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> Wouldn't your lack of bad conflict regarding money be less about the fact that you combined finances, and more about you yielding to the conflict and acceptin

> Wouldn't your lack of bad conflict regarding money be less about the fact that you combined finances, and more about you yielding to the conflict and accepting its presence in a different way? A simpler way to put it is we communicate with each other our plans for the use of our money, especially when it concerns larger amounts. And it's easier to think of it being "our money" when it's pooled in shared accounts. > Based on your choice of words, it seems like budgeting is a option rather than critical, so if that's the case, how would you approach things if both of you needed to have the same relationship with spending? What do you mean by "needed to have the same relationship with spending"? Whether we budget or not depends on our financial circumstances. In leaner times, budgets become critical. Most of all, it's a monthly opportunity to talk about the family's financial health and spending/saving/giving priorities. If somebody is spending too much or conversely, being too thrifty, we talk about it. > It would seem to me like combining finances would only lead to less actual conflict (good or bad) if you've both already synchronized your relationship to the money coming in, rather than a solution in itself. I don't fully understand what you mean by "synchronizing your relationship to the money coming in". If it's a fancy way of saying "we talk about the money we earn and how we spend/save/give it", then yes, we do. I agree that pooling finances is not the whole solution. The main solution/bad conflict preventer is thoughtful communication and trust. To use a git/coding analogy, studies have shown the act of combining finances is a small (but important) commit on the trunk of your overall commitment to each other in marriage.

brailsafe 4y ago
I think your first clarification answered my question. It just seemed like you were saying something along the lines of "I'm interested in being diligent about the finances, and she pays less attention but occasionally agrees to talk about it" which would indicate there's some level of disagreement in spending patterns from the same pool of cash. But I think that was just a misinterpretation of how you initially phrased your comment and I'd agree with your last paragraph.
- odysseus 4y ago
  In most (but definitely not all) relationships, one person is more diligent about finances, and the other person is a bit of a free spirit ("budgets are boring"). Is there disagreement? Sure. But not at budget reviews - we agree on shared goals. More at the level of "I'm thinking of buying a ..." We check each other. Sometimes we convince the other to not to buy something, other times it's totally OK, and in a few, we compromise/disagree and commit. Each person understands the financial + practical consequences in that last case. The important thing is there's easygoing communication happening before big money actually gets spent (or not spent). There's no hiding purchases (or accounts) from the other person. Everything is out in the open. There's also "blow money" / "fun money" - a sum allocated to each spouse that they can spend or save on whatever they want - no discussion necessary. ----- (I have relatives that are both free spirits, and in that case, it's tough to see so much money flying out the window. But they keep their income up, and they also automate a lot of their savings so they don't have to think about it.)

brailsafe 4y ago

I think your first clarification answered my question. It just seemed like you were saying something along the lines of "I'm interested in being diligent about the finances, and she pays less attention but occasionally agrees to talk about it" which would indicate there's some level of disagreement in spending patterns from the same pool of cash. But I think that was just a misinterpretation of how you initially phrased your comment and I'd agree with your last paragraph.

odysseus 4y ago
In most (but definitely not all) relationships, one person is more diligent about finances, and the other person is a bit of a free spirit ("budgets are boring"). Is there disagreement? Sure. But not at budget reviews - we agree on shared goals. More at the level of "I'm thinking of buying a ..." We check each other. Sometimes we convince the other to not to buy something, other times it's totally OK, and in a few, we compromise/disagree and commit. Each person understands the financial + practical consequences in that last case. The important thing is there's easygoing communication happening before big money actually gets spent (or not spent). There's no hiding purchases (or accounts) from the other person. Everything is out in the open. There's also "blow money" / "fun money" - a sum allocated to each spouse that they can spend or save on whatever they want - no discussion necessary. ----- (I have relatives that are both free spirits, and in that case, it's tough to see so much money flying out the window. But they keep their income up, and they also automate a lot of their savings so they don't have to think about it.)