8 ms·

For naturally introverted people, acting more extroverted can backfire

74 points by penguin_booze 4y ago

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
micromacrofoot 4y ago
I've been told outright by some very wealthy people that being introverted will hurt my career, and by what I've seen around me, after a couple decades I can say that it is largely true. I'm starting to believe that accepting this is a key experience that comes along with being an introvert.
- Loughla 4y ago
  This was my grad school mentor's main advice to me. I'm a quiet sort of introspective, very deliberative person. He told me that I would have a very difficult time in my field because of it. He said to expect to feel like I was constantly trying to struggle uphill, just because I am a very introverted person. (educational consulting and leadership). Ooooo boy was he right. I hate it, but being extroverted would've 1000% helped me early in my career to make connections that would help me later in life. That being said, I wouldn't trade who I am for the world, and understand that, while I may never make it rich and form a massive consulting firm, I can do good work for the people I do help. And that's okay with me.
- bheadmaster 4y ago
  > I'm starting to believe that accepting this is a key experience that comes along with being an introvert. It seems so to me, too. Being introverted is simply less profitable than being extroverted, in a similar way that being good at creative stuff like art is less profitable than being good at logical stuff like engineering. Which is, again, less profitable than being good at social engineering and salesmanship. If we view career (i.e. profit) as the primary goal in life, then most of us are probably sub-optimal in some ways.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - micromacrofoot 4y ago
    Oh thank you, this is a more eloquent way of putting it.
- bm3719 4y ago
  I recognized this as a career-limiting factor too, and took some steps to rectify the situation. My solution was to study the largely unwritten rules of social interaction as I would any other topic, then fake it. That can be draining, as the article alludes to, especially when you don't have time to recover. However, I did notice that I had been really rubbing others the wrong way with the regular faux pas and general awkwardness, so fixing that made others not actively dislike being in my presence. Later on, I shifted my strategy to closing the gap even more by mutating my personality to a degree I wouldn't have previously thought possible (upping openness and agreeableness in the OCEAN model). That really changed things a lot, though probably isn't possible for some people (it was only a partial success in my case). That solved part of the energy-draining aspect of social interaction, since I now had wiring that made social interaction more natural. Thankfully, the bar is lower in tech. You can have what would be a disastrous personality for a lawyer or CEO, but still find yourself as the most socially capable guy in the room on a tech team.
- mrtranscendence 4y ago
  It depends. I'm extremely introverted, in the sense that I could be quite happy going days without interacting with another person. I'm also prone to minimizing my achievements, such as they are, as well as to avoid risk to the extent possible. This probably harms my career in some ways. Yet I managed to find a position that pays me better than I would have imagined ten years ago, and my reputation among my peers seems pretty good. I think it helps to have certain traits that are not particularly "introverted". I don't like talking to people and prefer to be by myself, but I'm perfectly content to get up in front of a crowd and teach a class for two hours. It doesn't energize me, but nor does it drain me in any noticeable way. I had horrible stage fright as a teenager and young adult, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I can't say what flipped the switch ... it wasn't practice or exposure, it just sort of happened as I grew older. What does hurt me is the lack of in-person networking. If people are coalescing into groups and chit-chatting I have no skills at my disposal for breaking into a conversation. And once I'm in a conversation, I find it extremely difficult to keep it going. I hate talking off the cuff and (maybe contrary to expectation) there's only so much you can do to keep the other person talking about themselves.
- tommiegannert 4y ago
  I can't disagree, but there could be selection bias. The extroverts are the ones who are going to tell you about their success and failure. The successful introverts may keep that to themselves, so even if there are career paths, they're much harder to find without likeminded people who want to be seen as role models.
- ehnto 4y ago
  It's advice they give to working musicians. You need to be good at music, but you need to be fun more than you need to be good at music. You can be the best guitar player in your area, but if you're a drag then they'll just hire the second best guitar player, since most working musicians don't need to be the best. This is unfortunately advice along the same lines as "be attractive". It's not something that's fair, and it's not something that's universal, but generally speaking if you're fun and attractive, you'll have an easier time achieving success. That's perhaps a bummer to realise, and again not a universal truth, but for most people it's actionable advice.
atemerev 4y ago
But this article is doing exactly that, telling introverts to act like extroverts (just mentioning some precautions). Like, they are not even recognizing the issue. While what we need instead is normalizing introversion.
- readthenotes1 4y ago
  As well, noticing the replication crisis in sociology
jgilias 4y ago
So, I’m naturally introverted, always have been. But I’ve realised some time ago that learning to be better at communication with fellow human beings is a very worthwhile activity. And yes, this is something you can absolutely just learn how to do like any other skill. Just because most people seem to be born with better communication skills doesn’t mean it’s something you couldn’t or shouldn’t actively learn. I see too many fellow introverts shooting themselves in the foot by not doing this.
