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I have noticed that a lot of/majority of "regular people" tend to coast along on the back of others as a way of life. If "smart people" are perceived by friend

I have noticed that a lot of/majority of "regular people" tend to coast along on the back of others as a way of life. If "smart people" are perceived by friends and family as being problem solvers, many will route their problems to a "smart friend", someone who seems to have their life somewhat in order or always have the answer to everything. I used to get an endless stream of requests for everything from technical help, legal/financial advice, help planning vacation, help making decisions on purchases, career advice and help fixing their "failed to launch" kids, really often far exceeding simply asking for an opinion, folks effectively transfer ownership of their problems to you for you to fix. Of course they may praise you for this and perhaps you get addicted to this positive feedback, but it comes at a high cost, especially as you can end up spending so much effort on "friends" that you neglect to solve or even recognize your own problems. I have come to realize recently that I don't actually have any friends, only dependents. Declining to take ownership of people's problems caused basically all of them to more or less cut off contact with me (maybe I get a text once a year or something), but I am so much happier now that I ever was before.

Phileosopher 4y ago
In some ways, I have to disagree partly. Each person is responsible to solve their own problems, but I see intelligence as a type of "strength". A 30-year-old is far stronger than a 75-year-old, so it's nearly a moral duty to help them get a fridge through their door (provided, of course, that the older person isn't being a jerk about it). In the same way, a tech-savvy smart person should help a less-than-gifted person with things like setting up their email or figuring out an ideal flow system for their small business. Granted, this must all be driven by love for people. Without that, it's worse than just pushing them away.
thankful69 4y ago
Yup, is about learning to say "no".
- sudhirj 4y ago
  Which is itself an excellent non-well-defined problem people need to learn to solve.
stcredzero 4y ago
it comes at a high cost, especially as you can end up spending so much effort on "friends" that you neglect to solve or even recognize your own problems. This is a valuable insight. At some point, even the closest to you are their own individuals. Short of saving their lives from imminent physical danger, at some point, one must leave others "to their fate." I have come to realize recently that I don't actually have any friends, only dependents. This is not either-or. There is a friend-dependent spectrum. Also, how you might evaluate this is strongly affected by your own personality. The closer you are to the "dark triad" in the space of personality traits, the more skewed your perceptions will be towards the "dependent" viewpoint.
- nickff 4y ago
  I'm not the author of the parent comment, but I think you may be taking the message too far. >"Short of saving their lives from imminent physical danger, at some point, one must leave others "to their fate."" I think it's good to help people who are going through challenging periods in their lives. The key to limiting one's efforts is that the problems need to be temporary ones, and the 'assistant' should take on a supporting role, not a leading one.
  - stcredzero 4y ago
    The key to limiting one's efforts is that the problems need to be temporary ones, and the 'assistant' should take on a supporting role, not a leading one. Sounds like we agree, actually. At a certain point, one must leave others "to their fate" good or bad. In certain matters, we can only help. It's up to them to actually do the work, if they can or if they will. In other words, it's not healthy to be committed to controlling that which one cannot control. Especially if it's another sentient being.
nescioquid 4y ago
> "regular people" tend to coast along on the back of others as a way of life...many will route their problems to a "smart friend" The human animal's basic survival strategy is cooperation. I'd imagine your "regular people" friends should be willing to help you out with something not readily in your power (e.g. house-sitting). Because you are intelligent, you get a certain kind of request; if you had a big truck or big muscles, you'd get a different sort. If you've helped people without the expectation of reciprocity or setting boundaries, you've created the dependencies. On the other hand, it sounds like you have a lot of favors you can call in :-)
- cannaceo 4y ago
  My experience has been that when you go to call in these favors you get to encounter that person's boundaries. Often their boundaries are that they don't like to help in the same way that they ask for help.
  - landryraccoon 4y ago
    I don’t see what the problem is. If you have helped someone a lot, and then call in a favor and the ghost you, you didn’t lose a friend. You lost a parasite. It’s like when you lend money to someone and they avoid you to never pay you back. Depending on the amount that can be money well spent.
    - matheusmoreira 4y ago
      > I don’t see what the problem is. The problem is the transaction is unbalanced. They got help when they needed and refused to help when called upon. Someone took more than they gave and there's no real way to address the issue so the only sensible thing to do is to avoid putting oneself in such a position in the first place.
      - landryraccoon 4y ago
        Yeah, I agree. It's a problem with the world. But it's not generally a problem you can solve. The problem that you solve is information. You don't know who's trustworthy and who isn't. If I can give a small amount of help to someone in exchange for knowing if they are trustworthy or not, that's probably worth it. The people that reciprocate you can keep in your life and they become valuable friends. I am more than happy with the tradeoff of sometimes giving people some help that they don't reciprocate in exchange for finding the ones that will.
shepherdjerred 4y ago
I think Seneca addresses this well in 'On the Shortness of Life'[0][1]. Essentially we are very wise with our money -- we don't just give it away freely, because it is of value to us. We aren't as wise with our time -- we give it to anyone that asks. If you're frugal with your time -- no longer giving your time to others except when you want to, your life suddenly becomes longer and more effectively used. Of course there are a few missing puzzle pieces like what is worth spending time on, how do you motivate yourself to fill this time, etc. [0]: This is what I read: https://smile.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/dp/0143036327 https://smile.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/... [1]: Free online: https://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html https://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_...
smileysteve 4y ago
Time is one cost, but ignorance is the other; "Smart People" (and the above is an example) often are not only knowledgable, but actionable, across a variety of subjects. Leading to unhappiness is frustration that others choose not to or are otherwise incapable of this knowledge or action. But especially when you hear "I wish I could do what you do" from people who have had more impetus, more opportunity, or have invested more than you.
random314 4y ago
Ha ha! So much this. Nowadays whenever I get a call from an old friend out of the blue, I know what it is. Tech interview help OR career advice.
- LoveMortuus 4y ago
  Same!! That's why I just say "Hello <my name> here, how may I help you?"
matheusmoreira 4y ago
> it comes at a high cost In addition to what you mentioned, there is a hidden cost of responsibility. Once we advise people, they start holding us responsible for the result. Something goes wrong? It's now our fault.
- nomel 4y ago
  I stopped helping people with basic computer problems the second or third time I was told that I broke something. I realized that the interactions were basically always unpleasant. People seem to be much happier just calling geek squad, or whomever.
  - 77pt77 4y ago
    If they don't pay they just assume the value of your work is zero and therefore crap. Anything that doesn't do what they expect it's clearly your fault because you messed with it 8 months ago.
  - matheusmoreira 4y ago
    Exactly. People can be so ungrateful sometimes. You help them enthusiastically, talk to them about good computing habits like not opening spam email links and not installing 20 untrustworthy browser extensions (the modern day toolbars!) only to get blamed when their computers fall into disrepair for the exact same reasons. It got to the point I'll pretend to be technologically illiterate just to avoid these situations.
- 77pt77 4y ago
  And if your advice was good it was their idea all along. Kind of like fixing computer stuff. 6 months later something completely unrelated breaks and it's obviously your fault because they can do no wrong and you were the last person messing with it.
  - JohnClark1337 4y ago
vorpalhex 4y ago
Randomly say no. Not always, but occasionally roll a die and if it comes back a one, decline to help them and give a polite excuse. You still benefit others without them consuming all your time.
- LoveMortuus 4y ago
  This actually sounds quite fun! Like actually rolling a dice in front of them and telling them that if it's a 1 or a 6 you won't be able to help them. And if they ask why, you could just say that they saw the dice, the Gods have spoken and they don't want you to help them. I might actually try this, could be fun!
  - I-M-S 4y ago
    A friend did this to me once. He stopped being my friend that day. There's little more insulting to a man than to make him feel like a plaything.

