or just some random guess I came up out of frustration. I also have a life-long habit of molding myself into the person the people need me to be, and couple with being diagnosed well into my 30s... things are improving, but it's kind of a random walk. > Rule one of ADHD: you probably lack a lot of self awareness and it can be genuinely awful for people you live with. I'm not the best person to judge this, but I think I actually do have quite a lot of self-awareness, so I hesitantly propose Rule 1A: if you do have a lot of self awareness, it's even worse, because you can see how awful it is for people you live with, and can't do a thing about it.
- steve_adams_86 4y ago
  > here's a thing: I can't always tell whether some adjustment is an actual need Yes! I struggle with this a lot. Despite talking about things and me putting genuine effort into making improvements, I continually seem to make changes which miss the mark. It’s as though we speak the same language with different meanings. > life-long habit of molding myself Likewise, and it’s not always crystal clear to me when I’m doing it, either. It’s becoming clearer over time, but even when I know, it isn’t trivial to just stop. Similar to you, I wasn’t diagnosed until age 35 or so, and a lot of these habits and mannerisms are very deeply baked in. > Rule 1A I agree completely. I won’t claim to be a bastion of self awareness, but I will say that the awareness I do have is a major source of pain and frustration at times. Similar to the author in the article, I’ve come to see the inevitability of it all and I try to be frustrated less, and more accountable and constructive instead. It can be sort of paralyzing to dwell on it. Thanks for the thoughtful response. I hope you make progress on this too. We were diagnosed late, but there’s no reason we can’t gradually shift the tides and begin making steady improvements.
danenania 4y ago
For what it’s worth, I get the impression that you’re being way too hard on yourself. Struggling in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re an awful partner. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes those react in relationships in unfortunate ways. It’s never just one person who is responsible. It sounds like at the very least, you’re doing two extremely important things well: providing financially and being engaged as a father. Whatever your weaknesses might be, those are two huge strengths. Don’t sell yourself short on those.
- steve_adams_86 4y ago
  Thank you. I try to remind myself that providing does matter, and focusing on being a dad is something I won’t get to do forever that could have a substantially positive impact on my kid’s lives. If they’re things I do well and they make my family’s life better, it’s something, right? I think the key sometimes is forgiving myself for not being everything for everyone. It sounds absurd when it’s written out like that, but is something I genuinely struggle with. Thanks, thinking that through has actually helped me feel better about things.
bitexploder 4y ago
Always be kind to yourself. You can be stern too. But always kind. ADHD can be a lot for some NT people and your wife has unreasonable expectations about what you are and aren’t capable of in a given day. Your partner seems like they try to understand you from a NT lens and that is bound to create a big disconnect. I know I have my relationship flaws but a little open understanding and empathy can bring two people so much closer in their shared view.
- steve_adams_86 4y ago
  > Always be kind to yourself. You can be stern too. But always kind. You’re right, and this is something I often forget to do. You’re also right that my wife looks at things through a NT lens, and I often wonder if I wouldn’t too if I was NT. I don’t blame her at all, but it undoubtedly creates friction that seems unhelpful or unnecessary. Thanks for the kind words and reminder to be kind.

TeMPOraL 4y ago

I feel for you, and I wish things to turn around for the better for you and your wife. Myself, I'm worried I'm 75% there. I.e. I'm also doing your a) and b), but we both still think the overall relationship is salvageable. > I do my best to reign in my disability, but it’s not possible for me to function the way she wishes I could. Same here, and my wife is also willing to adapt to my needs, but here's a thing: I can't always tell whether some adjustment is an actual need, or just some random guess I came up out of frustration. I also have a life-long habit of molding myself into the person the people need me to be, and couple with being diagnosed well into my 30s... things are improving, but it's kind of a random walk. > Rule one of ADHD: you probably lack a lot of self awareness and it can be genuinely awful for people you live with. I'm not the best person to judge this, but I think I actually do have quite a lot of self-awareness, so I hesitantly propose Rule 1A: if you do have a lot of self awareness, it's even worse, because you can see how awful it is for people you live with, and can't do a thing about it.

steve_adams_86 4y ago
> here's a thing: I can't always tell whether some adjustment is an actual need Yes! I struggle with this a lot. Despite talking about things and me putting genuine effort into making improvements, I continually seem to make changes which miss the mark. It’s as though we speak the same language with different meanings. > life-long habit of molding myself Likewise, and it’s not always crystal clear to me when I’m doing it, either. It’s becoming clearer over time, but even when I know, it isn’t trivial to just stop. Similar to you, I wasn’t diagnosed until age 35 or so, and a lot of these habits and mannerisms are very deeply baked in. > Rule 1A I agree completely. I won’t claim to be a bastion of self awareness, but I will say that the awareness I do have is a major source of pain and frustration at times. Similar to the author in the article, I’ve come to see the inevitability of it all and I try to be frustrated less, and more accountable and constructive instead. It can be sort of paralyzing to dwell on it. Thanks for the thoughtful response. I hope you make progress on this too. We were diagnosed late, but there’s no reason we can’t gradually shift the tides and begin making steady improvements.

danenania 4y ago

For what it’s worth, I get the impression that you’re being way too hard on yourself. Struggling in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re an awful partner. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes those react in relationships in unfortunate ways. It’s never just one person who is responsible. It sounds like at the very least, you’re doing two extremely important things well: providing financially and being engaged as a father. Whatever your weaknesses might be, those are two huge strengths. Don’t sell yourself short on those.

steve_adams_86 4y ago
Thank you. I try to remind myself that providing does matter, and focusing on being a dad is something I won’t get to do forever that could have a substantially positive impact on my kid’s lives. If they’re things I do well and they make my family’s life better, it’s something, right? I think the key sometimes is forgiving myself for not being everything for everyone. It sounds absurd when it’s written out like that, but is something I genuinely struggle with. Thanks, thinking that through has actually helped me feel better about things.

bitexploder 4y ago

Always be kind to yourself. You can be stern too. But always kind. ADHD can be a lot for some NT people and your wife has unreasonable expectations about what you are and aren’t capable of in a given day. Your partner seems like they try to understand you from a NT lens and that is bound to create a big disconnect. I know I have my relationship flaws but a little open understanding and empathy can bring two people so much closer in their shared view.

steve_adams_86 4y ago
> Always be kind to yourself. You can be stern too. But always kind. You’re right, and this is something I often forget to do. You’re also right that my wife looks at things through a NT lens, and I often wonder if I wouldn’t too if I was NT. I don’t blame her at all, but it undoubtedly creates friction that seems unhelpful or unnecessary. Thanks for the kind words and reminder to be kind.