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As all of my friends start to have kids, I'm noticing that they are basically completely different people. It's almost as if 90% of their brain is dedicated so

As all of my friends start to have kids, I'm noticing that they are basically completely different people. It's almost as if 90% of their brain is dedicated solely to making sure their children are safe and looked after. It's like - at any moment - they think their children could just spontaneously combust or something. And I'm not talking infants. These are like 3 & 4 year olds... As a non-parent, this is so bizarre. We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine. I'm not sure if this is what's always happened to people when they become parents or if it's something new. But the complete irrationality of their constant fears - something MUST have happened to their brains.

SamoyedFurFluff 4y ago
Honestly at 3 & 4 children will do the wildest stuff and I wouldn’t be surprised a parent has a head on a swivel for stupid kid nonsense at that point, by 4 you have a bachelors degree in “my child will handle/eat animal shit for no reason”. Children at that age are not capable of rational thinking, emotional regulation, and have no real sense of danger or stakes.
- Waterluvian 4y ago
  One of my favourite moments of fatherhood was at a playground this summer. Someone’s kid was doing something precarious on the monkey bars as I sat quietly with other dads minding our own business. The girl began to wobble and myself and two other dads, without coordination or communication all instinctively began to lunge towards her (maybe 15 feet away). We barely got two steps before we harnessed ourselves, noticed what happened and had a laugh. Then went back to being hermits. I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.
  - mehphp 4y ago
    > I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other. I mean, we kind of are, right?
  - notch656a 4y ago
    You're a braver man than me. I never ever touch children I don't know (as a man), doesn't matter how compelling the reason. I assume no matter how good my intentions I will be sued / police called / crucified. Doubly so if it is a child of the opposite sex.
- angstrom 4y ago
  I climbed 40ft up the outside of a silo without a ladder. Kids do the dumbest shit.
- shawnb576 4y ago
  This is 1000% true and this thread really underscores now non parents simply cannot fathom parent behavior. I couldn’t, I had these same ignorant ideas based on my fleeting, non-accountable contact with small kids. Now let me tell you about the time my 10 month old, in the blink of an eye, managed to get a handful of her own poo into her mouth. The struggle is real.
germinalphrase 4y ago
“We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine” Plenty of us didn’t.
artificialLimbs 4y ago
I have 'daydream'ish visions maybe weekly to monthly about my children (particularly the 4yo, less so the 1yo) being horrifically killed in various manners. Sometimes while I'm not even anywhere near them, but more often when they're in proximity. It's (mostly) completely irrational. Maybe the brain sees them doing so much dumb shit that you can't help but imagine the possibilities. Never happened with other family/friends before.
sharkweek 4y ago
I’ve got two ankle biters right now and I feel: 1) a little bit dumber than I used to be 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep 3) a lot less self serving than I used to be 4) a lot more anxious than I used to be (which was already pretty high). I definitely visualize the “worst case scenario” in every situation I’m in 5) (stealth edit in) a lot less career motivated than I used to be. I predict this returns when the kids are older but maybe not All that to say: yes, my brain has definitely rewired itself. Also I used to think parents whose kids were throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store were doing a bad job but now I get it.
- barbazoo 4y ago
  Lots of wisdom in here, thanks for sharing.
- dspillett 4y ago
  > 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep I suspect any drop in cognitive ability is largely a symptom of this, not a permanent rewiring. Many non-parents experience memory, concentration, computation, and anxiety problems, when operating under the pressure of low (or low quality) sleep.
  - tylerc230 4y ago
    There’s a lot of multitasking with kids which I don’t think is healthy for the mind. Also I never have quiet moments to reflect which is when I make connections, mentally piece things together etc.
    - Auracle 4y ago
      All hail the magical porcelain throne.
    - dspillett 4y ago
      Is this where you tell me "bit it is worth it really" and I politely ask "really?" in a tone that suggests I'm never likely to believe that?!
Waterluvian 4y ago
Love happened. And maybe that’s a purely physical thing like brain shrinkage or whatever. I’ve loved before. But once my first came things were very different. It was a new kind of love. I suddenly had such a clear mission in life: protect and nurture this baby. I definitely changed.
drekipus 4y ago
As a new parent I would say that it's new. With the amount of stuff marketed to parents, constant social media, and people enjoying the spotlight/karma when they exaggerate a story, impossible to not have a concern. "This pram needs to have suspension system. What if you got a pot hole too hard and the baby bounces out and hits the ground causing brain damage? Happened to a cousin." I see this and push back on my wife almost every day (I don't have social media, so I'm blissfully unaware of what dangers lurk)
clutchdude 4y ago
You would not believe what a 3 yo can do in the span of minutes, especially when they decide to try and do something they previously could not do. There is a constant on-edge aspect where you find out in the span of a minute they can: - open or climb over a gate to the stairs - reach on the counter to grab a glass jar - open a door by grasping the door knob > we all ended up just fine. It's probably once bitten, twice shy - every parent screws up and then remembers that one accident.
ekianjo 4y ago
3 years old can still put themselves in danger faster than you think.
iambateman 4y ago
As the parent of a three year old…I promise it’s more rational than you think. Children that age have the _potential_ to do a lot of damage and no _foresight_ whatsoever. They literally cannot see the potential consequences of running into the street. It’s fine to not understand, but please think twice about calling something you don’t understand “irrational.”
makeitdouble 4y ago
Father here. Yes, it was the biggest change in my whole life. I could switch career and become a plumber it wouldn't be as radical. If you don't believe in letting natural selection sort if you child will get past 2 yo, you 'll either recenter your whole environment and routines around the kid, or spend 90% or your time make sure they don't stab themselves with your antique knives collection or soldering iron. Fo that for a few years and you won't be switching back to what you were before just because your kid can now read your phone password from your finger movements from across the room. I think the same thing happens when you're looking after your elderly parents. PS: > We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine. I talked to my parents a while after my kids were out of the "let's gob anything that can fit in my face hole", and I also basically robbed a few years of their life where they basically frozr their career and couldn't do much outside of making sure we're not dying. Some parents forget how hard it was though (and it's normal. Your brain is really in a bad state all that time)
lr4444lr 4y ago
You didn't know your parents before they became parents, and as a child, did not have the EQ anyway to read their personas. Also, a mobile and curious 3 or 4 year old is a LOT more stressful than age 0-1.
dereg 4y ago
You'll get it when you have kids.
cjohnson318 4y ago
Preparing every meal for your kids, getting them to and from daycare, negotiating over every single thing you ask them to do, doing dishes, doing laundry, fixing drywall, etc. it's a lot of work. You can't just roll out of bed, get to work, work all day, then come home and work or unwind or whatever like you used to; you're "on" all the time, for years, and you squeeze some work in when you can so that you don't have to eat cat food when you're older.
uup 4y ago
Lots of people have already given you plenty of opinions, but I’ll add one more: I love thinking about my child. Making her life amazing and safe makes me feel good.
gsatic 4y ago
It's not just the brain. Level of hormones change too in both mom and dad. Sort of a second puberty.
lahvak 4y ago
I must say that none of my kids ever managed to spontaneously combust, but it wasn't from lack of trying.

