8 ms·

Parent time

137 points by janandonly 4y ago

tonmoy 4y ago
I will see them much less because of frustrating visa rules. That’s the kind of thing I agreed to when I decided to become an immigrant I guess.
BadOakOx 4y ago
Dupe of this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272
- aargh_aargh 4y ago
  @dang
  - janandonly 4y ago
    And strangely enough, that previous HN thread is [flagged]... It seems a lot of high quality articles are [flagged] nowadays? Or am I only noticing this because I'm mindful of my own submissions being [flagged] a lot ?
Kaibeezy 4y ago
Parents could have moved to SF, just sayin’ ETA: One set of parents could have moved from east coast to west. They had enough savings and could have found a modest place in a nice peripheral location. We had good SV jobs and would have helped them. They never really liked where they lived, never made the most of it, and only stayed there out of inertia; I hated the weather and sprawly shabbiness, would never have moved back. We spent a lot of time looking for nice places for them and got a lot of excuses. Our jobs became fully remote. The other set of parents got sick. So we moved to their clean, quiet, beautiful, small town in the northern UK. It sucks, you’d hate it, stay away.
- ElfinTrousers 4y ago
  I was gonna say "not at these prices", but actually I'm feeling more optimistic about that...have even entertained the idea of moving back myself if current trends continue.
- maerF0x0 4y ago
  Though you're getting down voted I do think there's some merit to your comment. When I moved from Canada to the Bay area I thought, and everyone said, that they (friends, family) would come visit. I got 2 visits in 8 years, both by my mom. This despite me going back to see varying people roughly twice per year. I've sadly learned that many of those relationships are a one way street of convenience. They're happy to see me when I come, to walk down memory lane. But they'll never put in the effort to come see me. Sadly this realization has been the demise of many of those relationships that I was carrying.
  - lezojeda 4y ago
    Well, I understand how you feel but... you are the one who moved, not them, I'm not from North America but I imagine it's not a small distance just judging from a map, not that easy. I have a friend who moved to Switzerland for example, being from Argentina it's impossible for me and almost anyone else to go there and visit him, but he chose that
  - JKCalhoun 4y ago
    Don't be too harsh. People have their own busy lives and perhaps relationships are often made when they are convenient. Also, too, sometimes the strength of the relationship is in a shared context — like co-workers. When a co-worker moves on, goes to another company, retires, there is less to chat about were you to meet up later, less shared context. Your oldest friends though will often always have that shared context of having grown up with you in the same environment, same "era". You act as a foil to one another in the degree to which you turned out differently (also to the degree you stayed similar). Your eyes and theirs will gaze upon the same landscape from the same vantage point: "Look at those kids and their phones, we were out riding bikes when we were their age." (Ha ha, etc.)
  - 4y ago
maerF0x0 4y ago
I cant refind the website right now, but i once encountered an interesting website that took this concept further. It demonstrated that many of us have already spent between 95-99% of the time we will see our parents. Eg: * presume your parents have you at ~30 * Live at home 18years x 365 days per year = 6570 days * You see them a week per year for the remainder of their life = 50 years * 7 days per year = 350 days therefore at 19yrs old you have 350/(6570+350) days remaining ~= 5%
- Maxion 4y ago
  That is pretty sobering thought.
- ako 4y ago
  Works also for your children: considering i've already spent over 60% (?) of my total time with my children (13/14yrs old)...
  - ryanwaggoner 4y ago
    Yeah, this post has always stuck with me: https://avc.com/2010/06/being-present/ https://avc.com/2010/06/being-present/ Around that time, I attended an offsite of a larger private equity firm and there was a organizational psychologist who gave a talk on work life balance. He said something I'll never forget. He said that you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers, tune you out, then turn into adults and build their own lives. I thought about my kids who were five, three, and a baby and realized that time was short and I needed to be present in their lives in every way that I could.
- ryanwaggoner 4y ago
  https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
  - maerF0x0 4y ago
    yeah that might have been it! > It turns out that when I graduated from high school, I had already used up 93% of my in-person parent time. I’m now enjoying the last 5% of that time. We’re in the tail end.
fareesh 4y ago
My parents are my neighbours. It's great. One of the things I value most about how life turned out.
- Ekaros 4y ago
  I personally prefer to have some distance. In my case 10-15 minute drive. Enough to stop entirely random visits, but still nothing really stopping it.
  - mrtranscendence 4y ago
    Yeah, I’m not much of a lover of visiting myself; I’m a half hour from my sister’s family and my mother (who live together) and that’s just about perfect. It’s close enough that I can help if they need me, but not so close that it’s easy for them to ask me to watch kids for them all the time … ok, I’m a selfish bastard, I admit it.
  - fareesh 4y ago
    I work from my old room so they see me all the time. There's never a need to visit
- bluGill 4y ago
  The biggest downside of moving out of state is being so far from my family. There is so much support I used to get. Now I don't have an automatic babysitter I can trust. I don't have someone to come help when I need to a hand for something.
- JshWright 4y ago
