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I'd like to join the "congratulations" crowd but I just can't. Having a kid has made many aspects of my life more difficult and ultimately worse. I've lost coun

I'd like to join the "congratulations" crowd but I just can't. Having a kid has made many aspects of my life more difficult and ultimately worse. I've lost countless hours of sleep, my focus is worse, my personal relationships are failing... life is just not as good as it used to be. I have been remote for nearly a decade and I long for the days of working in an office again. I don't miss the people, I miss the peace of having everyone around me working with noise canceling headphones and only knowing people are there when they make it obvious they want to talk and only then because there's a problem to solve that is actually solvable. I'm not saying his to rain on your parade. I'm saying this because not all people are created equal. You don't have to like parenthood. I love my kid but that doesn't mean that I love what I've become. If you find yourself there (or if anyone else is reading this and thinking they can't believe I'm saying it out loud), it's okay. You can still be a good parent, even if you don't love it and you're not a bad person, as long as you try.

kickout 4y ago
Yea, I know this feeling. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Absolutely a ton of work and many sacrifices involved
- igetspam 4y ago
  I would absolutely kill and die for my partner and my kid but I have the latter because I desperately wanted the former and it was part of the contract. It was the price I had to be willing to pay and I would choose it again.
KennyFromIT 4y ago
Hang in there buddy, it gets better.
- igetspam 4y ago
  I come from a large family. My kid is five. I disagree. Some people like this life. I just don't see the draw. I find comments like this rather condescending. I don't have to enjoy it. It's okay. That was my point. I'm a good parent because I'm committed to it and that's enough.
  - throwaway6734 4y ago
    Thank you for making the sacrifice for your child. They wouldn't be here without the consistent work you put in. It might not be your ideal life but it is what it is and I have a lot of respect for your continued commitment
ccleve 4y ago
It sounds like your problem isn't having a kid, it's not having a separate, quiet space to work. You can't do work that requires concentration with a small child in the house, you just can't. If you have a spouse or a relative or a baby sitter who can do child care for a few hours a day, then please go elsewhere. It will make you feel so much better when you can actually get something done. It will do wonders for your mental health.
- igetspam 4y ago
  That does sound like a good assumption but unfortunately it's inaccurate. I genuinely don't like parenthood. I don't like negotiating with a child. I don't the mess. I don't like noise. I don't like cutting my day short because it's dinner time. I generally don't like being a dependency and not having freedom of mobility. Parenthood didn't solve anything for me except that I got the partner I wanted. FWIW, my office is and always has been isolated from the main part of the house, if not entirely detached.
  - jcpst 4y ago
    Right, it’s a perspective thing. I think your perspective is not wrong, but wanted to provide another for those reading: It’s good to remember kids aren’t just short adults. They are irrational, creative, come up with strange assumptions… Also good to remember that kids don’t choose to be born, or who their parents are, or where they live. It’s also good to learn a bit of child psychology along the way. And to truly listen. All that stuff you mentioned- the negotiating, the crazy constant messes, getting dinner on the table… It sucks. But it only sucks when I’m living in the imaginary world in my head, which is not reality. I can think of all sorts of things I would do if I wasn’t a parent. In the real world, I have kids, and I make the choice to be here for them. I don’t know about anyone else here, but my Dad really sucked at being a father.
peter422 4y ago
I both dislike being a parent, occasionally dislike my child, yet love my child and am happy to be a parent. Though a lot of this is because I have a lot of friends with children around the same age and complaining brings me a lot of joy. So I'd strongly recommend finding some fellow parents to chat with as you go (and unfortunately you'll find people without children to be living in a different universe).
- xupybd 4y ago
  I've been in that different universe for a while. I'm in my very late 30s so most of my friends have had kids for most of the last decade.
  - igetspam 4y ago
    If I knew at 30 what I know now, I'd have ensured I stayed in that universe. That was a great place. Enjoy it!
pdmccormick 4y ago
I’m sorry to hear this, and you’re not alone (I’ve been WFH with young kids for half a decade so far). I know that feeling of pulling your hair out because the house is so _alive_ and distracting. Would you have any opportunity to go to a quiet workspace, a public library, a coffee shop, or return to an office part time? Best of luck to you.
- igetspam 4y ago
  I am separated from the house by many doors. Work life balance is only a small part of what I don't enjoy.
mrslave 4y ago
I don't know what life is like where you live but working at a library might solve your need for a group-quiet-focus space. You might also find networking with locals an improvement at the local church or school parent's committee? Among my friends those who wanted to be parents are amazingly fulfilled, albeit sometimes tired and stressed. They are also focused and ruthlessly prioritizing, and still get a lot of the most significant things they want to done. Those who fell pregnant through questionable life decisions are mostly less fulfilled with a couple of happy accidents thrown in the mix. Most of them do not have children however. Civilization thanks you for your service (assuming you do it properly).
- igetspam 4y ago
  I've had an entire building to myself. I guess I made too much of a comment about working from home. We did not have a kid through any mistake. There was an understanding. Sometimes you do things you don't like to get what you want. Civilization would be better off with fewer people, not more. That's a weird thing to say. I thought my point was clear but I guess not. Enjoying being a parent is not a requirement. Good on you, if you do. If all you do is try hard and don't F them up, that's good too. It's not said enough but not everyone likes kids or parenthood and you don't have to feel alone or bad. It's ok.
  - xupybd 4y ago
    > Civilization would be better off with fewer people, not more. That's a weird thing to say. This seems to be a major point of contention today. I suspect the belief that the world is better off with either more or less people underlies many disagreements in political policy.
    - igetspam 4y ago
      You may be right but my position here hasn't changed over the decades, while my politics generally have. :)
  - peter422 4y ago
    I'll just say good for you for putting in the work. I think I accept the struggle with more positivity than you do (because I actively wanted to have kids), but it's still a struggle. People have tried to make me feel bad about it but that doesn't bother me either. I can feel how I want as long as I'm being a good parent for my children.
Daneel_ 4y ago
This summarises my own experience very well. I absolutely love my kids, but parenting has been extremely tough. I really don't enjoy it, and feel like it's ruined my life too. I'm less productive both at work and at home because I have no energy and no free time. I never get to refill my energy tank, so to speak. While I know the fun things will come back as the kids get older and become more independent (or want to take part in my interests with me), I can tell that it's going to take a long time before things return to a degree of normalcy. An example of this is that I used to game with my wife most nights - now I couldn't name the last time this happened. We're both too exhausted by the time we finally get free time around 10-11pm. I also used to do dirt bike riding with my wife - it'll be several years before we can all go and do that. I miss being able to come home from work and relax too. Now it's just different work once I'm home. It's relentless and exhausting, and while I love my kids I wouldn't choose to do it if I had my time over again. Quick edit - I should add that I give 100% to parenting my kids. I chose to go down this path with my wife and I make sure that my kids don't suffer for my displeasure. They're awesome people and have a great life. I just sorely miss my free time and my ability to be productive at work.
theshadowmonkey 4y ago
Something I experienced with a relatively young kid(2 years) and staying home and watching her grow up was really nice. But, I rethink or feel regret when she is sick crying all night and my head is pounding. I realized this feeling quickly goes away and you'll only remember the good moments with your kids and learn to love them unconditionally.