- BlargMcLarg 4y ago
  Most extroverts aren't really good at communication any more than introverts. Socializing, maybe.
- hoseja 4y ago
  Literally how do you practice actual conversation instead of the usual social platitudes.
  - giraffe_lady 4y ago
    Start by not dismissing something that everyone else finds enough value in to consistently do across nearly all of their interactions.
  - wintermutestwin 4y ago
    Step 1: Understand that the social platitudes have an undercurrent that is complex. Be curious instead of arrogantly bored with such pedantry. Learn how to do the dance. Step 2: If you want to move the conversation into "real" interaction, the cheat code is to be briefly and confidently vulnerable. This signals that they are in a safe space to have a more open discussion.
  - ehnto 4y ago
    Think of pleasantries as a conversational fuzzer, it's what people do while they try and find more interesting pathways to take the conversation down. I put myself in situations where there's nothing better to do than talk to people. Absolutely awkward at first, but I learned to revel in it. Most people want to talk. A little hack for this is picking more extroverted people to chat to. You might think because you're not as extroverted yourself, that they won't want to talk to you. They probably want to talk to everyone, about anything, and you'll start picking up on things they do to keep the conversation rolling. Stuff they've picked up from years of experience.
exabrial 4y ago
Being extroverted is not a useful skill. Communicating well when necessary is. Extroverts are not necessairily "good at communication" by nature. I employ a very very introverted individual. When he comes to my desk, one can be absolutely assured you need to pay attention, because what he's about to say is 1. important, 2. well thought out, 3. he wouldn't be there if it weren't absolutely necessary. The point being: everyone (ex and in) should learn to communicate better; _that_ is the useful skill.
- SketchySeaBeast 4y ago
  > Extroverts are "good at communication" by nature. Is that true they are good at it, or just more prolific with their communication?
  - LeifCarrotson 4y ago
    Either the parent comment edited or you misquoted. Extroverts are not necessarily good at communication - quality over quantity is often better.
    - SketchySeaBeast 4y ago
      They must have edited, I copy & pasted. And that was my exact thoughts regarding quality vs quantity.
    - MrPatan 4y ago
      In the general case I'd bet on the person who gets more practice at something being better at it.
      - tarboreus 4y ago
        Yes, any given extrovert may not have good social skills, but extroverts as a class have better social skills on average through use.
  - exabrial 4y ago
pxue 4y ago
carving out alone time is absolutely the most important part of having a healthy balanced energy level. we're so connected now, being full on extrovert might mean we're spending 16h+ a day engaged with other people, giving away our attention. realize what's happening and dial it up or down based on your personal limits. For example, there's no need to spend 8h with coworkers in meetings and then spend another 4h+ out hanging out after work at a bar every single day. I see it a lot at conferences and the toll is very obvious, even the most extroverted people gets burned out after a week long conference.
solardev 4y ago
I kinda think of it like exercise. Most of us aren't professional athletes, and much of the time we're tired and lazy and busy. Still, we generally recognize that exercise is good for you, and try to do a little here and there. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it feels like a chore. And afterward you are often tired. But you do it because it's one of those things that makes you healthier when done regularly, in moderation. Similarly, you can do extroverted things once in a while without becoming an extrovert entirely. You just have to prioritize and budget for them, picking and choosing the interactions that really matter to you (or your boss or your significant other or whatever) while opting out of other engagements. Nothing wrong with that. Extroverts have to make the same sacrifices going the other way too. It's not a superset of introversion. It's tiring for them to be alone all day focusing on something, whether it's a codebase or watching TV or whatever. They also have to budget their introvert time because it's not free for them. As someone who's on the fence between the two, that line can be a bit artificial IMO. Most of us have people and activities we enjoy more than others, and those are less tiring. There are also inevitably chores we don't like, whether it's a business function or in-laws or a boring refractor or whatever. Instead of trying to draw a clear division between "I'm an introvert/extrovert", it's really helped me to learn to budget my energy the same way I budget my finances (which is to say, more aspirational than effective lol, but still). Some activities are more tiring than others, while some are recharging. The key is to know which is which -- for you personally, not by some vague societal construct. Budget and balance accordingly, maybe making a tiring day more bearable by planning something to look forward to later that week.
- strix_varius 4y ago
  As someone who can't quite tell whether I fit into an "extrovert" or "introvert" bucket, I appreciate this reframing: different activities require different levels of energy; budget appropriately.
mihaic 4y ago
