5 ms·

Very timely. I've been taking a month long break from HN, after realizing that I had been neglecting my mental health. I feel like I'm in a better spot, but on

Very timely. I've been taking a month long break from HN, after realizing that I had been neglecting my mental health. I feel like I'm in a better spot, but one thing I've learned consistently is that this is a universal, human issue. Very few people are lucky enough to go through life without what some would call mental illness. We're also woefully underprepared to deal with these realities. You don't take a mental health class in high school, or college. At what point is someone supposed to train you to take care of yourself? Well, your parents, of course. But they usually have their own issues. One thing that helped me was to get into therapy. BetterHelp is $320/mo, which is frankly a massive cost. But it was good to be in therapy on a weekly basis, and to explain all of the things that I felt were going on. "Safe space" has been used pejoratively, and it's hard to say it without wincing. But if a safe space is important at all, therapy is the exact place that needs to be safe. And having a spot where you can simply vent to someone for 45 minutes straight was... quite therapeutic. One advantage you have as a programmer, if you are one, is that you probably have more money than average. So if you're going through similar struggles, I encourage you to throw $320 at the problem and see what happens. It's not a cure-all, but nothing is.

germinalphrase 4y ago
One disadvantage of BetterHelp compared to a traditional clinic is that BetterHelp therapists often have a much higher client load than is typical elsewhere. This is not necessarily bad, but may be worth knowing.
- roflc0ptic 4y ago
  Dated a therapist who was adamant she could only see 15-20 people a week and still give quality care; built her schedule around making sure she had adequate breaks because it felt irresponsible to her, otherwise. Anything past that it was a plaster-on empathetic smile and “that sounds hard, tell me more.”
  - sillysaurusx 4y ago
    My therapist is also married to a therapist, and although this isn't quite relevant, it was really cute hearing that they "therapy each other to death" when they have marital problems. For what it's worth, my therapist felt pretty genuine. One thing that helped is to actually ask about his day, and how he's been. I think he was surprised I cared. Another thing that helps is that BetterHelp makes it effortless to try out someone new. Maybe we've been lucky, but me and two other people haven't needed this feature; we all stuck with the first one we matched with. But it's there if you need it.
    - roflc0ptic 4y ago
      Yeah dating novice therapists is bad because they are still trying on the tools and they’ve got a neophytes zeal, dating experienced therapists is bad because they’ve integrated the tools so much that it’s hard recognize when they’re pulling them out. Being wrong and very skillful at pushing your viewpoint can feel pretty isomorphic to gaslighting in the right circumstances.
      - roflc0ptic 4y ago
        Tho upside is they sometimes have good self knowledge and insight into other people. Naturally YMMV on all points
  - bitL 4y ago
    What if you destroy your therapist by asking unsolvable but grave questions you entertain? Are there any meta-therapists for therapists?
    - zwkrt 4y ago
      There are, but the idea that a therapist will be destroyed by your super duper nihilistic puzzle questions is not very realistic. The position of "client thinks their problems are so big and so unique that I won't be able to understand them" is one that is studied by mental health professionals and is actually pretty easy to deal with (although hard to resolve). Therapists get burnt out by listening helplessly to people with real problems in their life like abuse and addiction and poverty. Being able to navel gaze about the meaninglessness of the universe means you're in a pretty cushy spot.
- hexadecima 4y ago
  I would have to agree with this. When using services like BetterHelp, it has always felt super transactional. Like a drive-thru experience, but therapy. If you're going to be spending out of pocket for anything, at least try getting help through in-network therapists. There are so many fantastic mental health practitioners who are amazing that do not subscribe themselves to online platforms like BetterHelp. What's better? By spending less out of your pocket, you can see them on a more frequent basis.
  - germinalphrase 4y ago
    I'll add one more thing: prior to the pandemic, it was often hard to get insurance to cover telehealth therapy. Now, it is common practice. Many therapists working in clinics or private practice do a hybrid model allowing clients to visit in-person or via Zoom/etc. The cost of therapy is covered by an increasing number of insurance plans, so it's worth doing a few minutes of research/phone calling before paying out of pocket.
BlargMcLarg 4y ago
Yet therapists can only provide coping mechanisms or listen to one's complaints if the root cause is out of reach. Many times, those aren't enough. And personally, I have beef with the continuing commodification of what communities used to offer. Nothing against therapists (a man's gotta eat), but making transactions the first line of defense sits wrong with me.
- sillysaurusx 4y ago
  For what it's worth, I agree with you. The trouble seems to be that society doesn't really have a better alternative at this point. Discord has become the institution of our generation, at least for teens and 20-somethings. In past generations, it was church. Church has been on my mind a lot. Religion is a tricky topic to bring up publicly, but regardless of how you feel about it, it's true that having a shared community context every Sunday is something that's hard to find a replacement for. After all, priests were the OG therapists. And after each session you felt like you made some progress, or at least that you got your sins off your back for a bit. Regardless, religion of old is more or less gone, and it's not coming back. If there's an alternative, I imagine it might become pretty popular. But the digital age is moving us further apart; http://www.paulgraham.com/re.html http://www.paulgraham.com/re.html seems even more prescient after covid moved us away from offices too.
  - BlargMcLarg 4y ago
    I don't believe the digital age necessarily requires us to turn support into a commodity, though. Beyond religion, we are much more individualist and busy mentally and emotionally. If it isn't one's immediate network being unavailable, odds are they themselves are. Neither of which is inherent to becoming more digital alone. Like, do people even notice the advice we were given the last 2-3 decades? Of course we're more lonely collectively, it was practically a self-fulfilling prophecy.
  - mattcaldwell 4y ago
    What about climbing gyms, run clubs, book clubs, gardening clubs, bars/trivia, etc? If you're near a city, almost any of these will be an option. And if you're not, a high percentage of those people are probably still going to church. It seems there are still a lot of opportunities out there for regular communion with others.

