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Men should work on themselves (gym, purpose, income, friends, hobbies), go out, and meet women in real life. Being able to date as a capable man in today's soci

Men should work on themselves (gym, purpose, income, friends, hobbies), go out, and meet women in real life. Being able to date as a capable man in today's society is hard. You have to be a lot of things and be constantly working on yourself. I have some theories as to why this is, but it's the truth. The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I'm not stating this to brag but only for context: I get many concurrent matches when I'm on dating apps. I'm wealthy, pretty good looking (but short which is a big hit), and have a lot of hobbies and am in good shape. Overall, I'd say I get ~100x more matches than most guys and actually have girls who slide into my DMs on Twitter and Instagram. I still deleted all of the apps because I'd rather meet women in real life and I'm way happier and suggest all guys do the same for their mental health. Online dating doesn't compare to real life. Not saying it can't happen (my ex-ex-girlfriend and I met on Hinge and it was great), but it's just not the same. I find I can meet higher-quality women in real life because I can show up with full energy and depth and showcase confidence in a way that's impossible when she's looking at me in a sea of other matches. I also think dating apps are a bad deal for women as well. They meet a bunch of men who will sleep with them but aren't looking to settle down. It's hard for women to judge the real energy and confidence of a guy online. It's just not a great dynamic for both parties IMO unless you're exclusively looking to hook up (which is fine and people should do what they want).

confidantlake 4y ago
As a guy with extreme anxiety dating apps were life changing in a good way for me. I could put in a lot of effort into the looks aspect: gym mainly, but also clothes and professional photos. Then I could message and get comfortable and "know" the person before meeting them in real life. I had zero success in real life. I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. But I can definitely understand why they wouldn't be perfect for most.
- vhiremath4 4y ago
  Love this. Hoping you conquer your social anxiety over time though. Not just for dating but for yourself! I can understand btw - was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics from a young age and had to figure out how to live without them. Shit is hard.
  - confidantlake 4y ago
    Thank you for the kind words! Shit is hard. I am happily married so hopefully will never have to return to the dating pool :). Don't think I will ever conquer it, but I have learned to live with it and it is not bad as it once was. Ironically by accepting it and not trying to fight it, the power it has had over me has diminished. Good luck to you too and I hope you figure out whatever you are dealing with!
    - vhiremath4 4y ago
      Surrender is so powerful. Much love to you and your family!
- vlod 4y ago
  > I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. I was too (and still to a degree am). I once shared a rental with a female socialite. She said she accepts EVERY invitation to go out and suggested I do the same. Getting used to being around people and being in awkward situations where you have to talk to randoms will develop calluses. It is a skill you can develop by just practice. (public speaking is another example). I look forward to talking to you in a random party! :)
  - confidantlake 4y ago
    I am glad to hear :) Looking forward to it too!
  - andrewflnr 4y ago
    It must be nice getting invitations to go out.
    - vlod 4y ago
      Obviously one needs to expand their friend network. Sitting at home watching Netflix all evening and doom scrolling won't get you invites.
      - andrewflnr 4y ago
        You're making a number of assumptions about me which are all hilariously wrong.
        deleted 4y ago
        [deleted]
    - muttled 4y ago
      I have a lot of luck texting people "is anything fun going on this weekend?"
  - amf12 4y ago
    +1 to this. I had crippling social anxiety. Working with a therapist, I tried out exposure therapy - which was basically going out of your comfort zone more often. It definitely helped with my social anxiety.
rhodorhoades 4y ago
Coming from a guy who probably has “Forbes 30 under 30” in his tinder bio.
- vhiremath4 4y ago
  I didn’t but whatever helps you justify reality.
- notart666 4y ago
  Seeing how many followers his Twitter has and other metrics the 30 under 30 list is still as useless as I remember it being. I wonder how much money his parents had to spend to help him look like this. Even then he gives off the vibes of someone desperate it's probably why he uses it so frequently. Can't find any real form of connection with others yet doesn't understand his own problems and why women find him so unappealing. A real life click bait but that's what gets the most attention on these sites instead of any real form of human connection, though physical appearances do play a big role. So does a lot of things like proximity and well personality.
  - vhiremath4 4y ago
    My parents are not well off. I made money, took debt out on my own to go to college, and helped them retire actually. I agree 30u30 is a useless list.
    - notart666 4y ago
      This is actually one of the most common self made stories people make up. It could be real but from what I've seen in the VC world it never is
- fxtentacle 4y ago
  That almost reads like an ad-hominem attack against someone whose perception of reality you don't understand. My experience, too, is that the energy of meeting someone in person is much better than "meeting" someone online. Also, it's much easier to qualify if the person you're dating is mentally stable and at ease with themselves if you see them in person. It's way too easy to hide serious character flaws when only chatting online. But for a relationship, they'll be deal-breakers. That means unless you want to waste hours on dates that lead nowhere, you need to quickly meet the other person in-person to do the basic sanity check. Plus there's all that pheromone stuff which is impossible to check for online.
Bubble_Pop_22 4y ago
> The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women I am sorry but this is BS. Mathematically speaking it's impossible. It's the emotional component which makes people feel like perennial underdogs and say abominations like the above. No matter how rich you are you can only bring one girl to a dinner date per night. Even a guy like Dan Bilzerian is on the record saying that a vacation in which he brings more than 8 girls rapidly becomes hell What is true is that the top 1% of males is desired by 90% of women but that is also true the other way around given that men too have become extremely vulnerable to PR , advertisement and the promotional industry in general. So they deeply desire Kim Kardashian even though the college girl next door is probably conventinally hotter considering age and height.
- Cpoll 4y ago
  > Mathematically speaking it's impossible. Only if you assume the "dating pool" is 1:1 men/women. If you take the view that it's 10:1 men/women then that conclusion is "obvious." And at least in the context of Tinder, I have read that the ratio of users leans men.
  - Bubble_Pop_22 4y ago
    It's always 1:1. Dating implies 1:1 dinner. Rappers, actors and people who feel the need to bring 5 or 6 girls on a date, that's so rare that doesn't even merit counting. And also it ends up pretty quick.
    - david38 4y ago
      It doesn't. It hasn't for some years. Dinner is no longer a requirement. Being exclusive is no longer the assumed default.
    - Cpoll 4y ago
      No, I mean the population of the "dating pool." For example, if a "dating pool" consists of 10 men and 1 woman, and the woman enters into a monogamous relationship with one of the men, we can say that "the top 10% of men of this dating pool are dating 100% of the women."
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
emptysongglass 4y ago
I'm also going to offer some advice to the men out there that may hit some people in the soft spot. I apologize in advance but this is some tough love: please, please work on your stamina for when you do end up in bed with that special someone. Ejaculation isn't the finish line and your partner will appreciate you aren't racing off to its little death. I've learned to really enjoy all the other feelings around sex not ejaculating and that has given me a whole new lease on the act and my partners have really, really appreciated that I don't go for 5 to 10 "cum and done". There's tons of methods of training yourself out there. Just Google around. It really helps when dates are thinking if they should keep dating you. And yes, sex isn't everything but good sex sure does help and it's an intrinsic, important part of coupling.
- mandeepj 4y ago
  > please work on your stamina for when you do end up in bed with that special someone. I agree 100% and echo the same. > Just Google around. Google and YouTube will give you pelvis exercises, and that’s “not” the solution. My friends with that syndrome have met therapists and doctors to no avail.
poulsbohemian 4y ago
>The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I've heard these numbers passed around but does anyone have a source for this? I ask in part because my own life experiences and observations match well with your first sentence - a person who works on themselves, IE: has hobbies and activities, has a viable career, etc - will be attractive to someone out there in the world. There is a body size and shape that will appeal to everyone, education and career are negligible as long as you are doing "something" with your life, etc.
- xenospn 4y ago
  I believe it’s based on an okcupid blog post from several years ago.
S6eUL 4y ago
> The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. […] Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I do not believe this to be true just based on what I observe in my social circles. It might be a bit skewed but these numbers sound absurd - do you have any source to back them up? Men and women are not so different.

