Excuse me, sir. I'd like to buy a bunch of pieces of paper that are too large to unfold unless I'm at an empty breakfast table. I'd like the articles to tell m

Excuse me, sir. I'd like to buy a bunch of pieces of paper that are too large to unfold unless I'm at an empty breakfast table. I'd like the articles to tell me to jump to random places in the whole folded mess, especially as dictated by ads that increasingly target the out and out-of-touch. I'd like the paper to instantly pucker when hit by a single drop of rain and the ink should come off and stain every piece of clothing it brushes against. I look forward to leaving dark, greasy fingerprints after reading it as well. There is one compelling reason to continue even laying out the NYT... the internet rots and breaks. The NYT website breaks frequently. When we don't have newspapers we will no longer have a daily historical record, which is horrifying. It will be impossible to tell whether something was believed to be true ten years ago, or what happened on a given day. But actual paper? It's the worst.