  We were neighbors for ~5 years and eventually decided it was working well enough that in 2020 (just before the start of the pandemic, as it turned out) we bought a house with an "in-law" apartment and now my parents live under the same roof. The two spaces are separate (only the laundry room and garage are shared), so we're not right on top of each other, and it's working quite well so far. My kids are still young (10, 6, and 6), and my parents are in their early 60's. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my kids will spend the majority of their childhood with nearly daily time spent with their grandparents. Similarly, a lot of end of life questions/complexities are already answered. My parents are in a home where they can age in place and we can provide care for them when their needs increase over the coming decades. I had some reservations, if I'm being honest (it was my wife and my mom who were the primary drivers of the plan), but having spent ~2.5 years in this arrangement so far, I really wouldn't trade it for anything.
golergka 4y ago
It's a great example of how being candid, even rude, can turn out to be very beneficial to people. Unfortunately, most people, unlike the thread author, would just get defensive and perceive this insight as a personal attack.
- dominotw 4y ago
  Because its not an insight?
  - mrtranscendence 4y ago
    You might disagree with how profound or surprising it is, but how is it not an insight of some sort? It was at least enough to get the author to make a drastic lifestyle change.
    - dominotw 4y ago
      This is a cliche internet reels trope. I call BS on his george story. Here is one of such "insightful" reels. https://youtube.com/shorts/kgPTJKwh6vc?feature=share https://youtube.com/shorts/kgPTJKwh6vc?feature=share There are a million of these floating around.
spywaregorilla 4y ago
> I was out for a drink with a friend. > As we settled in, George asked about my life and how I was feeling. > “I’m good. Busy!" > He stared blankly through my empty words. > Feeling the pressure of his gaze, I adjusted myself and added that living in California had begun to wear on me, it being so far from my parents on the East Coast. > George: “How often do you see your parents?" > Me: “Maybe once a year now.” > George: “And how old are they?" > Me: “Mid-sixties." > George: “Ok, so you’re going to see them 15 more times before they die.” ... > It wasn’t meant to be rude—it was just…math. There's something to think about in all this but I really can't get over imagining what a weird dude George is.
- pastor_bob 4y ago
  Probably a made up story for a twitter thread.
  - loceng 4y ago
    So then the author inherits the weird title? I could easily see more blunt-autistic types being so practical, straight-forward though.
  - hammock 4y ago
    Not sure why you're being downvoted. I've seen this story repeated at least three times by different people. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33066955 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33066955
    - marginalia_nu 4y ago
      Yeah, the whole story has that quality where you half expect the entire bus to stand up and give an applause at the end.
    - SamBam 4y ago
      Or, once someone has heard the story, they are more likely to bring it up again, continuing the cycle. I genuinely plan on mentioning this to my wife this evening. Not in a "let's move to live near my parents" way, but just as a way of bringing up that time is valuable. If she then mentions to someone that I said this, will they say "I don't believe you, I've heard this story before?"
biscuits1 4y ago
We decided to stay close to our parents. And yea we are "close." But some days I dream of moving far away from them. Of course i would write the same years later. The contrived human condition is mainly torture.
luxurytent 4y ago
Parent of a young family with two kids (6, 2). We moved to a lower cost of living city because we simply couldn’t make it work back “home” where my parents were — and even then, they were an hour drive away within a suburb from our desired living location. We’ve been afar two years now. It’s a short flight (2 hrs) and my parents live quite close to the airport, so we see them about four times a year. This is still not enough but their plan is to move where we are once they can retire in 2 or so years. What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support. Wife and I have had to really make an effort to build community with our neighbours, school parents, etc. In two years we have built a good foundation, which is a life saver! It really does take a village and I feel we’ve forgotten how to form that village. (The challenge was exacerbated due to COVID lockdowns) Hardest days are long weekend holidays when all the neighbours and friends go visit family (nearby). It’s usually not worth for us to fly so we stay in the quiet city. Sometimes it’s great, other times it’s hard and I miss my family. Either way, we just booked Christmas flights and we’ll be with them for two weeks. I’m looking forward to it.
- neutronicus 4y ago
  > What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support. My wife and I followed my parents to the low-COL city where they retired, and, while it's been nice to see them somewhat frequently, we were a little dismayed to discover that they kind of feel like they've "done their time" and don't take my son nearly as much as we'd like. Maybe we just don't ask enough, I don't know.
  - luxurytent 4y ago
    My anecdotal experience from speaking with other young parents: this is way more common than I anticipated!
    - stantaylor 4y ago
      As someone whose kids are both (ages 27 and 23) finally out of the house in the last couple of years--but no grandkids yet--I totally get this. I've very much gotten used to having my own time FINALLY, being on my schedule, etc. My son and his fiancee have talked about moving back in with us for a year or two to save money, and the prospect does't sound that appealing to me at this point. I'm happy that our son thinks he's always welcome back, and he is, but it will be an imposition if they do it.
RektBoy 4y ago
15 is still too much.
rayiner 4y ago