kickout 4y ago

Yea, I know this feeling. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Absolutely a ton of work and many sacrifices involved

igetspam 4y ago
I would absolutely kill and die for my partner and my kid but I have the latter because I desperately wanted the former and it was part of the contract. It was the price I had to be willing to pay and I would choose it again.

KennyFromIT 4y ago

Hang in there buddy, it gets better.

igetspam 4y ago
I come from a large family. My kid is five. I disagree. Some people like this life. I just don't see the draw. I find comments like this rather condescending. I don't have to enjoy it. It's okay. That was my point. I'm a good parent because I'm committed to it and that's enough.
- throwaway6734 4y ago
  Thank you for making the sacrifice for your child. They wouldn't be here without the consistent work you put in. It might not be your ideal life but it is what it is and I have a lot of respect for your continued commitment

ccleve 4y ago

It sounds like your problem isn't having a kid, it's not having a separate, quiet space to work. You can't do work that requires concentration with a small child in the house, you just can't. If you have a spouse or a relative or a baby sitter who can do child care for a few hours a day, then please go elsewhere. It will make you feel so much better when you can actually get something done. It will do wonders for your mental health.

igetspam 4y ago
That does sound like a good assumption but unfortunately it's inaccurate. I genuinely don't like parenthood. I don't like negotiating with a child. I don't the mess. I don't like noise. I don't like cutting my day short because it's dinner time. I generally don't like being a dependency and not having freedom of mobility. Parenthood didn't solve anything for me except that I got the partner I wanted. FWIW, my office is and always has been isolated from the main part of the house, if not entirely detached.
- jcpst 4y ago
  Right, it’s a perspective thing. I think your perspective is not wrong, but wanted to provide another for those reading: It’s good to remember kids aren’t just short adults. They are irrational, creative, come up with strange assumptions… Also good to remember that kids don’t choose to be born, or who their parents are, or where they live. It’s also good to learn a bit of child psychology along the way. And to truly listen. All that stuff you mentioned- the negotiating, the crazy constant messes, getting dinner on the table… It sucks. But it only sucks when I’m living in the imaginary world in my head, which is not reality. I can think of all sorts of things I would do if I wasn’t a parent. In the real world, I have kids, and I make the choice to be here for them. I don’t know about anyone else here, but my Dad really sucked at being a father.

