4 ms·

The Millennials in Sexless Marriages

42 points by metadat 4y ago

QuarterReptile 4y ago
>others say their “low-libido” husbands can watch endless pornography, >They can’t erase the influence of porn or social media. Or, they can and should.
- metadat 4y ago
  Why does porn consumption tend to result in less sex between couples? I see three common possibilities: 1. It increases arousal, which would hopefully increase sexual desire. 2. People use it as more of a "complete solution" / substitution. 3. People use it as a tool to avoid confronting and dealing with the inevitable problems and complexities which are bound to arise in any long-term relationship. To me, pornography seems like such a poor substitute for real life connection and experiences, I've found it doesn't replace anything beyond, uh, basic "maintenance" needs. Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. Between this and the depressing macro-economic climate, our generation has a tough road ahead.
  - firstfewshells 4y ago
    Porn has consistently shown to short circuit dopamine pathways in our brains. As a result, real world sex feels too vanilla and there is always a craving for something novel. Lots of men have porn induced ED.
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
    - theGnuMe 4y ago
      There are two solutions here. One is you can detox from it.. takes 2 weeks or so. Second if your partner is into it you can watch porn together and have IRL sex.
      - lookagain 4y ago
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
  - cplusplusfellow 4y ago
    Porn should be used to get ideas for what you want to do with your partner. That’s my .002.
  - notinfuriated 4y ago
    > Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. I find this to be true as well, but I would wager many strongly disagree with this statement based on their own experiences.
  - pengaru 4y ago
    I don't think it's all that complicated. Porn delivers a virtual form of variety/novelty, without the risks of real promiscuity. Going back to your long-term partner is just more of the same monotony vs. the practically infinite supply of different people on pornhub.com. relevant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
    - BlargMcLarg 4y ago
      The actual answer is in the article: porn won't say no. Everything else escalates from there.
    - metadat 4y ago
      This is a rather stupid and short-sighted "effect". Sex gets better and better with a partner you have a strong emotional bond with. Also, as you get more familiar with each other over time, new levels of connection unlocked through mutual trust and comfort are attainable.
  - vinni2 4y ago
    > Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. No doubt real interaction is more enjoyable, but real interaction with whom and the same person again and again over years matters too...
  - QuarterReptile 4y ago
    [dead]
BlargMcLarg 4y ago
So basically it turns out stressing women more, giving men alternatives and actively teaching men to not be sexually aggressive has lead to a lot less sex. Did people really expect anything else? The writing has been on the wall for a while now.
- treeman79 4y ago
  15 year old college humor bit on needing lawyers before fun times. https://youtu.be/f--u_puzhGs https://youtu.be/f--u_puzhGs Was funny at the time. Seems prudent now.
  - pyuser583 4y ago
    Is that college humor?
- Dracophoenix 4y ago
  > giving men alternatives Just a nitpick, but prostitution, concubinage, burlesque shows, etc. have long preceded pornography
  - hombre_fatal 4y ago
    Now compare the accessibility of those versus going to pornsite.com to see the key difference. How many guys here have concubines that compete with their wife’s attention?
gexla 4y ago
TLDR: Someone discovered r/DeadBedrooms and wrote an article about it, and called it a Millennial problem. The article does mention a "2021 survey of adults ages 18 to 45 across the US, conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and sex-retailer Lovehoney." I would have to see surveys going further back than this. My guess is that this has always been a thing, but popular subs on Reddit highlight interesting societal issues we may not have been aware of previously.
- spacemadness 4y ago
  As soon as I see a reference to a subreddit as a base for an article I stop reading. How lazy can you get as a journalist.
  - xwowsersx 4y ago
    Why? That seems like an unnecessarily broad rule. I could understand being a bit weary maybe or using that as context to suspect that the article might be exaggerating or that it's making an issue out of nothing, but plenty of subreddits contain discussions and posts that could be reasonable starting points for interesting "news" or analysis.
    - spacemadness 4y ago
      Because my time is valuable and a majority of the time it’s a lazy reference to some societal phenomenon to generate a clickbait headline. I don’t owe these people my time and they should do better.
- ay 4y ago
  It’s a well known folks wisdom “your relationship will change with years, it is normal”. Took me until discovering this book to learn what exactly happens: https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Chemistry-Love-ebook/dp/B0B5B1Q7YL/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1QLUORRDW1GF3&keywords=complete+idiots+guide+to+chemistry+of+love&qid=1666343186&sprefix=complete+idiots+guide+yo+chemistry+of+love%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-1 https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Chemistry-Love-... Despite its name, it is a highly practical book which scientifically explains what is going on from neurochemistry point of view, and I think reading and discussing together this book is a productive way to start a conversation on the topic.
morbia 4y ago
Disclaimer: I'm gay and polyamorous so I have quite a biased view on these things. I actually think that really deep down monogamy doesn't work for a fair chunk of the population. The model of having your one life partner to satisfy all of your sexual needs for eternity has a number of problems: * We are not always in the mood for sex. Your sex drive can be low for days, weeks or even months and it be perfectly normal. Having the pressure to perform when you're not really in the mood is a horrible feeling. This has a side effects of resentment between the couple. * Repeating the same sexual experience with the same individual with no changes (e.g. exploring kinks, new positions etc) gets monotonous. No matter how attracted you are to that person, monotonous experiences really impact sexual arousal. I don't think these problems are new society, but I think there were non-ethical outlets in the past. To the first point for example, in a time gone past the good housewife barely had a say in consent. Prostitution, cheating etc were outlets for the second point. People feel a lot of shame when talking about ethical non-monogamy, particularly slut shaming women. In reality it's the ultimate level of trust in a relationship. I don't want the pressure of having to satisfy all of my partner's sexual needs for eternity, I trust them to explore other individuals if I'm not in the mood. To be clear, non-monogamy is also not a silver bullet to a failing marriage, nor is it for everyone. However I really think as a society we should be less judgemental and critical of people who have unconventional relationships and keep an open mind for your own. edit: typos
- jfengel 4y ago
  To be clear, non-monogamy is also not a silver bullet to a failing marriage There's even a name for that: RBAMP (Relationship Broken, Add More People). The silver bullet, as it were, is open communication about your needs, wants, and fears. Sometimes, that leads to ethical non-monogamy -- when that is actually what you want, and when you can manage the genuine fears that come with that. Sometimes, it reveals other issues that require other solutions. It depends on the partners, and how well they understand themselves and each other. The things you think you want are not always what you want. It would definitely help to stop having society declare non-monogamy the ultimate sin, even if that's what the partners want. Relationships are hard enough without having to satisfy people who aren't even part of it.