Phileosopher 4y ago

In some ways, I have to disagree partly. Each person is responsible to solve their own problems, but I see intelligence as a type of "strength". A 30-year-old is far stronger than a 75-year-old, so it's nearly a moral duty to help them get a fridge through their door (provided, of course, that the older person isn't being a jerk about it). In the same way, a tech-savvy smart person should help a less-than-gifted person with things like setting up their email or figuring out an ideal flow system for their small business. Granted, this must all be driven by love for people. Without that, it's worse than just pushing them away.

thankful69 4y ago

Yup, is about learning to say "no".

sudhirj 4y ago
Which is itself an excellent non-well-defined problem people need to learn to solve.

stcredzero 4y ago

it comes at a high cost, especially as you can end up spending so much effort on "friends" that you neglect to solve or even recognize your own problems. This is a valuable insight. At some point, even the closest to you are their own individuals. Short of saving their lives from imminent physical danger, at some point, one must leave others "to their fate." I have come to realize recently that I don't actually have any friends, only dependents. This is not either-or. There is a friend-dependent spectrum. Also, how you might evaluate this is strongly affected by your own personality. The closer you are to the "dark triad" in the space of personality traits, the more skewed your perceptions will be towards the "dependent" viewpoint.

nickff 4y ago
I'm not the author of the parent comment, but I think you may be taking the message too far. >"Short of saving their lives from imminent physical danger, at some point, one must leave others "to their fate."" I think it's good to help people who are going through challenging periods in their lives. The key to limiting one's efforts is that the problems need to be temporary ones, and the 'assistant' should take on a supporting role, not a leading one.
- stcredzero 4y ago
  The key to limiting one's efforts is that the problems need to be temporary ones, and the 'assistant' should take on a supporting role, not a leading one. Sounds like we agree, actually. At a certain point, one must leave others "to their fate" good or bad. In certain matters, we can only help. It's up to them to actually do the work, if they can or if they will. In other words, it's not healthy to be committed to controlling that which one cannot control. Especially if it's another sentient being.

