10 ms·

An opinionated guide to making friends

113 points by aadillpickle 4y ago

ploprof 4y ago
braingenious 4y ago
This kind of reads more as a guide to make professional acquaintances by talking to people on twitter. I find the graph of “most people’s friends vs my friends” wherein the author proudly implies that his social situation is optimized due to his discovery of life hacks like “talk to people at night” and “play video games with people.” to be kind of silly.
- karaterobot 4y ago
  > This kind of reads more as a guide to make professional acquaintances by talking to people on twitter. Agree with this. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's not the same thing as friendship.
  - rocket_surgeron 4y ago
    Anyone who won't drop everything to go to your house at 11pm after you've been taken to the hospital to make sure everything is turned off and locked up because you fell and broke your back during a power outage caused by a hurricane Isaias in 2020 and the power was out when you left and the paramedics couldn't find my keys to lock my door isn't a friend. I have two friends and that's all I need. Everyone else is an acquaintance. Maybe my standards are too high but that's all I need.
    - braingenious 4y ago
      I would probably drop what I’m doing to help an acquaintance in those circumstances. For me, “bring me a pack of cigarettes at 5am because I’m broke and just went through a breakup” would be a high-water mark for “close friends” It’s neat how everyone experiences friendship differently!
s17n 4y ago
The SF social playbook. Good lord it's exhausting dealing with these people all the time. How to make friends, the real version: 1. You're only going to have a handful of true friends 2. Everybody else is basically in the same tier, regardless of how "meaningful" the topics you discuss in your awkward social interactions are 3. What you're really after is a solid and varied set of acquaintances 4. These relationships are transactional at heart, even if its highly obfuscated
- cobertos 4y ago
  That sounds like a way to guarantee your relationships are transactional? And sounds a bit pessimistic of the value in other humans? The article resonated with me quite a bit, and reading your comment made me reread the article deeper to better respond. To your points: 1) the article kind of says this. Their "T1" friends are very small. 2) are they? I have people I really connect with on computers, tech, etc and others I am friendly with and we can hang but past that there's just nothing except two civil friendly ppl hanging out. This is aside from the people I'm _really_ close with. 3 & 4) why would anyone want a variety of acquaintances, that's just aiming for everyone in your life being transactional? I loathe this idea, to just be surrounded by people who have varied interests but so much emotional distance as to not be there. I have had fun in groups like that, but if that was _all_ my social relationships I would feel terrible.
- silisili 4y ago
  Agreed whole heartedly. As a test, change your birthday in Facebook to tomorrow. See what happens. Hint: all your 'friends' will wish you happy birthday. Not that that's some benchmark, but anyone who really knows you well will think 'wait, isnt your birthday in June?' Anyways, I'm a decently outgoing dude who has lived all over the US and met tons of people. I think less than 10 would even know if I died tomorrow, and probably 3 would care enough to attend a funeral. At least, that's how many call or text once or so a year just to ask how things are going, not wanting anything in return at all. Rare. Excluding family, current coworkers and such.
  - BlackLotus89 4y ago
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
freetime2 4y ago
Recently I've had to make some new friends for the first time in many years, and what I've learned is that the most important thing is just showing up. Find people with a shared interest, and keep showing up regularly to participate in that shared interest - at least once a week is a good frequency to aim for if possible. You don't have to be particularly outgoing or charming, but you should at least be polite and respectful. By getting together regularly with the same people, you will build familiarity, which can develop into friendship. Maybe not as strong a relationship as the best friend you had when you were younger, but so much better than being lonely.
- satori99 4y ago
  > what I've learned is that the most important thing is just showing up This is undoubtedly true in my experience. If the shared interest is goal orientated, like a team sport competition, or rehearsing toward a performance with an amateur theater group, then friendships are more likely to develop than not. Also, if you are open to letting other people teach you stuff. ie: New skills, facts, or viewpoints -- they will tend to hold a favourable opinion of you, and it makes the whole process a breeze.
- 972811 4y ago
  It's true 1. Find a couple of group events that you are interested in 2. Show up relentlessly, go in with no expectations 3. Gather contact details and KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE 4. Eventually, find a way to add value to the group
- nicbou 4y ago
  This is true, although if you are shy, the group might grow closer sort of without you. In some groups, one person sometimes remains a stranger. If you are not comfortable with groups, an alternative is to reach out to people you think are interesting and meet them one on one.
- andrewflnr 4y ago
