10 ms·

My takeaway is this: If you want to meet your significant other, attend a university. After university your chances will dwindle down as you won't frequent that

My takeaway is this: If you want to meet your significant other, attend a university. After university your chances will dwindle down as you won't frequent that big come together place any more.

capableweb 4y ago
Any social gathering is a place where you can meet your significant others, university is not the exclusive place for that. Most most introverted people tend to do though (myself included), is attending less social events as they become older. But you can still force yourself out there and meet people based on your hobbies. And who knows, maybe you meet your significant other at one of those events for your favorite hobby?
- thatguy0900 4y ago
  Church is really the classical place. It's a shame there's not a similar place for large groups of secular people to gather once a week for social events.
  - andrewinardeer 4y ago
    Sporting events fit that bill. As long as the other is going for the same team I would think.
    - bradlys 4y ago
      Are we talking about paying for seats to spectate? Cause if so - I highly disagree. You might get lucky every so often but I found people generally keep to themselves/their friend group.
  - spicyusername 4y ago
    Can't agree more. Many of my neighbors go to church and I'm very jealous at how much social capital it provides every single week for essentially free. It's such a shame that something so good is wrapped in something so silly.
    - danuker 4y ago
      I don't go to church, but I interpret the silliness less literally. For instance, replace God and Jesus with the Superego and Id respectively. You'd be surprised at how much sense some quotes make. But religion is so vague, it's almost mad-lib. And some parts will still be complete nonsense or primitive statecraft memes. Sharing this with other church-goers might not be well received, also.
  - capableweb 4y ago
    Not sure if it exists in your country, but all over Europe there are "Civic Centers" that host various cultural events, activities and curses where you can meet people from all walks of life. Great place to meet people with the same interests as you and usually hosts relatively cheap events as it's meant to be attend-able for all people.
  - NoGravitas 4y ago
    Unitarian Universalist Church. Ethical Culture Society. There are quite a few non-credal churches or "not-a-church" organizations built along churchy lines.
    - the_af 4y ago
      Many people bond over political activism and political groups. I know many such couples. 100% secular, no gods involved, no "church" even in the name.
      - Test0129 4y ago
        I would argue in the current climate "political activism" and "political groups" have replaced God and the Church as a religion. Secular, certainly, religious absolutely. I've heard from some people that they won't even consider dating someone who has even an iota difference in political views. If this doesn't sound like religious dogma I'm not sure what would.
        netsharc 4y ago
        And whatever the "elders" say, they agree, no critical thinking allowed!
  - swat535 4y ago
    I'm a Catholic so I attend Church often and in my experience, it really depends on how the Parish runs; in some places, people literally show up 5-10 minutes before Mass and then rush to the parking lot as soon as it ends, so you never have a chance to speak to anyone. However, in contrast, my fiance is from Peru and goes to a Latin Church; there you have a very strong sense of community and can meet plenty of people. Also, you probably won't be meeting your SO at the Church directly but you will most likely be introduced _through_ someone from the community (especially older people who have bigger families). The other thing about religious communities is that "dating" is not about hookups or casual sex but more about about finding life long partners and marriage. This can be a blessing or a curse depending on what stage of life you are in (though if you are truly devout, you won't mind) so it's not perfect. Anyway, for non religious people, there are still plenty of ways to meet: Volunteering programs, social clubs, sport centers, etc. The only advice I would give is meet as many people as possible because chances are your potential partner will be introduced to you through friends of friends eventually.
shafyy 4y ago
I would go as far as saying that most long-term couples meet after university (at least for people who were born after 1980, let's say). During university, a lot of people are still in the experimentation phase. I feel like later in life, maybe end 20s/early 30s, you had enough time to get to know yourself, and know what kind of person you are, what you care about, etc. Of course, this is anecdotal and based on myself and my friends. But just as a counterpoint to your "go to university" advice =)
smallerfish 4y ago
Romantic relationships formed in your early 20s are statistically unlikely to last. University is a fine place to meet people and have fun, but don't count on it as a place to find "your" significant other.
- the_af 4y ago
  But if instead of having a relationship that lasts forever, you value having a meaningful romantic relationship that lasts 5 or 10 years, university is pretty good.
  - smallerfish 4y ago
    Yes of course. But that's not what the person I was replying to was asserting.
wzdd 4y ago
The story leads with the fact that the author met her boyfriend on Bumble, despite attending the same university and living in the same city for five years. So that's a surprising takeaway.
- throwaway2037 4y ago
  I thought the same, but I am generation older. It made me think: Does anyone still ask people out for dates in real life? I am sure some, but the ratio must be incredibly low now after online dating became so common. To be clear: I do not think this is worse. For example, with the rise of different types of dating apps, it does seem that women (seeking men) have more agency in their dating life. In my generation (and culture), women almost never asked out men, so they were always waiting for romance to happen to them. Of course, this has changed significantly. Some part is the rise in agency of women (education, earnings power, social changes, etc.), and some part dating apps.
  - bradlys 4y ago
    Online dating is common but it doesn’t usually work for the average man. It will work for most women but most women don’t use it. Most men still need to find a partner through other means like cold approach (terrible - it’s highly dependent on looks just like Tinder) or through warm approach (friends of friends, hobbies, social groups, etc. - this is where most average men meet their partners). The issue now is the growing number of single men. This number keeps going up every year and it doesn’t look to be improving. It’s definitely leading to some not-so-great side effects. (The number of single women is growing more slowly)
    - alach11 4y ago
      > The issue now is the growing number of single men... The number of single women is growing more slowly How is this possible, outside of gender imbalance or imbalanced matching (i.e. one man in a relationship with multiple women)?
      - 4y ago
tssva 4y ago
Most people have or have had significant others. Although some have met them at university most have not. I have had several relationships where at the time I would have called the person my significant other but in retrospect there have only been 2 that have truly been significant to my life. I met my wife at a bar. A few years after she passed, I met my now girlfriend of 12 years at a farmers market where she was selling pickles and kimchi.
- greyhair 4y ago
  I noted in long form above. I met my wife in a bar. I had a primary care physician in the late 1990s that had been polling his patients on that his whole career, and said that a little more than 80% of his patients met at a bar. So there you go. I also agree with your assessment on partners, I have had a couple that were important at the time, but looking back, where more like friends with benefits. Only two were really significant. One that tortured me emotionally and basically set me up for over sensitive warning flags for about five years, what a mess. The other one I married over 25 years ago.
chrisseaton 4y ago
This used to be what everyone said. I remember an introductory talk at university where they explicitly said 'and most of you will meet your future spouses here' as if it was part of the package. Feels like just a few years ago it used to be everyone met their partner at university.
greyhair 4y ago
I had a primary care physician ask me where I met my wife. He was old, early 80s (since retired and passed on) and said he had been asking his patients that his whole career, and had been keeping track. I met my wife at a bar. Now, this was pre-smart-phone era, I will grant you that. He said that a little more than 80% of his patients met their spouse at a bar. He said every time he heard someone say "You need to go to church", "you need to volunteer", or any other thing like that, he would interject that no, you need to go out drinking and carousing with friends. And always with friends. Apparently, out drinking and carousing alone is not nearly as effective. You will have to accept the word of dead physician from the 1990s on that. Post 2008, the numbers have likely shifted. But I still recommend drinking and carousing with friends. (That doesn't mean heavy drinking, you don't have to get plastered to carouse)

