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What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? I came from a less fortunate background in some ways, and LinkedIn has been a godsend for me to com

by tjs8rj 4y ago

What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? I came from a less fortunate background in some ways, and LinkedIn has been a godsend for me to compare myself to others and get to where I want to be: I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. It’s almost like they’re my mentor and don’t even know it. I wouldn’t say I’m wildly successful now, but any time I encounter someone noticeably “more successful” along the axes I care about, there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? I’m way more accomplished than I was even just a year ago, and I find myself saying that every year. I’ve sold businesses, lead teams, received awards, and have accomplished things that just a few years ago seemed like a pinnacle of success because of this mindset. Comparing oneself to others is so powerful, especially now the availability of peoples background info basically makes it a labeled dataset for learning how to become “successful” in whatever way you define it. I think that’s always been the point of it biologically: if you’re worried you’re falling behind - fix it! The issue is the same as calorie counting: there’s a healthy way to do it and an unhealthy way. Most people compare themselves to others in the unhealthy way, so it’s unproductive and just anxiety-inducing. The healthy way uses that low level anxiety as a catalyst for action.

cosmojg 4y ago
> there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? Therein lies the rub. Many have not developed this skill, and it isn't taught anywhere. In American culture, when a person verbally relates or otherwise expresses their negative emotions experienced as a result of comparing themselves with others, most other people will respond with some variation of "don't worry about it," whether that's friendly reassurance that their worth lies elsewhere or a bit of patronizing admonishment for immaturely keeping up with the Joneses in the first place. Rarely are people handed a guide to using those feelings constructively. But yeah, learning to do so can get you quite far in life.
unity1001 4y ago
> What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? Because the society's standards are capricious, and they change almost every decade. They can even suddenly change in a single year. What is 'the place to be' a yesterday could be a place that people don't want to be tomorrow. What's 'cool' yesterday can be 'lame' tomorrow. If one builds his or her life on the society's changing perspective, he or she can easily end up unhappy in a decade or two, being in a place and situation which does not merit the effor that went into it to get it and keep it. The ideal is going in the direction which YOU want to go. Where YOU want to be. That's where all those 'inner drive' talk comes from. And they are right - in 10-20 years, all the people who had shaped the standards of the current society as adults or parents will be gone. The standards and perspectives will change. It happens every ~20 years. And when that happens, its better to have that 20 years lived by your own standards and drives than the ever-shifting societal standards.
- marginalia_nu 4y ago
  I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be, not because social standards have forced anyone to do anything, but because they've accomplished (through intrinsic motivation) what I also set out to accomplish (through intrinsic motivation).
  - unity1001 4y ago
    > It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be Its fully possible, but its also statistically improbable for enough number of people to be doing that, and even more improbable for it being a common aspiration in the society. The aspirations and standards of the society generally follow the lines of money and a hip/desirable status at any given time according to the dominant fad.
    - marginalia_nu 4y ago
      I'm not sure I follow why that would be. Surely most people, even when intrinsically motivated, would be expected to gravitate toward certain common interests that are appealing to human beings at large. You're more likely to find a human interested in learning to play the guitar than staring intently at a squirrel out the window for hours (although a a cat might be interested in that).
xapata 4y ago
Not all success has deterministic causes.
- JohnFen 4y ago
  People hate to admit this, but it's true -- success requires a large amount of pure, dumb luck. That's not to say intelligent effort isn't necessary -- it is -- but it's not sufficient.
mym1990 4y ago
I don't think there is an issue with it when done in moderation, but with social media it has become more wanting an end result without understanding the process or the risks involved with getting there. If studying others and using that knowledge to move up in the world is working for you and gives you fulfillment, I think that is a great thing.
JohnFen 4y ago
> I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. I suppose that's a kind of "comparing yourself to others", but I think it's more accurate to say that's "learning from others" rather than comparing. You are not assessing your worth based on the perceived worth of others. Your are spotting people who have accomplished things similar to what you want to accomplish and seeing how they got there. Two entirely different things.

by tjs8rj 4y ago

cosmojg 4y ago

> there’s a moment of envy that quickly turns into “what can I learn from this person to accomplish that and surpass them”? Therein lies the rub. Many have not developed this skill, and it isn't taught anywhere. In American culture, when a person verbally relates or otherwise expresses their negative emotions experienced as a result of comparing themselves with others, most other people will respond with some variation of "don't worry about it," whether that's friendly reassurance that their worth lies elsewhere or a bit of patronizing admonishment for immaturely keeping up with the Joneses in the first place. Rarely are people handed a guide to using those feelings constructively. But yeah, learning to do so can get you quite far in life.

unity1001 4y ago

> What exactly is the issue with comparing oneself to others? Because the society's standards are capricious, and they change almost every decade. They can even suddenly change in a single year. What is 'the place to be' a yesterday could be a place that people don't want to be tomorrow. What's 'cool' yesterday can be 'lame' tomorrow. If one builds his or her life on the society's changing perspective, he or she can easily end up unhappy in a decade or two, being in a place and situation which does not merit the effor that went into it to get it and keep it. The ideal is going in the direction which YOU want to go. Where YOU want to be. That's where all those 'inner drive' talk comes from. And they are right - in 10-20 years, all the people who had shaped the standards of the current society as adults or parents will be gone. The standards and perspectives will change. It happens every ~20 years. And when that happens, its better to have that 20 years lived by your own standards and drives than the ever-shifting societal standards.

marginalia_nu 4y ago
I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be, not because social standards have forced anyone to do anything, but because they've accomplished (through intrinsic motivation) what I also set out to accomplish (through intrinsic motivation).
- unity1001 4y ago
  > It's fully possible someone else is living a life that is what I want my life to be Its fully possible, but its also statistically improbable for enough number of people to be doing that, and even more improbable for it being a common aspiration in the society. The aspirations and standards of the society generally follow the lines of money and a hip/desirable status at any given time according to the dominant fad.
  - marginalia_nu 4y ago
    I'm not sure I follow why that would be. Surely most people, even when intrinsically motivated, would be expected to gravitate toward certain common interests that are appealing to human beings at large. You're more likely to find a human interested in learning to play the guitar than staring intently at a squirrel out the window for hours (although a a cat might be interested in that).

xapata 4y ago

Not all success has deterministic causes.

JohnFen 4y ago
People hate to admit this, but it's true -- success requires a large amount of pure, dumb luck. That's not to say intelligent effort isn't necessary -- it is -- but it's not sufficient.

mym1990 4y ago

I don't think there is an issue with it when done in moderation, but with social media it has become more wanting an end result without understanding the process or the risks involved with getting there. If studying others and using that knowledge to move up in the world is working for you and gives you fulfillment, I think that is a great thing.

JohnFen 4y ago

> I just look people up who I’m really impressed by, see their history and combined with other research I find the patterns that got them where they are, and then develop goals for myself to surpass them. I suppose that's a kind of "comparing yourself to others", but I think it's more accurate to say that's "learning from others" rather than comparing. You are not assessing your worth based on the perceived worth of others. Your are spotting people who have accomplished things similar to what you want to accomplish and seeing how they got there. Two entirely different things.