  I tend to agree, but do note that this takes a long time.
- 4y ago
prottog 4y ago
The post should be amended to reflect the full title: "An extremely opinionated guide on making friends for people who are exactly like me"
mikrl 4y ago
I helped a lady in the park while her friend was having a medical emergency and she gave me some crafts to say thanks. Mostly just being nice, I bought some more of her stuff ($20 here or there) and spent some time chatting. Thinking of bumping her to coffee acquaintance bc I think she feels obligated to bring her wares when I agree to meet up. I’m way more educated, have a better job, 10y younger, more worldly and more successful. She’s never going to be anything more than a platonic person I know in my small town. Many of you would assume she’s ‘sketchy’ and I’d put money on that assertion. However it’s nice to chat with someone unlike me. I’m always frustrated with sprint stuff, broken systems, and the crap you deal with on cutting edge of AI. She likes crafting, turtles and her grown kids. I offer her encouragement in her small business and give her ideas to improve it. Probably the most wholesome acquaintance I’ve had in years.
- dzink 4y ago
  You’re still thinking of the relationship in transitional terms and looking down on her (re-read above). That said, good for you for branching out! Men often tend to think of relationships as transactional - attaching to someone with higher status to raise your own, or receiving something of value in return. Women may also appreciate some transactional relationships but more importantly tend to build supportive networks (where a value is just being heard when you need to vent or struggle with a problem, and when you proactively help others, regardless of stature, so you and others don’t fall through the cracks, especially the kids.) Men often rely on their spouse or other women for that kind of a relationship (being able to vent and feel vulnerable).
  - 972811 4y ago
    All relationships are transactional, whether it is explicit or implicit. Your comments are just describing different types of transactions. Your gender splits here are not helpful. The main split that I see over and over again is that men are much less likely to accept you into their group, but much less likely to reject you once you're in (they are tribal). Women are fast to make acquaintances and have larger (mostly healthier) social circles, but are less loosely tied to groups.
  - 4y ago
nicbou 4y ago
One thing that's rarely mentioned is that desperation is a stinky cologne. For some reason, the less I care about the outcome of an interaction, the better it goes. A relaxed, genuine person is more pleasant than a bland people pleaser. It's easier to be casual if you have lots of friends already, so it's hard to start anew in a different city. Another: not everyone is comfortable in a group of strangers. If they make you nervous, you might clam up and never get past the edge of the circle. A forever stranger. If you are one such person, you might struggle with advice about attending events and meetups. You might have more luck meeting strangers one or one. In my opinion, meetup groups whose sole purpose is to socialise tend to feel awkward and weird. And just like dating, not everyone you meet will be a match. It's not a reflection of your personality or theirs. Don't get too invested in the outcome.
twayt 4y ago
Not sure who needs to hear this but step 1 in making more friends: Talk to more people. By that, I don’t even mean have more friendly conversations with people. Just literally say more words to more people. It can be talking shop or exchanging pleasantries with a service provider. Don’t ask why, just suspend disbelief, try it and see for yourself
- ValentineC 4y ago
  Adding on: listen to what other people say. I know some people who love to talk about themselves, but conversation with them is often one-sided. It's no surprise some of these people wonder why they have trouble making friends.
  - twayt 4y ago
    When I initially saw the title of this post and thought about my struggles making friends earlier, I could think of so many things that I’ve learned that work. But I developed all those learnings and skills through self-reflection once I was in the game. There are so many people who think they have social difficulties or are not friendly people because they don’t talk to people at all. It seems almost too simple or stupid to most intelligent people to consider that maybe the root of all their struggles can be solved by simply talking to more people.
    - ValentineC 4y ago
      I guess that's true for some — I'd liken it to people who say that they want to learn a new programming language or skill, and then go ahead and do everything except actually practise it. "The first step is always the hardest."
      - twayt 4y ago
        That’s a good comparison. This would be the social analog of hello world. And what you’re saying is that the next step is to learn how to also use cin instead of just cout.
gernb 4y ago
Related? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9hJ_Rux9y0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9hJ_Rux9y0
gernb 4y ago
> If you didn't have to worry about money what would you be doing? I have asked this question 50-100 times and not once have I gotten an interesting answer. It's always "I'd travel" with no realization that for most people, travel is boring very quickly. After a couple of weeks most people just find it their new life. Yet another museum, yet another church, yet another temple, yet another market. But AFAIK most people never think about it because they're unlikely to actually not have to worry about money?
