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But she's not your child, she's your wife! Your adult wife. She has a lifetime of legitimate experiences and is at the wheel of her ship, and, at this time in t

But she's not your child, she's your wife! Your adult wife. She has a lifetime of legitimate experiences and is at the wheel of her ship, and, at this time in the cosmos, you happen to be cruising together in the same direction. Take care not to infantilize her. You don't live inside her skull. You don't know what her choices and learned experiences mean to her, and how much she values them, in exactly the same way she doesn't for yours, it's unknowable.

horsawlarway 4y ago
Frankly - this is a statement that is completely disconnected from the post. He's getting asked to purchase a laptop for her - that means this is a place where she's already deferring to his choices on tech (likely for good reason - he's probably the domain expert in the family, whether he wanted it or not). > "she has a lifetime of legitimate experiences and is at the wheel of her ship" I utterly agree - so she can go buy her own laptop and set it up herself if it's really bugging her. If she's defaulting to him for these chores... then she gets the output he gives her.
- superchroma 4y ago
  In my perspective, "if you want me to do it for you, you're going to get it done my way" is not a good relationship hill to die on.
  - horsawlarway 4y ago
    They're doing it, it will be done the way they do it. There's just no way to avoid that. A good relationship means "you're going to get it done my way" includes compromise and conversation. This one clearly already has - since the initial suggestion of a simple ssd upgrade was vetoed. Is he making a mistake? Maybe - who gives a fuck. That's for him and his wife to discuss afterwards. Why are you so eager to assume malicious intent here?
- that_guy_iain 4y ago
  He's getting asked to purchase her a Windows laptop. This means that she has already decided what she wants. And OP wants to ignore that. Basically, what she is asking him to do is buy a laptop with good specs at a good price that has Windows installed. It's the specs she wants input on. If you ask someone to buy you a clock and they buy you a watch because they think clocks are outdated and they prefer watches even though they know you prefer clocks. You would be annoyed.
  - horsawlarway 4y ago
    He's getting asked to do a chore for his wife because she thinks he'll do a better job. If she knows what she wants - why ask him at all? Just go do it. If she doesn't know what she wants - then be prepared to get his full input (in this case - new hardware plus try linux). Should she be able to ignore his input? Sure. She's a grown up, she can do the chore herself in any way she wants. Basically - don't expect to force someone to be your free tech support because they happen to be your husband, and then also force them to do your tech support your way. In the same way that you shouldn't trust a friend to get you "exactly the clock your want" if you ask for it for your birthday or christmas - a lot of times you'll get a watch instead, because it's close enough and they got to pick it using their own expertise. You can make all sorts of assumptions about their relationship and whether this is a good idea or not, but we aren't them and we don't have the answer to that (who the fuck knows - it's unlikely - but maybe she'll end up loving it. Or maybe she hates it and divorces him. Or maybe she acts like a grown up and installs windows on it herself afterwards.)
    - that_guy_iain 4y ago
      > In the same way that you shouldn't trust a friend to get you "exactly the clock your want" if you ask for it for your birthday or christmas - a lot of times you'll get a watch instead, because it's close enough and they got to pick it using their own expertise. You would only get a watch if the person is A is a jerk and thinks they know better or B they made an honest mistake or that was all that was available. If you don't understand that part then I don't think there is a need to carry on.

horsawlarway 4y ago

Frankly - this is a statement that is completely disconnected from the post. He's getting asked to purchase a laptop for her - that means this is a place where she's already deferring to his choices on tech (likely for good reason - he's probably the domain expert in the family, whether he wanted it or not). > "she has a lifetime of legitimate experiences and is at the wheel of her ship" I utterly agree - so she can go buy her own laptop and set it up herself if it's really bugging her. If she's defaulting to him for these chores... then she gets the output he gives her.

superchroma 4y ago
In my perspective, "if you want me to do it for you, you're going to get it done my way" is not a good relationship hill to die on.
- horsawlarway 4y ago
  They're doing it, it will be done the way they do it. There's just no way to avoid that. A good relationship means "you're going to get it done my way" includes compromise and conversation. This one clearly already has - since the initial suggestion of a simple ssd upgrade was vetoed. Is he making a mistake? Maybe - who gives a fuck. That's for him and his wife to discuss afterwards. Why are you so eager to assume malicious intent here?
that_guy_iain 4y ago
He's getting asked to purchase her a Windows laptop. This means that she has already decided what she wants. And OP wants to ignore that. Basically, what she is asking him to do is buy a laptop with good specs at a good price that has Windows installed. It's the specs she wants input on. If you ask someone to buy you a clock and they buy you a watch because they think clocks are outdated and they prefer watches even though they know you prefer clocks. You would be annoyed.
- horsawlarway 4y ago
  He's getting asked to do a chore for his wife because she thinks he'll do a better job. If she knows what she wants - why ask him at all? Just go do it. If she doesn't know what she wants - then be prepared to get his full input (in this case - new hardware plus try linux). Should she be able to ignore his input? Sure. She's a grown up, she can do the chore herself in any way she wants. Basically - don't expect to force someone to be your free tech support because they happen to be your husband, and then also force them to do your tech support your way. In the same way that you shouldn't trust a friend to get you "exactly the clock your want" if you ask for it for your birthday or christmas - a lot of times you'll get a watch instead, because it's close enough and they got to pick it using their own expertise. You can make all sorts of assumptions about their relationship and whether this is a good idea or not, but we aren't them and we don't have the answer to that (who the fuck knows - it's unlikely - but maybe she'll end up loving it. Or maybe she hates it and divorces him. Or maybe she acts like a grown up and installs windows on it herself afterwards.)
  - that_guy_iain 4y ago
    > In the same way that you shouldn't trust a friend to get you "exactly the clock your want" if you ask for it for your birthday or christmas - a lot of times you'll get a watch instead, because it's close enough and they got to pick it using their own expertise. You would only get a watch if the person is A is a jerk and thinks they know better or B they made an honest mistake or that was all that was available. If you don't understand that part then I don't think there is a need to carry on.