Loved this article. We live 10 minutes from my parents and see them several times a week. It makes life so much easier and more fulfilling. Our kids have a great time with “poppy and grandma” (and my wife and I can go on a date). And as they got older (early 70s) it’s nice to be around to chat about health concerns or have a little party for birthdays, etc. Ironically, living near family is a privilege that wealthier and more educated people are less likely to enjoy. My wife’s family pretty much all lives within a 2 hour radius of the old family homestead on the Oregon coast. Holidays are great—we just rent an AirBnB and everyone comes and visits.
jmoak3 4y ago
Yup, I did the same thing, for the same reason, about 3 months prior to this twitter thread.
hammock 4y ago
This "story" is likely inauthentic and is an overused trope. I was looking for the time one of Joe Rogan's guests used it. Instead I found yet another example of a different guest on a different podcast also using it: https://www.tiktok.com/@thequotebibles/video/6935574683957906693?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=6935574683957906693&lang=en https://www.tiktok.com/@thequotebibles/video/693557468395790... Doesn't make the insight less valuable, though
- SamBam 4y ago
  If the insight is valuable, and plenty of people have heard it in various forms, why is it unlikely that someone would bring it up in conversation?
mathattack 4y ago
An unfortunate thread for those of us at 0 who love to get 15 more.
- mrtranscendence 4y ago
  Yeah, I lost my father way back in the late nineties, when I was a teenager. I didn’t even get the chance to move far away and visit him only infrequently. To make matters worse, I don’t even think I’ll get five more years with my mother, let alone fifteen. She’s 70 and has quite severe COPD that puts her in the hospital with some regularity (yay, smoking). So I probably should visit her more often, while I can.
- lexapro 4y ago
  In most cases, even if you got 15 more, you would feel the same after the extra 15 run out.
Dobbs 4y ago
This is something I think about semi-frequently. Not in these specific words, but how in an ideal world I'd love to live a half hour or so away from my parents, and my siblings. This just isn't possible. Not because of jobs, there are quite a few tech jobs in the area now, and if I lived in SLC I'd even have a decently urban life. It isn't possible because my family is scattered to the four winds. Various siblings are all over the world. It also isn't possible because the world has grown so hostile. I'm trans so living near my parents would be at best uncomfortable for me, at worst it would be dangerous, and soon possibly illegal (banning access to hormones, etc).
nashashmi 4y ago
HN rarely comes up with articles and posts that talk about the importance of family. I think I have counted three in 10 years being here. But those posts are most striking and upends my entire view on life.
GTP 4y ago
I would elaborate a bit more by saying that I think that the amount of time that we spend with our parents and our relatives in general needs to change throughout our lives. In our early years we see them a lot because we need them. Then we reach a point were to keep growing as people it is beneficial to see them only a little. Or at least this is my experience: I'm now studying abroad because I realized that I reached the maximum growth that I could reach by having my family around, and that I needed to stay away from them for a while to keep growing. After having new experiences and thus having (almost) completed my personal growth, I may consider seeing them more often in the future.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
tediousdemise 4y ago
Nice attempt at guilting me, Satan, but my mom is way, way worse than you. If I were you, I’d be deeply concerned about only having 15 years left to yourself. Enjoy hell while it’s still warm and toasty down there.
ctrlmeta 4y ago
Why are we seeing a dupe of a LinkedIn-style "motivational" post on the same day? The dupe was literally a few hours ago here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272
kamilafsar 4y ago
For me moving farther away from my family has been key to spend more time with them. They live about 150km away from me. Because it’s a relative long distance they will always sleep over when they come (and me when I go to them), and we get to spend the weekend together in one house. My brother, who lives in the same city, meets them more often but for just an evening or afternoon. He always complains I get to spend more time with them even though he lives 10m away. BTW, I realize that 150km would be “close” for US and other big countries. In the Netherlands that’s the difference between east and west. :-)
zwieback 4y ago
I moved from Germany to the US after college 30 years ago. My one regret is not having seen my parents and family as much. Now I only have a few visits left, sobering thought. Going there in a couple weeks though.
rcarr 4y ago
The flip side to this, are some of us who have had to move back in with parents as adults for various reasons. I might miss them when they’re gone, but I also feel like I’ve had enough interaction for one lifetime, especially when they’re also the person that causes me the most stress in life. It is natural to fly the nest. The ridiculous housing market that is forcing generations to live together is not. In tribal cultures, when people come of age the tribe comes together to build them a hut. In modern societies, you come of age and it’s “Get lost, I don’t want any houses built round here or my house price will go down. You can get a house when you inherit one or earn one. Now get to work serving me and don’t complain that your earnings are far outstripped by house price, rent and utility inflation.” Live close to your parents by all means, that’s probably the sweet spot for most. But what really is the point of modern societies if we can’t even replicate things our ancestors had long solved? For the love of god can someone sort the fucking house crisis out.
- rossdavidh 4y ago
  You are entirely correct that the housing situation is f'd up. However, careful what you wish for, because when I look at the recent data I see a high likelihood of a massive "correction" arriving soon.
  - rcarr 4y ago