- brezelnbitte 4y ago
  I have had this exact same thinking about travel and maybe thought I was just depressed. With how uncomfortable and stressful travel can be, I’m failing to see the point of it. I live in Maine and prefer to just find a quiet hotel or airbnb for a few days instead of getting on a long flight to follow the museum, church, cultural event pattern ad nauseam.
legerdemain 4y ago
This is an essay by a nerdy college kid about making friends with other nerdy college kids who are also desperately looking for friends. You don't need a guide, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Everyone you meet is working on something they think is awesome, and they all think that what their peers are doing is awesome, and everyone and everything is awesome all the time, because they have no mundane responsibilities and spend their days dreaming about an awesome future. It's different when you're an adult and you do a lot of what you because you have to and not because it's awesome, and you're surrounded by people who also mostly do things because they have to, and talking about those things with them is sordid and kind of unpleasant for both of you, and the crazy dreams of awesome you used to have are kind of a childish phase that many people leave behind.
- dmd 4y ago
  > Everyone you meet is working on something they think is awesome Talk about a bubble. I literally don't know anyone - not one person - who is working on something they think is awesome.
  - dpkirchner 4y ago
    I do but they're both retired.
bawolff 4y ago
"How to find friends: join twitter." Wait, what??!? > Easiest way to kick off this friendship chain is by inviting your friends to meet your other friends and just generally being happy to connect people Merging friend groups can be risky business. You are usually not the same person in different contexts, but you have to chose one person to be if you start merging your different friend groups (that's not to say you shouldn't do group hangs, but depending on how different your friends it can be much more difficult to pull off than this implies, especially for people who are a bit socially awkward)
- benj111 4y ago
  If you can't be you in a friend group are they really friends?
  - bawolff 4y ago
    "You" is an amorphous construct. As an example, some of my friends are into computers, some aren't. I dont talk about computers that much with the group that's not interested in that. Its not that im not me or that i am hiding my love of computers from that one group, its just that a different aspect of me is at the forefront.
    - benj111 4y ago
      That doesn't imply being a different person in different groups though. You probably have different conversations with friends, than friends + partners. You're still yourself, just fitting the conversation to the group.
      - bawolff 4y ago
        I think that's just getting hung up on semantics. I'm sure a philosopher could talk a long time about the difference between "being a different person", "code-switching", "fitting conversation to the group", "wearing different masks", etc but does it really matter? Regardless, the point im trying to make is, just because you are friends with group a, and group b, does not mean throwing everyone together will result in a group that meshes well.
0807test 4y ago
A really interesting thing I came upon recently is the idea of attachment styles and especially this article about how secure attachment style can help people initiate and maintain friendships. [1] > When secure people assume that others like them, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy termed “the acceptance prophecy.” Danu Anthony Stinson, a psychology professor at the University of Victoria in Canada, hypothesized with her colleagues that “if people expect acceptance, they will behave warmly, which in turn will lead other people to accept them; if they expect rejection, they will behave coldly, which will lead to less acceptance.” I tried using this "technique" for my online interviews and the difference is night and day. I am 10x more comfortable and open, actually connecting with the people I talk to (usually I am too cold and stiff, especially in the first 10 minutes). [1]: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/08/making-keeping-friends-attachment-theory-styles/671222/ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/08/making-ke...
jtxt 4y ago
Thanks for sharing. Some of it is pretty universal. Regarding meetings that deteriorate when they get too large: I've seen some success in allowing ours to subdivide into smaller groups. ...on Discord at least where it's easy to jump to another voice channel. Perhaps it could work in the right physical setting too. (But Discord makes screen-sharing and hearing everyone easy compared to in person.) The pattern for our meetings is like this: ~30 sec. introductions, ~5 min show and tell (what you're working on and/or a problem you ran into), then based on the above, deep dives into what people are interested in discussing/helping others with/or prepared presentations. Depending on how large the group is, at some point, usually just before the deep dives, I offer: "We have multiple rooms to split off into what would be useful for you to discuss. Feel free to do that anytime." Sometimes I identify common interests, or a burning question and someone that can help them--and suggest they move to another room/channel.

