6 ms·

The SF social playbook. Good lord it's exhausting dealing with these people all the time. How to make friends, the real version: 1. You're only going to have

by s17n 4y ago

The SF social playbook. Good lord it's exhausting dealing with these people all the time. How to make friends, the real version: 1. You're only going to have a handful of true friends 2. Everybody else is basically in the same tier, regardless of how "meaningful" the topics you discuss in your awkward social interactions are 3. What you're really after is a solid and varied set of acquaintances 4. These relationships are transactional at heart, even if its highly obfuscated

cobertos 4y ago
That sounds like a way to guarantee your relationships are transactional? And sounds a bit pessimistic of the value in other humans? The article resonated with me quite a bit, and reading your comment made me reread the article deeper to better respond. To your points: 1) the article kind of says this. Their "T1" friends are very small. 2) are they? I have people I really connect with on computers, tech, etc and others I am friendly with and we can hang but past that there's just nothing except two civil friendly ppl hanging out. This is aside from the people I'm _really_ close with. 3 & 4) why would anyone want a variety of acquaintances, that's just aiming for everyone in your life being transactional? I loathe this idea, to just be surrounded by people who have varied interests but so much emotional distance as to not be there. I have had fun in groups like that, but if that was _all_ my social relationships I would feel terrible.
silisili 4y ago
Agreed whole heartedly. As a test, change your birthday in Facebook to tomorrow. See what happens. Hint: all your 'friends' will wish you happy birthday. Not that that's some benchmark, but anyone who really knows you well will think 'wait, isnt your birthday in June?' Anyways, I'm a decently outgoing dude who has lived all over the US and met tons of people. I think less than 10 would even know if I died tomorrow, and probably 3 would care enough to attend a funeral. At least, that's how many call or text once or so a year just to ask how things are going, not wanting anything in return at all. Rare. Excluding family, current coworkers and such.
- BlackLotus89 4y ago
  Sort of true, but not really. I don't remember any birthday of anyone, I'm not a birthday wisher and I hope nobody congratulates me to my birthday. I try to remember family, but sometimes forget it. Nearly forgot my anniversary as well. I'm not a fan of celebrating dates which I feel is a bit forced. If you really care about someone they will know it without you having to remember their birthday or some other irrelevant date. I show my affection through actions not gestures.
  - silisili 4y ago
    I generally agree, as I'm also a 'forgetter' especially with dates. But I guess to say, I remember the general idea of when someone's birthday is if I've known them long enough. Usually the month, or at least the season. Maybe that's not the norm, though.
- thunky 4y ago
  > lived all over the US This is a big factor. It's not easy to maintain a long distance friendship.
strken 4y ago
This is cheapening and commodifying a lot of perfectly good friendships. If you hang out with people and the primary reason is that you enjoy each other's company, then you're friends. Dividing the world into "true" "deep" "real" friends implies that the guy you get dinner with once every few months is somehow false, when he's still a real friend, just a slightly more distant one. The SF social playbook is exhausting because some of the people literally are false, and hanging out with you primarily for financial gain but pretending they're not. Some are also acquaintances who're just there because of work, but openly acknowledge it. Those don't invalidate real but distant friendships.
- kenhwang 4y ago
  Foulweather friends, fairweather friends, and acquaintances; and it's often not reciprocated. Foulweather friends are what people usually refer to as "real" friends. These are the ones that can be depended upon to act like a friend regardless of what's going on. This is more a guide for fairweather friends. Difference between a fairweather friend and an acquaintance really just comes down to how much you enjoy their company. Yes, there's still plenty of value offered by someone who's only a fairweather friend. But what stresses and ruins friendships are fairweather friends that pretend to be foulweather friends. Or a mismatch in expectations/understanding. I do think it's healthy to understand your relationships and friendships, it doesn't make one type of friendship more "real" than another, but it does help prioritize where you should probably spend emotional/social resources.
  - strken 4y ago
    I've always used "fairweather friend" to describe someone who shirks their responsibilities during tough times. What I'm describing is someone who's not expected to make huge sacrifices for you in the first place: either they're a new friend you're still getting to know, they're an old one you're no longer as close with, or there are other circumstances. I think "distant friend" is a better term for that because it acknowledges the continuum of friendship isn't a binary value. Some are closer, some are further. People move back and forward along it as you and they age and change.