peter422 4y ago

I both dislike being a parent, occasionally dislike my child, yet love my child and am happy to be a parent. Though a lot of this is because I have a lot of friends with children around the same age and complaining brings me a lot of joy. So I'd strongly recommend finding some fellow parents to chat with as you go (and unfortunately you'll find people without children to be living in a different universe).

xupybd 4y ago
I've been in that different universe for a while. I'm in my very late 30s so most of my friends have had kids for most of the last decade.
- igetspam 4y ago
  If I knew at 30 what I know now, I'd have ensured I stayed in that universe. That was a great place. Enjoy it!

pdmccormick 4y ago

I’m sorry to hear this, and you’re not alone (I’ve been WFH with young kids for half a decade so far). I know that feeling of pulling your hair out because the house is so _alive_ and distracting. Would you have any opportunity to go to a quiet workspace, a public library, a coffee shop, or return to an office part time? Best of luck to you.

igetspam 4y ago
I am separated from the house by many doors. Work life balance is only a small part of what I don't enjoy.

mrslave 4y ago

I don't know what life is like where you live but working at a library might solve your need for a group-quiet-focus space. You might also find networking with locals an improvement at the local church or school parent's committee? Among my friends those who wanted to be parents are amazingly fulfilled, albeit sometimes tired and stressed. They are also focused and ruthlessly prioritizing, and still get a lot of the most significant things they want to done. Those who fell pregnant through questionable life decisions are mostly less fulfilled with a couple of happy accidents thrown in the mix. Most of them do not have children however. Civilization thanks you for your service (assuming you do it properly).

igetspam 4y ago
I've had an entire building to myself. I guess I made too much of a comment about working from home. We did not have a kid through any mistake. There was an understanding. Sometimes you do things you don't like to get what you want. Civilization would be better off with fewer people, not more. That's a weird thing to say. I thought my point was clear but I guess not. Enjoying being a parent is not a requirement. Good on you, if you do. If all you do is try hard and don't F them up, that's good too. It's not said enough but not everyone likes kids or parenthood and you don't have to feel alone or bad. It's ok.
- xupybd 4y ago
  > Civilization would be better off with fewer people, not more. That's a weird thing to say. This seems to be a major point of contention today. I suspect the belief that the world is better off with either more or less people underlies many disagreements in political policy.
  - igetspam 4y ago
    You may be right but my position here hasn't changed over the decades, while my politics generally have. :)
- peter422 4y ago
  I'll just say good for you for putting in the work. I think I accept the struggle with more positivity than you do (because I actively wanted to have kids), but it's still a struggle. People have tried to make me feel bad about it but that doesn't bother me either. I can feel how I want as long as I'm being a good parent for my children.

Daneel_ 4y ago

This summarises my own experience very well. I absolutely love my kids, but parenting has been extremely tough. I really don't enjoy it, and feel like it's ruined my life too. I'm less productive both at work and at home because I have no energy and no free time. I never get to refill my energy tank, so to speak. While I know the fun things will come back as the kids get older and become more independent (or want to take part in my interests with me), I can tell that it's going to take a long time before things return to a degree of normalcy. An example of this is that I used to game with my wife most nights - now I couldn't name the last time this happened. We're both too exhausted by the time we finally get free time around 10-11pm. I also used to do dirt bike riding with my wife - it'll be several years before we can all go and do that. I miss being able to come home from work and relax too. Now it's just different work once I'm home. It's relentless and exhausting, and while I love my kids I wouldn't choose to do it if I had my time over again. Quick edit - I should add that I give 100% to parenting my kids. I chose to go down this path with my wife and I make sure that my kids don't suffer for my displeasure. They're awesome people and have a great life. I just sorely miss my free time and my ability to be productive at work.

theshadowmonkey 4y ago

Something I experienced with a relatively young kid(2 years) and staying home and watching her grow up was really nice. But, I rethink or feel regret when she is sick crying all night and my head is pounding. I realized this feeling quickly goes away and you'll only remember the good moments with your kids and learn to love them unconditionally.