5 ms·

Dating apps do not work because you are not actually present. You have the attention of hundreds of people at the same time, so unless you decide to meet up rig

Dating apps do not work because you are not actually present. You have the attention of hundreds of people at the same time, so unless you decide to meet up right away, the other party immediately loses interest. Most of the people are just looking for sex or something less serious, and the apps heavily paywall males. They are cancer. Meeting through friends is probably the safest, as that at least gives you some safety that you arent meeting up with someone completely nuts. Personally I met my date through a bar though.

blfr 4y ago
> unless you decide to meet up right away, the other party immediately loses interest Well, yeah. You should meet up right away. What else you gonna do? Flirt over text for weeks?
- Cloudef 4y ago
  Actually get to known each other before we go over for a drink or lunch, instead of hurrying it up just to have an awkward time?
  - blfr 4y ago
    You can get to know each other in person. Why would it be any more awkward than over text.
    - Cloudef 4y ago
      I don't know about you, but I don't usually meet up with someone just together that I don't know at all. It would be nice to talk at least for a while. It's different when you meet someone already in a social situation.
- hahamrfunnyguy 4y ago
  This is how it's supposed to be done, after all the other person wants to meet you too. Typically, I make a suggestion of somewhere to meet during the first text conversation. Never had anyone decline the offer. Most of my first dates have been enjoyable, even if I didn't see the person again. It's just pleasant casual conversation with a stranger. I've only ever had one really bad first date, but now the story is quite entertaining. I had her meet me at a concert I was attending with friends. She spent the evening alternately hitting on my friends and crying in the corner. To be fair, I didn't have high expectations for that date anyway which is why I tried to fold it into something I was already doing.
mikepurvis 4y ago
> Most of the people are just looking for sex or something less serious... Not in my limited experience browsing the 30-40 range in my area. There are a handful of profiles where it's clearly an ENM couple looking for playmates, but almost all the rest have the exhausted-sounding language of "serious only please", "no hookups/nsa", "please don't be a weirdo/cheater", "please have your shit together", etc. > ... and the apps heavily paywall males. They are cancer. Yes, absolutely. The current state of affairs sucks for everyone. But I'm not sure if meeting people at a bar is necessarily any guarantee of finding someone who isn't "completely nuts".
- lmm 4y ago
  > almost all the rest have the exhausted-sounding language of "serious only please", "no hookups/nsa" Which is notoriously one of the strongest indicators of a woman who's looking for hookups/nsa.
throwaway289943 4y ago
Another big reason why dating apps suck, is that people don't go on dates. People meet their partners in groups of friends of friends, at parties. Before dating apps, nobody would ask a stranger out for a date, and nobody wants to do that now either, so the apps is enabling something that people don't actually want. It should be focused on getting together groups of friends of friends for parties instead.
- Cloudef 4y ago
  Even if you do, it usually feels very unnatural as you don't really know each other yet. I agree that meeting in a group works better.
- slater 4y ago
  Personals ads in newspapers have been a thing since forever
- CapricornNoble 4y ago
  >>>Before dating apps, nobody would ask a stranger out for a date, and nobody wants to do that now either, so the apps is enabling something that people don't actually want. Huh? Before dating apps, you would do things like go to the mall, and look for cute girls in the food court to start a conversation with. We were absolutely approaching strangers to ask out. Did you not date in the late 90s (or even earlier)?
imiric 4y ago
> Dating apps do not work > unless you decide to meet up right away, the other party immediately loses interest. I think you're contradicting yourself, and making an objective statement from your subjective experience. Dating apps are best used to setup actual physical dates. They're the digital equivalent of making eye contact at a bar or party, and giving a stranger your contact information. All the while eliminating the uncertainty of whether the other person is even interested, based on initial physical appearance and whatever they decided to share in their profile. > Meeting through friends is probably the safest Sure, but that's always been the case. It's always been risky going on a date with a stranger, or a blind date. Dating apps make the blind date a bit safer, while substantially opening up the possible dating pool to beyond just via friends. Are they predatory, full of dark patterns and exploit lonely men? Absolutely. But I'd still argue they're better than meeting a random person at the bar, evidenced by many people who do find suitable short or even long-term partners on them.
- Cloudef 4y ago
  Yes, I agree I have bit of biased view here. I do find it very unnatural to go to blind date with person I barely know. Compared to something lets say bar, it's less unnatural because you both just happened to be there, maybe you both came with some other friends and just happened to start talking to each other. To be honest, I've had better experiences meeting people through non dating online communities than from dating apps, because you already have kind of an idea how the person you are meeting is like.
  - mikepurvis 4y ago
    > non dating online communities How does the geographical aspect work? Are you mobile enough that you don't mind meeting a person that's a flight away? Or is it primarily online communities that are already geo-bound, like discords/reddits for particular cities?
    - Cloudef 4y ago
      In my case, there were both cases. Meeting people far away, but also locally. Sometimes we would gather somewhere as a group.
ketzo 4y ago
I mean -- I've had multiple medium-to-long term, fulfilling relationships that started on dating apps. They do work sometimes. Yeah, it's a shitty environment, and it's very much a numbers game (especially for hetero guys), but again -- you're coming from an extremely judgmental place.
- mattmaroon 4y ago
  The number of men with the attitude that the problem couldn’t possibly be the way they use the apps is astounding. A female friend of mine took some very expensive online dating class run by a former data scientist from one of these apps and she started her own side business fixing mens profiles. I was very skeptical at first but I have several friends who’ve used her. Each of them went from basically no success at all to getting dates every week. The good news is while there’s probably nothing you can do to make it a truly enjoyable experience, online dating can work quite well largely because the competition is so poor. Ever watch a female friend swipe? It’s amazing how bad most men are at this.
  - edude03 4y ago
    Was it Logan Ury? If so I think that’s part of a much more complicated and nuanced discussion on self worth, self reflection, knowing what you want etc more than anything specific to “apps”
    - mattmaroon 4y ago
      I think the teacher of the class was female but I’m not certain! Honestly I’ve seen some of the profile transformations she’s done and they’re good. They got great results. And there’s nothing magical about them, just some good insights.
      - mikepurvis 4y ago
        I can't claim to be any kind of expert, but there are a number of TikTok accounts that get into this kind of thing, like Eric Explains. One of the biggest principles is that many women come to an environment like a dating app with a lot of preconceived notions about the men they're going to find there— that they're all going to be sleazes, pathetic, desperate, bland, immature, out of shape, whatever. So your #1 goal with a profile is to use the pictures to tell a story that challenges these preconceptions. For example: - Overall, favour photos that other people took of you over selfies (communication: I have good people in my life and am not looking for a support system) - A picture of you being domestic, like cuddling your pet, cooking, or even cleaning (communication: I have my shit together, can take care of myself, and am not looking for a substitute mom) - A picture of you doing something active that you love (communication: I already have interesting passions and will have worthwhile things to talk about) - A picture of you giving a presentation (communication: I'm a leader, people listen to me when I speak) - A picture of you in a suit at an event (communication: I clean up nice, I get invited to fancy parties) - A picture of you in an exotic location (communication: I travel and have varied experiences) But the main thing is that the pictures tell a story far more than the words do, so use the pictures. Don't make the words a bland list of assertions about your personality, instead use that space to tell a joke or give a conversation prompt. And then there's a few sort of obvious turn-offs to avoid, like the shirtless bathroom selfie, the fish pic, the pic with your ex, the joke that you're willing to lie about how you met. All of that just makes you blend in with the crowd rather than stand out.