My takeaway is this: If you want to meet your significant other, attend a university. After university your chances will dwindle down as you won't frequent that big come together place any more.

capableweb 4y ago

Any social gathering is a place where you can meet your significant others, university is not the exclusive place for that. Most most introverted people tend to do though (myself included), is attending less social events as they become older. But you can still force yourself out there and meet people based on your hobbies. And who knows, maybe you meet your significant other at one of those events for your favorite hobby?

thatguy0900 4y ago
Church is really the classical place. It's a shame there's not a similar place for large groups of secular people to gather once a week for social events.
- andrewinardeer 4y ago
  Sporting events fit that bill. As long as the other is going for the same team I would think.
  - bradlys 4y ago
    Are we talking about paying for seats to spectate? Cause if so - I highly disagree. You might get lucky every so often but I found people generally keep to themselves/their friend group.
- spicyusername 4y ago
  Can't agree more. Many of my neighbors go to church and I'm very jealous at how much social capital it provides every single week for essentially free. It's such a shame that something so good is wrapped in something so silly.
  - danuker 4y ago
    I don't go to church, but I interpret the silliness less literally. For instance, replace God and Jesus with the Superego and Id respectively. You'd be surprised at how much sense some quotes make. But religion is so vague, it's almost mad-lib. And some parts will still be complete nonsense or primitive statecraft memes. Sharing this with other church-goers might not be well received, also.
- capableweb 4y ago
  Not sure if it exists in your country, but all over Europe there are "Civic Centers" that host various cultural events, activities and curses where you can meet people from all walks of life. Great place to meet people with the same interests as you and usually hosts relatively cheap events as it's meant to be attend-able for all people.
- NoGravitas 4y ago
  Unitarian Universalist Church. Ethical Culture Society. There are quite a few non-credal churches or "not-a-church" organizations built along churchy lines.
  - the_af 4y ago
    Many people bond over political activism and political groups. I know many such couples. 100% secular, no gods involved, no "church" even in the name.
    - Test0129 4y ago
      I would argue in the current climate "political activism" and "political groups" have replaced God and the Church as a religion. Secular, certainly, religious absolutely. I've heard from some people that they won't even consider dating someone who has even an iota difference in political views. If this doesn't sound like religious dogma I'm not sure what would.
      - netsharc 4y ago
        And whatever the "elders" say, they agree, no critical thinking allowed!
- swat535 4y ago
  I'm a Catholic so I attend Church often and in my experience, it really depends on how the Parish runs; in some places, people literally show up 5-10 minutes before Mass and then rush to the parking lot as soon as it ends, so you never have a chance to speak to anyone. However, in contrast, my fiance is from Peru and goes to a Latin Church; there you have a very strong sense of community and can meet plenty of people. Also, you probably won't be meeting your SO at the Church directly but you will most likely be introduced _through_ someone from the community (especially older people who have bigger families). The other thing about religious communities is that "dating" is not about hookups or casual sex but more about about finding life long partners and marriage. This can be a blessing or a curse depending on what stage of life you are in (though if you are truly devout, you won't mind) so it's not perfect. Anyway, for non religious people, there are still plenty of ways to meet: Volunteering programs, social clubs, sport centers, etc. The only advice I would give is meet as many people as possible because chances are your potential partner will be introduced to you through friends of friends eventually.