42 points by metadat 4y ago

>others say their “low-libido” husbands can watch endless pornography, >They can’t erase the influence of porn or social media. Or, they can and should.

metadat 4y ago
Why does porn consumption tend to result in less sex between couples? I see three common possibilities: 1. It increases arousal, which would hopefully increase sexual desire. 2. People use it as more of a "complete solution" / substitution. 3. People use it as a tool to avoid confronting and dealing with the inevitable problems and complexities which are bound to arise in any long-term relationship. To me, pornography seems like such a poor substitute for real life connection and experiences, I've found it doesn't replace anything beyond, uh, basic "maintenance" needs. Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. Between this and the depressing macro-economic climate, our generation has a tough road ahead.
- firstfewshells 4y ago
  Porn has consistently shown to short circuit dopamine pathways in our brains. As a result, real world sex feels too vanilla and there is always a craving for something novel. Lots of men have porn induced ED.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - theGnuMe 4y ago
    There are two solutions here. One is you can detox from it.. takes 2 weeks or so. Second if your partner is into it you can watch porn together and have IRL sex.
    - lookagain 4y ago
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
- cplusplusfellow 4y ago
  Porn should be used to get ideas for what you want to do with your partner. That’s my .002.
- notinfuriated 4y ago
  > Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. I find this to be true as well, but I would wager many strongly disagree with this statement based on their own experiences.
- pengaru 4y ago
  I don't think it's all that complicated. Porn delivers a virtual form of variety/novelty, without the risks of real promiscuity. Going back to your long-term partner is just more of the same monotony vs. the practically infinite supply of different people on pornhub.com. relevant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
  - BlargMcLarg 4y ago
    The actual answer is in the article: porn won't say no. Everything else escalates from there.
  - metadat 4y ago
    This is a rather stupid and short-sighted "effect". Sex gets better and better with a partner you have a strong emotional bond with. Also, as you get more familiar with each other over time, new levels of connection unlocked through mutual trust and comfort are attainable.
- vinni2 4y ago
  > Porn is enjoyable, but pales in comparison to a real interaction with a real live person. No doubt real interaction is more enjoyable, but real interaction with whom and the same person again and again over years matters too...
- QuarterReptile 4y ago
  [dead]

