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I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year wil

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the day. She’s naturally thoughtful while I’m mostly focused on myself. We had a talk a few months ago and it was revealed that my self-centeredness was a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade. I could go on and on so I’ll just stop here and co-sign once more; communicate with your spouse. And then do it even more than that.

em-bee 4y ago
* a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade* the behaviors we learn through our experience to protect ourselves are very hard to shake off. quite often we are not even aware of them or understand why. and any new partner will end up working hard trying to break through. but it looks like your partners effort and patience is starting to pay off. good luck to your continued future.
- audiometry 4y ago
  Yeah I agree. This is the core idea of IFS Internal Family Systems. Heard about it on Time Ferriss. A real life friend recommended it. I tried it and benefited from it.
- NetOpWibby 4y ago
  Thank you. I'm always happy so if she's happy, I'm ecstatic.
null_shift 4y ago
I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see how they are doing. I wish I could be more like that, but would require some external override (eg setting a reminder on my phone) instead of me organically deciding to do so.
- em-bee 4y ago
  i can recognize myself in what you just wrote. and in my case i am pretty sure that it comes from my parents divorce and the lack of role models. there was nobody in my life growing up who would show care for me or for others in the way that your wife (and also mine) was doing it. i have the same issue with generosity. i haven't experienced people being generous as i grew up and as a result i don't know how to do it. it's just not something that i'd think about, and i have to consciously remind myself to share more things with others. on the other hand, despite being somewhat introvert, i have no problem inviting some of those regilious types, when they come knocking at my door and having a serious conversation with them, while critically inspecting their claims. why? because that i did learn from my dad who was welcoming, open minded yet serious about his own beliefs.
- NetOpWibby 4y ago
  Our situation is very much the same. In fact, it was constantly seeing my wife check-in with her family that encouraged me to do the same. About a month ago I called my grandmother and had a two-hour convo and I learned that my mother never wanted her to have my number, for whatever reason. I regret not thinking of reaching out to her sooner but we're both glad I did. My parents divorced when I was 13 or so but dual-parented. My dad was very focused on trying to get me to be more "macho" and my mom didn't seem to care much about whatever I had going on. So, I kept to myself; reading books, dreaming up inventions, sketching, &c. When college came, I found out via campus security that I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus. For some reason, my mom seemed angry at me for being home even though she's the one who bragged to everyone for YEARS that her kids had a college fund and never had to worry about working while focusing on education. I'm starting to feel resentment as I recall things so I'll just say this: my feeling weren't considered when I was a child/teen, I didn't have help in early adulthood, and I was setup to fail (credit/identity theft victim, per mother). As a result, I had to learn how to live in the "real world" without a safety net and try to figure out how to forgive people because these people would never apologize (or even remember their actions). Doing all this got me through all right. I'm self-taught, have a pretty cool job, and live relatively stress-free in a safe community with a great school district. Nearly ever day is sunny but having someone you trust that can tell you objective things about yourself is a must. Thinking of others when you've only thought of yourself for two decades is hella difficult but not impossible. I make sure to call my grandmother at least every two weeks. I look for ways to make my wife's life easier around the house. I'm more productive in my downtime so I can make progress on my personal projects so I can be present when the family's doing something. It's a lot of work but my life has demonstrably improved.
NetOpWibby 4y ago
EDIT: I'm in my 5th year of marriage. I've known her for 18 years now, not sure when we started dating...good thing my wife doesn't read HN.

em-bee 4y ago

* a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade* the behaviors we learn through our experience to protect ourselves are very hard to shake off. quite often we are not even aware of them or understand why. and any new partner will end up working hard trying to break through. but it looks like your partners effort and patience is starting to pay off. good luck to your continued future.

audiometry 4y ago
Yeah I agree. This is the core idea of IFS Internal Family Systems. Heard about it on Time Ferriss. A real life friend recommended it. I tried it and benefited from it.
NetOpWibby 4y ago
Thank you. I'm always happy so if she's happy, I'm ecstatic.

null_shift 4y ago

I’d be interested to hear more. I have come to realize that I am very self centered, but I can’t quite figure out why. I tend to get very caught up and focused on what is going on in my life and never stop to think about others. It is more that the thought never occurs to me, as opposed to me consciously prioritizing myself over others. My wife on the other hand is very thoughtful, always checking in on others to see how they are doing. I wish I could be more like that, but would require some external override (eg setting a reminder on my phone) instead of me organically deciding to do so.

em-bee 4y ago
i can recognize myself in what you just wrote. and in my case i am pretty sure that it comes from my parents divorce and the lack of role models. there was nobody in my life growing up who would show care for me or for others in the way that your wife (and also mine) was doing it. i have the same issue with generosity. i haven't experienced people being generous as i grew up and as a result i don't know how to do it. it's just not something that i'd think about, and i have to consciously remind myself to share more things with others. on the other hand, despite being somewhat introvert, i have no problem inviting some of those regilious types, when they come knocking at my door and having a serious conversation with them, while critically inspecting their claims. why? because that i did learn from my dad who was welcoming, open minded yet serious about his own beliefs.
NetOpWibby 4y ago
Our situation is very much the same. In fact, it was constantly seeing my wife check-in with her family that encouraged me to do the same. About a month ago I called my grandmother and had a two-hour convo and I learned that my mother never wanted her to have my number, for whatever reason. I regret not thinking of reaching out to her sooner but we're both glad I did. My parents divorced when I was 13 or so but dual-parented. My dad was very focused on trying to get me to be more "macho" and my mom didn't seem to care much about whatever I had going on. So, I kept to myself; reading books, dreaming up inventions, sketching, &c. When college came, I found out via campus security that I did NOT have a college fund and was subsequently removed from campus. For some reason, my mom seemed angry at me for being home even though she's the one who bragged to everyone for YEARS that her kids had a college fund and never had to worry about working while focusing on education. I'm starting to feel resentment as I recall things so I'll just say this: my feeling weren't considered when I was a child/teen, I didn't have help in early adulthood, and I was setup to fail (credit/identity theft victim, per mother). As a result, I had to learn how to live in the "real world" without a safety net and try to figure out how to forgive people because these people would never apologize (or even remember their actions). Doing all this got me through all right. I'm self-taught, have a pretty cool job, and live relatively stress-free in a safe community with a great school district. Nearly ever day is sunny but having someone you trust that can tell you objective things about yourself is a must. Thinking of others when you've only thought of yourself for two decades is hella difficult but not impossible. I make sure to call my grandmother at least every two weeks. I look for ways to make my wife's life easier around the house. I'm more productive in my downtime so I can make progress on my personal projects so I can be present when the family's doing something. It's a lot of work but my life has demonstrably improved.

NetOpWibby 4y ago

EDIT: I'm in my 5th year of marriage. I've known her for 18 years now, not sure when we started dating...good thing my wife doesn't read HN.