I dislike the introvert/extrovert dichotomy, especially in the oversimplified US interpretation that has now become global. I'm for instance gregarious and outgoing with people I like, even if I might have met them very recently. At the same time, I may have an instinctive dislike/mismatch reaction for someone in the first few minutes of meeting them, and then it's a struggle to go through polite conversation (circumstances might force me to hang in there). The article is a bit short on how "introverts" can improve their interactions, but it would surely help to not label people inside these limited buckets and push everyone to communicate and interact with others better.
- ta988 4y ago
  It is yet another easy dichotomy for low quality pseudo-journalism and LinkedIn/medium posts of attention seeking writers. It was the same with the whole millennial, gen XYZ people putting stickers on things and inventing irreproducible rules based on short-sighted observations of non-representative samples.
- deepstack 4y ago
  Sounds about right. There is no real introvert or extrovert. Just people who like hanging out with and people we don't. With people whom we like to hangout with we are extrovert, and other then we are introvert.
  - mrtranscendence 4y ago
    This is remarkably reductive. Some people -- including me -- would prefer not to hang out with anyone, including people they ostensibly like. For some, the scope of people with whom they'd be comfortable hanging out is quite low. If we can't call such people introverts, then I don't know why we bother making up words for things at all.
  - danaris 4y ago
    This is absolutely, scientifically, false. Introversion and extraversion are very robustly defined and proven traits. Maybe you don't understand what they are, or maybe you're one of those people who's not strongly one or the other so it seems to you like "everyone" just has both of those, but there is no real question about whether the traits exist.
xkcdee 4y ago
Introversion and extroversion are also not just binary traits in my opinion. Some “introverts” are very extroverted with friends they know well and in intimate settings. They are happy and receive energy from these social interactions whereas big groups may drain them.
- eyelidlessness 4y ago
  That describes most if not nearly all introverts, and it’s something extroverts (and many introverts too!) often misunderstand. The thing is though, most introverts still feel socially drained after even those positive-feeling, energizing social settings, and take (or should take) downtime to recover afterwards.
ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
Can totally relate. I'm naturally (maybe unnaturally) introverted, by nature ("on the spectrum" introverted). You'd never know it, though, when interacting with me. It's been totally sublimated. But it is exhausting, keeping up the extrovert. When I would get back from business trips, I'd be totally burned out, and it would take me days, to reestablish a baseline. I'm happiest, and most energized, when I'm by myself, at my desk, working on software.
- Test0129 4y ago
  > I'm happiest, and most energized, when I'm by myself, at my desk, working on software. Something I've tried to explain to people but it never gets through. Maybe I am unlucky but the last few companies I have been at have been filled with extroverts. Everyone wants to call meetings for the slightest thing. I've tried to enforce boundaries (I would prefer a slack message unless it's hard to communicate what we need) because it is draining being in so many meetings. The boundaries don't work. My "lack of desire to communicate" has ended up on yearly reviews. I just want to work in quiet, alone, to try to conserve my energy for important things.
  - ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
    I used to manage someone that is very much “on the spectrum.” Not particularly verbal (although his emails were quite loquacious). People often took a dislike to him. Best damn programmer I’ve ever known. Totally knocked me into a cocked hat. He had to be left alone. If we did that, he’d work until 3AM, and do magic.
Simulacra 4y ago
The title is incorrect. It should be "Stop Telling Introverts to Act Like Extroverts"
- hoseja 4y ago
  It was, must have changed.
TomMasz 4y ago
This tracks with my personal experience. I can certainly be extroverted but it's always a draining experience and requires time for me to recover. Being able to switch like that is probably the hardest thing for an extrovert to understand about introverts. We can, it's just costly for us.
lob_it 4y ago
They didn't invent "the strong, silent type" persona to dissuade individuals from being themselves. I happen to be introverted by nature and have enjoyed over 20,000 one-on-one interactions, just with work. Probably 60% to 70% was face-to-face too. Introverts just don't have the mental demands (not quite a co-dependancy) on socializing as a determination of a quality of life metric. In the 21st century, I can say that I have accumulated 10,000 hours of quality time in several areas, with and without social interactions. Another commenter stated quality over quantity and I totally agree with that. Quality time is more important for wellbeing and something that both personality types most likely strive for/achieve. With the flood of low aptitude/low quality information on the Internet, its become obvious that 1 dimensional people exist in droves and devolve to inferior quality vocabulary in a feeble attempt to exist. I chalk this up to the culture divide and know environmental factors and lifestyle factors drive conversation/perspective more than any personal attributes. Its obvious that many cultures define quality time in a way that is completely counter to the culture in which I was raised. It may come down to learning environments where rote learners can only regurge what is in their environments (usually not the least bit relevant in context) compared to the free-thinking learning environments where multiple perspectives exist in most topics and even promoted. It goes back to 1 dimensional thinking/perspectives, in which religion/politics easily retreat to that rabbit hole as a low-hanging fruit example. Its just the environment that they were raised in. IMO, extroverts show than tendancy more where introverts just don't give an F about minutiae.