    It’s going to be painful but it’s also necessary. The economy needs to be based on productive work, not imaginary money from house price inflation. House prices cannot rise faster than salaries as they have done. It is unsustainable.
- xen2xen1 4y ago
  My dad recently passed, and now I'm seeing much more of my mom than I have since I moved out. So yeah, sometimes distance is better..
hatware 4y ago
Well, it's up to them.
asow92 4y ago
During COVID my wife and I decided to pack up our lives in NYC, move home, and bring work with us. A few months later my parents _bought the house next to ours_, and our lives are incredible: We support each other and enrich each other's lives, we feel like we've made incredible leaps in our relationships. We now have a kid on the way and my parents are ecstatic to be so close to us as we start this next chapter of our lives. None of this would be possible without the ability to be remote.
wiradikusuma 4y ago
I had an opportunity to work overseas. I told myself I'd save up to bring fortune and fame to my parents—at the cost of seeing them less. Few months down, my father passed away. Complications that could have been prevented had he got treated early (he hid it because "didn't want to trouble us", typical asian parents). My whole world turned upside down. I booked flights for the whole year to return home at least once a month. I treated my my mom and sisters family trips overseas. I didn't save up. Few years forward, everyone's married and we can't travel together anymore, and my mom is very old. And now I'm saving up for my own family. I'd probably richer had I saved up earlier, but I don't regret my decision.
ubermonkey 4y ago
I mean, I get it, but for a lot of people their parents live in a place where professional and social opportunities are impossibly low. Living there, or even within a quick trip there, is just not reasonable IF you want more than (e.g.) the state you were born in can provide. I grew up in Mississippi. I knew from childhood I would leave, because even in the pre-Trump era it was dominated by an ugly, reactionary, racist, homophobic, and sexist brand of conservatism -- blended with a side order of "Lost Cause" romanticism about the Civil War. It is, to be super super clear, a toxic place I yearned to escape from. (It should probably tell you something that the more urbane, cosmopolitan, tolerant, and diverse city I've made my home in for nearly 30 years is in Texas. When Texas is trading up, you KNOW you started low.) The author is privileged that his parents live in a reasonable place.
- itsoktocry 4y ago
  >The author is privileged that his parents live in a reasonable place. You preach tolerance and reasonableness, and paint (at least) 10% of the US population as with the same brush.
  - ubermonkey 4y ago
    This sounds a lot like "it's intolerant not to tolerate bigotry," which is, in the vernacular of my birth state, a dog that won't hunt.
- wallawe 4y ago
  This is nonsense. I lived in Vicksburg throughout my formative years and yes it has its fair share of rednecks but it's also go more diversity than most places in the US, e.g. Austin, TX. Yes, there is a poor standard of living in many areas, but there's also an amazingly rich cultural history (not just for whites). The problem is you are choosing to view an entire state strictly through the lens of politics when there are different groups, viewpoints, and communities to be a part of outside of the "conservative" ones you despise. You come across as the privileged one tbh in that you can afford to leave and move on to better opportunities in different regions. Many of the poorest people in the nation live in MS and they could use our help rather than our condemnations.
darod 4y ago
This is all well and good if you actually like your parents. There are reasons people leave home and never come back. Not all relationships with them are going to be the loving fairy tales one sees on TV.
- LVB 4y ago
  Yeah I’m in this situation. Parents are couple hours away by plane and we might see them once a year if that, mainly so the kids have some knowledge of their grandparents. The visits tend to get ugly, quickly, so they have to be carefully choreographed and usually the other party staying in a hotel. (Generally this is due to my dad’s behavior, which often will have him screaming profanities towards me or our kids.) Even the occasional Zoom calls are usually just them sitting there, nodding along, answering our forced questions. No real engagement there. Fortunately we have my wife’s warm side of the family as a counterbalance.
8organicbits 4y ago
A better way to estimate life expectancy is to use an actuarial life table. SSA has a very simple one based only on age[1]. Those show an expected 18 years for someone 65 years old. It's interesting to see that life expectancy stays above one year until the age of 113. Of course these are just expected averages, they are useful at scale but individual experience will vary. 1. https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html
pjbk 4y ago
And Port had said: "Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." - The Sheltering Sky, Paul Bowles (1949).
hiidrew 4y ago
Tim Urban has a great post on this, helps you visualize the timing: https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html Anyway, this makes me a bit sad considering I've recently moved a 15 hour drive away from my parents. Happy that they have a guest room and for remote work though. It also makes me ponder the differences in western culture and other places. I know in some cultures family is much more integrated, e.g. the grandparents move-in instead of sending them to a home or something. I love my city life but I do sometimes imagine living in a compound with my close family. I think it would be tolerable if everyone had their own space but was close in proximity.
WirelessGigabit 4y ago
I won’t even get there. They’re in their late 60s. But I live on the other side of the globe. Time difference + cost of travel make it really hard. It’s sad, because I’ve come to realize the asshole I was to my parents and I cannot help them now to make up for it.

