6 ms·

Ask HN: Planning for Parenthood

1 points by bckr 4y ago

I'm probably 10 years away from starting a family. I want it to be very intentional and give my children the best life I can. I want to take advantage of genetic screening or even enhancement if it's available at that time. I think I'd like to have a nanny so that my partner and I can both work and avoid burning out on the more difficult physical aspects of infants. I want to provide an excellent education whether that is public or private, traditional or nontraditional. Thoughts? Online resources or communities? What can I take into consideration between now and then?

fspacek 4y ago
You mentioned "hypothetical partner". Focus on that first, nothing else matters.
- bckr 4y ago
  Thanks. Updated to "future partner", as I have success with partnerships and am not worried about finding the right person in the given timeframe. I am not looking to get married and have a nuclear family, so I am looking to see how others with a hacker mentality are thinking about their children.
  - zaphar 4y ago
    The nuclear family as you call it has a lot of built in mental and emotional safeguards for your child. Even with a solid nuclear family it's hard to provide those safeguards, if you are intending to have children without them just be aware that you are going to have to work much harder to provide those mental and emotional safeguards. Parenting is already hard enough make very sure that you truly want to make it even harder still by going this route. I'm not saying it's impossible but you are in some sense doing it on hard mode. Full disclosure: I have raised 5 children.
    - bckr 4y ago
      Thank you, I'll learn more about this.
gregjor 4y ago
Sorry, but your bullet points all seem like the opposite of parenthood. Disclaimer: I have raised three children. Having children before you get old makes sense. Pregnancy and childbirth get harder on women as they get older, and some evidence shows that sperm quality decreases with age. Nature has optimized us to reproduce while still young. Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years. Screening for defects and diseases makes sense to reduce those risks. Enhancement seems unlikely given the ten-year horizon, and likely a bad idea even if/when available. Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work? Regardless of all of your plans and precautions, when you bring a child into the world you have responsibility for but not real control over that new person. You don't get to make them into something you want or can plan for. Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape. Parents who try to raise children according to their own ideas and dreams face conflict and disappointment. Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me. If you want that kind of control and tentative relationship on your terms, get aquarium fish.
- bckr 4y ago
  Thanks for a thoughtful response > Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years. Will be in my 30, and will have accomplished more and have more resources. > Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work? Did you homeschool? I don't see what makes changing diapers or keeping infants from killing themselves a very enriching way of spending energy. I'm interested in the dinner conversations, weekend activities and holidays, and in nurturing a child's imagination, creativity and character. > Regardless of all of your plans and precautions... Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape... Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me. I think you're reading into what I've said, quite a bit. Just because I don't control the growth of a tomato plant, doesn't mean I don't want to design its soil, sun exposure, and hydration conditions to the best of my abilities. Thanks again

1 points by bckr 4y ago

fspacek 4y ago

You mentioned "hypothetical partner". Focus on that first, nothing else matters.

bckr 4y ago
Thanks. Updated to "future partner", as I have success with partnerships and am not worried about finding the right person in the given timeframe. I am not looking to get married and have a nuclear family, so I am looking to see how others with a hacker mentality are thinking about their children.
- zaphar 4y ago
  The nuclear family as you call it has a lot of built in mental and emotional safeguards for your child. Even with a solid nuclear family it's hard to provide those safeguards, if you are intending to have children without them just be aware that you are going to have to work much harder to provide those mental and emotional safeguards. Parenting is already hard enough make very sure that you truly want to make it even harder still by going this route. I'm not saying it's impossible but you are in some sense doing it on hard mode. Full disclosure: I have raised 5 children.
  - bckr 4y ago
    Thank you, I'll learn more about this.

gregjor 4y ago

Sorry, but your bullet points all seem like the opposite of parenthood. Disclaimer: I have raised three children. Having children before you get old makes sense. Pregnancy and childbirth get harder on women as they get older, and some evidence shows that sperm quality decreases with age. Nature has optimized us to reproduce while still young. Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years. Screening for defects and diseases makes sense to reduce those risks. Enhancement seems unlikely given the ten-year horizon, and likely a bad idea even if/when available. Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work? Regardless of all of your plans and precautions, when you bring a child into the world you have responsibility for but not real control over that new person. You don't get to make them into something you want or can plan for. Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape. Parents who try to raise children according to their own ideas and dreams face conflict and disappointment. Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me. If you want that kind of control and tentative relationship on your terms, get aquarium fish.

bckr 4y ago
Thanks for a thoughtful response > Why wait ten years? If you think an infant will burn you out now it won't get easier in ten years. Will be in my 30, and will have accomplished more and have more resources. > Why have a child when you plan to have strangers (nanny, schools) do most of the work? Did you homeschool? I don't see what makes changing diapers or keeping infants from killing themselves a very enriching way of spending energy. I'm interested in the dinner conversations, weekend activities and holidays, and in nurturing a child's imagination, creativity and character. > Regardless of all of your plans and precautions... Children have their own personalities and eventually their own wants and desires and plans. A big part of the fun of raising children comes from watching that new person grow and take shape... Your plan seems to take all the joy and wonder out of having a child and parenting. Some things merit the "very intentional" approach, but relationships and children don't fit that category for me. I think you're reading into what I've said, quite a bit. Just because I don't control the growth of a tomato plant, doesn't mean I don't want to design its soil, sun exposure, and hydration conditions to the best of my abilities. Thanks again