9 ms·

Reading this article as a straight man is like listening to a rich friend complain about how they have too many rooms to decorate in their mansion whilst I stru

Reading this article as a straight man is like listening to a rich friend complain about how they have too many rooms to decorate in their mansion whilst I struggle to make rent in a single bedroom apartment. Particularly this bit >She recommends that app users stop scrolling and talking to other matches once they have found nine people they feel some level of connection with, and dedicate their time to really trying to get to know those people first. Oh, stop at nine? Well I'll let you know when I eventually hit nine concurrent matches. Hasn't happened yet, eight years and counting. I'm sure I'll be able to stop scrolling any year now. It's like reading about a different planet.

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pcbro141 4y ago
These mainstream media articles on dating seem to almost always be completely absent of a man's perspective. Typically focused entirely on the woman's perspective.
- bilbo0s 4y ago
  I know people here won't like to hear this, but it's women who pay the bills in mainstream media. There are a few male dominated verticals. Sports for instance. But for the most part, mainstream media has to be friendly to its consumers, which is mostly women. Again, there are male dominated niches, and if you consume media in those niches you do note a decided male bias to the content.
  - seper8 4y ago
    More likely its due to the fact that people writing about dating are typically women...
- spoonjim 4y ago
  Because women control dating. Women decide what they want and men will go to whatever place and do whatever thing is required to have sex with them.
- postsantum 4y ago
  Because in online dating women are the goods that need to be advertised. Men are customers
vhiremath4 4y ago
Men should work on themselves (gym, purpose, income, friends, hobbies), go out, and meet women in real life. Being able to date as a capable man in today's society is hard. You have to be a lot of things and be constantly working on yourself. I have some theories as to why this is, but it's the truth. The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I'm not stating this to brag but only for context: I get many concurrent matches when I'm on dating apps. I'm wealthy, pretty good looking (but short which is a big hit), and have a lot of hobbies and am in good shape. Overall, I'd say I get ~100x more matches than most guys and actually have girls who slide into my DMs on Twitter and Instagram. I still deleted all of the apps because I'd rather meet women in real life and I'm way happier and suggest all guys do the same for their mental health. Online dating doesn't compare to real life. Not saying it can't happen (my ex-ex-girlfriend and I met on Hinge and it was great), but it's just not the same. I find I can meet higher-quality women in real life because I can show up with full energy and depth and showcase confidence in a way that's impossible when she's looking at me in a sea of other matches. I also think dating apps are a bad deal for women as well. They meet a bunch of men who will sleep with them but aren't looking to settle down. It's hard for women to judge the real energy and confidence of a guy online. It's just not a great dynamic for both parties IMO unless you're exclusively looking to hook up (which is fine and people should do what they want).
- confidantlake 4y ago
  As a guy with extreme anxiety dating apps were life changing in a good way for me. I could put in a lot of effort into the looks aspect: gym mainly, but also clothes and professional photos. Then I could message and get comfortable and "know" the person before meeting them in real life. I had zero success in real life. I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. But I can definitely understand why they wouldn't be perfect for most.
  - vhiremath4 4y ago
    Love this. Hoping you conquer your social anxiety over time though. Not just for dating but for yourself! I can understand btw - was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics from a young age and had to figure out how to live without them. Shit is hard.
spoonjim 4y ago
If you want a relationship take everything lower priority than a relationship, transfer all that time to 50% the gym and 50% to going to physical places where you can talk to real women in meatspace.
- DontchaKnowit 4y ago
  Okay straight up: where tf does one go to meet people in person? Like I just don't understand the scenario here? Post college, it just feels like online data is the only real option.
  - m463 4y ago
    I think you might want to try meetup activities. That said, you want to target the underachievers, not the people who are seriously doing the activities. http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf
    - LorenPechtel 4y ago
      While I'm not on the market I have observed a problem with the meetup approach: I hike. I've met multiple people out there who see it as a way to meet the opposite sex. Oops--every man I've met doing this is in male-dominated groups, every woman I've met doing this is in female-dominated groups. Difficulty levels, not sexism.
  - spoonjim 4y ago
    The grocery store. The bus stop. The town hearing on a shopping mall operator asking for a permit to cut down four trees. A coffee shop. Fuckin' anywhere!
  - fxtentacle 4y ago
    Thing is, if you're looking happy and you have something interesting to say and you can listen to others sharing their story, then I wouldn't know any place where you don't meet people. But here's some suggestions: bus stops, the park next to a bakery, library if you like books, art classes, sports events, museums, opera, larp if you like costumes, some cafes and cinemas have singles events, boat tours, zoo I'd advise against clubs, beaches, or sauna if you don't feel confident yet, because those locations are unnecessary difficult. And basically any place where something predictable happens that you and other people can stop and look at and talk about is easy. Like if you stand next to a construction site, girls who want to talk to you will have an obvious topic to initiate the conversation with.
fxtentacle 4y ago
Don't worry about it. It only means that your (purely online, purely digital) presentation in your dating profile isn't as good as it could be. But whether they like your profile text is almost uncorrelated to the fact whether the same women would enjoy spending time with you in real life. Plus there's ghostwriters, photoshop, and other services to fix your profile if you really want to. Or did you expect others to actually look in real-life like they look in their photoshopped Face-app-ed Tinder pictures? In that case, you've been comparing yourself to other people's aspirational advertising. There's a reason why even for models the RAW files of their photo-shoots are under NDA. The most contagious stuff in the world is genuine excitement and happiness. And I'd put pheromones at a close 2nd. But both only work if you do some social group activity in-person with others. In my opinion, social media and online dating exist purely to agree on date/time/location to meet in person.
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at_a_remove 4y ago
They would explode if you told them that this, too, was that "privilege" they like to go on about.
bongoman37 4y ago