137 points by janandonly 4y ago

I will see them much less because of frustrating visa rules. That’s the kind of thing I agreed to when I decided to become an immigrant I guess.

BadOakOx 4y ago

Dupe of this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272

aargh_aargh 4y ago
@dang
- janandonly 4y ago
  And strangely enough, that previous HN thread is [flagged]... It seems a lot of high quality articles are [flagged] nowadays? Or am I only noticing this because I'm mindful of my own submissions being [flagged] a lot ?

Kaibeezy 4y ago

Parents could have moved to SF, just sayin’ ETA: One set of parents could have moved from east coast to west. They had enough savings and could have found a modest place in a nice peripheral location. We had good SV jobs and would have helped them. They never really liked where they lived, never made the most of it, and only stayed there out of inertia; I hated the weather and sprawly shabbiness, would never have moved back. We spent a lot of time looking for nice places for them and got a lot of excuses. Our jobs became fully remote. The other set of parents got sick. So we moved to their clean, quiet, beautiful, small town in the northern UK. It sucks, you’d hate it, stay away.

ElfinTrousers 4y ago
I was gonna say "not at these prices", but actually I'm feeling more optimistic about that...have even entertained the idea of moving back myself if current trends continue.
maerF0x0 4y ago
Though you're getting down voted I do think there's some merit to your comment. When I moved from Canada to the Bay area I thought, and everyone said, that they (friends, family) would come visit. I got 2 visits in 8 years, both by my mom. This despite me going back to see varying people roughly twice per year. I've sadly learned that many of those relationships are a one way street of convenience. They're happy to see me when I come, to walk down memory lane. But they'll never put in the effort to come see me. Sadly this realization has been the demise of many of those relationships that I was carrying.
- lezojeda 4y ago
  Well, I understand how you feel but... you are the one who moved, not them, I'm not from North America but I imagine it's not a small distance just judging from a map, not that easy. I have a friend who moved to Switzerland for example, being from Argentina it's impossible for me and almost anyone else to go there and visit him, but he chose that
- JKCalhoun 4y ago
  Don't be too harsh. People have their own busy lives and perhaps relationships are often made when they are convenient. Also, too, sometimes the strength of the relationship is in a shared context — like co-workers. When a co-worker moves on, goes to another company, retires, there is less to chat about were you to meet up later, less shared context. Your oldest friends though will often always have that shared context of having grown up with you in the same environment, same "era". You act as a foil to one another in the degree to which you turned out differently (also to the degree you stayed similar). Your eyes and theirs will gaze upon the same landscape from the same vantage point: "Look at those kids and their phones, we were out riding bikes when we were their age." (Ha ha, etc.)
- 4y ago

maerF0x0 4y ago

I cant refind the website right now, but i once encountered an interesting website that took this concept further. It demonstrated that many of us have already spent between 95-99% of the time we will see our parents. Eg: * presume your parents have you at ~30 * Live at home 18years x 365 days per year = 6570 days * You see them a week per year for the remainder of their life = 50 years * 7 days per year = 350 days therefore at 19yrs old you have 350/(6570+350) days remaining ~= 5%

Maxion 4y ago
That is pretty sobering thought.
ako 4y ago
Works also for your children: considering i've already spent over 60% (?) of my total time with my children (13/14yrs old)...
- ryanwaggoner 4y ago
  Yeah, this post has always stuck with me: https://avc.com/2010/06/being-present/ https://avc.com/2010/06/being-present/ Around that time, I attended an offsite of a larger private equity firm and there was a organizational psychologist who gave a talk on work life balance. He said something I'll never forget. He said that you have about ten to twelve years to connect with your kids and then they turn into teenagers, tune you out, then turn into adults and build their own lives. I thought about my kids who were five, three, and a baby and realized that time was short and I needed to be present in their lives in every way that I could.
ryanwaggoner 4y ago
https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html
- maerF0x0 4y ago
  yeah that might have been it! > It turns out that when I graduated from high school, I had already used up 93% of my in-person parent time. I’m now enjoying the last 5% of that time. We’re in the tail end.

fareesh 4y ago

My parents are my neighbours. It's great. One of the things I value most about how life turned out.

Ekaros 4y ago
I personally prefer to have some distance. In my case 10-15 minute drive. Enough to stop entirely random visits, but still nothing really stopping it.
- mrtranscendence 4y ago
  Yeah, I’m not much of a lover of visiting myself; I’m a half hour from my sister’s family and my mother (who live together) and that’s just about perfect. It’s close enough that I can help if they need me, but not so close that it’s easy for them to ask me to watch kids for them all the time … ok, I’m a selfish bastard, I admit it.
- fareesh 4y ago
  I work from my old room so they see me all the time. There's never a need to visit
bluGill 4y ago
The biggest downside of moving out of state is being so far from my family. There is so much support I used to get. Now I don't have an automatic babysitter I can trust. I don't have someone to come help when I need to a hand for something.
JshWright 4y ago
We were neighbors for ~5 years and eventually decided it was working well enough that in 2020 (just before the start of the pandemic, as it turned out) we bought a house with an "in-law" apartment and now my parents live under the same roof. The two spaces are separate (only the laundry room and garage are shared), so we're not right on top of each other, and it's working quite well so far. My kids are still young (10, 6, and 6), and my parents are in their early 60's. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my kids will spend the majority of their childhood with nearly daily time spent with their grandparents. Similarly, a lot of end of life questions/complexities are already answered. My parents are in a home where they can age in place and we can provide care for them when their needs increase over the coming decades. I had some reservations, if I'm being honest (it was my wife and my mom who were the primary drivers of the plan), but having spent ~2.5 years in this arrangement so far, I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

