4 ms·

Ask HN: Have everything one could want but still nowhere near satisfied

Just wondering if anyone has dealt with feelings like this and could offer some advice I’m in my mid to late 20s, have a long term girlfriend, great job, earn more money than my parents earned after their 40 year careers and I’ve bought a home in my home town while many around me struggle to do so. Despite having what everyone would traditionally want, I am feeling empty. I don’t ever want to do anything, going through long periods of wanting to spend time alone by myself, not wanting to leave my house. This causes issues in my relationship as I can’t bring myself to be enthusiastic about trips etc and when I force myself I feel even more miserable and this causes more issues for us. I spend all my free time chasing things I feel will bring me joy in the long term, be it a side project or a goal I’m working towards but once I achieve the goal, I still feel empty. I then see in the world there are those who have none of what I have and one could argue I’m living the dream, this then fills me with guilt for not being grateful for what I do have. I’m at a point now where I just don’t know what Im even working towards and this empty feeling is growing Any advice / experience with this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated

koyanisqatsi 4y ago
Get involved with your local community. Everything else is consumerist nonsense.
Nomentatus 4y ago
The Buddha had a similar problem as a young man, but I'm not advising you to leave your wife as he did. Reading a bit about anhydonia may help. It may sound strange but controlling artificial light exposure and really strict sleep (really darkness) hygiene has banished this feeling for me (and it's been nearly twenty years, now). True darkness at the same times every night, at least nine hours (seasonal variation to match sunset is ideal but I don't do that.) Melatonin keeps your mitochondria healthy, and they are your energy-engines. If they aren't working well, you're going to be as listless and unmotivated as starving people are, for similar physiological reasons.
- Nomentatus 4y ago
  I didn't mention it, but in my early University years, ennui was me; and I just couldn't find any course I could see that was worth committing to. Then I did, and a bad choice as it happened, but also a solution 'cause it led to better choices of things worth doing. Not the same situation, I know, but I just wanted to note that you have plenty of company, it's just that nobody posts on their Facebook status: "Ennui: Day 1,546; God, oh God, when will it end..."
bitxbitxbitcoin 4y ago
How much time do you spend on social media - including HN - per day?
- throwaway02132 4y ago
  Very little, have been avoiding it for a long time as I felt it was contributing to this feeling. Same with news etc
  - bitxbitxbitcoin 4y ago
    Do you have a favorite philosopher? Going down the path of trying to identify which school of thought you most identify with may help you describe the particular feeling you are having with other words. Read some wikis, watch some YouTube videos, listen to some podcasts as a way to dip your feet in.
DamonHD 4y ago
Possibly don't set (many) goals because when you hit them it's over. Methods, habits, strategies, etc, may be better because they don't stop dead. I try to make the world a little better each day - trite and I'm sure that I often don't succeed, but I think that it helps. Material success, once you have achieved security, has fast-diminishing returns. I worked with people earning 10x what I was (and I was not badly paid) who couldn't understand why I wasn't driven to earn more.
aristofun 4y ago
This sounds like that kind of void people tend to fill with god back in the days. This is what Nitzshe meant when said "god is dead". It doesn't mean you have to or even can follow religious path (it doesn't work this way), but it may be that you lost deep intimate contact with your inner self and it's desires.
tothrowaway 4y ago
A phrase constantly repeated in my anthropology class comes to mind: "to survive and reproduce". You have the survival part down, but you are missing the other half. I think anyone without kids is at high risk to feel empty as they get older (I say this as someone without kids). Maybe adopt a dog? I think you can even foster them if you just want to try it out. Lifting heavy does wonders for my mood. If you can motivate yourself to get to the gym, Starting Strength and 5x5 are good programs.
- aristofun 4y ago
  As someone with a kid I must say it’s a nonsense. It helps to align your life, your priorities in some healthy way, yes. But its far from fulfilling any voids in your soul. And i warn anyone who would think to treat kids as a solution to their mental issues — this is the most effective path to misery and a damaged child’s psyche. Because children subconsciously sense things like that and this puts unbearable pressure on them, whether you communicate it explicitly or not.
  - throwaway02132 4y ago
    While I appreciate their advice I completely agree with you on that one, wouldn’t want to put that on a child

koyanisqatsi 4y ago

Get involved with your local community. Everything else is consumerist nonsense.

Nomentatus 4y ago

The Buddha had a similar problem as a young man, but I'm not advising you to leave your wife as he did. Reading a bit about anhydonia may help. It may sound strange but controlling artificial light exposure and really strict sleep (really darkness) hygiene has banished this feeling for me (and it's been nearly twenty years, now). True darkness at the same times every night, at least nine hours (seasonal variation to match sunset is ideal but I don't do that.) Melatonin keeps your mitochondria healthy, and they are your energy-engines. If they aren't working well, you're going to be as listless and unmotivated as starving people are, for similar physiological reasons.

Nomentatus 4y ago
I didn't mention it, but in my early University years, ennui was me; and I just couldn't find any course I could see that was worth committing to. Then I did, and a bad choice as it happened, but also a solution 'cause it led to better choices of things worth doing. Not the same situation, I know, but I just wanted to note that you have plenty of company, it's just that nobody posts on their Facebook status: "Ennui: Day 1,546; God, oh God, when will it end..."

bitxbitxbitcoin 4y ago

How much time do you spend on social media - including HN - per day?

throwaway02132 4y ago
Very little, have been avoiding it for a long time as I felt it was contributing to this feeling. Same with news etc
- bitxbitxbitcoin 4y ago
  Do you have a favorite philosopher? Going down the path of trying to identify which school of thought you most identify with may help you describe the particular feeling you are having with other words. Read some wikis, watch some YouTube videos, listen to some podcasts as a way to dip your feet in.

DamonHD 4y ago

Possibly don't set (many) goals because when you hit them it's over. Methods, habits, strategies, etc, may be better because they don't stop dead. I try to make the world a little better each day - trite and I'm sure that I often don't succeed, but I think that it helps. Material success, once you have achieved security, has fast-diminishing returns. I worked with people earning 10x what I was (and I was not badly paid) who couldn't understand why I wasn't driven to earn more.

aristofun 4y ago

This sounds like that kind of void people tend to fill with god back in the days. This is what Nitzshe meant when said "god is dead". It doesn't mean you have to or even can follow religious path (it doesn't work this way), but it may be that you lost deep intimate contact with your inner self and it's desires.

tothrowaway 4y ago

A phrase constantly repeated in my anthropology class comes to mind: "to survive and reproduce". You have the survival part down, but you are missing the other half. I think anyone without kids is at high risk to feel empty as they get older (I say this as someone without kids). Maybe adopt a dog? I think you can even foster them if you just want to try it out. Lifting heavy does wonders for my mood. If you can motivate yourself to get to the gym, Starting Strength and 5x5 are good programs.

aristofun 4y ago
As someone with a kid I must say it’s a nonsense. It helps to align your life, your priorities in some healthy way, yes. But its far from fulfilling any voids in your soul. And i warn anyone who would think to treat kids as a solution to their mental issues — this is the most effective path to misery and a damaged child’s psyche. Because children subconsciously sense things like that and this puts unbearable pressure on them, whether you communicate it explicitly or not.
- throwaway02132 4y ago
  While I appreciate their advice I completely agree with you on that one, wouldn’t want to put that on a child