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There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with

There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to do better for the good of others in our lives. Finally, they give us the chance to heal others similarly, our partners are never perfect either. Does that mean that having kids will solve your problems? Of course not. The idea that you should be ok with or without kids is also fraught. It’s a question of degree, perhaps being obsessed with having kids is bad, but wanting them and being disappointed in not having them is fine.

deleted 4y ago
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danielbln 4y ago
There is a pretty wide gamut between "being happy with oneself" and "perfecting oneself".
- andrewvc 4y ago
  They are orthogonal, plenty of people are happy with themselves despite being abusive or toxic. It’s a poor heuristic for one’s ability to socialize with others or be a parent. Also, unhappiness can be something people are in denial about. I think what people are trying to say is that if you want to become a parent you should be capable of providing the child with a good childhood. That’s an admirable goal but answering that question is exceedingly tricky.
birksherty 4y ago
> The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. Ok when they give consent like your spouse. The to be born kid did not. Kids are not anyone's property to experiment with. You should not force a 3rd parson (the kid) without their consent into your life if you are not mentally and physically well. Do whatever you want with your own life that does not involve unwilling subject. Personally, I would not wish to be born to someone who is struggling, which will make me suffer later. Most people only care about consent when it's them, not others and even refuses.

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danielbln 4y ago

There is a pretty wide gamut between "being happy with oneself" and "perfecting oneself".

andrewvc 4y ago
They are orthogonal, plenty of people are happy with themselves despite being abusive or toxic. It’s a poor heuristic for one’s ability to socialize with others or be a parent. Also, unhappiness can be something people are in denial about. I think what people are trying to say is that if you want to become a parent you should be capable of providing the child with a good childhood. That’s an admirable goal but answering that question is exceedingly tricky.

birksherty 4y ago

> The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. Ok when they give consent like your spouse. The to be born kid did not. Kids are not anyone's property to experiment with. You should not force a 3rd parson (the kid) without their consent into your life if you are not mentally and physically well. Do whatever you want with your own life that does not involve unwilling subject. Personally, I would not wish to be born to someone who is struggling, which will make me suffer later. Most people only care about consent when it's them, not others and even refuses.