confidantlake 4y ago

As a guy with extreme anxiety dating apps were life changing in a good way for me. I could put in a lot of effort into the looks aspect: gym mainly, but also clothes and professional photos. Then I could message and get comfortable and "know" the person before meeting them in real life. I had zero success in real life. I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. But I can definitely understand why they wouldn't be perfect for most.

vhiremath4 4y ago
Love this. Hoping you conquer your social anxiety over time though. Not just for dating but for yourself! I can understand btw - was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics from a young age and had to figure out how to live without them. Shit is hard.
- confidantlake 4y ago
  Thank you for the kind words! Shit is hard. I am happily married so hopefully will never have to return to the dating pool :). Don't think I will ever conquer it, but I have learned to live with it and it is not bad as it once was. Ironically by accepting it and not trying to fight it, the power it has had over me has diminished. Good luck to you too and I hope you figure out whatever you are dealing with!
  - vhiremath4 4y ago
    Surrender is so powerful. Much love to you and your family!
vlod 4y ago
> I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. I was too (and still to a degree am). I once shared a rental with a female socialite. She said she accepts EVERY invitation to go out and suggested I do the same. Getting used to being around people and being in awkward situations where you have to talk to randoms will develop calluses. It is a skill you can develop by just practice. (public speaking is another example). I look forward to talking to you in a random party! :)
- confidantlake 4y ago
  I am glad to hear :) Looking forward to it too!
- andrewflnr 4y ago
  It must be nice getting invitations to go out.
  - vlod 4y ago
    Obviously one needs to expand their friend network. Sitting at home watching Netflix all evening and doom scrolling won't get you invites.
    - andrewflnr 4y ago
      You're making a number of assumptions about me which are all hilariously wrong.
      - deleted 4y ago
        [deleted]
  - muttled 4y ago
    I have a lot of luck texting people "is anything fun going on this weekend?"
- amf12 4y ago
  +1 to this. I had crippling social anxiety. Working with a therapist, I tried out exposure therapy - which was basically going out of your comfort zone more often. It definitely helped with my social anxiety.