golergka 4y ago

It's a great example of how being candid, even rude, can turn out to be very beneficial to people. Unfortunately, most people, unlike the thread author, would just get defensive and perceive this insight as a personal attack.

dominotw 4y ago
Because its not an insight?
- mrtranscendence 4y ago
  You might disagree with how profound or surprising it is, but how is it not an insight of some sort? It was at least enough to get the author to make a drastic lifestyle change.
  - dominotw 4y ago
    This is a cliche internet reels trope. I call BS on his george story. Here is one of such "insightful" reels. https://youtube.com/shorts/kgPTJKwh6vc?feature=share https://youtube.com/shorts/kgPTJKwh6vc?feature=share There are a million of these floating around.

spywaregorilla 4y ago

> I was out for a drink with a friend. > As we settled in, George asked about my life and how I was feeling. > “I’m good. Busy!" > He stared blankly through my empty words. > Feeling the pressure of his gaze, I adjusted myself and added that living in California had begun to wear on me, it being so far from my parents on the East Coast. > George: “How often do you see your parents?" > Me: “Maybe once a year now.” > George: “And how old are they?" > Me: “Mid-sixties." > George: “Ok, so you’re going to see them 15 more times before they die.” ... > It wasn’t meant to be rude—it was just…math. There's something to think about in all this but I really can't get over imagining what a weird dude George is.

pastor_bob 4y ago
Probably a made up story for a twitter thread.
- loceng 4y ago
  So then the author inherits the weird title? I could easily see more blunt-autistic types being so practical, straight-forward though.
- hammock 4y ago
  Not sure why you're being downvoted. I've seen this story repeated at least three times by different people. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33066955 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33066955
  - marginalia_nu 4y ago
    Yeah, the whole story has that quality where you half expect the entire bus to stand up and give an applause at the end.
  - SamBam 4y ago
    Or, once someone has heard the story, they are more likely to bring it up again, continuing the cycle. I genuinely plan on mentioning this to my wife this evening. Not in a "let's move to live near my parents" way, but just as a way of bringing up that time is valuable. If she then mentions to someone that I said this, will they say "I don't believe you, I've heard this story before?"

biscuits1 4y ago

We decided to stay close to our parents. And yea we are "close." But some days I dream of moving far away from them. Of course i would write the same years later. The contrived human condition is mainly torture.

luxurytent 4y ago

Parent of a young family with two kids (6, 2). We moved to a lower cost of living city because we simply couldn’t make it work back “home” where my parents were — and even then, they were an hour drive away within a suburb from our desired living location. We’ve been afar two years now. It’s a short flight (2 hrs) and my parents live quite close to the airport, so we see them about four times a year. This is still not enough but their plan is to move where we are once they can retire in 2 or so years. What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support. Wife and I have had to really make an effort to build community with our neighbours, school parents, etc. In two years we have built a good foundation, which is a life saver! It really does take a village and I feel we’ve forgotten how to form that village. (The challenge was exacerbated due to COVID lockdowns) Hardest days are long weekend holidays when all the neighbours and friends go visit family (nearby). It’s usually not worth for us to fly so we stay in the quiet city. Sometimes it’s great, other times it’s hard and I miss my family. Either way, we just booked Christmas flights and we’ll be with them for two weeks. I’m looking forward to it.

neutronicus 4y ago
> What’s been hardest is parenting without parental support. My wife and I followed my parents to the low-COL city where they retired, and, while it's been nice to see them somewhat frequently, we were a little dismayed to discover that they kind of feel like they've "done their time" and don't take my son nearly as much as we'd like. Maybe we just don't ask enough, I don't know.
- luxurytent 4y ago
  My anecdotal experience from speaking with other young parents: this is way more common than I anticipated!
  - stantaylor 4y ago
    As someone whose kids are both (ages 27 and 23) finally out of the house in the last couple of years--but no grandkids yet--I totally get this. I've very much gotten used to having my own time FINALLY, being on my schedule, etc. My son and his fiancee have talked about moving back in with us for a year or two to save money, and the prospect does't sound that appealing to me at this point. I'm happy that our son thinks he's always welcome back, and he is, but it will be an imposition if they do it.

