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So, I’m naturally introverted, always have been. But I’ve realised some time ago that learning to be better at communication with fellow human beings is a very

So, I’m naturally introverted, always have been. But I’ve realised some time ago that learning to be better at communication with fellow human beings is a very worthwhile activity. And yes, this is something you can absolutely just learn how to do like any other skill. Just because most people seem to be born with better communication skills doesn’t mean it’s something you couldn’t or shouldn’t actively learn. I see too many fellow introverts shooting themselves in the foot by not doing this.

BlargMcLarg 4y ago
Most extroverts aren't really good at communication any more than introverts. Socializing, maybe.
hoseja 4y ago
Literally how do you practice actual conversation instead of the usual social platitudes.
- giraffe_lady 4y ago
  Start by not dismissing something that everyone else finds enough value in to consistently do across nearly all of their interactions.
- wintermutestwin 4y ago
  Step 1: Understand that the social platitudes have an undercurrent that is complex. Be curious instead of arrogantly bored with such pedantry. Learn how to do the dance. Step 2: If you want to move the conversation into "real" interaction, the cheat code is to be briefly and confidently vulnerable. This signals that they are in a safe space to have a more open discussion.
- ehnto 4y ago
  Think of pleasantries as a conversational fuzzer, it's what people do while they try and find more interesting pathways to take the conversation down. I put myself in situations where there's nothing better to do than talk to people. Absolutely awkward at first, but I learned to revel in it. Most people want to talk. A little hack for this is picking more extroverted people to chat to. You might think because you're not as extroverted yourself, that they won't want to talk to you. They probably want to talk to everyone, about anything, and you'll start picking up on things they do to keep the conversation rolling. Stuff they've picked up from years of experience.
- solardev 4y ago
  Ask a lot of questions, try to discover what the other person is interested in, and imagine if there's anything about that thing/activity/place/person/whatever that you might also find interesting. You don't have to fall magically in love with it, just try to find something -- anything at all -- to like. It helps create a genuine emotional connection. Even if it's just the weather. Some people love snow because of the adventures it represents. Others hate shoveling. Some love rafting in the summer. Others hate having to come into work sweaty. Whatever, point is that gives you a different dialogue paths to go down, almost like an RPG, as opposed to "Yeah it's fine, thanks". People don't really connect until they find mutual likes or dislikes. The conversation up till then is mostly just a warmup, a silly song and dance that nobody particularly likes... but it helps you discover if you might have things in common. It's nice that, online, in a forum or similar, you can skip right to the topic at hand. It's a safe space for the purity of intellectual discourse, where minds can operate and interact without the constraints of physical reality -- the body language, the facial expressions, the anxious biological impulse to evaluate strangers before trusting them. But in the real world, a million years of evolution forces us to interact differently, to build rapport only slowly, until both sides are comfortable enough to become a part of each other's inner circles. Sometimes that happens within minutes, other times it takes longer. And conversation is just one way to make that happen... not necessarily the best way, just the one that's often the most readily available. If you can supplement conversation with other low-stakes activity (beer, games, bike ride, whatever) even better!
- tarboreus 4y ago
  Yes, wrong way to think about it. You want the conversation to immediately be about something you find interesting. You have to learn to use small talk to get to the big talk, otherwise you won't get to have those interesting conversations you want. There are no shortcuts there, following basic conversational norms are table stakes.
ehnto 4y ago
I imagine rather than being innately better at communication, people who are extroverted have gotten better at communication through experience and repetition. If you spend all your time trying to talk to people you'll probably get good at it. Which is to say if you're introverted, spend more time putting yourself in situations where you'll need to form connections to have fun and you'll probably get better at it.

BlargMcLarg 4y ago

Most extroverts aren't really good at communication any more than introverts. Socializing, maybe.

hoseja 4y ago

Literally how do you practice actual conversation instead of the usual social platitudes.

giraffe_lady 4y ago
Start by not dismissing something that everyone else finds enough value in to consistently do across nearly all of their interactions.
wintermutestwin 4y ago
Step 1: Understand that the social platitudes have an undercurrent that is complex. Be curious instead of arrogantly bored with such pedantry. Learn how to do the dance. Step 2: If you want to move the conversation into "real" interaction, the cheat code is to be briefly and confidently vulnerable. This signals that they are in a safe space to have a more open discussion.
ehnto 4y ago
Think of pleasantries as a conversational fuzzer, it's what people do while they try and find more interesting pathways to take the conversation down. I put myself in situations where there's nothing better to do than talk to people. Absolutely awkward at first, but I learned to revel in it. Most people want to talk. A little hack for this is picking more extroverted people to chat to. You might think because you're not as extroverted yourself, that they won't want to talk to you. They probably want to talk to everyone, about anything, and you'll start picking up on things they do to keep the conversation rolling. Stuff they've picked up from years of experience.
solardev 4y ago
Ask a lot of questions, try to discover what the other person is interested in, and imagine if there's anything about that thing/activity/place/person/whatever that you might also find interesting. You don't have to fall magically in love with it, just try to find something -- anything at all -- to like. It helps create a genuine emotional connection. Even if it's just the weather. Some people love snow because of the adventures it represents. Others hate shoveling. Some love rafting in the summer. Others hate having to come into work sweaty. Whatever, point is that gives you a different dialogue paths to go down, almost like an RPG, as opposed to "Yeah it's fine, thanks". People don't really connect until they find mutual likes or dislikes. The conversation up till then is mostly just a warmup, a silly song and dance that nobody particularly likes... but it helps you discover if you might have things in common. It's nice that, online, in a forum or similar, you can skip right to the topic at hand. It's a safe space for the purity of intellectual discourse, where minds can operate and interact without the constraints of physical reality -- the body language, the facial expressions, the anxious biological impulse to evaluate strangers before trusting them. But in the real world, a million years of evolution forces us to interact differently, to build rapport only slowly, until both sides are comfortable enough to become a part of each other's inner circles. Sometimes that happens within minutes, other times it takes longer. And conversation is just one way to make that happen... not necessarily the best way, just the one that's often the most readily available. If you can supplement conversation with other low-stakes activity (beer, games, bike ride, whatever) even better!
tarboreus 4y ago
Yes, wrong way to think about it. You want the conversation to immediately be about something you find interesting. You have to learn to use small talk to get to the big talk, otherwise you won't get to have those interesting conversations you want. There are no shortcuts there, following basic conversational norms are table stakes.

ehnto 4y ago

I imagine rather than being innately better at communication, people who are extroverted have gotten better at communication through experience and repetition. If you spend all your time trying to talk to people you'll probably get good at it. Which is to say if you're introverted, spend more time putting yourself in situations where you'll need to form connections to have fun and you'll probably get better at it.