74 points by penguin_booze 4y ago

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

I've been told outright by some very wealthy people that being introverted will hurt my career, and by what I've seen around me, after a couple decades I can say that it is largely true. I'm starting to believe that accepting this is a key experience that comes along with being an introvert.

Loughla 4y ago
This was my grad school mentor's main advice to me. I'm a quiet sort of introspective, very deliberative person. He told me that I would have a very difficult time in my field because of it. He said to expect to feel like I was constantly trying to struggle uphill, just because I am a very introverted person. (educational consulting and leadership). Ooooo boy was he right. I hate it, but being extroverted would've 1000% helped me early in my career to make connections that would help me later in life. That being said, I wouldn't trade who I am for the world, and understand that, while I may never make it rich and form a massive consulting firm, I can do good work for the people I do help. And that's okay with me.
bheadmaster 4y ago
> I'm starting to believe that accepting this is a key experience that comes along with being an introvert. It seems so to me, too. Being introverted is simply less profitable than being extroverted, in a similar way that being good at creative stuff like art is less profitable than being good at logical stuff like engineering. Which is, again, less profitable than being good at social engineering and salesmanship. If we view career (i.e. profit) as the primary goal in life, then most of us are probably sub-optimal in some ways.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- micromacrofoot 4y ago
  Oh thank you, this is a more eloquent way of putting it.
bm3719 4y ago
I recognized this as a career-limiting factor too, and took some steps to rectify the situation. My solution was to study the largely unwritten rules of social interaction as I would any other topic, then fake it. That can be draining, as the article alludes to, especially when you don't have time to recover. However, I did notice that I had been really rubbing others the wrong way with the regular faux pas and general awkwardness, so fixing that made others not actively dislike being in my presence. Later on, I shifted my strategy to closing the gap even more by mutating my personality to a degree I wouldn't have previously thought possible (upping openness and agreeableness in the OCEAN model). That really changed things a lot, though probably isn't possible for some people (it was only a partial success in my case). That solved part of the energy-draining aspect of social interaction, since I now had wiring that made social interaction more natural. Thankfully, the bar is lower in tech. You can have what would be a disastrous personality for a lawyer or CEO, but still find yourself as the most socially capable guy in the room on a tech team.
mrtranscendence 4y ago
It depends. I'm extremely introverted, in the sense that I could be quite happy going days without interacting with another person. I'm also prone to minimizing my achievements, such as they are, as well as to avoid risk to the extent possible. This probably harms my career in some ways. Yet I managed to find a position that pays me better than I would have imagined ten years ago, and my reputation among my peers seems pretty good. I think it helps to have certain traits that are not particularly "introverted". I don't like talking to people and prefer to be by myself, but I'm perfectly content to get up in front of a crowd and teach a class for two hours. It doesn't energize me, but nor does it drain me in any noticeable way. I had horrible stage fright as a teenager and young adult, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I can't say what flipped the switch ... it wasn't practice or exposure, it just sort of happened as I grew older. What does hurt me is the lack of in-person networking. If people are coalescing into groups and chit-chatting I have no skills at my disposal for breaking into a conversation. And once I'm in a conversation, I find it extremely difficult to keep it going. I hate talking off the cuff and (maybe contrary to expectation) there's only so much you can do to keep the other person talking about themselves.
