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I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate

I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. We have a budget and try to stick to it and have occasional vacations or upgrade something in the house. When it comes to finances we are a single unit and we will remain that once she earns a full time salary as well. If I get a big raise or promotion my wife is excited not jealous and I have never felt like she was using “my” money.

aprdm 4y ago
Yeah similar situation here... it was just never an issue or a conversation really.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
EtienneK 4y ago
Yup, same here. Pool all your money and don’t care who it came from.
andrewl-hn 4y ago
Similar situation in our household. The only potential issue that could have come up is if one of us would have to relocate due to a potential career move and the other would have to follow and potentially hurt their own career. But due to the rise of remote work in recent years I doubt this would ever come up.
willio58 4y ago
Love this in concept, but life turns out to be complicated over the long term. It's easy to say it's "our" money when you both agree on the same goals and life trajectory, but people have a propensity for change. In 10 years, what if your life goals start diverging? Will it still be "our" money? This isn't a personal question for you, but more something to consider even for myself. I love simplicity and I love trust. But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent. That all being said, I recognize that sometimes overthinking or planning for the worst can be a form of self-sabotage. By you trusting your partner with the things most important to you, including money, you are creating a stronger bond by laying it all out on the table and working as a single unit towards your life goals.
- countfalafel 4y ago
  Consider that even if a married couple maintain strictly separate accounts, negotiate with one another about how much of each partners' money should be spent on this or that expenditure, and live separate financial lives, in a lot of places it's still all marital property. So in the event of the (very real and frequent) diverging life goals you raise, all the hardball they played with each other doesn't even matter. I don't have the password to your bank account where you keep "your" cash, but just wait until I call my lawyer to claw back my half of our marital property!
- tremon 4y ago
  To me it doesn't look like you're describing money problems specifically, but marriage problems in general. If you and your partner no longer agree on the same goals and life trajectory, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. When you start squabbling over details such as who owns what or who earns what, that's probably a symptom that there's deeper issues at play. That's not to say that every re-evaluation should lead to a breakup. But I think not acknowledging that drift and fighting over the symptoms probably leads to worse outcomes than openly addressing the bigger issue.
- Youden 4y ago
  > But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent. I know everybody is different but the key for my relationship with my wife has been open communication. There's a clear pattern for us: when we don't talk about a problem, we end up getting upset with each other, but when we do talk about the problem, we come to an understanding and everything is fine. Another key is that we love each other and if we disagree on something, we're both willing to find compromise. There are a few big issues where a compromise might not be viable, like having kids or where to live (we're from two very distant countries), but we made sure we agreed on those pretty early on. My point here is that I don't think age is the solution. Relationships are work. It can't all just be fun and games, you need to talk each other about stuff, build up trust that doing so is safe and be willing to compromise for each other. This is work and without it, the relationship might very well fall apart.
countfalafel 4y ago
This seems like the healthiest approach I've seen so far in the thread. Honestly surprised hearing about managing incentives, and accounting for this and that. My wife and I also just have one big pot of money. We budget and spend from shared accounts and financial services. We talk through major financial moves (investments/purchases) before either executes. I cannot imagine having my life this intimately entwined with someone else, but then carving out our finances as something to keep separate and negotiate over.
downut 4y ago
42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick of her job, and FINALLY, I have got a FAANG free idea that I feel confident about launching as a business. Oh christ have they crowded out so many things. As soon as this idea is break-even, with upward trajectory, she's quitting and becoming the support person. Hard agree from me. Everybody we have ever known over those 42 years who partitioned the pot: divorce. It's just money. Why would you do that? Why is money more important than your spouse? (I'm replying in complete agreement, if it's not clear.)
- telman17 4y ago
  Congrats on 42 years! I look forward to being able to say the same.
- readthenotes1 4y ago
  We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise
  - downut 4y ago
    Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened. I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model because each of us had so little, then.
    - silisili 4y ago
      Add me as a data point. Wife kept overdrawing account, split finances, divorce. All within like 3 years.
ryandrake 4y ago
