4 ms·

> anything to dispel that notion makes your value plummet The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet, that serves as a blank check for the partne

> anything to dispel that notion makes your value plummet The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet, that serves as a blank check for the partner to harm the relationship as a passive-aggressive feedback mechanism to discourage subsequent behavior like it, be that withdrawal, or avoidance, or picking fights over inconsequential things. Thus, men should constantly be striving for more value (read: status), or risk losing leverage with those they love. In a sense, projected status anxiety ensures that it is impossible for men to fully escape the evaluative sphere. Internalizing this will age your soul, and not in a good way.

npc54321 4y ago
paulcole 4y ago
> The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet A more disgusting thing to me is the idea that people see their partners (or believe their partners see them) as having “value” like they’re a breathing stock ticker symbol.
- mattgreenrocks 4y ago
  I say value to mean "status," but for either word, I fully agree. Something's profoundly wrong when people put so much importance on what is an externally mediated measure. I don't know what it points to other than a sort of spiritual void, but the status game is one you are statistically almost guaranteed to lose. It is the thing I hate most about my 30s and 40s: the utter seriousness with which status is regarded.
  - quesera 4y ago
    > It is the thing I hate most about my 30s and 40s: the utter seriousness with which status is regarded. There are some sad stories in these threads. I just want to add that not all partners are like this. But the ones we attract in certain parts of our lives are definitely prone to it! When our self-identity (or at least our time and energy) is wrapped up in material success, or job prestige or some other externality, we attract people who agree with us. It's a delicate edge, because most of us want to build, accomplish, achieve something that makes us proud of our efforts, and we dump a lot of that into "work" in our most-eligible years. So if we "succeed", or move toward success, we attract those that see us the same way we imagine that part of ourselves. And then the rest of life starts happening. I want to live in a van and see the national parks! I want to take the modest exit and move to the Caribbean. I want to get a dog and stop running in place in BigCity. I've saved enough and don't want to deal with issue X. Etc. This new status is not always met with the same enthusiasm as the climbing part of our journey. We created the fiction, so maybe it's not completely fair to be disappointed when our focus shifts and theirs does not. (I don't mean to suggest that I know anything about your life, I'm just riffing on your last sentence.)
    - CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago
      > I want to get a dog and stop running in place in BigCity. I can't recommend this enough!
- anonporridge 4y ago
  "What people call "love" it's just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it, break the cycle Morty, focus on science." The harsh reality of life is that all relationships are necessarily about value transference. If we're not stronger together than we are apart, then what the hell are we doing together. If you're sucking more value out of me than you're giving back, then you're a parasite and I'd be better off without you. If you're not doing the calculation of whether a relationship is and will continue to be mutually beneficial, you're almost certainly going to become a host for a parasite.
  - paulcole 4y ago
    Who is Morty?
    - steve_adams_86 4y ago
      TV show character (Rick and Morty)
    - heylook 4y ago
      From "Rick and Morty": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1s2NFOGyg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1s2NFOGyg
      - paulcole 4y ago
        Oh geez. Isn’t that the show where the fans threw tantrums at McDonalds to get a special nugget sauce? Probably not where I’d look for life advice.
        DangitBobby 4y ago
        Based on the behavior of the fans? That doesn't make much sense. In general it's not intended to offer advice, but there are some moments that invite thought, for sure.
RobRivera 4y ago
> mattgreenrocks 17 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [–] > anything to dispel that notion makes your value plummet The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet, that serves as a blank check for the partner to harm the relationship as a passive-aggressive feedback mechanism to discourage subsequent behavior like it, be that withdrawal, or avoidance, or picking fights over inconsequential things the devalue phase of an unhealthy narcissistic relationship is not representative of most healthy relationships. a healthy compassion based relationship would see a value plummet met with support. I hate that I speak from experience on the matter.
- mattgreenrocks 4y ago
  I'm sorry you speak from experience, but it does give insight and a small feeling of not-being-alone to read this. Thank you.

npc54321 4y ago

paulcole 4y ago

> The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet A more disgusting thing to me is the idea that people see their partners (or believe their partners see them) as having “value” like they’re a breathing stock ticker symbol.

mattgreenrocks 4y ago
I say value to mean "status," but for either word, I fully agree. Something's profoundly wrong when people put so much importance on what is an externally mediated measure. I don't know what it points to other than a sort of spiritual void, but the status game is one you are statistically almost guaranteed to lose. It is the thing I hate most about my 30s and 40s: the utter seriousness with which status is regarded.
- quesera 4y ago
  > It is the thing I hate most about my 30s and 40s: the utter seriousness with which status is regarded. There are some sad stories in these threads. I just want to add that not all partners are like this. But the ones we attract in certain parts of our lives are definitely prone to it! When our self-identity (or at least our time and energy) is wrapped up in material success, or job prestige or some other externality, we attract people who agree with us. It's a delicate edge, because most of us want to build, accomplish, achieve something that makes us proud of our efforts, and we dump a lot of that into "work" in our most-eligible years. So if we "succeed", or move toward success, we attract those that see us the same way we imagine that part of ourselves. And then the rest of life starts happening. I want to live in a van and see the national parks! I want to take the modest exit and move to the Caribbean. I want to get a dog and stop running in place in BigCity. I've saved enough and don't want to deal with issue X. Etc. This new status is not always met with the same enthusiasm as the climbing part of our journey. We created the fiction, so maybe it's not completely fair to be disappointed when our focus shifts and theirs does not. (I don't mean to suggest that I know anything about your life, I'm just riffing on your last sentence.)
  - CrazyPyroLinux 4y ago
    > I want to get a dog and stop running in place in BigCity. I can't recommend this enough!
anonporridge 4y ago
"What people call "love" it's just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it, break the cycle Morty, focus on science." The harsh reality of life is that all relationships are necessarily about value transference. If we're not stronger together than we are apart, then what the hell are we doing together. If you're sucking more value out of me than you're giving back, then you're a parasite and I'd be better off without you. If you're not doing the calculation of whether a relationship is and will continue to be mutually beneficial, you're almost certainly going to become a host for a parasite.
- paulcole 4y ago
  Who is Morty?
  - steve_adams_86 4y ago
    TV show character (Rick and Morty)
  - heylook 4y ago
    From "Rick and Morty": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1s2NFOGyg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m1s2NFOGyg
    - paulcole 4y ago
      Oh geez. Isn’t that the show where the fans threw tantrums at McDonalds to get a special nugget sauce? Probably not where I’d look for life advice.
      - DangitBobby 4y ago
        Based on the behavior of the fans? That doesn't make much sense. In general it's not intended to offer advice, but there are some moments that invite thought, for sure.

RobRivera 4y ago

> mattgreenrocks 17 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [–] > anything to dispel that notion makes your value plummet The disgusting thing is that if one's value does plummet, that serves as a blank check for the partner to harm the relationship as a passive-aggressive feedback mechanism to discourage subsequent behavior like it, be that withdrawal, or avoidance, or picking fights over inconsequential things the devalue phase of an unhealthy narcissistic relationship is not representative of most healthy relationships. a healthy compassion based relationship would see a value plummet met with support. I hate that I speak from experience on the matter.

mattgreenrocks 4y ago
I'm sorry you speak from experience, but it does give insight and a small feeling of not-being-alone to read this. Thank you.