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> I'd have told him that what he was doing was very inappropriate (without buy-in from the team), and if he doesn't back off I'll quit. The reason not to do th

> I'd have told him that what he was doing was very inappropriate (without buy-in from the team), and if he doesn't back off I'll quit. The reason not to do this is that you're very likely to provoke a defensive response and have the other person dig in their heels. A gentler approach is more likely to get results, less likely to create tension in the relationship, and sets the tone of future decision making as adversarial. If that doesn't work you can try firmer approaches, and you can of course always quit or use the threat of quitting, but 99 times out of 100 leading with that will lead to worse outcomes. You don't give up any leverage by first trying to resolve conflicts without threats.

ajkjk 4y ago
Well the magnitude of your response should be calibrated to the magnitude of the grievance. A new boss coming in and changing everything in a way nobody signed up for or is on board with is very egregious, and I _will_ quit if they don't back down, so I'm going to tell them that. It's a statement of fact. If they don't stop, and I quit, and I didn't say that ahead of time, then I haven't communicated what I meant to.
- datavirtue 4y ago
  I find it much more satisfying to smile and nod and then leave unexpectedly without notice.
  - ajkjk 4y ago
    mm. I don't believe in doing that. You don't owe anything to the company as an abstract entity, but I believe you can be honest about your plans because it's respectful of the people around you, as people.
- tomtheelder 4y ago
  > Well the magnitude of your response should be calibrated to the magnitude of the grievance. This is where I disagree. The magnitude of response should be determined by the likelihood of achieving the desired outcome. Sometimes that requires drawing a really firm line, but usually it does not. And I'd argue that it virtually never involves drawing that line as your first strategy. Like I said, you should absolutely be willing to make that threat, and to walk away, but I don't think there's any benefit to yourself in leading with it. If your initial attempt fails, then try something more drastic until you either get your desired result or quit. I don't think you can expect people to be rational all, or even most of the time. Just because something is a fact does not mean it is necessary or beneficial to say it.

ajkjk 4y ago

Well the magnitude of your response should be calibrated to the magnitude of the grievance. A new boss coming in and changing everything in a way nobody signed up for or is on board with is very egregious, and I _will_ quit if they don't back down, so I'm going to tell them that. It's a statement of fact. If they don't stop, and I quit, and I didn't say that ahead of time, then I haven't communicated what I meant to.

datavirtue 4y ago
I find it much more satisfying to smile and nod and then leave unexpectedly without notice.
- ajkjk 4y ago
  mm. I don't believe in doing that. You don't owe anything to the company as an abstract entity, but I believe you can be honest about your plans because it's respectful of the people around you, as people.
tomtheelder 4y ago
> Well the magnitude of your response should be calibrated to the magnitude of the grievance. This is where I disagree. The magnitude of response should be determined by the likelihood of achieving the desired outcome. Sometimes that requires drawing a really firm line, but usually it does not. And I'd argue that it virtually never involves drawing that line as your first strategy. Like I said, you should absolutely be willing to make that threat, and to walk away, but I don't think there's any benefit to yourself in leading with it. If your initial attempt fails, then try something more drastic until you either get your desired result or quit. I don't think you can expect people to be rational all, or even most of the time. Just because something is a fact does not mean it is necessary or beneficial to say it.