4 ms·

I wish I could see marriage this way. After being with my girlfriend for almost 7 years, we married. Turns out, a few days before the wedding she started an aff

I wish I could see marriage this way. After being with my girlfriend for almost 7 years, we married. Turns out, a few days before the wedding she started an affair with the leader of her theatre group, whom she invited with the group to our wedding apero, to play some theatre plays for us. Two months later, she spilled the beans, and so much shit has happened since, that I can't look at a couple without thinking which one is cheating the other or if they are cheating their partners together. Living in a country where there is no apparent social consequence for adultery has pushed me to the point where I don't want anything to do with what marriage or relationships represent. I left the country I grew up in to come here for this girl, and I'll be leaving without getting the divorce most people would want. I can't face it, and don't give a rat's ass about all of that anymore. Just getting my life back, and finding some inner peace again is all that matters. I've also left suicide as an option open, but I've got one plan ahead of that which is just to stand up and walk away, loose ends untied. My point is, the meaning that most people take for granted from an intimate relationship with someone, for me personally, has died. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice so much for someone else, because it took so much from everyday since. The trauma steals your life because your mind simply isn't capable of thinking of anything else anymore. The conflict of loving someone and at the same time hating that part of them that destroyed you, is a paradox that makes it impossible to be blind to the reality that you can no longer trust anyone with your life. I'll be glad to get out of this heartless country and back into the sunshine, where people have the balls to speak their mind and call a bastard a bastard, and a bitch a bitch.

rehack 15y ago
Brother, don't do it for this lady's sake. You clearly deserve better. Just give life a chance, and I think you are doing the right thing by moving.
- Mz 15y ago
  You remind me of a line from a TV show (I think an episode of "Quantum Leap") where a woman has just been dumped by her married lover (or something along those lines) and someone talks her out of committing suicide by telling her something to the effect that if she kills herself over him, that would just send him the message she "couldn't live without him" and feed his ego and is that really what she wants to "say" to him?
  - justaname 15y ago
    Well, the frustrating thing about love, even after betrayal, is that your biological make up makes you believe you need that person. It took me a long time before I lost hope and decided even feeling that way wasn't worth being with that person. You can only be walked over so much before there's no other option but to say fuck it, I've had enough. As for killing myself, to cause her pain. It just doesn't work, because I don't get to see what effect it has. And she'll get over it far too quickly, anyway.
    - Mz 15y ago
      Not to put you down, but I seriously doubt you are as acquainted with relationship drama as I am. It can be gotten past. Below is the link to my blog, where I have spent the past few months "anonymously" talking about my love life, debugging my own wetware, blah blah blah. It is specifically the link to the archive. I suggest you start at the beginning and go through it in chronological order (edit: Though the beginning is kind of slow and things don't pick up until mid June, I suggest you bear with it). Consider it a Christmas gift (because I have so far mostly tried to keep this off HN -- I really don't need 500 men hitting on me). However, I have added a donate button and I have a t-shirt in mind I want to create. Given my current situation (which I know you know about since you replied here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3350035 http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3350035), any suggestions on how to monetize it are welcome. I think it's a good read. I'm not asking for charity (if you get value out of reading it and donate, hey, that's not charity. Comics do that all the time). I just historically have never managed to get much monetary value back for what I put out there and I would like to change that. http://www.novemberwest.com/blog/archive/ http://www.novemberwest.com/blog/archive/ Peace and happy holidays. I'm going to go to work now.
      - justaname 15y ago
        > Not to put you down, but I seriously doubt you are as acquainted with relationship drama as I am. Ouch..
        15y ago
- justaname 15y ago
  Actually, if I did, it wouldn't even be for this female, but simply to get relief from the emotional and mental torment that I have to endure most days. Turns out I'm a fighter, and I intend to make it, but when things go down far enough, you just never know, because things feel bad enough that it becomes a serious consideration. Right now, it's not an option. I know that I'll quit my job and flat next month, and head back home 4 months later (everything has 3 months notice in this country). It is sad to have lost so much. And I know people have been through much worse, and right now there are other people that are going through ten kinds of hell, and I can even understand them a little. When the pain was really bad, one thing that I thought I could really understand well and empathise with was a parent that loses his or her child. You can't understand what it's like unless you go through it yourself. And the reality is, that that sort of trauma changes everything. Who you are diverges so much that it's impossible to merge back into the main line. You're completely forked.
  - rehack 15y ago
    Actually, if I did, it wouldn't even be for this female, but simply to get relief from the emotional and mental torment that I have to endure most days Looks like you are already feeling better. From the other comment, I came to know that you have managed to get over the dependency. So now hopefully, it should only get better. But even the journey to recovery has its down days. Turns out I'm a fighter, and I intend to make it, but when things go down far enough, you just never know, because things feel bad enough that it becomes a serious consideration. Right now, it's not an option. I know that I'll quit my job and flat next month, and head back home 4 months later (everything has 3 months notice in this country). Yes you are a fighter, as you have chosen to. Give a good fight. And please remember (as you already know) that a big component of these kinds of fights is test of your patience. God willing, you will win. And please remember that you are not alone. There are others perhaps facing pains similar to what you are facing. And there are a whole lot of _good_ people who care, for goodness sake.
    - justaname 15y ago
      Thanks mate.
rimantas 15y ago
> Living in a country where there is no apparent social > consequence for adultery has pushed me to the point > where I don't want anything to do with what marriage > or relationships represent. I find it sad that for many the essence of the relationship boils down to whom you sleep or don't sleep with.
- justaname 15y ago
  It has a lot to do with trust. Without trust, how can a relationship work? Also, do I want to find out twenty years later that I raised the child of another man? No, I don't. Thirdly, getting blood tests that may turn out positive through no fault of my own is down right fucked up. And fourthly, it fucking hurts to be betrayed like that, regardless of how you judge the morals. Why is rape bad? Not because sex is bad, or forcing someone else to do something might be considered bad (parents force their children to do things all the time), but because it fucks the victim up. Cause and effect. Through observation it's easy to see that a person experiences extreme pain through the infidelity of his partner. Maybe some don't feel a thing, but I did. What frustrates me is that people see another causing this damage to another, and they don't give a shit. That's the crux of my problem. Complete and utter apathy for the suffering of another human being. Simply another form of complicity.
kahawe 15y ago
I am sorry for what happened to you but here is some hard truth: there is not a single girl in this world who is worth killing yourself over.