rhodorhoades 4y ago

Coming from a guy who probably has “Forbes 30 under 30” in his tinder bio.

vhiremath4 4y ago
I didn’t but whatever helps you justify reality.
notart666 4y ago
Seeing how many followers his Twitter has and other metrics the 30 under 30 list is still as useless as I remember it being. I wonder how much money his parents had to spend to help him look like this. Even then he gives off the vibes of someone desperate it's probably why he uses it so frequently. Can't find any real form of connection with others yet doesn't understand his own problems and why women find him so unappealing. A real life click bait but that's what gets the most attention on these sites instead of any real form of human connection, though physical appearances do play a big role. So does a lot of things like proximity and well personality.
- vhiremath4 4y ago
  My parents are not well off. I made money, took debt out on my own to go to college, and helped them retire actually. I agree 30u30 is a useless list.
  - notart666 4y ago
    This is actually one of the most common self made stories people make up. It could be real but from what I've seen in the VC world it never is
fxtentacle 4y ago
That almost reads like an ad-hominem attack against someone whose perception of reality you don't understand. My experience, too, is that the energy of meeting someone in person is much better than "meeting" someone online. Also, it's much easier to qualify if the person you're dating is mentally stable and at ease with themselves if you see them in person. It's way too easy to hide serious character flaws when only chatting online. But for a relationship, they'll be deal-breakers. That means unless you want to waste hours on dates that lead nowhere, you need to quickly meet the other person in-person to do the basic sanity check. Plus there's all that pheromone stuff which is impossible to check for online.

Bubble_Pop_22 4y ago

> The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women I am sorry but this is BS. Mathematically speaking it's impossible. It's the emotional component which makes people feel like perennial underdogs and say abominations like the above. No matter how rich you are you can only bring one girl to a dinner date per night. Even a guy like Dan Bilzerian is on the record saying that a vacation in which he brings more than 8 girls rapidly becomes hell What is true is that the top 1% of males is desired by 90% of women but that is also true the other way around given that men too have become extremely vulnerable to PR , advertisement and the promotional industry in general. So they deeply desire Kim Kardashian even though the college girl next door is probably conventinally hotter considering age and height.

Cpoll 4y ago
> Mathematically speaking it's impossible. Only if you assume the "dating pool" is 1:1 men/women. If you take the view that it's 10:1 men/women then that conclusion is "obvious." And at least in the context of Tinder, I have read that the ratio of users leans men.
- Bubble_Pop_22 4y ago
  It's always 1:1. Dating implies 1:1 dinner. Rappers, actors and people who feel the need to bring 5 or 6 girls on a date, that's so rare that doesn't even merit counting. And also it ends up pretty quick.
  - david38 4y ago
    It doesn't. It hasn't for some years. Dinner is no longer a requirement. Being exclusive is no longer the assumed default.
  - Cpoll 4y ago
    No, I mean the population of the "dating pool." For example, if a "dating pool" consists of 10 men and 1 woman, and the woman enters into a monogamous relationship with one of the men, we can say that "the top 10% of men of this dating pool are dating 100% of the women."

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

emptysongglass 4y ago

I'm also going to offer some advice to the men out there that may hit some people in the soft spot. I apologize in advance but this is some tough love: please, please work on your stamina for when you do end up in bed with that special someone. Ejaculation isn't the finish line and your partner will appreciate you aren't racing off to its little death. I've learned to really enjoy all the other feelings around sex not ejaculating and that has given me a whole new lease on the act and my partners have really, really appreciated that I don't go for 5 to 10 "cum and done". There's tons of methods of training yourself out there. Just Google around. It really helps when dates are thinking if they should keep dating you. And yes, sex isn't everything but good sex sure does help and it's an intrinsic, important part of coupling.

mandeepj 4y ago
> please work on your stamina for when you do end up in bed with that special someone. I agree 100% and echo the same. > Just Google around. Google and YouTube will give you pelvis exercises, and that’s “not” the solution. My friends with that syndrome have met therapists and doctors to no avail.

poulsbohemian 4y ago

>The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I've heard these numbers passed around but does anyone have a source for this? I ask in part because my own life experiences and observations match well with your first sentence - a person who works on themselves, IE: has hobbies and activities, has a viable career, etc - will be attractive to someone out there in the world. There is a body size and shape that will appeal to everyone, education and career are negligible as long as you are doing "something" with your life, etc.

xenospn 4y ago
I believe it’s based on an okcupid blog post from several years ago.

S6eUL 4y ago

> The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. […] Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I do not believe this to be true just based on what I observe in my social circles. It might be a bit skewed but these numbers sound absurd - do you have any source to back them up? Men and women are not so different.