blfr 4y ago

> unless you decide to meet up right away, the other party immediately loses interest Well, yeah. You should meet up right away. What else you gonna do? Flirt over text for weeks?

Cloudef 4y ago
Actually get to known each other before we go over for a drink or lunch, instead of hurrying it up just to have an awkward time?
- blfr 4y ago
  You can get to know each other in person. Why would it be any more awkward than over text.
  - Cloudef 4y ago
    I don't know about you, but I don't usually meet up with someone just together that I don't know at all. It would be nice to talk at least for a while. It's different when you meet someone already in a social situation.
hahamrfunnyguy 4y ago
This is how it's supposed to be done, after all the other person wants to meet you too. Typically, I make a suggestion of somewhere to meet during the first text conversation. Never had anyone decline the offer. Most of my first dates have been enjoyable, even if I didn't see the person again. It's just pleasant casual conversation with a stranger. I've only ever had one really bad first date, but now the story is quite entertaining. I had her meet me at a concert I was attending with friends. She spent the evening alternately hitting on my friends and crying in the corner. To be fair, I didn't have high expectations for that date anyway which is why I tried to fold it into something I was already doing.

mikepurvis 4y ago

> Most of the people are just looking for sex or something less serious... Not in my limited experience browsing the 30-40 range in my area. There are a handful of profiles where it's clearly an ENM couple looking for playmates, but almost all the rest have the exhausted-sounding language of "serious only please", "no hookups/nsa", "please don't be a weirdo/cheater", "please have your shit together", etc. > ... and the apps heavily paywall males. They are cancer. Yes, absolutely. The current state of affairs sucks for everyone. But I'm not sure if meeting people at a bar is necessarily any guarantee of finding someone who isn't "completely nuts".

lmm 4y ago
> almost all the rest have the exhausted-sounding language of "serious only please", "no hookups/nsa" Which is notoriously one of the strongest indicators of a woman who's looking for hookups/nsa.

throwaway289943 4y ago

Another big reason why dating apps suck, is that people don't go on dates. People meet their partners in groups of friends of friends, at parties. Before dating apps, nobody would ask a stranger out for a date, and nobody wants to do that now either, so the apps is enabling something that people don't actually want. It should be focused on getting together groups of friends of friends for parties instead.