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pcbro141 4y ago

These mainstream media articles on dating seem to almost always be completely absent of a man's perspective. Typically focused entirely on the woman's perspective.

bilbo0s 4y ago
I know people here won't like to hear this, but it's women who pay the bills in mainstream media. There are a few male dominated verticals. Sports for instance. But for the most part, mainstream media has to be friendly to its consumers, which is mostly women. Again, there are male dominated niches, and if you consume media in those niches you do note a decided male bias to the content.
- seper8 4y ago
  More likely its due to the fact that people writing about dating are typically women...
spoonjim 4y ago
Because women control dating. Women decide what they want and men will go to whatever place and do whatever thing is required to have sex with them.
postsantum 4y ago
Because in online dating women are the goods that need to be advertised. Men are customers

vhiremath4 4y ago

Men should work on themselves (gym, purpose, income, friends, hobbies), go out, and meet women in real life. Being able to date as a capable man in today's society is hard. You have to be a lot of things and be constantly working on yourself. I have some theories as to why this is, but it's the truth. The top 10% of men in the dating pool end up dating 80% of the women. Most men have no dating or sexual prospects at all - it's very binary. I'm not stating this to brag but only for context: I get many concurrent matches when I'm on dating apps. I'm wealthy, pretty good looking (but short which is a big hit), and have a lot of hobbies and am in good shape. Overall, I'd say I get ~100x more matches than most guys and actually have girls who slide into my DMs on Twitter and Instagram. I still deleted all of the apps because I'd rather meet women in real life and I'm way happier and suggest all guys do the same for their mental health. Online dating doesn't compare to real life. Not saying it can't happen (my ex-ex-girlfriend and I met on Hinge and it was great), but it's just not the same. I find I can meet higher-quality women in real life because I can show up with full energy and depth and showcase confidence in a way that's impossible when she's looking at me in a sea of other matches. I also think dating apps are a bad deal for women as well. They meet a bunch of men who will sleep with them but aren't looking to settle down. It's hard for women to judge the real energy and confidence of a guy online. It's just not a great dynamic for both parties IMO unless you're exclusively looking to hook up (which is fine and people should do what they want).

confidantlake 4y ago
As a guy with extreme anxiety dating apps were life changing in a good way for me. I could put in a lot of effort into the looks aspect: gym mainly, but also clothes and professional photos. Then I could message and get comfortable and "know" the person before meeting them in real life. I had zero success in real life. I am far too anxious and socially inept to handle that. But I can definitely understand why they wouldn't be perfect for most.
- vhiremath4 4y ago
  Love this. Hoping you conquer your social anxiety over time though. Not just for dating but for yourself! I can understand btw - was prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics from a young age and had to figure out how to live without them. Shit is hard.

spoonjim 4y ago

If you want a relationship take everything lower priority than a relationship, transfer all that time to 50% the gym and 50% to going to physical places where you can talk to real women in meatspace.

DontchaKnowit 4y ago
Okay straight up: where tf does one go to meet people in person? Like I just don't understand the scenario here? Post college, it just feels like online data is the only real option.
- m463 4y ago
  I think you might want to try meetup activities. That said, you want to target the underachievers, not the people who are seriously doing the activities. http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf
  - LorenPechtel 4y ago
    While I'm not on the market I have observed a problem with the meetup approach: I hike. I've met multiple people out there who see it as a way to meet the opposite sex. Oops--every man I've met doing this is in male-dominated groups, every woman I've met doing this is in female-dominated groups. Difficulty levels, not sexism.
- spoonjim 4y ago
  The grocery store. The bus stop. The town hearing on a shopping mall operator asking for a permit to cut down four trees. A coffee shop. Fuckin' anywhere!
- fxtentacle 4y ago
  Thing is, if you're looking happy and you have something interesting to say and you can listen to others sharing their story, then I wouldn't know any place where you don't meet people. But here's some suggestions: bus stops, the park next to a bakery, library if you like books, art classes, sports events, museums, opera, larp if you like costumes, some cafes and cinemas have singles events, boat tours, zoo I'd advise against clubs, beaches, or sauna if you don't feel confident yet, because those locations are unnecessary difficult. And basically any place where something predictable happens that you and other people can stop and look at and talk about is easy. Like if you stand next to a construction site, girls who want to talk to you will have an obvious topic to initiate the conversation with.

fxtentacle 4y ago

Don't worry about it. It only means that your (purely online, purely digital) presentation in your dating profile isn't as good as it could be. But whether they like your profile text is almost uncorrelated to the fact whether the same women would enjoy spending time with you in real life. Plus there's ghostwriters, photoshop, and other services to fix your profile if you really want to. Or did you expect others to actually look in real-life like they look in their photoshopped Face-app-ed Tinder pictures? In that case, you've been comparing yourself to other people's aspirational advertising. There's a reason why even for models the RAW files of their photo-shoots are under NDA. The most contagious stuff in the world is genuine excitement and happiness. And I'd put pheromones at a close 2nd. But both only work if you do some social group activity in-person with others. In my opinion, social media and online dating exist purely to agree on date/time/location to meet in person.

deleted 4y ago

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at_a_remove 4y ago

They would explode if you told them that this, too, was that "privilege" they like to go on about.

bongoman37 4y ago