by s17n 4y ago

cobertos 4y ago

That sounds like a way to guarantee your relationships are transactional? And sounds a bit pessimistic of the value in other humans? The article resonated with me quite a bit, and reading your comment made me reread the article deeper to better respond. To your points: 1) the article kind of says this. Their "T1" friends are very small. 2) are they? I have people I really connect with on computers, tech, etc and others I am friendly with and we can hang but past that there's just nothing except two civil friendly ppl hanging out. This is aside from the people I'm _really_ close with. 3 & 4) why would anyone want a variety of acquaintances, that's just aiming for everyone in your life being transactional? I loathe this idea, to just be surrounded by people who have varied interests but so much emotional distance as to not be there. I have had fun in groups like that, but if that was _all_ my social relationships I would feel terrible.

silisili 4y ago

Agreed whole heartedly. As a test, change your birthday in Facebook to tomorrow. See what happens. Hint: all your 'friends' will wish you happy birthday. Not that that's some benchmark, but anyone who really knows you well will think 'wait, isnt your birthday in June?' Anyways, I'm a decently outgoing dude who has lived all over the US and met tons of people. I think less than 10 would even know if I died tomorrow, and probably 3 would care enough to attend a funeral. At least, that's how many call or text once or so a year just to ask how things are going, not wanting anything in return at all. Rare. Excluding family, current coworkers and such.

BlackLotus89 4y ago
Sort of true, but not really. I don't remember any birthday of anyone, I'm not a birthday wisher and I hope nobody congratulates me to my birthday. I try to remember family, but sometimes forget it. Nearly forgot my anniversary as well. I'm not a fan of celebrating dates which I feel is a bit forced. If you really care about someone they will know it without you having to remember their birthday or some other irrelevant date. I show my affection through actions not gestures.
- silisili 4y ago
  I generally agree, as I'm also a 'forgetter' especially with dates. But I guess to say, I remember the general idea of when someone's birthday is if I've known them long enough. Usually the month, or at least the season. Maybe that's not the norm, though.
thunky 4y ago
> lived all over the US This is a big factor. It's not easy to maintain a long distance friendship.

strken 4y ago

This is cheapening and commodifying a lot of perfectly good friendships. If you hang out with people and the primary reason is that you enjoy each other's company, then you're friends. Dividing the world into "true" "deep" "real" friends implies that the guy you get dinner with once every few months is somehow false, when he's still a real friend, just a slightly more distant one. The SF social playbook is exhausting because some of the people literally are false, and hanging out with you primarily for financial gain but pretending they're not. Some are also acquaintances who're just there because of work, but openly acknowledge it. Those don't invalidate real but distant friendships.

kenhwang 4y ago
Foulweather friends, fairweather friends, and acquaintances; and it's often not reciprocated. Foulweather friends are what people usually refer to as "real" friends. These are the ones that can be depended upon to act like a friend regardless of what's going on. This is more a guide for fairweather friends. Difference between a fairweather friend and an acquaintance really just comes down to how much you enjoy their company. Yes, there's still plenty of value offered by someone who's only a fairweather friend. But what stresses and ruins friendships are fairweather friends that pretend to be foulweather friends. Or a mismatch in expectations/understanding. I do think it's healthy to understand your relationships and friendships, it doesn't make one type of friendship more "real" than another, but it does help prioritize where you should probably spend emotional/social resources.
- strken 4y ago
  I've always used "fairweather friend" to describe someone who shirks their responsibilities during tough times. What I'm describing is someone who's not expected to make huge sacrifices for you in the first place: either they're a new friend you're still getting to know, they're an old one you're no longer as close with, or there are other circumstances. I think "distant friend" is a better term for that because it acknowledges the continuum of friendship isn't a binary value. Some are closer, some are further. People move back and forward along it as you and they age and change.