RektBoy 4y ago

15 is still too much.

rayiner 4y ago

Loved this article. We live 10 minutes from my parents and see them several times a week. It makes life so much easier and more fulfilling. Our kids have a great time with “poppy and grandma” (and my wife and I can go on a date). And as they got older (early 70s) it’s nice to be around to chat about health concerns or have a little party for birthdays, etc. Ironically, living near family is a privilege that wealthier and more educated people are less likely to enjoy. My wife’s family pretty much all lives within a 2 hour radius of the old family homestead on the Oregon coast. Holidays are great—we just rent an AirBnB and everyone comes and visits.

jmoak3 4y ago

Yup, I did the same thing, for the same reason, about 3 months prior to this twitter thread.

hammock 4y ago

This "story" is likely inauthentic and is an overused trope. I was looking for the time one of Joe Rogan's guests used it. Instead I found yet another example of a different guest on a different podcast also using it: https://www.tiktok.com/@thequotebibles/video/6935574683957906693?is_from_webapp=v1&item_id=6935574683957906693&lang=en https://www.tiktok.com/@thequotebibles/video/693557468395790... Doesn't make the insight less valuable, though

SamBam 4y ago
If the insight is valuable, and plenty of people have heard it in various forms, why is it unlikely that someone would bring it up in conversation?

mathattack 4y ago

An unfortunate thread for those of us at 0 who love to get 15 more.

mrtranscendence 4y ago
Yeah, I lost my father way back in the late nineties, when I was a teenager. I didn’t even get the chance to move far away and visit him only infrequently. To make matters worse, I don’t even think I’ll get five more years with my mother, let alone fifteen. She’s 70 and has quite severe COPD that puts her in the hospital with some regularity (yay, smoking). So I probably should visit her more often, while I can.
lexapro 4y ago
In most cases, even if you got 15 more, you would feel the same after the extra 15 run out.

Dobbs 4y ago

This is something I think about semi-frequently. Not in these specific words, but how in an ideal world I'd love to live a half hour or so away from my parents, and my siblings. This just isn't possible. Not because of jobs, there are quite a few tech jobs in the area now, and if I lived in SLC I'd even have a decently urban life. It isn't possible because my family is scattered to the four winds. Various siblings are all over the world. It also isn't possible because the world has grown so hostile. I'm trans so living near my parents would be at best uncomfortable for me, at worst it would be dangerous, and soon possibly illegal (banning access to hormones, etc).

nashashmi 4y ago

HN rarely comes up with articles and posts that talk about the importance of family. I think I have counted three in 10 years being here. But those posts are most striking and upends my entire view on life.

GTP 4y ago

I would elaborate a bit more by saying that I think that the amount of time that we spend with our parents and our relatives in general needs to change throughout our lives. In our early years we see them a lot because we need them. Then we reach a point were to keep growing as people it is beneficial to see them only a little. Or at least this is my experience: I'm now studying abroad because I realized that I reached the maximum growth that I could reach by having my family around, and that I needed to stay away from them for a while to keep growing. After having new experiences and thus having (almost) completed my personal growth, I may consider seeing them more often in the future.

deleted 4y ago

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tediousdemise 4y ago

Nice attempt at guilting me, Satan, but my mom is way, way worse than you. If I were you, I’d be deeply concerned about only having 15 years left to yourself. Enjoy hell while it’s still warm and toasty down there.

ctrlmeta 4y ago

Why are we seeing a dupe of a LinkedIn-style "motivational" post on the same day? The dupe was literally a few hours ago here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33038272

kamilafsar 4y ago

For me moving farther away from my family has been key to spend more time with them. They live about 150km away from me. Because it’s a relative long distance they will always sleep over when they come (and me when I go to them), and we get to spend the weekend together in one house. My brother, who lives in the same city, meets them more often but for just an evening or afternoon. He always complains I get to spend more time with them even though he lives 10m away. BTW, I realize that 150km would be “close” for US and other big countries. In the Netherlands that’s the difference between east and west. :-)

zwieback 4y ago

I moved from Germany to the US after college 30 years ago. My one regret is not having seen my parents and family as much. Now I only have a few visits left, sobering thought. Going there in a couple weeks though.

rcarr 4y ago

The flip side to this, are some of us who have had to move back in with parents as adults for various reasons. I might miss them when they’re gone, but I also feel like I’ve had enough interaction for one lifetime, especially when they’re also the person that causes me the most stress in life. It is natural to fly the nest. The ridiculous housing market that is forcing generations to live together is not. In tribal cultures, when people come of age the tribe comes together to build them a hut. In modern societies, you come of age and it’s “Get lost, I don’t want any houses built round here or my house price will go down. You can get a house when you inherit one or earn one. Now get to work serving me and don’t complain that your earnings are far outstripped by house price, rent and utility inflation.” Live close to your parents by all means, that’s probably the sweet spot for most. But what really is the point of modern societies if we can’t even replicate things our ancestors had long solved? For the love of god can someone sort the fucking house crisis out.

