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Unpopular opinion, apparently: the only communication style that avoids ever stepping on someone's toes is also going to create an environment ripe for passive
by unconed 4y ago
Unpopular opinion, apparently: the only communication style that avoids ever stepping on someone's toes is also going to create an environment ripe for passive aggression, mean girlsing, and playing the victim.
Such an environment has a horrible failure mode: when you're actually direct and just say what you mean, for example, because otherwise disaster will happen, everyone will immediately start theorizing what you could possibly have meant by being so direct. It's both ridiculous and dysfunctional, and creates paranoid spirals of backstabbing and ass-covering that burn entire companies down.
People who feel easily demeaned or hurt are generally insecure. They can't take a joke because they take themselves too seriously. They will also try to suck up to others because they hope that will curry favor and avoid negative consequences when they mess up.
It's basically a recipe for avoiding responsibility, and the last thing you should want in an environment where excellence is required to do a good job.
Having spent time in such a company, and eventually getting booted out when somebody _else_ lost their temper at me, here's the craziest part: the people in charge thought I had no filter and always spoke directly... in actuality I was constantly biting my tongue, keeping tabs on what was going on under their noses, and giving them plenty of hints and time to course correct before I spoke my mind... and even then I chose every word carefully, always staying within the bounds of decency.
They didn't even realize that what they saw as unacceptably direct, was actually another person's idea of overly constricting and two-faced, and they didn't realize what it would be like to navigate from the outside. Getting them mad was actually the only thing that _did_ work to trigger any sort of positive change. Anything else would just get rationalized away.
My advice: find people who can take a joke, who are eager to learn, and who don't define themselves purely through how others see them, and you won't need to worry about stepping on their toes. I'll even cop the heat and say your chances of finding that among a majority of female coworkers are extremely slim.
When you do find yourself worried that your communication partner needs to be handled with kid gloves, and that you can't just say what you're thinking... that's not an environment you want to be in, not among adults.
- hbrn 4y agoCouldn't agree more. What's worse, fragility is viral. If you're involved in building company culture, you have to constantly be on guard. If thick skin is not treated as a virtue, it will be treated as a vice. It's only a matter of time until you will be forced to celebrate bad ideas. That's sort of what happened to society in the recent years. "I'm offended" is seen as a valid argument. The most productive environments I worked at were extremely honest and direct. It's not even supposed to be surprising, and yet for many folks it is.
- vonseel 4y agoI agree with a lot of your points, but it's important to note that being direct is not a free pass for being an asshole. For example: if Bob sucks at SQL, and that happens to be one of your strengths, don't say stuff like "Man, these SQL scripts are trash" or "Dude, your SQL is ass, let me write it" - instead, something like "Hey, I noticed our db code is looking pretty rough, do you want some help cleaning things up?".
- afarrell 4y agoOr be kind yet direct by admitting your own need. “Hey Bob, I need to trust that when I open a PR of yours to review, that the SQL is not going to need a high decree of scrutiny. I’ve seen some bad habits that I’m willing to explain specifically, but first I need to hear that you’re willing to spend time to improve up your SQL skills or mindset.”
- saimiam 4y agoToo much “I” in this style. “Bob, your SQL PRs tend to take longer than usual and I’ve noticed it is because of a few technical things in how the sql is written. I used to make similar mistakes. Can we review these patterns of issues tomorrow?”
- afarrell 4y agoTrue. I’m being oversensitive to the risk of someone else taking things personally.
- afarrell 4y agoYou are right that we have a responsibility to be willing to risk another person’s feelings and our own social ostracism in order to speak the truth. I have failed in that responsibility before. I was motivated by seeking a guarantee that I would not harm the relationship. However, second-guessing people’s responses and speaking to protect other people’s egos led to the hell you describe. Yet if I hear that someone “can’t take a joke”, I’d first wonder if they are jokes which demean the relationship between the listener and either the joker or the company. I still think I have a responsibility to choose my words with care — care for the mutual trust and respect which constitute a healthy working relationship. The times when I failed to give someone clear constructive feedback, I failed to respect the other person’s emotional maturity. The times when I failed to speak an unpleasant truth directly, I failed to equip them with the knowledge to be trustworthy. The times when I failed to risk escalating a conflict, I failed to defend the constitution of the relationship.
- minhmeoke 4y agoYou might be interested in another approach known as Radical Candor. This involves both caring personally (respond in an empathetic way) while still challenging directly. The key is to be both kind and clear, specific and sincere. https://www.radicalcandor.com/ https://www.radicalcandor.com/ Summary: https://review.firstround.com/radical-candor-the-surprising-secret-to-being-a-good-boss https://review.firstround.com/radical-candor-the-surprising-... Bypass sign-in wall: https://archive.ph/l2WNK https://archive.ph/l2WNK https://mastersofcreativity.stanford.edu/archive/radicalcandor https://mastersofcreativity.stanford.edu/archive/radicalcand...