BlargMcLarg 4y ago

So basically it turns out stressing women more, giving men alternatives and actively teaching men to not be sexually aggressive has lead to a lot less sex. Did people really expect anything else? The writing has been on the wall for a while now.

treeman79 4y ago
15 year old college humor bit on needing lawyers before fun times. https://youtu.be/f--u_puzhGs https://youtu.be/f--u_puzhGs Was funny at the time. Seems prudent now.
- pyuser583 4y ago
  Is that college humor?
Dracophoenix 4y ago
> giving men alternatives Just a nitpick, but prostitution, concubinage, burlesque shows, etc. have long preceded pornography
- hombre_fatal 4y ago
  Now compare the accessibility of those versus going to pornsite.com to see the key difference. How many guys here have concubines that compete with their wife’s attention?

gexla 4y ago

TLDR: Someone discovered r/DeadBedrooms and wrote an article about it, and called it a Millennial problem. The article does mention a "2021 survey of adults ages 18 to 45 across the US, conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and sex-retailer Lovehoney." I would have to see surveys going further back than this. My guess is that this has always been a thing, but popular subs on Reddit highlight interesting societal issues we may not have been aware of previously.

spacemadness 4y ago
As soon as I see a reference to a subreddit as a base for an article I stop reading. How lazy can you get as a journalist.
- xwowsersx 4y ago
  Why? That seems like an unnecessarily broad rule. I could understand being a bit weary maybe or using that as context to suspect that the article might be exaggerating or that it's making an issue out of nothing, but plenty of subreddits contain discussions and posts that could be reasonable starting points for interesting "news" or analysis.
  - spacemadness 4y ago
    Because my time is valuable and a majority of the time it’s a lazy reference to some societal phenomenon to generate a clickbait headline. I don’t owe these people my time and they should do better.
ay 4y ago
It’s a well known folks wisdom “your relationship will change with years, it is normal”. Took me until discovering this book to learn what exactly happens: https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Chemistry-Love-ebook/dp/B0B5B1Q7YL/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1QLUORRDW1GF3&keywords=complete+idiots+guide+to+chemistry+of+love&qid=1666343186&sprefix=complete+idiots+guide+yo+chemistry+of+love%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-1 https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Guide-Chemistry-Love-... Despite its name, it is a highly practical book which scientifically explains what is going on from neurochemistry point of view, and I think reading and discussing together this book is a productive way to start a conversation on the topic.

morbia 4y ago

Disclaimer: I'm gay and polyamorous so I have quite a biased view on these things. I actually think that really deep down monogamy doesn't work for a fair chunk of the population. The model of having your one life partner to satisfy all of your sexual needs for eternity has a number of problems: * We are not always in the mood for sex. Your sex drive can be low for days, weeks or even months and it be perfectly normal. Having the pressure to perform when you're not really in the mood is a horrible feeling. This has a side effects of resentment between the couple. * Repeating the same sexual experience with the same individual with no changes (e.g. exploring kinks, new positions etc) gets monotonous. No matter how attracted you are to that person, monotonous experiences really impact sexual arousal. I don't think these problems are new society, but I think there were non-ethical outlets in the past. To the first point for example, in a time gone past the good housewife barely had a say in consent. Prostitution, cheating etc were outlets for the second point. People feel a lot of shame when talking about ethical non-monogamy, particularly slut shaming women. In reality it's the ultimate level of trust in a relationship. I don't want the pressure of having to satisfy all of my partner's sexual needs for eternity, I trust them to explore other individuals if I'm not in the mood. To be clear, non-monogamy is also not a silver bullet to a failing marriage, nor is it for everyone. However I really think as a society we should be less judgemental and critical of people who have unconventional relationships and keep an open mind for your own. edit: typos

jfengel 4y ago
To be clear, non-monogamy is also not a silver bullet to a failing marriage There's even a name for that: RBAMP (Relationship Broken, Add More People). The silver bullet, as it were, is open communication about your needs, wants, and fears. Sometimes, that leads to ethical non-monogamy -- when that is actually what you want, and when you can manage the genuine fears that come with that. Sometimes, it reveals other issues that require other solutions. It depends on the partners, and how well they understand themselves and each other. The things you think you want are not always what you want. It would definitely help to stop having society declare non-monogamy the ultimate sin, even if that's what the partners want. Relationships are hard enough without having to satisfy people who aren't even part of it.