rossdavidh 4y ago
You are entirely correct that the housing situation is f'd up. However, careful what you wish for, because when I look at the recent data I see a high likelihood of a massive "correction" arriving soon.
- rcarr 4y ago
  It’s going to be painful but it’s also necessary. The economy needs to be based on productive work, not imaginary money from house price inflation. House prices cannot rise faster than salaries as they have done. It is unsustainable.
xen2xen1 4y ago
My dad recently passed, and now I'm seeing much more of my mom than I have since I moved out. So yeah, sometimes distance is better..

hatware 4y ago

Well, it's up to them.

asow92 4y ago

During COVID my wife and I decided to pack up our lives in NYC, move home, and bring work with us. A few months later my parents _bought the house next to ours_, and our lives are incredible: We support each other and enrich each other's lives, we feel like we've made incredible leaps in our relationships. We now have a kid on the way and my parents are ecstatic to be so close to us as we start this next chapter of our lives. None of this would be possible without the ability to be remote.

wiradikusuma 4y ago

I had an opportunity to work overseas. I told myself I'd save up to bring fortune and fame to my parents—at the cost of seeing them less. Few months down, my father passed away. Complications that could have been prevented had he got treated early (he hid it because "didn't want to trouble us", typical asian parents). My whole world turned upside down. I booked flights for the whole year to return home at least once a month. I treated my my mom and sisters family trips overseas. I didn't save up. Few years forward, everyone's married and we can't travel together anymore, and my mom is very old. And now I'm saving up for my own family. I'd probably richer had I saved up earlier, but I don't regret my decision.

ubermonkey 4y ago

I mean, I get it, but for a lot of people their parents live in a place where professional and social opportunities are impossibly low. Living there, or even within a quick trip there, is just not reasonable IF you want more than (e.g.) the state you were born in can provide. I grew up in Mississippi. I knew from childhood I would leave, because even in the pre-Trump era it was dominated by an ugly, reactionary, racist, homophobic, and sexist brand of conservatism -- blended with a side order of "Lost Cause" romanticism about the Civil War. It is, to be super super clear, a toxic place I yearned to escape from. (It should probably tell you something that the more urbane, cosmopolitan, tolerant, and diverse city I've made my home in for nearly 30 years is in Texas. When Texas is trading up, you KNOW you started low.) The author is privileged that his parents live in a reasonable place.

itsoktocry 4y ago
>The author is privileged that his parents live in a reasonable place. You preach tolerance and reasonableness, and paint (at least) 10% of the US population as with the same brush.
- ubermonkey 4y ago
  This sounds a lot like "it's intolerant not to tolerate bigotry," which is, in the vernacular of my birth state, a dog that won't hunt.
wallawe 4y ago
This is nonsense. I lived in Vicksburg throughout my formative years and yes it has its fair share of rednecks but it's also go more diversity than most places in the US, e.g. Austin, TX. Yes, there is a poor standard of living in many areas, but there's also an amazingly rich cultural history (not just for whites). The problem is you are choosing to view an entire state strictly through the lens of politics when there are different groups, viewpoints, and communities to be a part of outside of the "conservative" ones you despise. You come across as the privileged one tbh in that you can afford to leave and move on to better opportunities in different regions. Many of the poorest people in the nation live in MS and they could use our help rather than our condemnations.

darod 4y ago

This is all well and good if you actually like your parents. There are reasons people leave home and never come back. Not all relationships with them are going to be the loving fairy tales one sees on TV.

LVB 4y ago
Yeah I’m in this situation. Parents are couple hours away by plane and we might see them once a year if that, mainly so the kids have some knowledge of their grandparents. The visits tend to get ugly, quickly, so they have to be carefully choreographed and usually the other party staying in a hotel. (Generally this is due to my dad’s behavior, which often will have him screaming profanities towards me or our kids.) Even the occasional Zoom calls are usually just them sitting there, nodding along, answering our forced questions. No real engagement there. Fortunately we have my wife’s warm side of the family as a counterbalance.

8organicbits 4y ago

A better way to estimate life expectancy is to use an actuarial life table. SSA has a very simple one based only on age[1]. Those show an expected 18 years for someone 65 years old. It's interesting to see that life expectancy stays above one year until the age of 113. Of course these are just expected averages, they are useful at scale but individual experience will vary. 1. https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html

pjbk 4y ago

And Port had said: "Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don't know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It's that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don't know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." - The Sheltering Sky, Paul Bowles (1949).

hiidrew 4y ago

Tim Urban has a great post on this, helps you visualize the timing: https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/12/the-tail-end.html Anyway, this makes me a bit sad considering I've recently moved a 15 hour drive away from my parents. Happy that they have a guest room and for remote work though. It also makes me ponder the differences in western culture and other places. I know in some cultures family is much more integrated, e.g. the grandparents move-in instead of sending them to a home or something. I love my city life but I do sometimes imagine living in a compound with my close family. I think it would be tolerable if everyone had their own space but was close in proximity.

WirelessGigabit 4y ago

I won’t even get there. They’re in their late 60s. But I live on the other side of the globe. Time difference + cost of travel make it really hard. It’s sad, because I’ve come to realize the asshole I was to my parents and I cannot help them now to make up for it.