113 points by aadillpickle 4y ago

This kind of reads more as a guide to make professional acquaintances by talking to people on twitter. I find the graph of “most people’s friends vs my friends” wherein the author proudly implies that his social situation is optimized due to his discovery of life hacks like “talk to people at night” and “play video games with people.” to be kind of silly.

karaterobot 4y ago
> This kind of reads more as a guide to make professional acquaintances by talking to people on twitter. Agree with this. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's not the same thing as friendship.
- rocket_surgeron 4y ago
  Anyone who won't drop everything to go to your house at 11pm after you've been taken to the hospital to make sure everything is turned off and locked up because you fell and broke your back during a power outage caused by a hurricane Isaias in 2020 and the power was out when you left and the paramedics couldn't find my keys to lock my door isn't a friend. I have two friends and that's all I need. Everyone else is an acquaintance. Maybe my standards are too high but that's all I need.
  - braingenious 4y ago
    I would probably drop what I’m doing to help an acquaintance in those circumstances. For me, “bring me a pack of cigarettes at 5am because I’m broke and just went through a breakup” would be a high-water mark for “close friends” It’s neat how everyone experiences friendship differently!

s17n 4y ago

The SF social playbook. Good lord it's exhausting dealing with these people all the time. How to make friends, the real version: 1. You're only going to have a handful of true friends 2. Everybody else is basically in the same tier, regardless of how "meaningful" the topics you discuss in your awkward social interactions are 3. What you're really after is a solid and varied set of acquaintances 4. These relationships are transactional at heart, even if its highly obfuscated

cobertos 4y ago
That sounds like a way to guarantee your relationships are transactional? And sounds a bit pessimistic of the value in other humans? The article resonated with me quite a bit, and reading your comment made me reread the article deeper to better respond. To your points: 1) the article kind of says this. Their "T1" friends are very small. 2) are they? I have people I really connect with on computers, tech, etc and others I am friendly with and we can hang but past that there's just nothing except two civil friendly ppl hanging out. This is aside from the people I'm _really_ close with. 3 & 4) why would anyone want a variety of acquaintances, that's just aiming for everyone in your life being transactional? I loathe this idea, to just be surrounded by people who have varied interests but so much emotional distance as to not be there. I have had fun in groups like that, but if that was _all_ my social relationships I would feel terrible.
silisili 4y ago
Agreed whole heartedly. As a test, change your birthday in Facebook to tomorrow. See what happens. Hint: all your 'friends' will wish you happy birthday. Not that that's some benchmark, but anyone who really knows you well will think 'wait, isnt your birthday in June?' Anyways, I'm a decently outgoing dude who has lived all over the US and met tons of people. I think less than 10 would even know if I died tomorrow, and probably 3 would care enough to attend a funeral. At least, that's how many call or text once or so a year just to ask how things are going, not wanting anything in return at all. Rare. Excluding family, current coworkers and such.
- BlackLotus89 4y ago

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

freetime2 4y ago

Recently I've had to make some new friends for the first time in many years, and what I've learned is that the most important thing is just showing up. Find people with a shared interest, and keep showing up regularly to participate in that shared interest - at least once a week is a good frequency to aim for if possible. You don't have to be particularly outgoing or charming, but you should at least be polite and respectful. By getting together regularly with the same people, you will build familiarity, which can develop into friendship. Maybe not as strong a relationship as the best friend you had when you were younger, but so much better than being lonely.

satori99 4y ago
> what I've learned is that the most important thing is just showing up This is undoubtedly true in my experience. If the shared interest is goal orientated, like a team sport competition, or rehearsing toward a performance with an amateur theater group, then friendships are more likely to develop than not. Also, if you are open to letting other people teach you stuff. ie: New skills, facts, or viewpoints -- they will tend to hold a favourable opinion of you, and it makes the whole process a breeze.
972811 4y ago
It's true 1. Find a couple of group events that you are interested in 2. Show up relentlessly, go in with no expectations 3. Gather contact details and KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE 4. Eventually, find a way to add value to the group
nicbou 4y ago
This is true, although if you are shy, the group might grow closer sort of without you. In some groups, one person sometimes remains a stranger. If you are not comfortable with groups, an alternative is to reach out to people you think are interesting and meet them one on one.
andrewflnr 4y ago
I tend to agree, but do note that this takes a long time.
4y ago

