When I read that you fantasize both about getting a deadly illness like cancer and uprooting your life by leaving your spouse, I think those are warning signs f

When I read that you fantasize both about getting a deadly illness like cancer and uprooting your life by leaving your spouse, I think those are warning signs for a depression. It's some very heavy things to be carrying around with you and it sounds really painful. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with such unpleasant thoughts and feelings I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, plus this is only a single post on a web forum, so I can't say for certain whether that's the case I think you need to address the pattern of thought you're describing and that it would be helpful for you to talk to a mental health professional to see if they can provide some relief to you A first step could be to simply tell your spouse "I think I have a depression and I would like to get better. Would you be okay helping me with that?". Make yourself accountable to the people you love and care about to take the actions needed to get better Depression is treatable and you can start feeling happy about your life again, I promise you! I hope you find a way to get through this difficult place that it seems you're finding yourself in