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I hope it’s a little heartening that a parenting style that says ‘my body is my body’ is relatively popular which means those kids never have to try to dodge a

I hope it’s a little heartening that a parenting style that says ‘my body is my body’ is relatively popular which means those kids never have to try to dodge a kiss from grandma they don’t want. That said, reading about Temple Grandin’s hug box experience might open something up around the sensation.

touisteur 4y ago
It has become very clear to me, listening to all my female friends, colleagues, partners - mtalking about consent and all kinds of horrible experiences when they couldn't say no, I didn't feel they could - that we used to teach body submission since a young age. I have twin girls and I'm trying as hard as possible to teach them body autonomy and consent. Your body your choice. The doctors help (if it's not urgent, let's talk, and if you're afraid or don't understand yet, we'll do it later on - the girls consent far easier when they don't get pressure and an explanation, and when they can see a track record of truthfulness and explaining stuff before - this is going to hurt, I'm doing it so you don't get such and such disease, as your parents explained, are you OK with it ? We can numb the area if you need). It can look silly to the tough-it-out crowd (and I don't really care if it annoys anyone) and yes, there'll be emergency overrides, but thankfully we've never needed any. Even the rare firemen or ER medics asked and explained before performing acts and actually listened to the answer (we can do this one a bit later, but we need to do that one now to make sure you're not in grave danger, OK?)... Family that doesn't understand get a talking to, first by the girls themselves, and then later on I can most of the time pinpoint painful or unpleasant experiences in the family stories, to illustrate the most irate. Every woman in my family immediately got it. My own grandma (born in the 20s) was ecstatic when we explained 'oh I hated when they forced me to kiss someone or get kissed, good for them, women are not toys'. Guess who gets the most hugs, kisses... My father doesn't get it, jokes it out and tries to force the issue or steal hugs or kisses and doesn't understand why they won't 'just take it'. Yeah... You can guess how he is with women. The first rule there has always been 'have I listened to what they actually want'? They're dependent human beings, not things. Strangely, many things become easier then. Not a struggle with authority but actually convincing about what needs to happen (vaccines, medical exams, hygiene, medication, sunscreen...), what can happen if they want and what the consequences can be (ears pierced, kinds of clothes, hairstyle)... I find them far more invested once they're all in, and... that I needed to work a lot on control issues. ... sorry, parenting is such a mind consuming activity, I ramble :-)
- pineaux 4y ago
  I agree with you on the consent thing. Still, many many people want hugs and sometimes they dont know it in advance. Its the same as doing any scary thing, dont force people to do it, but a bit encouragement is not necessarily bad, you should know when to stop tho.
  - touisteur 4y ago
    Yeah, when we feel they might need a hug (hurt themselves, some sadness, anger) we ask whether they want one. And the key here is not getting angry, sad or impatient when they refuse,but staying around patiently. It's there if they want it, there is no reason for anyone to rebuke them for not wanting to be touched... They need to know that normal is not forced in any way. To be able to see the difference, when they're being forced. It's not something I was taught and it's very, very hard sometimes to stay and 'be there' and not hug... But the worst time to force is when they're the most vulnerable.

touisteur 4y ago

It has become very clear to me, listening to all my female friends, colleagues, partners - mtalking about consent and all kinds of horrible experiences when they couldn't say no, I didn't feel they could - that we used to teach body submission since a young age. I have twin girls and I'm trying as hard as possible to teach them body autonomy and consent. Your body your choice. The doctors help (if it's not urgent, let's talk, and if you're afraid or don't understand yet, we'll do it later on - the girls consent far easier when they don't get pressure and an explanation, and when they can see a track record of truthfulness and explaining stuff before - this is going to hurt, I'm doing it so you don't get such and such disease, as your parents explained, are you OK with it ? We can numb the area if you need). It can look silly to the tough-it-out crowd (and I don't really care if it annoys anyone) and yes, there'll be emergency overrides, but thankfully we've never needed any. Even the rare firemen or ER medics asked and explained before performing acts and actually listened to the answer (we can do this one a bit later, but we need to do that one now to make sure you're not in grave danger, OK?)... Family that doesn't understand get a talking to, first by the girls themselves, and then later on I can most of the time pinpoint painful or unpleasant experiences in the family stories, to illustrate the most irate. Every woman in my family immediately got it. My own grandma (born in the 20s) was ecstatic when we explained 'oh I hated when they forced me to kiss someone or get kissed, good for them, women are not toys'. Guess who gets the most hugs, kisses... My father doesn't get it, jokes it out and tries to force the issue or steal hugs or kisses and doesn't understand why they won't 'just take it'. Yeah... You can guess how he is with women. The first rule there has always been 'have I listened to what they actually want'? They're dependent human beings, not things. Strangely, many things become easier then. Not a struggle with authority but actually convincing about what needs to happen (vaccines, medical exams, hygiene, medication, sunscreen...), what can happen if they want and what the consequences can be (ears pierced, kinds of clothes, hairstyle)... I find them far more invested once they're all in, and... that I needed to work a lot on control issues. ... sorry, parenting is such a mind consuming activity, I ramble :-)

pineaux 4y ago
I agree with you on the consent thing. Still, many many people want hugs and sometimes they dont know it in advance. Its the same as doing any scary thing, dont force people to do it, but a bit encouragement is not necessarily bad, you should know when to stop tho.
- touisteur 4y ago
  Yeah, when we feel they might need a hug (hurt themselves, some sadness, anger) we ask whether they want one. And the key here is not getting angry, sad or impatient when they refuse,but staying around patiently. It's there if they want it, there is no reason for anyone to rebuke them for not wanting to be touched... They need to know that normal is not forced in any way. To be able to see the difference, when they're being forced. It's not something I was taught and it's very, very hard sometimes to stay and 'be there' and not hug... But the worst time to force is when they're the most vulnerable.