4 ms·

A lot of comments here are along the lines of, “how you’re feeling is not really about what you think it’s about.” I think that’s very dismissive. Just because

by pevey 4y ago

A lot of comments here are along the lines of, “how you’re feeling is not really about what you think it’s about.” I think that’s very dismissive. Just because some others can’t relate, that doesn’t mean what you feel is not valid. We are biological beings, and the drive to procreate is very strong. It is existential. Some feel it more than others. I am very sorry for what you’re going through.

BaseballPhysics 4y ago
I really don't agree. Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? Hell, hints of borderline suicide ideation? That looks like a significant struggle with mental illness to me. Forty is often that turning point in life where the end starts to look closer to the beginning. You have a lot more of your life to look back at and less to look forward to. We joke about mid-life crises, but they're a real thing. The OP sure sounds to me like they're going through exactly that, and children have become a fixation. And if they're struggling with anxiety and depression now, I can't imagine what they'd go through as a parent. At minimum, they should not be making any decisions until they get a little healthier. First, it's very unlikely any decision they take, today, would be rational. And second, if they did choose to become a parent, they'd be doing so at a time when they're incredibly mentally and emotionally fragile, which is a recipe for disaster.
- ASalazarMX 4y ago
  > Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? I'm not going to psychoanalyze someone by a single text message, but I also thought it was unusual to swing that hard. Probably the decision was not thought well and hence the regret, maybe the neighbors have beautiful babies and FOMO brings regret, maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy, only they know. I can only contribute my experience deciding not having kids. We both agreed to not have them, we're 50 now, the window has closed indeed for us, and we don't regret that decision at all. It's fantastic to age together and be the center of our own little family. What little need for forging a malleable mind is left, is fulfilled by the sporadic visits to/from our nephews and nieces. Whatever OP does, I hope he doesn't do it on impulse. It's immensely better to regret not having kids, than regret having them.
  - Sohcahtoa82 4y ago
    > maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy It makes me laugh when people talk about having a "legacy" 99.999% of people are unremarkable. There are currently just over 1M Wikipedia articles about living people. Meanwhile, there are 7.7B people on the planet. Even if you made the incorrect assumption that all 1M were about living Americans, with the US population being nearly 330M, that means you'd have to be in the top 0.3% to even have a Wikipedia article about you. Unless you become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or at least a state-level politician, or become a high-profile criminal, you will probably be forgotten entirely within three generations of your death. It surprises me that some people have a hard time coming to terms with this.
    - freedom2099 4y ago
      Even CEOs and most head of state will be forgotten in a couple of generations unless they do something really bad or really good. And most don’t!
      - Sohcahtoa82 4y ago
        They might at least end up with a Wikipedia article that doesn't immediately get deleted for not being notable.
        freedom2099 4y ago
        Such a worthy goal!
    - educatedwoman 4y ago
      Very true, but I think people associate the word "legacy" more with their children and community rather than their social status in the world. "legacy" is very important to me as I want to have an impact on my friends, family and community. I might never have a wikipedia article about me, but at least I had kids and they will have kids and so on. Of course, I will eventually be forgotten (I don't know who my great great grandparents were) but if it weren't for them I would not be here today. One of the defs is " something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past".
specialp 4y ago
I agree 100%. As I got older and my father died and other older family members I realized that I was taking for granted my family and all of the energy around me it generated. The things that made me happy such as working, traveling and hobbies felt like they needed more. Also this is weird but just seeing guys locked up in prison that were the coldest people that ever existed weeping over their kids really got me feeling it was something special. It is something special. I have a kid now and another coming in the next few weeks. It is both the most time consuming and expensive thing I can do but also the most meaningful. I never thought I would feel this way 5 years ago. It is definitely dismissive to tell someone hey your feelings are rooted in other problems. It is not like OP is longing for a cupcake or something. So I support the OP and if it is really something you need, do it!

by pevey 4y ago

BaseballPhysics 4y ago

I really don't agree. Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? Hell, hints of borderline suicide ideation? That looks like a significant struggle with mental illness to me. Forty is often that turning point in life where the end starts to look closer to the beginning. You have a lot more of your life to look back at and less to look forward to. We joke about mid-life crises, but they're a real thing. The OP sure sounds to me like they're going through exactly that, and children have become a fixation. And if they're struggling with anxiety and depression now, I can't imagine what they'd go through as a parent. At minimum, they should not be making any decisions until they get a little healthier. First, it's very unlikely any decision they take, today, would be rational. And second, if they did choose to become a parent, they'd be doing so at a time when they're incredibly mentally and emotionally fragile, which is a recipe for disaster.

ASalazarMX 4y ago
> Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? I'm not going to psychoanalyze someone by a single text message, but I also thought it was unusual to swing that hard. Probably the decision was not thought well and hence the regret, maybe the neighbors have beautiful babies and FOMO brings regret, maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy, only they know. I can only contribute my experience deciding not having kids. We both agreed to not have them, we're 50 now, the window has closed indeed for us, and we don't regret that decision at all. It's fantastic to age together and be the center of our own little family. What little need for forging a malleable mind is left, is fulfilled by the sporadic visits to/from our nephews and nieces. Whatever OP does, I hope he doesn't do it on impulse. It's immensely better to regret not having kids, than regret having them.
- Sohcahtoa82 4y ago
  > maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy It makes me laugh when people talk about having a "legacy" 99.999% of people are unremarkable. There are currently just over 1M Wikipedia articles about living people. Meanwhile, there are 7.7B people on the planet. Even if you made the incorrect assumption that all 1M were about living Americans, with the US population being nearly 330M, that means you'd have to be in the top 0.3% to even have a Wikipedia article about you. Unless you become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or at least a state-level politician, or become a high-profile criminal, you will probably be forgotten entirely within three generations of your death. It surprises me that some people have a hard time coming to terms with this.
  - freedom2099 4y ago
    Even CEOs and most head of state will be forgotten in a couple of generations unless they do something really bad or really good. And most don’t!
    - Sohcahtoa82 4y ago
      They might at least end up with a Wikipedia article that doesn't immediately get deleted for not being notable.
      - freedom2099 4y ago
        Such a worthy goal!
  - educatedwoman 4y ago
    Very true, but I think people associate the word "legacy" more with their children and community rather than their social status in the world. "legacy" is very important to me as I want to have an impact on my friends, family and community. I might never have a wikipedia article about me, but at least I had kids and they will have kids and so on. Of course, I will eventually be forgotten (I don't know who my great great grandparents were) but if it weren't for them I would not be here today. One of the defs is " something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past".

specialp 4y ago

I agree 100%. As I got older and my father died and other older family members I realized that I was taking for granted my family and all of the energy around me it generated. The things that made me happy such as working, traveling and hobbies felt like they needed more. Also this is weird but just seeing guys locked up in prison that were the coldest people that ever existed weeping over their kids really got me feeling it was something special. It is something special. I have a kid now and another coming in the next few weeks. It is both the most time consuming and expensive thing I can do but also the most meaningful. I never thought I would feel this way 5 years ago. It is definitely dismissive to tell someone hey your feelings are rooted in other problems. It is not like OP is longing for a cupcake or something. So I support the OP and if it is really something you need, do it!