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Love it. Will use if I'm tortured again. Or will I? This is n-depth defense right there. For me the hard part was first noticing I was being tortured on day

Love it. Will use if I'm tortured again. Or will I? This is n-depth defense right there. For me the hard part was first noticing I was being tortured on days of which I had no recollection. Like "Wednesday? But it was just Sunday." So on those two days the torturers wake you up on roofies, keep you dosed all day long, and put you to sleep on roofies (might not be a bad sleeping aid). In the first person you have no idea a day just passed. Just like that, one less day in your biography. They do it up to 29 times, because women pick up on the bullshit if their period is out of phase (though it takes decades to solve mysteries of this nature, unreliable detective). Plus, after 29 days the martyr might notice, like "hey the fuck is this extra month in this calendar? April 2009? Why don't I know anything about that month. I never heard of that month." So also they can talk to you while on roofies and it's like the old random-access-memories, reading deletes what you read. So they can ask you about Clockwork Orange, or fucking show you Clockwork Orange, just like in Clockwork Orange. Or read 1984 out loud to you while electrocuting you with a car battery, did that to me, like Live-Action Role Playing O'Brien's torture--in which he claims he's performing medicine for the mentally ill with intentional malpractice. And you have no idea until you realize there's holes in your memory and--for instance--a law student friend asked me if it was like Clockwork Orange and I said...I think so, what happens in that? He told me and saw me flash, a distinct emotion of a long-buried memory. Not truly deleted, just removed from the index and has nothing pointing to it, so it can only be remembered in a super-indirect way. Then one day you read 1984 again and see I remember this I don't remember that--and I had read it twice pre-torture, fuck knows how much during torture, then again recently, and normally I'd remember all of it perfectly but there were huge gaps in which I doubted ever having reading. I have similar to photographic memory, call it holographic memory, and secondly I read that book in the 7th grade and again in freshman year in a class about Utopias. No recollection of that many passages means they clearly read it out loud to delete all that. Oh well not bitter about being tortured. Just wish I could remember the intense moments, I feel cheated by the roofies.