prottog 4y ago

The post should be amended to reflect the full title: "An extremely opinionated guide on making friends for people who are exactly like me"

mikrl 4y ago

I helped a lady in the park while her friend was having a medical emergency and she gave me some crafts to say thanks. Mostly just being nice, I bought some more of her stuff ($20 here or there) and spent some time chatting. Thinking of bumping her to coffee acquaintance bc I think she feels obligated to bring her wares when I agree to meet up. I’m way more educated, have a better job, 10y younger, more worldly and more successful. She’s never going to be anything more than a platonic person I know in my small town. Many of you would assume she’s ‘sketchy’ and I’d put money on that assertion. However it’s nice to chat with someone unlike me. I’m always frustrated with sprint stuff, broken systems, and the crap you deal with on cutting edge of AI. She likes crafting, turtles and her grown kids. I offer her encouragement in her small business and give her ideas to improve it. Probably the most wholesome acquaintance I’ve had in years.

dzink 4y ago
You’re still thinking of the relationship in transitional terms and looking down on her (re-read above). That said, good for you for branching out! Men often tend to think of relationships as transactional - attaching to someone with higher status to raise your own, or receiving something of value in return. Women may also appreciate some transactional relationships but more importantly tend to build supportive networks (where a value is just being heard when you need to vent or struggle with a problem, and when you proactively help others, regardless of stature, so you and others don’t fall through the cracks, especially the kids.) Men often rely on their spouse or other women for that kind of a relationship (being able to vent and feel vulnerable).
- 972811 4y ago
  All relationships are transactional, whether it is explicit or implicit. Your comments are just describing different types of transactions. Your gender splits here are not helpful. The main split that I see over and over again is that men are much less likely to accept you into their group, but much less likely to reject you once you're in (they are tribal). Women are fast to make acquaintances and have larger (mostly healthier) social circles, but are less loosely tied to groups.
- 4y ago

nicbou 4y ago

One thing that's rarely mentioned is that desperation is a stinky cologne. For some reason, the less I care about the outcome of an interaction, the better it goes. A relaxed, genuine person is more pleasant than a bland people pleaser. It's easier to be casual if you have lots of friends already, so it's hard to start anew in a different city. Another: not everyone is comfortable in a group of strangers. If they make you nervous, you might clam up and never get past the edge of the circle. A forever stranger. If you are one such person, you might struggle with advice about attending events and meetups. You might have more luck meeting strangers one or one. In my opinion, meetup groups whose sole purpose is to socialise tend to feel awkward and weird. And just like dating, not everyone you meet will be a match. It's not a reflection of your personality or theirs. Don't get too invested in the outcome.

twayt 4y ago

Not sure who needs to hear this but step 1 in making more friends: Talk to more people. By that, I don’t even mean have more friendly conversations with people. Just literally say more words to more people. It can be talking shop or exchanging pleasantries with a service provider. Don’t ask why, just suspend disbelief, try it and see for yourself

ValentineC 4y ago
Adding on: listen to what other people say. I know some people who love to talk about themselves, but conversation with them is often one-sided. It's no surprise some of these people wonder why they have trouble making friends.
- twayt 4y ago
  When I initially saw the title of this post and thought about my struggles making friends earlier, I could think of so many things that I’ve learned that work. But I developed all those learnings and skills through self-reflection once I was in the game. There are so many people who think they have social difficulties or are not friendly people because they don’t talk to people at all. It seems almost too simple or stupid to most intelligent people to consider that maybe the root of all their struggles can be solved by simply talking to more people.
  - ValentineC 4y ago
    I guess that's true for some — I'd liken it to people who say that they want to learn a new programming language or skill, and then go ahead and do everything except actually practise it. "The first step is always the hardest."
    - twayt 4y ago
      That’s a good comparison. This would be the social analog of hello world. And what you’re saying is that the next step is to learn how to also use cin instead of just cout.

gernb 4y ago

Related? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9hJ_Rux9y0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9hJ_Rux9y0

gernb 4y ago

> If you didn't have to worry about money what would you be doing? I have asked this question 50-100 times and not once have I gotten an interesting answer. It's always "I'd travel" with no realization that for most people, travel is boring very quickly. After a couple of weeks most people just find it their new life. Yet another museum, yet another church, yet another temple, yet another market. But AFAIK most people never think about it because they're unlikely to actually not have to worry about money?