tommiegannert 4y ago
I can't disagree, but there could be selection bias. The extroverts are the ones who are going to tell you about their success and failure. The successful introverts may keep that to themselves, so even if there are career paths, they're much harder to find without likeminded people who want to be seen as role models.
ehnto 4y ago
It's advice they give to working musicians. You need to be good at music, but you need to be fun more than you need to be good at music. You can be the best guitar player in your area, but if you're a drag then they'll just hire the second best guitar player, since most working musicians don't need to be the best. This is unfortunately advice along the same lines as "be attractive". It's not something that's fair, and it's not something that's universal, but generally speaking if you're fun and attractive, you'll have an easier time achieving success. That's perhaps a bummer to realise, and again not a universal truth, but for most people it's actionable advice.

atemerev 4y ago

But this article is doing exactly that, telling introverts to act like extroverts (just mentioning some precautions). Like, they are not even recognizing the issue. While what we need instead is normalizing introversion.

readthenotes1 4y ago
As well, noticing the replication crisis in sociology

jgilias 4y ago

So, I’m naturally introverted, always have been. But I’ve realised some time ago that learning to be better at communication with fellow human beings is a very worthwhile activity. And yes, this is something you can absolutely just learn how to do like any other skill. Just because most people seem to be born with better communication skills doesn’t mean it’s something you couldn’t or shouldn’t actively learn. I see too many fellow introverts shooting themselves in the foot by not doing this.

BlargMcLarg 4y ago
Most extroverts aren't really good at communication any more than introverts. Socializing, maybe.
hoseja 4y ago
Literally how do you practice actual conversation instead of the usual social platitudes.
- giraffe_lady 4y ago
  Start by not dismissing something that everyone else finds enough value in to consistently do across nearly all of their interactions.
- wintermutestwin 4y ago
  Step 1: Understand that the social platitudes have an undercurrent that is complex. Be curious instead of arrogantly bored with such pedantry. Learn how to do the dance. Step 2: If you want to move the conversation into "real" interaction, the cheat code is to be briefly and confidently vulnerable. This signals that they are in a safe space to have a more open discussion.
- ehnto 4y ago
  Think of pleasantries as a conversational fuzzer, it's what people do while they try and find more interesting pathways to take the conversation down. I put myself in situations where there's nothing better to do than talk to people. Absolutely awkward at first, but I learned to revel in it. Most people want to talk. A little hack for this is picking more extroverted people to chat to. You might think because you're not as extroverted yourself, that they won't want to talk to you. They probably want to talk to everyone, about anything, and you'll start picking up on things they do to keep the conversation rolling. Stuff they've picked up from years of experience.

exabrial 4y ago

Being extroverted is not a useful skill. Communicating well when necessary is. Extroverts are not necessairily "good at communication" by nature. I employ a very very introverted individual. When he comes to my desk, one can be absolutely assured you need to pay attention, because what he's about to say is 1. important, 2. well thought out, 3. he wouldn't be there if it weren't absolutely necessary. The point being: everyone (ex and in) should learn to communicate better; _that_ is the useful skill.

