Thank you everyone, I'm blown away by your responses, which are too numerous to address individually :-) After sleeping on it, I think what's going on with me

Thank you everyone, I'm blown away by your responses, which are too numerous to address individually :-) After sleeping on it, I think what's going on with me has to do with midlife changes in perception. For example, a young artist might dabble in oil painting and not think about things like the carcinogenic effects of paint thinner or the sustainability of pigments. But at my age, I see opportunity costs in everything I do, which stifles my creativity. Even if the risk is simply the time cost of doing something and missing out on the chance to do nothing and rest. My struggle seems to parallel the larger crisis humanity is facing in how we have to still go to work as the world burns. Like to save the world, we have to stop thinking about it for a time and do what we can with what we have. And this tough love concept applies to our individual realities. Somehow I have to suspend disbelief long enough to get ahead of my hangups. It's a bit like switching from technology back to magic. Or from science to religion. I know it works because I've felt the love and oneness of being in the zone for extended periods over much of my life. But so much of my psyche is grounded in survival now that reconnecting with my inner child feels decadent. Yet I must do it or the rest of my life is forfeit. The only conclusion I can come to is that my belief system is sabotaging my goals so I must change myself before I can change the world. A bit pithy perhaps, but hopefully helpful to anyone in the same boat who happens to read this.