rehack 15y ago

Brother, don't do it for this lady's sake. You clearly deserve better. Just give life a chance, and I think you are doing the right thing by moving.

Mz 15y ago
You remind me of a line from a TV show (I think an episode of "Quantum Leap") where a woman has just been dumped by her married lover (or something along those lines) and someone talks her out of committing suicide by telling her something to the effect that if she kills herself over him, that would just send him the message she "couldn't live without him" and feed his ego and is that really what she wants to "say" to him?
- justaname 15y ago
  Well, the frustrating thing about love, even after betrayal, is that your biological make up makes you believe you need that person. It took me a long time before I lost hope and decided even feeling that way wasn't worth being with that person. You can only be walked over so much before there's no other option but to say fuck it, I've had enough. As for killing myself, to cause her pain. It just doesn't work, because I don't get to see what effect it has. And she'll get over it far too quickly, anyway.
  - Mz 15y ago
    Not to put you down, but I seriously doubt you are as acquainted with relationship drama as I am. It can be gotten past. Below is the link to my blog, where I have spent the past few months "anonymously" talking about my love life, debugging my own wetware, blah blah blah. It is specifically the link to the archive. I suggest you start at the beginning and go through it in chronological order (edit: Though the beginning is kind of slow and things don't pick up until mid June, I suggest you bear with it). Consider it a Christmas gift (because I have so far mostly tried to keep this off HN -- I really don't need 500 men hitting on me). However, I have added a donate button and I have a t-shirt in mind I want to create. Given my current situation (which I know you know about since you replied here: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3350035 http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3350035), any suggestions on how to monetize it are welcome. I think it's a good read. I'm not asking for charity (if you get value out of reading it and donate, hey, that's not charity. Comics do that all the time). I just historically have never managed to get much monetary value back for what I put out there and I would like to change that. http://www.novemberwest.com/blog/archive/ http://www.novemberwest.com/blog/archive/ Peace and happy holidays. I'm going to go to work now.
    - justaname 15y ago
      > Not to put you down, but I seriously doubt you are as acquainted with relationship drama as I am. Ouch..
      - 15y ago
justaname 15y ago
Actually, if I did, it wouldn't even be for this female, but simply to get relief from the emotional and mental torment that I have to endure most days. Turns out I'm a fighter, and I intend to make it, but when things go down far enough, you just never know, because things feel bad enough that it becomes a serious consideration. Right now, it's not an option. I know that I'll quit my job and flat next month, and head back home 4 months later (everything has 3 months notice in this country). It is sad to have lost so much. And I know people have been through much worse, and right now there are other people that are going through ten kinds of hell, and I can even understand them a little. When the pain was really bad, one thing that I thought I could really understand well and empathise with was a parent that loses his or her child. You can't understand what it's like unless you go through it yourself. And the reality is, that that sort of trauma changes everything. Who you are diverges so much that it's impossible to merge back into the main line. You're completely forked.
- rehack 15y ago
  Actually, if I did, it wouldn't even be for this female, but simply to get relief from the emotional and mental torment that I have to endure most days Looks like you are already feeling better. From the other comment, I came to know that you have managed to get over the dependency. So now hopefully, it should only get better. But even the journey to recovery has its down days. Turns out I'm a fighter, and I intend to make it, but when things go down far enough, you just never know, because things feel bad enough that it becomes a serious consideration. Right now, it's not an option. I know that I'll quit my job and flat next month, and head back home 4 months later (everything has 3 months notice in this country). Yes you are a fighter, as you have chosen to. Give a good fight. And please remember (as you already know) that a big component of these kinds of fights is test of your patience. God willing, you will win. And please remember that you are not alone. There are others perhaps facing pains similar to what you are facing. And there are a whole lot of _good_ people who care, for goodness sake.
  - justaname 15y ago
    Thanks mate.

rimantas 15y ago

> Living in a country where there is no apparent social > consequence for adultery has pushed me to the point > where I don't want anything to do with what marriage > or relationships represent. I find it sad that for many the essence of the relationship boils down to whom you sleep or don't sleep with.

justaname 15y ago
It has a lot to do with trust. Without trust, how can a relationship work? Also, do I want to find out twenty years later that I raised the child of another man? No, I don't. Thirdly, getting blood tests that may turn out positive through no fault of my own is down right fucked up. And fourthly, it fucking hurts to be betrayed like that, regardless of how you judge the morals. Why is rape bad? Not because sex is bad, or forcing someone else to do something might be considered bad (parents force their children to do things all the time), but because it fucks the victim up. Cause and effect. Through observation it's easy to see that a person experiences extreme pain through the infidelity of his partner. Maybe some don't feel a thing, but I did. What frustrates me is that people see another causing this damage to another, and they don't give a shit. That's the crux of my problem. Complete and utter apathy for the suffering of another human being. Simply another form of complicity.

kahawe 15y ago

I am sorry for what happened to you but here is some hard truth: there is not a single girl in this world who is worth killing yourself over.