SketchySeaBeast 4y ago
> Extroverts are "good at communication" by nature. Is that true they are good at it, or just more prolific with their communication?
- LeifCarrotson 4y ago
  Either the parent comment edited or you misquoted. Extroverts are not necessarily good at communication - quality over quantity is often better.
  - SketchySeaBeast 4y ago
    They must have edited, I copy & pasted. And that was my exact thoughts regarding quality vs quantity.
  - MrPatan 4y ago
    In the general case I'd bet on the person who gets more practice at something being better at it.
    - tarboreus 4y ago
      Yes, any given extrovert may not have good social skills, but extroverts as a class have better social skills on average through use.
- exabrial 4y ago

pxue 4y ago

carving out alone time is absolutely the most important part of having a healthy balanced energy level. we're so connected now, being full on extrovert might mean we're spending 16h+ a day engaged with other people, giving away our attention. realize what's happening and dial it up or down based on your personal limits. For example, there's no need to spend 8h with coworkers in meetings and then spend another 4h+ out hanging out after work at a bar every single day. I see it a lot at conferences and the toll is very obvious, even the most extroverted people gets burned out after a week long conference.

solardev 4y ago

I kinda think of it like exercise. Most of us aren't professional athletes, and much of the time we're tired and lazy and busy. Still, we generally recognize that exercise is good for you, and try to do a little here and there. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it feels like a chore. And afterward you are often tired. But you do it because it's one of those things that makes you healthier when done regularly, in moderation. Similarly, you can do extroverted things once in a while without becoming an extrovert entirely. You just have to prioritize and budget for them, picking and choosing the interactions that really matter to you (or your boss or your significant other or whatever) while opting out of other engagements. Nothing wrong with that. Extroverts have to make the same sacrifices going the other way too. It's not a superset of introversion. It's tiring for them to be alone all day focusing on something, whether it's a codebase or watching TV or whatever. They also have to budget their introvert time because it's not free for them. As someone who's on the fence between the two, that line can be a bit artificial IMO. Most of us have people and activities we enjoy more than others, and those are less tiring. There are also inevitably chores we don't like, whether it's a business function or in-laws or a boring refractor or whatever. Instead of trying to draw a clear division between "I'm an introvert/extrovert", it's really helped me to learn to budget my energy the same way I budget my finances (which is to say, more aspirational than effective lol, but still). Some activities are more tiring than others, while some are recharging. The key is to know which is which -- for you personally, not by some vague societal construct. Budget and balance accordingly, maybe making a tiring day more bearable by planning something to look forward to later that week.

strix_varius 4y ago
As someone who can't quite tell whether I fit into an "extrovert" or "introvert" bucket, I appreciate this reframing: different activities require different levels of energy; budget appropriately.

mihaic 4y ago

I dislike the introvert/extrovert dichotomy, especially in the oversimplified US interpretation that has now become global. I'm for instance gregarious and outgoing with people I like, even if I might have met them very recently. At the same time, I may have an instinctive dislike/mismatch reaction for someone in the first few minutes of meeting them, and then it's a struggle to go through polite conversation (circumstances might force me to hang in there). The article is a bit short on how "introverts" can improve their interactions, but it would surely help to not label people inside these limited buckets and push everyone to communicate and interact with others better.