nescioquid 4y ago

> "regular people" tend to coast along on the back of others as a way of life...many will route their problems to a "smart friend" The human animal's basic survival strategy is cooperation. I'd imagine your "regular people" friends should be willing to help you out with something not readily in your power (e.g. house-sitting). Because you are intelligent, you get a certain kind of request; if you had a big truck or big muscles, you'd get a different sort. If you've helped people without the expectation of reciprocity or setting boundaries, you've created the dependencies. On the other hand, it sounds like you have a lot of favors you can call in :-)

cannaceo 4y ago
My experience has been that when you go to call in these favors you get to encounter that person's boundaries. Often their boundaries are that they don't like to help in the same way that they ask for help.
- landryraccoon 4y ago
  I don’t see what the problem is. If you have helped someone a lot, and then call in a favor and the ghost you, you didn’t lose a friend. You lost a parasite. It’s like when you lend money to someone and they avoid you to never pay you back. Depending on the amount that can be money well spent.
  - matheusmoreira 4y ago
    > I don’t see what the problem is. The problem is the transaction is unbalanced. They got help when they needed and refused to help when called upon. Someone took more than they gave and there's no real way to address the issue so the only sensible thing to do is to avoid putting oneself in such a position in the first place.
    - landryraccoon 4y ago
      Yeah, I agree. It's a problem with the world. But it's not generally a problem you can solve. The problem that you solve is information. You don't know who's trustworthy and who isn't. If I can give a small amount of help to someone in exchange for knowing if they are trustworthy or not, that's probably worth it. The people that reciprocate you can keep in your life and they become valuable friends. I am more than happy with the tradeoff of sometimes giving people some help that they don't reciprocate in exchange for finding the ones that will.

shepherdjerred 4y ago

I think Seneca addresses this well in 'On the Shortness of Life'[0][1]. Essentially we are very wise with our money -- we don't just give it away freely, because it is of value to us. We aren't as wise with our time -- we give it to anyone that asks. If you're frugal with your time -- no longer giving your time to others except when you want to, your life suddenly becomes longer and more effectively used. Of course there are a few missing puzzle pieces like what is worth spending time on, how do you motivate yourself to fill this time, etc. [0]: This is what I read: https://smile.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/dp/0143036327 https://smile.amazon.com/Shortness-Life-Penguin-Great-Ideas/... [1]: Free online: https://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html https://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_...

smileysteve 4y ago

Time is one cost, but ignorance is the other; "Smart People" (and the above is an example) often are not only knowledgable, but actionable, across a variety of subjects. Leading to unhappiness is frustration that others choose not to or are otherwise incapable of this knowledge or action. But especially when you hear "I wish I could do what you do" from people who have had more impetus, more opportunity, or have invested more than you.

random314 4y ago

Ha ha! So much this. Nowadays whenever I get a call from an old friend out of the blue, I know what it is. Tech interview help OR career advice.

LoveMortuus 4y ago
Same!! That's why I just say "Hello <my name> here, how may I help you?"

matheusmoreira 4y ago

> it comes at a high cost In addition to what you mentioned, there is a hidden cost of responsibility. Once we advise people, they start holding us responsible for the result. Something goes wrong? It's now our fault.

nomel 4y ago
I stopped helping people with basic computer problems the second or third time I was told that I broke something. I realized that the interactions were basically always unpleasant. People seem to be much happier just calling geek squad, or whomever.
- 77pt77 4y ago
  If they don't pay they just assume the value of your work is zero and therefore crap. Anything that doesn't do what they expect it's clearly your fault because you messed with it 8 months ago.
- matheusmoreira 4y ago
  Exactly. People can be so ungrateful sometimes. You help them enthusiastically, talk to them about good computing habits like not opening spam email links and not installing 20 untrustworthy browser extensions (the modern day toolbars!) only to get blamed when their computers fall into disrepair for the exact same reasons. It got to the point I'll pretend to be technologically illiterate just to avoid these situations.
77pt77 4y ago
And if your advice was good it was their idea all along. Kind of like fixing computer stuff. 6 months later something completely unrelated breaks and it's obviously your fault because they can do no wrong and you were the last person messing with it.
- JohnClark1337 4y ago

vorpalhex 4y ago

Randomly say no. Not always, but occasionally roll a die and if it comes back a one, decline to help them and give a polite excuse. You still benefit others without them consuming all your time.

LoveMortuus 4y ago
This actually sounds quite fun! Like actually rolling a dice in front of them and telling them that if it's a 1 or a 6 you won't be able to help them. And if they ask why, you could just say that they saw the dice, the Gods have spoken and they don't want you to help them. I might actually try this, could be fun!
- I-M-S 4y ago
  A friend did this to me once. He stopped being my friend that day. There's little more insulting to a man than to make him feel like a plaything.