5 ms·

"forever" is very relative. If you have one kid, and a partner to raise them, then what you describe is very accurate. But if you have two kids spread out over

by issa 4y ago

"forever" is very relative. If you have one kid, and a partner to raise them, then what you describe is very accurate. But if you have two kids spread out over a few years, then you can pretty much assume 15+ years of your life are going to be very kid focused. This is not a BAD thing! But go in with open eyes! And, most importantly, results will vary significantly. All kids are different. And factors like if you live close to family, are comfortable financially, etc will have a huge impact.

JamesSwift 4y ago
Agreed. I always say getting married means the previous phase of your life is now over. Thats not a statement on better or worse, its just that you've now transitioned to another phase. Its the same with kids. Pre-kid life is now over. This is a new, different phase.
- zdragnar 4y ago
  Interestingly enough, this advice is bordering outdated. In the US, recent estimates put children being born to unwed parents at around 40%. This varies by race and income- for example, since 1990 the rates for white parents doubled from 15 to 28%, whereas on the other end of the spectrum the rate went from 63 to 69% for children of black parents. Breaking down by economic, education and other levels follow more or less similar trends- big jumps at the low end of the range, small jumps on the upper end. Edit- another interesting tidbit, divorce rates are highest among those over 55; presumably, parents whose children are now adults are moving on, whereas younger parents simply aren't getting married in the first place.
  - rdtwo 4y ago
    It makes sense parents that don’t share the load equally drift apart. I see so many families where one parent gets all the hobbies and trips while the other gets to stay home or work on kids and Housework 24/7
Narkov 4y ago
So much this! Add in health issues to your list of "reasons why things can be different". It's ignorant to think that your experience with kids is how it is for everyone. Kids can be hard - very hard.
- lotsofpulp 4y ago
  Yes, I think many people’s concern is volatility. Health issues are primary, and can affect your ability to work, and your ability to work affects your ability to provide for the kid(s). So if you do not have able and willing family or friends around to assist, then it can seem to be a risky venture.
irrational 4y ago
We had 7 kids spread out over 15+ years (the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 9 - so about 16 years). Our oldest didn’t learn to sleep through the night until she was 7! At one time it seemed like I would never get a full nights sleep again, but it has been so many years now since I was last woken up by a kid at night (the last time was our 17 year old waking us up after he got home from work at 2am to tell us the basement was flooding) that I hardly recall those sleepless nights. It is nice that all the kids are now old enough to bathe themselves, do their own laundry, can feed and clothe themselves, etc. Plus, I now have a homemade boardgaming group.
- kotlin2 4y ago
  I’ve always wondered how people with many kids can be emotionally available for all of them. How do you do it?
  - zdragnar 4y ago
    Part of it is that you are not their only support network; many siblings offers many outlets and sources for help / support / etc. Running a family that large is also certainly more time consuming in some aspects- grocery shopping is a significantly different experience when you go through multiple gallons of milk and dozens of eggs every few days, as an example. You rely on older children to help, and the whole family unit functions as a team. A good friend has 8 siblings. My parents both had 6. I only have the one, who is several years older than me. The family dynamic between a small and large family is simply fundamentally different. That doesn't mean less emotionally attachable or available, but almost certainly less one-on-one time.
    - kotlin2 4y ago
      Hmm that’s interesting. I wonder if the two systems produce equal outcomes into adulthood.
      - irrational 4y ago
        I’m not certain about adulthood (I doubt they are equal - there are probably positives and negatives both ways), but one of my kids has a friend who is an only child. She spends most of her time by herself and her home is very quiet. When she first came to our house, which is constantly in commotion (in a good way), she was sort of shell shocked. She has gotten used to it over time.

by issa 4y ago

JamesSwift 4y ago

Agreed. I always say getting married means the previous phase of your life is now over. Thats not a statement on better or worse, its just that you've now transitioned to another phase. Its the same with kids. Pre-kid life is now over. This is a new, different phase.

zdragnar 4y ago
Interestingly enough, this advice is bordering outdated. In the US, recent estimates put children being born to unwed parents at around 40%. This varies by race and income- for example, since 1990 the rates for white parents doubled from 15 to 28%, whereas on the other end of the spectrum the rate went from 63 to 69% for children of black parents. Breaking down by economic, education and other levels follow more or less similar trends- big jumps at the low end of the range, small jumps on the upper end. Edit- another interesting tidbit, divorce rates are highest among those over 55; presumably, parents whose children are now adults are moving on, whereas younger parents simply aren't getting married in the first place.
- rdtwo 4y ago
  It makes sense parents that don’t share the load equally drift apart. I see so many families where one parent gets all the hobbies and trips while the other gets to stay home or work on kids and Housework 24/7

Narkov 4y ago

So much this! Add in health issues to your list of "reasons why things can be different". It's ignorant to think that your experience with kids is how it is for everyone. Kids can be hard - very hard.

lotsofpulp 4y ago
Yes, I think many people’s concern is volatility. Health issues are primary, and can affect your ability to work, and your ability to work affects your ability to provide for the kid(s). So if you do not have able and willing family or friends around to assist, then it can seem to be a risky venture.

irrational 4y ago

We had 7 kids spread out over 15+ years (the oldest is 25 and the youngest is 9 - so about 16 years). Our oldest didn’t learn to sleep through the night until she was 7! At one time it seemed like I would never get a full nights sleep again, but it has been so many years now since I was last woken up by a kid at night (the last time was our 17 year old waking us up after he got home from work at 2am to tell us the basement was flooding) that I hardly recall those sleepless nights. It is nice that all the kids are now old enough to bathe themselves, do their own laundry, can feed and clothe themselves, etc. Plus, I now have a homemade boardgaming group.

kotlin2 4y ago
I’ve always wondered how people with many kids can be emotionally available for all of them. How do you do it?
- zdragnar 4y ago
  Part of it is that you are not their only support network; many siblings offers many outlets and sources for help / support / etc. Running a family that large is also certainly more time consuming in some aspects- grocery shopping is a significantly different experience when you go through multiple gallons of milk and dozens of eggs every few days, as an example. You rely on older children to help, and the whole family unit functions as a team. A good friend has 8 siblings. My parents both had 6. I only have the one, who is several years older than me. The family dynamic between a small and large family is simply fundamentally different. That doesn't mean less emotionally attachable or available, but almost certainly less one-on-one time.
  - kotlin2 4y ago
    Hmm that’s interesting. I wonder if the two systems produce equal outcomes into adulthood.
    - irrational 4y ago
      I’m not certain about adulthood (I doubt they are equal - there are probably positives and negatives both ways), but one of my kids has a friend who is an only child. She spends most of her time by herself and her home is very quiet. When she first came to our house, which is constantly in commotion (in a good way), she was sort of shell shocked. She has gotten used to it over time.