That's the simplest way. Honestly the whole "my money, your money" thing, with separate accounts, and you pay for this, and I pay for that, and oh i can't buy groceries with your money and vice versa, it just seems so... unnecessarily exhausting. When we got married, that's basically entering into an agreement that says we're one entity. So we just treat everything we own as owning it together. If we were ever to divorce, the State of California would treat everything we own as owning it together, so why complicate things with three bank accounts and negotiating and borrowing and who pays for what? And before you say, oh that's easy if you make equal salaries, ours is a single income household, and it still works fine.
- scarface74 4y ago
  I’ve been married for 10 years we manage our separate accounts. But they are all joint accounts. She has “her” bills and I have “my” bills. Those are just bills we take responsibility for. When she was working, I transferred money to “her” account when needed to pay “her” bills. We also have a separate account for “household” spending like groceries. I deposited money into that account when I got paid. But she manages it. If she wants me to pick up groceries out of the account. She would give me a list and either she or I would transfer the money to “my” account.
  - capableweb 4y ago
    Instead of transferring money back and forward, why not have one account that is "our" money that both of you spend from?
    - scarface74 4y ago
      That defeats the whole purpose of separate accounts. I know exactly how much I can spend at any given time just by looking at my account. It’s the lack of needing to coordinate anything. I know that the only way that money will leave that account is if I spend it. We see each other’s accounts so it isn’t secret.
      - 4y ago
XorNot 4y ago
This is what we do too. Once we bought a house and functionally drained our bank accounts we took that as the moment to open all new joint accounts to make tracking our income and spending easier and make the common pool explicit.
0xbadc0de5 4y ago
We're also one pot. Similar situation to the OP - I'm making what most would consider a very respectable income yet my wife still earns 2x my total comp (she didn't get the memo about the glass ceiling either). Although I've had previous windfalls that level the field a bit. Jealousy and territorial attitudes have never entered our minds. We're a team and support each other - my success is her success and vice-versa. We have the same financial priorities and similar spending habits - we live well within our means and consult each other on large purchases. There is no 'my money', there is only 'our money.'
Fire-Dragon-DoL 4y ago
My wife is my wife and every dollar I earn is 50% hers (same the other way). If divorce has to come my way, reality is we always lived with the assumption that everything is split by 50%. We talk to each other when spending money on lavish things,which is actually a good sanity check
wkdneidbwf 4y ago
this is the way. a couple is a team, not a contest.
KingOfCoders 4y ago
15 years with one pot of money. I've earned much more when I was an executive and my wife was working in PR, then she founded a startup and sold it to a competitor, so she earned a lot more, now I'm a CTO coach and she writes books, so I earn more. I struggled the first two weeks with the decision because before I could do whatever I wanted with my money, but never regretted it, very happy, never was an issue since. When we go to diner with friends, who have a discussion who is paying, I always feel glad we don't have that.
KronisLV 4y ago
> I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. This probably works nicely if you find the right person - someone who has both spending habits that are reasonably similar to yours and when the relationship itself is stable. But what about situations where: - one of the people is more frugal than the other, quite possibly with the other person spending money lavishly on wants, not needs? - the relationship may fall apart (breaking up or divorce), either due to different personalities, life circumstances or other factors? Personally I think that joint finances are rather risky in all but the more stable and long term relationships.
- aprdm 4y ago
  What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None And about the first one.. I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. IMO seems pretty hard to be aligned on world views when someone is more frugal and the others love fancy stuff.
  - KronisLV 4y ago
    > What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None Depends on the country and local laws, I'd wager. Regardless, it's probably a good idea especially before a marriage has happened, though lots of people rush into getting married nowadays. > I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. The fact of the matter is that some things can reveal themselves later in the relationship and having joined finances too quickly is probably a mistake. The hard part is that you can't really gauge when you have the other person figured out, e.g. the whole "rose tinted glasses" period that may drag on long into the relationship.
giantg2 4y ago
That system really only works well if you have similar views and habits related to how the money is spent. Or if you have so much that inefficient spending isn't a concern.
giaour 4y ago
How does this work for "specialty" savings accounts like 401Ks and HSAs (which are typically set up for an individual by their employer)? Does each one of you list the other as the sole beneficiary of each account, or have you been able to make those joint accounts as well?
bradknowles 4y ago
I met the woman who is now my wife back when I was working at AOL in the mid-90s. She was working as a lawyer at the Securities and Exchange Commission. One year I got a big payout from cashing in stock options, and that ended up going to pay off her student loans. But except for that year, she has always made more money than I have -- for most of that time, if you compare her worst year against my best one, she still made like 3x what I made. We have one main account we both use, and we make sure it's always got enough money in it that we don't have to worry about accidentally bouncing a check. We have set limits on how much either of us can spend without talking to the other person. And we don't really fight over money.

