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Everyone here is looking for ways to make unsolicited suggestions in a diplomatic way. Even with extra language this can be irritating to reply to. I’ve learned

Everyone here is looking for ways to make unsolicited suggestions in a diplomatic way. Even with extra language this can be irritating to reply to. I’ve learned to first ask if there is anything I can do to help, rather than immediately making suggestions. Often times people are doing just fine working through a problem, and may want to communicate the status without receiving advice on how to solve it. For interpersonal situations, people often just want to be heard without any advice being given. A simple “I hear what you’re going through and I’m here if you need anything” is way better than finding ways to immediately offer advice, but I believe this applies to professional situations as well.

LeroyRaz 4y ago
I appreciate unsolicited feedback. I don't know why people are so anti it...
- dinvlad 4y ago
  For a lot of folks, they either just want to be heard/understood, or they may not even recognize if there’s a problem (i.e. they have anosognosia). Imagine someone forcing their opinion when a person is at their most vulnerable, it’s most often perceived as just patronizing/dismissing their concerns, or as an outright attack. Active listening and developing trust first is key.
bstpierre 4y ago
If you’ve been asked to help troubleshoot or fix a broken system then it’s not really unsolicited. Often if I’m the person who is stuck I’m totally willing to let a new set of eyes offer all of the “obvious” things that have already tried, because while it’s usually just a rehash, there are occasionally “but what about” cases that haven’t been checked yet. And if we don’t find anything new, at least the helper is now up to speed on what’s already been covered.
- TaylorAlexander 4y ago
  Certainly if you have been asked for help then offering advice is fine. But often people will jump straight to offering advice without even establishing that the person wants help, and I wanted to call attention to that behavior.
cat_plus_plus 4y ago
Are we talking about work or marriage? If someone wants to interrupt another person's work, they should be gracious enough to first try obvious suggestions and explain why that didn't solve the problem. Just listening is great in personal relationships when the focus is on the journey rather than the destination.
- TaylorAlexander 4y ago
  As I said I believe this applies equally to professional settings and interpersonal relationships. I don’t see why interrupting someone’s work and offering unsolicited suggestions should be considered gracious. It sounds irritating to me. Listening is very valuable in professional situations!
actionablefiber 4y ago
This is certainly sometimes true, but when someone is explicitly asking for help, making suggestions that are too "obvious" may come off as condescending or, if the other person hadn't tried it, put them on the defensive. For instance you might suggest something like "turn it off and on again" and the other person might say "duh, I already tried that and it didn't work, I wouldn't have come to you otherwise" or worse they might not have tried it but the way you suggest it as a blindingly obvious course of action makes them feel bad for not having tried it.
- corobo 4y ago
  Can't you ask "What have you tried so far?". I can't imagine that being taken weirdly.
  - hnfong 4y ago
    In some situations could result in a 30 minute speech though.
    - corobo 4y ago
      That's unfortunate but if the user has done something that takes 30 minutes to explain it's probably worth listening.
    - TaylorAlexander 4y ago
      That has got to be a very rare occurrence. Asking first is in my opinion the best advice. If in rare situations the person is giving a long winded or incoherent answer it should be okay to interrupt, but to avoid asking them what they tried on the off chance they are a poor communicator seems to me a bad tactic.

LeroyRaz 4y ago

I appreciate unsolicited feedback. I don't know why people are so anti it...

dinvlad 4y ago
For a lot of folks, they either just want to be heard/understood, or they may not even recognize if there’s a problem (i.e. they have anosognosia). Imagine someone forcing their opinion when a person is at their most vulnerable, it’s most often perceived as just patronizing/dismissing their concerns, or as an outright attack. Active listening and developing trust first is key.

bstpierre 4y ago

If you’ve been asked to help troubleshoot or fix a broken system then it’s not really unsolicited. Often if I’m the person who is stuck I’m totally willing to let a new set of eyes offer all of the “obvious” things that have already tried, because while it’s usually just a rehash, there are occasionally “but what about” cases that haven’t been checked yet. And if we don’t find anything new, at least the helper is now up to speed on what’s already been covered.

TaylorAlexander 4y ago
Certainly if you have been asked for help then offering advice is fine. But often people will jump straight to offering advice without even establishing that the person wants help, and I wanted to call attention to that behavior.

cat_plus_plus 4y ago

Are we talking about work or marriage? If someone wants to interrupt another person's work, they should be gracious enough to first try obvious suggestions and explain why that didn't solve the problem. Just listening is great in personal relationships when the focus is on the journey rather than the destination.

TaylorAlexander 4y ago
As I said I believe this applies equally to professional settings and interpersonal relationships. I don’t see why interrupting someone’s work and offering unsolicited suggestions should be considered gracious. It sounds irritating to me. Listening is very valuable in professional situations!

actionablefiber 4y ago

This is certainly sometimes true, but when someone is explicitly asking for help, making suggestions that are too "obvious" may come off as condescending or, if the other person hadn't tried it, put them on the defensive. For instance you might suggest something like "turn it off and on again" and the other person might say "duh, I already tried that and it didn't work, I wouldn't have come to you otherwise" or worse they might not have tried it but the way you suggest it as a blindingly obvious course of action makes them feel bad for not having tried it.

corobo 4y ago
Can't you ask "What have you tried so far?". I can't imagine that being taken weirdly.
- hnfong 4y ago
  In some situations could result in a 30 minute speech though.
  - corobo 4y ago
    That's unfortunate but if the user has done something that takes 30 minutes to explain it's probably worth listening.
  - TaylorAlexander 4y ago
    That has got to be a very rare occurrence. Asking first is in my opinion the best advice. If in rare situations the person is giving a long winded or incoherent answer it should be okay to interrupt, but to avoid asking them what they tried on the off chance they are a poor communicator seems to me a bad tactic.