brezelnbitte 4y ago
I have had this exact same thinking about travel and maybe thought I was just depressed. With how uncomfortable and stressful travel can be, I’m failing to see the point of it. I live in Maine and prefer to just find a quiet hotel or airbnb for a few days instead of getting on a long flight to follow the museum, church, cultural event pattern ad nauseam.

legerdemain 4y ago

This is an essay by a nerdy college kid about making friends with other nerdy college kids who are also desperately looking for friends. You don't need a guide, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Everyone you meet is working on something they think is awesome, and they all think that what their peers are doing is awesome, and everyone and everything is awesome all the time, because they have no mundane responsibilities and spend their days dreaming about an awesome future. It's different when you're an adult and you do a lot of what you because you have to and not because it's awesome, and you're surrounded by people who also mostly do things because they have to, and talking about those things with them is sordid and kind of unpleasant for both of you, and the crazy dreams of awesome you used to have are kind of a childish phase that many people leave behind.

dmd 4y ago
> Everyone you meet is working on something they think is awesome Talk about a bubble. I literally don't know anyone - not one person - who is working on something they think is awesome.
- dpkirchner 4y ago
  I do but they're both retired.

bawolff 4y ago

"How to find friends: join twitter." Wait, what??!? > Easiest way to kick off this friendship chain is by inviting your friends to meet your other friends and just generally being happy to connect people Merging friend groups can be risky business. You are usually not the same person in different contexts, but you have to chose one person to be if you start merging your different friend groups (that's not to say you shouldn't do group hangs, but depending on how different your friends it can be much more difficult to pull off than this implies, especially for people who are a bit socially awkward)

benj111 4y ago
If you can't be you in a friend group are they really friends?
- bawolff 4y ago
  "You" is an amorphous construct. As an example, some of my friends are into computers, some aren't. I dont talk about computers that much with the group that's not interested in that. Its not that im not me or that i am hiding my love of computers from that one group, its just that a different aspect of me is at the forefront.
  - benj111 4y ago
    That doesn't imply being a different person in different groups though. You probably have different conversations with friends, than friends + partners. You're still yourself, just fitting the conversation to the group.
    - bawolff 4y ago
      I think that's just getting hung up on semantics. I'm sure a philosopher could talk a long time about the difference between "being a different person", "code-switching", "fitting conversation to the group", "wearing different masks", etc but does it really matter? Regardless, the point im trying to make is, just because you are friends with group a, and group b, does not mean throwing everyone together will result in a group that meshes well.

0807test 4y ago

A really interesting thing I came upon recently is the idea of attachment styles and especially this article about how secure attachment style can help people initiate and maintain friendships. [1] > When secure people assume that others like them, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy termed “the acceptance prophecy.” Danu Anthony Stinson, a psychology professor at the University of Victoria in Canada, hypothesized with her colleagues that “if people expect acceptance, they will behave warmly, which in turn will lead other people to accept them; if they expect rejection, they will behave coldly, which will lead to less acceptance.” I tried using this "technique" for my online interviews and the difference is night and day. I am 10x more comfortable and open, actually connecting with the people I talk to (usually I am too cold and stiff, especially in the first 10 minutes). [1]: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/08/making-keeping-friends-attachment-theory-styles/671222/ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/08/making-ke...

jtxt 4y ago

Thanks for sharing. Some of it is pretty universal. Regarding meetings that deteriorate when they get too large: I've seen some success in allowing ours to subdivide into smaller groups. ...on Discord at least where it's easy to jump to another voice channel. Perhaps it could work in the right physical setting too. (But Discord makes screen-sharing and hearing everyone easy compared to in person.) The pattern for our meetings is like this: ~30 sec. introductions, ~5 min show and tell (what you're working on and/or a problem you ran into), then based on the above, deep dives into what people are interested in discussing/helping others with/or prepared presentations. Depending on how large the group is, at some point, usually just before the deep dives, I offer: "We have multiple rooms to split off into what would be useful for you to discuss. Feel free to do that anytime." Sometimes I identify common interests, or a burning question and someone that can help them--and suggest they move to another room/channel.