aprdm 4y ago

Yeah similar situation here... it was just never an issue or a conversation really.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]

EtienneK 4y ago

Yup, same here. Pool all your money and don’t care who it came from.

andrewl-hn 4y ago

Similar situation in our household. The only potential issue that could have come up is if one of us would have to relocate due to a potential career move and the other would have to follow and potentially hurt their own career. But due to the rise of remote work in recent years I doubt this would ever come up.

willio58 4y ago

Love this in concept, but life turns out to be complicated over the long term. It's easy to say it's "our" money when you both agree on the same goals and life trajectory, but people have a propensity for change. In 10 years, what if your life goals start diverging? Will it still be "our" money? This isn't a personal question for you, but more something to consider even for myself. I love simplicity and I love trust. But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent. That all being said, I recognize that sometimes overthinking or planning for the worst can be a form of self-sabotage. By you trusting your partner with the things most important to you, including money, you are creating a stronger bond by laying it all out on the table and working as a single unit towards your life goals.

countfalafel 4y ago
Consider that even if a married couple maintain strictly separate accounts, negotiate with one another about how much of each partners' money should be spent on this or that expenditure, and live separate financial lives, in a lot of places it's still all marital property. So in the event of the (very real and frequent) diverging life goals you raise, all the hardball they played with each other doesn't even matter. I don't have the password to your bank account where you keep "your" cash, but just wait until I call my lawyer to claw back my half of our marital property!
tremon 4y ago
To me it doesn't look like you're describing money problems specifically, but marriage problems in general. If you and your partner no longer agree on the same goals and life trajectory, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. When you start squabbling over details such as who owns what or who earns what, that's probably a symptom that there's deeper issues at play. That's not to say that every re-evaluation should lead to a breakup. But I think not acknowledging that drift and fighting over the symptoms probably leads to worse outcomes than openly addressing the bigger issue.
Youden 4y ago
> But through the years I've experienced relationships that transform from pure love and admiration to pure confusion and being on completely different pages. This may be because I'm young, and maybe relationships become more straightforward later in life. But something tells me people never become less complicated, maybe they just become more complacent. I know everybody is different but the key for my relationship with my wife has been open communication. There's a clear pattern for us: when we don't talk about a problem, we end up getting upset with each other, but when we do talk about the problem, we come to an understanding and everything is fine. Another key is that we love each other and if we disagree on something, we're both willing to find compromise. There are a few big issues where a compromise might not be viable, like having kids or where to live (we're from two very distant countries), but we made sure we agreed on those pretty early on. My point here is that I don't think age is the solution. Relationships are work. It can't all just be fun and games, you need to talk each other about stuff, build up trust that doing so is safe and be willing to compromise for each other. This is work and without it, the relationship might very well fall apart.

countfalafel 4y ago

This seems like the healthiest approach I've seen so far in the thread. Honestly surprised hearing about managing incentives, and accounting for this and that. My wife and I also just have one big pot of money. We budget and spend from shared accounts and financial services. We talk through major financial moves (investments/purchases) before either executes. I cannot imagine having my life this intimately entwined with someone else, but then carving out our finances as something to keep separate and negotiate over.

downut 4y ago

42 years in and it is still one pot of money. My wife makes the money now, and has for 15 years. But we have swapped a half dozen times over the years. For instance when the child was born and she took 3 years off, or I got a relocation and she took a few years off. I can cook and clean and do all the work around the house and whatever meta overhead needs to be done, so it has worked out fine. Right now she is sick of her job, and FINALLY, I have got a FAANG free idea that I feel confident about launching as a business. Oh christ have they crowded out so many things. As soon as this idea is break-even, with upward trajectory, she's quitting and becoming the support person. Hard agree from me. Everybody we have ever known over those 42 years who partitioned the pot: divorce. It's just money. Why would you do that? Why is money more important than your spouse? (I'm replying in complete agreement, if it's not clear.)

telman17 4y ago
Congrats on 42 years! I look forward to being able to say the same.
readthenotes1 4y ago
We split the money because my now ex would have squandered it all otherwise
- downut 4y ago
  Exactly: partition => divorce. The arrow symbol '=>' is not causal; the partition did not cause the divorce, but where there was a partition, the divorce, in our experience, inevitably happened. I don't even want to elevate our lengthy relationship as something superior. Hardly anyone, including us, started out in their teens understanding what makes a good relationship. We probably stumbled into the single pot model because each of us had so little, then.
  - silisili 4y ago
    Add me as a data point. Wife kept overdrawing account, split finances, divorce. All within like 3 years.

ryandrake 4y ago

That's the simplest way. Honestly the whole "my money, your money" thing, with separate accounts, and you pay for this, and I pay for that, and oh i can't buy groceries with your money and vice versa, it just seems so... unnecessarily exhausting. When we got married, that's basically entering into an agreement that says we're one entity. So we just treat everything we own as owning it together. If we were ever to divorce, the State of California would treat everything we own as owning it together, so why complicate things with three bank accounts and negotiating and borrowing and who pays for what? And before you say, oh that's easy if you make equal salaries, ours is a single income household, and it still works fine.