ta988 4y ago
It is yet another easy dichotomy for low quality pseudo-journalism and LinkedIn/medium posts of attention seeking writers. It was the same with the whole millennial, gen XYZ people putting stickers on things and inventing irreproducible rules based on short-sighted observations of non-representative samples.
deepstack 4y ago
Sounds about right. There is no real introvert or extrovert. Just people who like hanging out with and people we don't. With people whom we like to hangout with we are extrovert, and other then we are introvert.
- mrtranscendence 4y ago
  This is remarkably reductive. Some people -- including me -- would prefer not to hang out with anyone, including people they ostensibly like. For some, the scope of people with whom they'd be comfortable hanging out is quite low. If we can't call such people introverts, then I don't know why we bother making up words for things at all.
- danaris 4y ago
  This is absolutely, scientifically, false. Introversion and extraversion are very robustly defined and proven traits. Maybe you don't understand what they are, or maybe you're one of those people who's not strongly one or the other so it seems to you like "everyone" just has both of those, but there is no real question about whether the traits exist.

xkcdee 4y ago

Introversion and extroversion are also not just binary traits in my opinion. Some “introverts” are very extroverted with friends they know well and in intimate settings. They are happy and receive energy from these social interactions whereas big groups may drain them.

eyelidlessness 4y ago
That describes most if not nearly all introverts, and it’s something extroverts (and many introverts too!) often misunderstand. The thing is though, most introverts still feel socially drained after even those positive-feeling, energizing social settings, and take (or should take) downtime to recover afterwards.

ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago

Can totally relate. I'm naturally (maybe unnaturally) introverted, by nature ("on the spectrum" introverted). You'd never know it, though, when interacting with me. It's been totally sublimated. But it is exhausting, keeping up the extrovert. When I would get back from business trips, I'd be totally burned out, and it would take me days, to reestablish a baseline. I'm happiest, and most energized, when I'm by myself, at my desk, working on software.

Test0129 4y ago
> I'm happiest, and most energized, when I'm by myself, at my desk, working on software. Something I've tried to explain to people but it never gets through. Maybe I am unlucky but the last few companies I have been at have been filled with extroverts. Everyone wants to call meetings for the slightest thing. I've tried to enforce boundaries (I would prefer a slack message unless it's hard to communicate what we need) because it is draining being in so many meetings. The boundaries don't work. My "lack of desire to communicate" has ended up on yearly reviews. I just want to work in quiet, alone, to try to conserve my energy for important things.
- ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
  I used to manage someone that is very much “on the spectrum.” Not particularly verbal (although his emails were quite loquacious). People often took a dislike to him. Best damn programmer I’ve ever known. Totally knocked me into a cocked hat. He had to be left alone. If we did that, he’d work until 3AM, and do magic.

Simulacra 4y ago

The title is incorrect. It should be "Stop Telling Introverts to Act Like Extroverts"

hoseja 4y ago
It was, must have changed.

TomMasz 4y ago

This tracks with my personal experience. I can certainly be extroverted but it's always a draining experience and requires time for me to recover. Being able to switch like that is probably the hardest thing for an extrovert to understand about introverts. We can, it's just costly for us.

lob_it 4y ago

They didn't invent "the strong, silent type" persona to dissuade individuals from being themselves. I happen to be introverted by nature and have enjoyed over 20,000 one-on-one interactions, just with work. Probably 60% to 70% was face-to-face too. Introverts just don't have the mental demands (not quite a co-dependancy) on socializing as a determination of a quality of life metric. In the 21st century, I can say that I have accumulated 10,000 hours of quality time in several areas, with and without social interactions. Another commenter stated quality over quantity and I totally agree with that. Quality time is more important for wellbeing and something that both personality types most likely strive for/achieve. With the flood of low aptitude/low quality information on the Internet, its become obvious that 1 dimensional people exist in droves and devolve to inferior quality vocabulary in a feeble attempt to exist. I chalk this up to the culture divide and know environmental factors and lifestyle factors drive conversation/perspective more than any personal attributes. Its obvious that many cultures define quality time in a way that is completely counter to the culture in which I was raised. It may come down to learning environments where rote learners can only regurge what is in their environments (usually not the least bit relevant in context) compared to the free-thinking learning environments where multiple perspectives exist in most topics and even promoted. It goes back to 1 dimensional thinking/perspectives, in which religion/politics easily retreat to that rabbit hole as a low-hanging fruit example. Its just the environment that they were raised in. IMO, extroverts show than tendancy more where introverts just don't give an F about minutiae.