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> If all your parents did was give you the opportunity to grow up stateside as opposed to some communist hellhole or third-world slum, that itself is worth a li

> If all your parents did was give you the opportunity to grow up stateside as opposed to some communist hellhole or third-world slum, that itself is worth a lifetime of gratitude that you can never hope to pay back. It's ok to not be ok with abuse and neglect, despite the sacrifices those who hurt you made for you. My parents left primarily due to not being able to provide for us during a period of unpredictable instability which was largely due to privatization of many industries and international corporate meddling (after having voted in a Socialist government that was upended by Capitalist powers). They left because they felt deeply betrayed and were ill equipped for the transition. I remember the struggle for food- that struggle was still present in America. Personally, I know they themselves struggle with having left their family (and children, for some years) behind- my father has regrets he voiced after his mother passed away, that despite all his accomplishments and hard work he is still not valued as he deserves but on top of that (most importantly to him) he is a continent away from most of the people he grew up with and loves. They do put the weight of that decision on us to accomplish and validate their sacrifices (or "make their sacrifice worth it"). One can be grateful and also still struggle with generational trauma. You can love your parents unconditionally and still have a hard time with them refusing to get help, refusing to listen, refusing to take you seriously because "children listen to their parents and listening is a one-way street". I can be as clear and patient as humanly possible, present all the research patiently, beg them to take me seriously, but what I say still won't hold the same weight as anything their friends say, despite my ability to explain misinformation or bias. I can only imagine how they will be in their later years. I hope they will mellow out over time but, as the last few years have shown me, I find this increasingly unlikely. I'll still take care of them and love them, fully knowing they are unable/unwilling to accept me as a person (LGBTQ+ wise), but no I don't think they are judgemental "no more than their former compatriots" because people exist everywhere (and I know for a fact in our country of origin) who don't hold the bitterness and hostile defensiveness they do. I think perhaps being immigrants made them even harder as people, and I'm old enough to remember what life was like before they had to live with the resentment of leaving everything they knew to give us opportunities. Also I completely disagree with the sentiment of holding "a lifetime of gratitude" that can never be paid back over someone's life. Surely there are ways of reciprocating that amount of love and care, ways that don't involve conforming to your parents ideas of who they want you to be, especially when their ideas make no room for who you actually are. Not to say all immigrant parents are the same, but I do think it's incredibly common to have immigrant parents who genuinely have no interest in knowing/appreciating you as a person, who live with so many layers of trauma that they refuse to even acknowledge their toxic traits, that they don't endeavor to heal from because they wear their suffering like a badge of honor. Their sense of self-worth is embedded in their fight to make it and prove themselves, and they create hurdles so you have to fight to make yourself worth their time and fight to prove yourself worthy of their sacrifice. I don't believe this is necessary and I wish they would care enough to get out of that mindspace. I do love and appreciate them enough to understand them compassionately and empathetically despite them not extending the same- my parents fully know this and they expect it and take it for granted because "it's the least I can do", it does not mean the world for them because their pain has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their continuous grief for everything they lost along the way. I just wish they would take the time to consider that despite their adamant stance of "I put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and that's all you should want"- we, their children, are also people with valid things to say and our struggles also matter.