scarface74 4y ago
I’ve been married for 10 years we manage our separate accounts. But they are all joint accounts. She has “her” bills and I have “my” bills. Those are just bills we take responsibility for. When she was working, I transferred money to “her” account when needed to pay “her” bills. We also have a separate account for “household” spending like groceries. I deposited money into that account when I got paid. But she manages it. If she wants me to pick up groceries out of the account. She would give me a list and either she or I would transfer the money to “my” account.
- capableweb 4y ago
  Instead of transferring money back and forward, why not have one account that is "our" money that both of you spend from?
  - scarface74 4y ago
    That defeats the whole purpose of separate accounts. I know exactly how much I can spend at any given time just by looking at my account. It’s the lack of needing to coordinate anything. I know that the only way that money will leave that account is if I spend it. We see each other’s accounts so it isn’t secret.
    - 4y ago

XorNot 4y ago

This is what we do too. Once we bought a house and functionally drained our bank accounts we took that as the moment to open all new joint accounts to make tracking our income and spending easier and make the common pool explicit.

0xbadc0de5 4y ago

We're also one pot. Similar situation to the OP - I'm making what most would consider a very respectable income yet my wife still earns 2x my total comp (she didn't get the memo about the glass ceiling either). Although I've had previous windfalls that level the field a bit. Jealousy and territorial attitudes have never entered our minds. We're a team and support each other - my success is her success and vice-versa. We have the same financial priorities and similar spending habits - we live well within our means and consult each other on large purchases. There is no 'my money', there is only 'our money.'

Fire-Dragon-DoL 4y ago

My wife is my wife and every dollar I earn is 50% hers (same the other way). If divorce has to come my way, reality is we always lived with the assumption that everything is split by 50%. We talk to each other when spending money on lavish things,which is actually a good sanity check

wkdneidbwf 4y ago

this is the way. a couple is a team, not a contest.

KingOfCoders 4y ago

15 years with one pot of money. I've earned much more when I was an executive and my wife was working in PR, then she founded a startup and sold it to a competitor, so she earned a lot more, now I'm a CTO coach and she writes books, so I earn more. I struggled the first two weeks with the decision because before I could do whatever I wanted with my money, but never regretted it, very happy, never was an issue since. When we go to diner with friends, who have a discussion who is paying, I always feel glad we don't have that.

KronisLV 4y ago

> I am currently the main provider and my wife works part time while in school. All money is our money no matter who earned it. It’s never been a point of debate or emotions other than “oh we got more money this month, cool!” in the event of a bonus or extra income. This probably works nicely if you find the right person - someone who has both spending habits that are reasonably similar to yours and when the relationship itself is stable. But what about situations where: - one of the people is more frugal than the other, quite possibly with the other person spending money lavishly on wants, not needs? - the relationship may fall apart (breaking up or divorce), either due to different personalities, life circumstances or other factors? Personally I think that joint finances are rather risky in all but the more stable and long term relationships.

aprdm 4y ago
What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None And about the first one.. I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. IMO seems pretty hard to be aligned on world views when someone is more frugal and the others love fancy stuff.
- KronisLV 4y ago
  > What difference would it make in case of a divorce? hint: None Depends on the country and local laws, I'd wager. Regardless, it's probably a good idea especially before a marriage has happened, though lots of people rush into getting married nowadays. > I don't see how people could decide to have a life together with that sort of difference. The fact of the matter is that some things can reveal themselves later in the relationship and having joined finances too quickly is probably a mistake. The hard part is that you can't really gauge when you have the other person figured out, e.g. the whole "rose tinted glasses" period that may drag on long into the relationship.

giantg2 4y ago

That system really only works well if you have similar views and habits related to how the money is spent. Or if you have so much that inefficient spending isn't a concern.

giaour 4y ago

How does this work for "specialty" savings accounts like 401Ks and HSAs (which are typically set up for an individual by their employer)? Does each one of you list the other as the sole beneficiary of each account, or have you been able to make those joint accounts as well?

bradknowles 4y ago

I met the woman who is now my wife back when I was working at AOL in the mid-90s. She was working as a lawyer at the Securities and Exchange Commission. One year I got a big payout from cashing in stock options, and that ended up going to pay off her student loans. But except for that year, she has always made more money than I have -- for most of that time, if you compare her worst year against my best one, she still made like 3x what I made. We have one main account we both use, and we make sure it's always got enough money in it that we don't have to worry about accidentally bouncing a check. We have set limits on how much either of us can spend without talking to the other person. And we don't really fight over money.