germinalphrase 4y ago

One disadvantage of BetterHelp compared to a traditional clinic is that BetterHelp therapists often have a much higher client load than is typical elsewhere. This is not necessarily bad, but may be worth knowing.

roflc0ptic 4y ago
Dated a therapist who was adamant she could only see 15-20 people a week and still give quality care; built her schedule around making sure she had adequate breaks because it felt irresponsible to her, otherwise. Anything past that it was a plaster-on empathetic smile and “that sounds hard, tell me more.”
- sillysaurusx 4y ago
  My therapist is also married to a therapist, and although this isn't quite relevant, it was really cute hearing that they "therapy each other to death" when they have marital problems. For what it's worth, my therapist felt pretty genuine. One thing that helped is to actually ask about his day, and how he's been. I think he was surprised I cared. Another thing that helps is that BetterHelp makes it effortless to try out someone new. Maybe we've been lucky, but me and two other people haven't needed this feature; we all stuck with the first one we matched with. But it's there if you need it.
  - roflc0ptic 4y ago
    Yeah dating novice therapists is bad because they are still trying on the tools and they’ve got a neophytes zeal, dating experienced therapists is bad because they’ve integrated the tools so much that it’s hard recognize when they’re pulling them out. Being wrong and very skillful at pushing your viewpoint can feel pretty isomorphic to gaslighting in the right circumstances.
    - roflc0ptic 4y ago
      Tho upside is they sometimes have good self knowledge and insight into other people. Naturally YMMV on all points
- bitL 4y ago
  What if you destroy your therapist by asking unsolvable but grave questions you entertain? Are there any meta-therapists for therapists?
  - zwkrt 4y ago
    There are, but the idea that a therapist will be destroyed by your super duper nihilistic puzzle questions is not very realistic. The position of "client thinks their problems are so big and so unique that I won't be able to understand them" is one that is studied by mental health professionals and is actually pretty easy to deal with (although hard to resolve). Therapists get burnt out by listening helplessly to people with real problems in their life like abuse and addiction and poverty. Being able to navel gaze about the meaninglessness of the universe means you're in a pretty cushy spot.
hexadecima 4y ago
I would have to agree with this. When using services like BetterHelp, it has always felt super transactional. Like a drive-thru experience, but therapy. If you're going to be spending out of pocket for anything, at least try getting help through in-network therapists. There are so many fantastic mental health practitioners who are amazing that do not subscribe themselves to online platforms like BetterHelp. What's better? By spending less out of your pocket, you can see them on a more frequent basis.
- germinalphrase 4y ago
  I'll add one more thing: prior to the pandemic, it was often hard to get insurance to cover telehealth therapy. Now, it is common practice. Many therapists working in clinics or private practice do a hybrid model allowing clients to visit in-person or via Zoom/etc. The cost of therapy is covered by an increasing number of insurance plans, so it's worth doing a few minutes of research/phone calling before paying out of pocket.

BlargMcLarg 4y ago

Yet therapists can only provide coping mechanisms or listen to one's complaints if the root cause is out of reach. Many times, those aren't enough. And personally, I have beef with the continuing commodification of what communities used to offer. Nothing against therapists (a man's gotta eat), but making transactions the first line of defense sits wrong with me.

sillysaurusx 4y ago
For what it's worth, I agree with you. The trouble seems to be that society doesn't really have a better alternative at this point. Discord has become the institution of our generation, at least for teens and 20-somethings. In past generations, it was church. Church has been on my mind a lot. Religion is a tricky topic to bring up publicly, but regardless of how you feel about it, it's true that having a shared community context every Sunday is something that's hard to find a replacement for. After all, priests were the OG therapists. And after each session you felt like you made some progress, or at least that you got your sins off your back for a bit. Regardless, religion of old is more or less gone, and it's not coming back. If there's an alternative, I imagine it might become pretty popular. But the digital age is moving us further apart; http://www.paulgraham.com/re.html http://www.paulgraham.com/re.html seems even more prescient after covid moved us away from offices too.
- BlargMcLarg 4y ago
  I don't believe the digital age necessarily requires us to turn support into a commodity, though. Beyond religion, we are much more individualist and busy mentally and emotionally. If it isn't one's immediate network being unavailable, odds are they themselves are. Neither of which is inherent to becoming more digital alone. Like, do people even notice the advice we were given the last 2-3 decades? Of course we're more lonely collectively, it was practically a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- mattcaldwell 4y ago
  What about climbing gyms, run clubs, book clubs, gardening clubs, bars/trivia, etc? If you're near a city, almost any of these will be an option. And if you're not, a high percentage of those people are probably still going to church. It seems there are still a lot of opportunities out there for regular communion with others.