SamoyedFurFluff 4y ago

Honestly at 3 & 4 children will do the wildest stuff and I wouldn’t be surprised a parent has a head on a swivel for stupid kid nonsense at that point, by 4 you have a bachelors degree in “my child will handle/eat animal shit for no reason”. Children at that age are not capable of rational thinking, emotional regulation, and have no real sense of danger or stakes.

Waterluvian 4y ago
One of my favourite moments of fatherhood was at a playground this summer. Someone’s kid was doing something precarious on the monkey bars as I sat quietly with other dads minding our own business. The girl began to wobble and myself and two other dads, without coordination or communication all instinctively began to lunge towards her (maybe 15 feet away). We barely got two steps before we harnessed ourselves, noticed what happened and had a laugh. Then went back to being hermits. I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other.
- mehphp 4y ago
  > I really felt like I was part of this ancient order. We didn’t know each other and yet we all understood each other. I mean, we kind of are, right?
- notch656a 4y ago
  You're a braver man than me. I never ever touch children I don't know (as a man), doesn't matter how compelling the reason. I assume no matter how good my intentions I will be sued / police called / crucified. Doubly so if it is a child of the opposite sex.
angstrom 4y ago
I climbed 40ft up the outside of a silo without a ladder. Kids do the dumbest shit.
shawnb576 4y ago
This is 1000% true and this thread really underscores now non parents simply cannot fathom parent behavior. I couldn’t, I had these same ignorant ideas based on my fleeting, non-accountable contact with small kids. Now let me tell you about the time my 10 month old, in the blink of an eye, managed to get a handful of her own poo into her mouth. The struggle is real.

germinalphrase 4y ago

“We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine” Plenty of us didn’t.

artificialLimbs 4y ago

I have 'daydream'ish visions maybe weekly to monthly about my children (particularly the 4yo, less so the 1yo) being horrifically killed in various manners. Sometimes while I'm not even anywhere near them, but more often when they're in proximity. It's (mostly) completely irrational. Maybe the brain sees them doing so much dumb shit that you can't help but imagine the possibilities. Never happened with other family/friends before.