shafyy 4y ago

I would go as far as saying that most long-term couples meet after university (at least for people who were born after 1980, let's say). During university, a lot of people are still in the experimentation phase. I feel like later in life, maybe end 20s/early 30s, you had enough time to get to know yourself, and know what kind of person you are, what you care about, etc. Of course, this is anecdotal and based on myself and my friends. But just as a counterpoint to your "go to university" advice =)

smallerfish 4y ago

Romantic relationships formed in your early 20s are statistically unlikely to last. University is a fine place to meet people and have fun, but don't count on it as a place to find "your" significant other.

the_af 4y ago
But if instead of having a relationship that lasts forever, you value having a meaningful romantic relationship that lasts 5 or 10 years, university is pretty good.
- smallerfish 4y ago
  Yes of course. But that's not what the person I was replying to was asserting.

wzdd 4y ago

The story leads with the fact that the author met her boyfriend on Bumble, despite attending the same university and living in the same city for five years. So that's a surprising takeaway.

throwaway2037 4y ago
I thought the same, but I am generation older. It made me think: Does anyone still ask people out for dates in real life? I am sure some, but the ratio must be incredibly low now after online dating became so common. To be clear: I do not think this is worse. For example, with the rise of different types of dating apps, it does seem that women (seeking men) have more agency in their dating life. In my generation (and culture), women almost never asked out men, so they were always waiting for romance to happen to them. Of course, this has changed significantly. Some part is the rise in agency of women (education, earnings power, social changes, etc.), and some part dating apps.
- bradlys 4y ago
  Online dating is common but it doesn’t usually work for the average man. It will work for most women but most women don’t use it. Most men still need to find a partner through other means like cold approach (terrible - it’s highly dependent on looks just like Tinder) or through warm approach (friends of friends, hobbies, social groups, etc. - this is where most average men meet their partners). The issue now is the growing number of single men. This number keeps going up every year and it doesn’t look to be improving. It’s definitely leading to some not-so-great side effects. (The number of single women is growing more slowly)
  - alach11 4y ago
    > The issue now is the growing number of single men... The number of single women is growing more slowly How is this possible, outside of gender imbalance or imbalanced matching (i.e. one man in a relationship with multiple women)?
    - 4y ago

tssva 4y ago

Most people have or have had significant others. Although some have met them at university most have not. I have had several relationships where at the time I would have called the person my significant other but in retrospect there have only been 2 that have truly been significant to my life. I met my wife at a bar. A few years after she passed, I met my now girlfriend of 12 years at a farmers market where she was selling pickles and kimchi.

greyhair 4y ago
I noted in long form above. I met my wife in a bar. I had a primary care physician in the late 1990s that had been polling his patients on that his whole career, and said that a little more than 80% of his patients met at a bar. So there you go. I also agree with your assessment on partners, I have had a couple that were important at the time, but looking back, where more like friends with benefits. Only two were really significant. One that tortured me emotionally and basically set me up for over sensitive warning flags for about five years, what a mess. The other one I married over 25 years ago.

chrisseaton 4y ago

This used to be what everyone said. I remember an introductory talk at university where they explicitly said 'and most of you will meet your future spouses here' as if it was part of the package. Feels like just a few years ago it used to be everyone met their partner at university.

greyhair 4y ago

I had a primary care physician ask me where I met my wife. He was old, early 80s (since retired and passed on) and said he had been asking his patients that his whole career, and had been keeping track. I met my wife at a bar. Now, this was pre-smart-phone era, I will grant you that. He said that a little more than 80% of his patients met their spouse at a bar. He said every time he heard someone say "You need to go to church", "you need to volunteer", or any other thing like that, he would interject that no, you need to go out drinking and carousing with friends. And always with friends. Apparently, out drinking and carousing alone is not nearly as effective. You will have to accept the word of dead physician from the 1990s on that. Post 2008, the numbers have likely shifted. But I still recommend drinking and carousing with friends. (That doesn't mean heavy drinking, you don't have to get plastered to carouse)