Cloudef 4y ago
Even if you do, it usually feels very unnatural as you don't really know each other yet. I agree that meeting in a group works better.
slater 4y ago
Personals ads in newspapers have been a thing since forever
CapricornNoble 4y ago
>>>Before dating apps, nobody would ask a stranger out for a date, and nobody wants to do that now either, so the apps is enabling something that people don't actually want. Huh? Before dating apps, you would do things like go to the mall, and look for cute girls in the food court to start a conversation with. We were absolutely approaching strangers to ask out. Did you not date in the late 90s (or even earlier)?

imiric 4y ago

> Dating apps do not work > unless you decide to meet up right away, the other party immediately loses interest. I think you're contradicting yourself, and making an objective statement from your subjective experience. Dating apps are best used to setup actual physical dates. They're the digital equivalent of making eye contact at a bar or party, and giving a stranger your contact information. All the while eliminating the uncertainty of whether the other person is even interested, based on initial physical appearance and whatever they decided to share in their profile. > Meeting through friends is probably the safest Sure, but that's always been the case. It's always been risky going on a date with a stranger, or a blind date. Dating apps make the blind date a bit safer, while substantially opening up the possible dating pool to beyond just via friends. Are they predatory, full of dark patterns and exploit lonely men? Absolutely. But I'd still argue they're better than meeting a random person at the bar, evidenced by many people who do find suitable short or even long-term partners on them.

Cloudef 4y ago
Yes, I agree I have bit of biased view here. I do find it very unnatural to go to blind date with person I barely know. Compared to something lets say bar, it's less unnatural because you both just happened to be there, maybe you both came with some other friends and just happened to start talking to each other. To be honest, I've had better experiences meeting people through non dating online communities than from dating apps, because you already have kind of an idea how the person you are meeting is like.
- mikepurvis 4y ago
  > non dating online communities How does the geographical aspect work? Are you mobile enough that you don't mind meeting a person that's a flight away? Or is it primarily online communities that are already geo-bound, like discords/reddits for particular cities?
  - Cloudef 4y ago
    In my case, there were both cases. Meeting people far away, but also locally. Sometimes we would gather somewhere as a group.

ketzo 4y ago

I mean -- I've had multiple medium-to-long term, fulfilling relationships that started on dating apps. They do work sometimes. Yeah, it's a shitty environment, and it's very much a numbers game (especially for hetero guys), but again -- you're coming from an extremely judgmental place.

mattmaroon 4y ago
The number of men with the attitude that the problem couldn’t possibly be the way they use the apps is astounding. A female friend of mine took some very expensive online dating class run by a former data scientist from one of these apps and she started her own side business fixing mens profiles. I was very skeptical at first but I have several friends who’ve used her. Each of them went from basically no success at all to getting dates every week. The good news is while there’s probably nothing you can do to make it a truly enjoyable experience, online dating can work quite well largely because the competition is so poor. Ever watch a female friend swipe? It’s amazing how bad most men are at this.
- edude03 4y ago
  Was it Logan Ury? If so I think that’s part of a much more complicated and nuanced discussion on self worth, self reflection, knowing what you want etc more than anything specific to “apps”
  - mattmaroon 4y ago
    I think the teacher of the class was female but I’m not certain! Honestly I’ve seen some of the profile transformations she’s done and they’re good. They got great results. And there’s nothing magical about them, just some good insights.
    - mikepurvis 4y ago
      I can't claim to be any kind of expert, but there are a number of TikTok accounts that get into this kind of thing, like Eric Explains. One of the biggest principles is that many women come to an environment like a dating app with a lot of preconceived notions about the men they're going to find there— that they're all going to be sleazes, pathetic, desperate, bland, immature, out of shape, whatever. So your #1 goal with a profile is to use the pictures to tell a story that challenges these preconceptions. For example: - Overall, favour photos that other people took of you over selfies (communication: I have good people in my life and am not looking for a support system) - A picture of you being domestic, like cuddling your pet, cooking, or even cleaning (communication: I have my shit together, can take care of myself, and am not looking for a substitute mom) - A picture of you doing something active that you love (communication: I already have interesting passions and will have worthwhile things to talk about) - A picture of you giving a presentation (communication: I'm a leader, people listen to me when I speak) - A picture of you in a suit at an event (communication: I clean up nice, I get invited to fancy parties) - A picture of you in an exotic location (communication: I travel and have varied experiences) But the main thing is that the pictures tell a story far more than the words do, so use the pictures. Don't make the words a bland list of assertions about your personality, instead use that space to tell a joke or give a conversation prompt. And then there's a few sort of obvious turn-offs to avoid, like the shirtless bathroom selfie, the fish pic, the pic with your ex, the joke that you're willing to lie about how you met. All of that just makes you blend in with the crowd rather than stand out.