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Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone

Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. Thankfully, there's someone selling every possible take on parenting advice to meet every intuition seeking affirmation. (I skip that part and just go straight to my own intuition. I think we need diversity.)

bheadmaster 4y ago
> Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. How often does that happen in reality? Are there any studies? What is your personal experience? Honest question, as I really don't know. > Thankfully, there's someone selling every possible take on parenting advice to meet every intuition seeking affirmation. There's no need for such a dismissing attitude. I clearly stated I am not an authority on the subject and I'm welcoming all and any information in the replies. I'm just discussing here, and without actual knowledge, intuition is my starting point.
- papandada 4y ago
  Yes, my comment is my own personal experience, and my conclusion based on that experience. What sounded dismissive to you was a slightly cynical take on the parenting advice industry, and contains my advice to stick to your own intuition.
  - bheadmaster 4y ago
    I apologize for my defensiveness - I thought that the second sentence was a snarky remark directed towards me. How did you manage to get the 6 years old to finally sleep alone? Did it happen by itself or did you have to do something about it?
    - papandada 4y ago
      Understandable, I was editing that part to soften it a bit before I even saw your reply. 6 year old is currently in that state. Again, even daring to admit something like that invites commentary from other parents how we did it wrong. Maybe so, but his mother is also a highly anxious person who could not handle letting a child be upset without comforting him. I also have a 12 year old who sleeps fine on her own now but was similar to about the same age. So again, I don't see a way to be a parent other than intuition coupled with openmindedness, and that undoubtedly our own limitations or neuroses will end up affecting our children somehow (to the extent we don't or can't work on ourselves). It's somewhat of a tragic or at least deeply humbling experience.
fn1 4y ago
> Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. The work here is not to let the child cry in it's early days, but to put it in it's bed, come when it cries, calm it down, go back to bed, come again when it cries etc. Repeat until child sleeps.
- papandada 4y ago
  I know the theory for sure. In my experience kids could outcry their parents' patience, unfortunately.
- abyssin 4y ago
  For the French speakers, the book by Brigitte Langevin Le Sommeil du nourrisson is highly recommended. It’s one of the best things that happened to mine and several friend’s couples at around the six months mark. It’s a simple technique that helps the parents go through the one or two difficult nights where the child learns how to manage to sleep alone. It uses a stopwatch. First leave the child to cry for 15 seconds before going to comfort them. Always stay by the bed, giving only your presence. If the crying continues when you lay the baby in bed, add 15 seconds so wait for 30 seconds, etc. until reaching a plateau of five minutes. I don’t know anyone who reached the plateau, nor had to do it for more than three days. My daughter falls asleep almost immediately and is much happier now that she’s properly rested. And as parents we’re happier too!
  - theNJR 4y ago
    For the English speakers, there is Bringing up Bebe. My wife and I are expecting our first in November and are currently reading - and loving - this book. It’s a great reframe.
em-bee 4y ago
Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages based on my experience i'd very much doubt that this sleep problem comes because of attachment parenting. there must have been some other experience that causes the child to have trouble sleeping alone. the point of attachment parenting is exactly to help the children be more confident, so they need less attachment later. if that doesn't work then there must have been some other influence. elsewhere you mention a highly anxious mother. i don't know, i thought it would have to be something worse like divorce or death of a family member. but it's not surprising that the kids pick up the anxiousness of their mother. but that doesn't mean attachment parenting is the wrong approach. it only means that it makes it more challenging, and while you could try letting kids cry it out, i believe that would only lead to a worse outcome. because while it works to let the kids sleep by themselves, it influences the relationship between the parents and the children. (edited for clarification)
- papandada 4y ago
  I'd still do "attachment parenting" over crying it out, but that's me. Just saying that every choice may have a downside that comes with the territory. Yes, I think anxiety and unwillingness to acknowledge it has played a huge part.
  - em-bee 4y ago
    that anxiety is not your fault, nor is it your wife's fault. and unwillingness to acknowledge it may even be an inability to do so. a lot of people go through some kind of trauma during their childhood, and who knows what your wife went through to come out with that anxiety. it can take people decades to understand what their childhood did to their life, and for some therapy is needed to help unraveling things. as long as you both do your best, your children will understand when they grow up.
    - papandada 4y ago
      Yes, she went through 7 miscarriages and a history of mental illness in her family so I don't begrudge her holding her children while she can. It's not cost-free, though. Life has been educational :)
rr888 4y ago
> 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed Ha 6 is nothing, my 14 year old still asks a few times a week. I gave up a long time ago, its my wife's problem now.

Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. Thankfully, there's someone selling every possible take on parenting advice to meet every intuition seeking affirmation. (I skip that part and just go straight to my own intuition. I think we need diversity.)

bheadmaster 4y ago

> Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. How often does that happen in reality? Are there any studies? What is your personal experience? Honest question, as I really don't know. > Thankfully, there's someone selling every possible take on parenting advice to meet every intuition seeking affirmation. There's no need for such a dismissing attitude. I clearly stated I am not an authority on the subject and I'm welcoming all and any information in the replies. I'm just discussing here, and without actual knowledge, intuition is my starting point.

papandada 4y ago
Yes, my comment is my own personal experience, and my conclusion based on that experience. What sounded dismissive to you was a slightly cynical take on the parenting advice industry, and contains my advice to stick to your own intuition.
- bheadmaster 4y ago
  I apologize for my defensiveness - I thought that the second sentence was a snarky remark directed towards me. How did you manage to get the 6 years old to finally sleep alone? Did it happen by itself or did you have to do something about it?
  - papandada 4y ago
    Understandable, I was editing that part to soften it a bit before I even saw your reply. 6 year old is currently in that state. Again, even daring to admit something like that invites commentary from other parents how we did it wrong. Maybe so, but his mother is also a highly anxious person who could not handle letting a child be upset without comforting him. I also have a 12 year old who sleeps fine on her own now but was similar to about the same age. So again, I don't see a way to be a parent other than intuition coupled with openmindedness, and that undoubtedly our own limitations or neuroses will end up affecting our children somehow (to the extent we don't or can't work on ourselves). It's somewhat of a tragic or at least deeply humbling experience.

fn1 4y ago

> Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages. The work here is not to let the child cry in it's early days, but to put it in it's bed, come when it cries, calm it down, go back to bed, come again when it cries etc. Repeat until child sleeps.

papandada 4y ago
I know the theory for sure. In my experience kids could outcry their parents' patience, unfortunately.
abyssin 4y ago
For the French speakers, the book by Brigitte Langevin Le Sommeil du nourrisson is highly recommended. It’s one of the best things that happened to mine and several friend’s couples at around the six months mark. It’s a simple technique that helps the parents go through the one or two difficult nights where the child learns how to manage to sleep alone. It uses a stopwatch. First leave the child to cry for 15 seconds before going to comfort them. Always stay by the bed, giving only your presence. If the crying continues when you lay the baby in bed, add 15 seconds so wait for 30 seconds, etc. until reaching a plateau of five minutes. I don’t know anyone who reached the plateau, nor had to do it for more than three days. My daughter falls asleep almost immediately and is much happier now that she’s properly rested. And as parents we’re happier too!
- theNJR 4y ago
  For the English speakers, there is Bringing up Bebe. My wife and I are expecting our first in November and are currently reading - and loving - this book. It’s a great reframe.

em-bee 4y ago

Having a 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed because of "attachment parenting" tends to make one wonder if there's not some merit to having gone through some pain in the early stages based on my experience i'd very much doubt that this sleep problem comes because of attachment parenting. there must have been some other experience that causes the child to have trouble sleeping alone. the point of attachment parenting is exactly to help the children be more confident, so they need less attachment later. if that doesn't work then there must have been some other influence. elsewhere you mention a highly anxious mother. i don't know, i thought it would have to be something worse like divorce or death of a family member. but it's not surprising that the kids pick up the anxiousness of their mother. but that doesn't mean attachment parenting is the wrong approach. it only means that it makes it more challenging, and while you could try letting kids cry it out, i believe that would only lead to a worse outcome. because while it works to let the kids sleep by themselves, it influences the relationship between the parents and the children. (edited for clarification)

papandada 4y ago
I'd still do "attachment parenting" over crying it out, but that's me. Just saying that every choice may have a downside that comes with the territory. Yes, I think anxiety and unwillingness to acknowledge it has played a huge part.
- em-bee 4y ago
  that anxiety is not your fault, nor is it your wife's fault. and unwillingness to acknowledge it may even be an inability to do so. a lot of people go through some kind of trauma during their childhood, and who knows what your wife went through to come out with that anxiety. it can take people decades to understand what their childhood did to their life, and for some therapy is needed to help unraveling things. as long as you both do your best, your children will understand when they grow up.
  - papandada 4y ago
    Yes, she went through 7 miscarriages and a history of mental illness in her family so I don't begrudge her holding her children while she can. It's not cost-free, though. Life has been educational :)

rr888 4y ago

> 6 year old refuse to sleep without a parent in bed Ha 6 is nothing, my 14 year old still asks a few times a week. I gave up a long time ago, its my wife's problem now.