_dmxy 4y ago
You're right, what I wrote, especially the part about never being able to pay back, was too extreme, along with the general tone of the comment. In my defense, I was typing a spontaneous, somewhat emotional response to the root comment, as one often does on an online forum. I generally agree with your points, and relate to aspects of the issues you express (it's hard to accurately quantize thoughts/sentiments into text especially on these subjects). I would add that our parents generation faced far more extreme versions of the same challenges/tensions we faced in our childhood. For example, I certainly relate to the "listening is a one-way street" mentality, but for our parents generation growing up in their conservative, ultra-traditional societies, they would have been expected to abide by a far more obedient social norms. Likewise, they may be intolerant of minority races/orientations, but grew up in societies that were far harsher on their own quirks, or distinguishing features that put themselves in the minority (which can be as innocuous as being left-handed). I think it would be hard not to envelop one's self in "layers of trauma" growing up in such adverse conditions and societal upheaval, and to take pride in overcoming such adversity such that it became part of one's identity. On a good day I try to see things from other side's perspective, and my very crude guess, based on my own family experience, is that these are just some of the sentiments first generation immigrant parents may feel: -my kid has no idea how good he has it, my childhood was a constant struggle. My children's generation can never comprehend how much better their life is than my own growing up -the chief beneficiary of my lifetime of struggle, sacrifices, hard-work is not myself but my kids (and posterity), who express little to no gratitude for my incredible contributions towards their well-being and success. -in return for everything I have done, my kid is trying to impose this alien (Western) ideology over dearly held cultural values/beliefs I have practiced for a lifetime -in addition, my kid is trying to impose practices/perspectives (i.e. LGBTQ+ marriage) that are anathema to my corely held religious beliefs/moral worldview These are crude extrapolations based on limited information that can be easily misinterpreted (social cues, obviously a lot is not said out loud) with a sample size of 1 - basically meaningless data that I nonetheless feel compelled to share because my gut feeling is that the themes are applicable to our cohort. When looking at things from this perspective, and imagining if my own kid was exhibiting this same mindset/attitude interacting with me in my own old age, I become much more empathetic for my parents feelings/positions when it comes to these subjects. Again, I can't hope to understand your family situation in any depth via typed text over an online forum, but I can't help but feel the sentiment that your parents are really expressing through "I put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and that's all you should want" is that they are sorely in need of some degree of gratitude for everything they've done for you. I know you have expressed that gratitude before - but I think its something we should return to time and time again. That you recognize the challenges and struggles they overcame so that you all would have a much better life.

_dmxy 4y ago

You're right, what I wrote, especially the part about never being able to pay back, was too extreme, along with the general tone of the comment. In my defense, I was typing a spontaneous, somewhat emotional response to the root comment, as one often does on an online forum. I generally agree with your points, and relate to aspects of the issues you express (it's hard to accurately quantize thoughts/sentiments into text especially on these subjects). I would add that our parents generation faced far more extreme versions of the same challenges/tensions we faced in our childhood. For example, I certainly relate to the "listening is a one-way street" mentality, but for our parents generation growing up in their conservative, ultra-traditional societies, they would have been expected to abide by a far more obedient social norms. Likewise, they may be intolerant of minority races/orientations, but grew up in societies that were far harsher on their own quirks, or distinguishing features that put themselves in the minority (which can be as innocuous as being left-handed). I think it would be hard not to envelop one's self in "layers of trauma" growing up in such adverse conditions and societal upheaval, and to take pride in overcoming such adversity such that it became part of one's identity. On a good day I try to see things from other side's perspective, and my very crude guess, based on my own family experience, is that these are just some of the sentiments first generation immigrant parents may feel: -my kid has no idea how good he has it, my childhood was a constant struggle. My children's generation can never comprehend how much better their life is than my own growing up -the chief beneficiary of my lifetime of struggle, sacrifices, hard-work is not myself but my kids (and posterity), who express little to no gratitude for my incredible contributions towards their well-being and success. -in return for everything I have done, my kid is trying to impose this alien (Western) ideology over dearly held cultural values/beliefs I have practiced for a lifetime -in addition, my kid is trying to impose practices/perspectives (i.e. LGBTQ+ marriage) that are anathema to my corely held religious beliefs/moral worldview These are crude extrapolations based on limited information that can be easily misinterpreted (social cues, obviously a lot is not said out loud) with a sample size of 1 - basically meaningless data that I nonetheless feel compelled to share because my gut feeling is that the themes are applicable to our cohort. When looking at things from this perspective, and imagining if my own kid was exhibiting this same mindset/attitude interacting with me in my own old age, I become much more empathetic for my parents feelings/positions when it comes to these subjects. Again, I can't hope to understand your family situation in any depth via typed text over an online forum, but I can't help but feel the sentiment that your parents are really expressing through "I put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, and that's all you should want" is that they are sorely in need of some degree of gratitude for everything they've done for you. I know you have expressed that gratitude before - but I think its something we should return to time and time again. That you recognize the challenges and struggles they overcame so that you all would have a much better life.