sharkweek 4y ago

I’ve got two ankle biters right now and I feel: 1) a little bit dumber than I used to be 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep 3) a lot less self serving than I used to be 4) a lot more anxious than I used to be (which was already pretty high). I definitely visualize the “worst case scenario” in every situation I’m in 5) (stealth edit in) a lot less career motivated than I used to be. I predict this returns when the kids are older but maybe not All that to say: yes, my brain has definitely rewired itself. Also I used to think parents whose kids were throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store were doing a bad job but now I get it.

barbazoo 4y ago
Lots of wisdom in here, thanks for sharing.
dspillett 4y ago
> 2) a lot more tired than I used to be, even after a rare full night sleep I suspect any drop in cognitive ability is largely a symptom of this, not a permanent rewiring. Many non-parents experience memory, concentration, computation, and anxiety problems, when operating under the pressure of low (or low quality) sleep.
- tylerc230 4y ago
  There’s a lot of multitasking with kids which I don’t think is healthy for the mind. Also I never have quiet moments to reflect which is when I make connections, mentally piece things together etc.
  - Auracle 4y ago
    All hail the magical porcelain throne.
  - dspillett 4y ago
    Is this where you tell me "bit it is worth it really" and I politely ask "really?" in a tone that suggests I'm never likely to believe that?!

Waterluvian 4y ago

Love happened. And maybe that’s a purely physical thing like brain shrinkage or whatever. I’ve loved before. But once my first came things were very different. It was a new kind of love. I suddenly had such a clear mission in life: protect and nurture this baby. I definitely changed.

drekipus 4y ago

As a new parent I would say that it's new. With the amount of stuff marketed to parents, constant social media, and people enjoying the spotlight/karma when they exaggerate a story, impossible to not have a concern. "This pram needs to have suspension system. What if you got a pot hole too hard and the baby bounces out and hits the ground causing brain damage? Happened to a cousin." I see this and push back on my wife almost every day (I don't have social media, so I'm blissfully unaware of what dangers lurk)

clutchdude 4y ago

You would not believe what a 3 yo can do in the span of minutes, especially when they decide to try and do something they previously could not do. There is a constant on-edge aspect where you find out in the span of a minute they can: - open or climb over a gate to the stairs - reach on the counter to grab a glass jar - open a door by grasping the door knob > we all ended up just fine. It's probably once bitten, twice shy - every parent screws up and then remembers that one accident.

ekianjo 4y ago

3 years old can still put themselves in danger faster than you think.

iambateman 4y ago

As the parent of a three year old…I promise it’s more rational than you think. Children that age have the _potential_ to do a lot of damage and no _foresight_ whatsoever. They literally cannot see the potential consequences of running into the street. It’s fine to not understand, but please think twice about calling something you don’t understand “irrational.”

makeitdouble 4y ago

Father here. Yes, it was the biggest change in my whole life. I could switch career and become a plumber it wouldn't be as radical. If you don't believe in letting natural selection sort if you child will get past 2 yo, you 'll either recenter your whole environment and routines around the kid, or spend 90% or your time make sure they don't stab themselves with your antique knives collection or soldering iron. Fo that for a few years and you won't be switching back to what you were before just because your kid can now read your phone password from your finger movements from across the room. I think the same thing happens when you're looking after your elderly parents. PS: > We all grew up with parents that weren't perfect, and we all ended up just fine. I talked to my parents a while after my kids were out of the "let's gob anything that can fit in my face hole", and I also basically robbed a few years of their life where they basically frozr their career and couldn't do much outside of making sure we're not dying. Some parents forget how hard it was though (and it's normal. Your brain is really in a bad state all that time)

lr4444lr 4y ago

You didn't know your parents before they became parents, and as a child, did not have the EQ anyway to read their personas. Also, a mobile and curious 3 or 4 year old is a LOT more stressful than age 0-1.

dereg 4y ago

You'll get it when you have kids.

cjohnson318 4y ago

Preparing every meal for your kids, getting them to and from daycare, negotiating over every single thing you ask them to do, doing dishes, doing laundry, fixing drywall, etc. it's a lot of work. You can't just roll out of bed, get to work, work all day, then come home and work or unwind or whatever like you used to; you're "on" all the time, for years, and you squeeze some work in when you can so that you don't have to eat cat food when you're older.

uup 4y ago

Lots of people have already given you plenty of opinions, but I’ll add one more: I love thinking about my child. Making her life amazing and safe makes me feel good.

gsatic 4y ago

It's not just the brain. Level of hormones change too in both mom and dad. Sort of a second puberty.

lahvak 4y ago

I must say that none of my kids ever managed to spontaneously combust, but it wasn't from lack of trying.