Cyberdog 4y ago
Who was torturing you, and why did they think reading 1984 to you was going to make you give them information?
- daniel-cussen 4y ago
  They liked 1984 because it says you can't stand up to torture and it's better to be a good little bitch. That's why they allowed some parts--select passages--of that book remain and got rid of all the other literature I read. They did let me read Hacker News though, while inside the torture ward. They have a little cluster of PCs which they keylog to get your passwords and impersonate you to the outside world, rob you, and in one case say my suicide note to a friend was just a joke. So don't use computers while tortured. But hey a little Hacker News brightened up my day every once in a while, take the good with the bad, if you're forced to.
  - Cyberdog 4y ago
    They allowed you to use PCs and communicate with the outside world? Were you able to notify other people that you were in this situation, or did you know already? Who did this to you, and where?
    - daniel-cussen 4y ago
      Yes, PCs because it was a prestigious clinic in Santiago. Like they have facilities. Nobody actually gives one unit of fuck. Nobody actually traveled overseas to visit me see how I was doing and check on me face to face. It's like, oh you're on the train to hell, you're seated and strapped in, well good luck! Don't even actually wish you good luck. Say "good luck!" don't even mean it, it would be cool if they did it would be worth one unit of fuck, all I need for bail out of the torture ward, but they don't actually want that for me. I did notify people but after the false messages saying I was totally fine I never got through to any of those people in Stanford again. I guess they think I was fucking with them. Whole class of '12. One time, a tiny bit, not more. Always grasping at straws, never someone saying "OK let's talk for an hour since you disappeared." Never got through to Larkin 08-09, nobody. Literally nobody, couldn't get through to Elliott Liu, or any of the women who said they'd retaliate for my lynching like Rose or there were a few others, none of the blondes who were attracted to me, a little bit to Matthew Kahane, Stanford '12, who sympathized, and who else, Ben Schley, also Stanford '12, also talked to me, provided testimony, that was cool, otherwise a hundred people (many of whom were forcibly deleted from memory). But nobody put themselves through so much as a millionth of the suffering I went through to help me. Kind of unbelievable, don't answer their emails, now obviously I'm also conditioned to communicate to them very poorly that's part of the program in the torture, but come on. The well got poisoned, fine, the comms got fucked, fine, but really? No interest in how this guy's life got fucked up? Can't look me up and see I never graduated? Too fat a roledex for sad stories? Like they see me they react like I'm homeless or haunted. In fact one day I made major moves to help an evicted (meaning homeless) guy out and he told me his whole story and I listened and that's when I realized how people react to my story when I tell it. But the basic premise is the same: everybody is waiting for someone above them to reach down and pick them up from where they are, nobody picks anybody up who's beneath them. [EDIT: that was my insight, reach down, not up, help someone who is in hell relative to me! I helped Jonathan Ramos, really cool guy, been in Chilean prison, lived on the street, and I was like, hell he's sitting on the pavement I'm wearing upper-class Chilean clothing, why not just pay out whatever he asks, every time? What's impeding me from pulling him out of hell? Worked too, he recently got into a homeless shelter--a bullshit thing in my book, rent should be cheap so that everybody can have a home--and though I thought he was dead because he disappeared for three weeks, he showed up again asking for cash for a bus pass to go work. I said of course! I told him to come with me, we went I got myself an energy drink, got a coke instead so there was more change for him, gave him $4 in singles (bus pass is $9) so he could find that job. Pulled him out of hell.] Like I shouldn't have fought as hard as I did to never formally become homeless, if those closest to me will refuse to talk to me as if I did anyway, why not sleep under a bridge? WHY THE FUCK NOT? Makes no difference as far as stigma, I'm tough I can survive, why did I plead to not be evicted hundreds of times, cooperate with poisoners hundreds of times? It's not like Larkin 08-09 gives a fuck about me anyway like I did for them. Shows you how little people lose not getting into an Ivy League school, fair-weather friends. Although I did get disappeared very thoroughly, it was particularly foul weather. But come on take a motherfucking call! I think people hear words and trigger, like rape accusation ewww, get away from me, like immolation ewww, talk to a doctor. Or torture, ewww, don't want to get tortured, talk to a doctor. Duh there's torture in Chile, but ewww I'd rather donate a hundred bucks to ACLU as if that mattered a fuck. Don't want to risk my cushy perfect American life and get on a plane, torture is a South America thing, you asked for it by leaving America when you were 9 months old to live under a dictatorship. Who did this? Where? You actually want to know? Well if a bot wants to know, which is always the worst case on a forum, fuck that may not be somebody but it's something, I'll take it. Dr. Jorge Barros Beck, Christus San Carlos de Apoquindo, Santiago, Chile. March 29, 2009, to roughly June 6, 2009.

Cyberdog 4y ago

Who was torturing you, and why did they think reading 1984 to you was going to make you give them information?

daniel-cussen 4y ago
They liked 1984 because it says you can't stand up to torture and it's better to be a good little bitch. That's why they allowed some parts--select passages--of that book remain and got rid of all the other literature I read. They did let me read Hacker News though, while inside the torture ward. They have a little cluster of PCs which they keylog to get your passwords and impersonate you to the outside world, rob you, and in one case say my suicide note to a friend was just a joke. So don't use computers while tortured. But hey a little Hacker News brightened up my day every once in a while, take the good with the bad, if you're forced to.
- Cyberdog 4y ago
  They allowed you to use PCs and communicate with the outside world? Were you able to notify other people that you were in this situation, or did you know already? Who did this to you, and where?
  - daniel-cussen 4y ago
    Yes, PCs because it was a prestigious clinic in Santiago. Like they have facilities. Nobody actually gives one unit of fuck. Nobody actually traveled overseas to visit me see how I was doing and check on me face to face. It's like, oh you're on the train to hell, you're seated and strapped in, well good luck! Don't even actually wish you good luck. Say "good luck!" don't even mean it, it would be cool if they did it would be worth one unit of fuck, all I need for bail out of the torture ward, but they don't actually want that for me. I did notify people but after the false messages saying I was totally fine I never got through to any of those people in Stanford again. I guess they think I was fucking with them. Whole class of '12. One time, a tiny bit, not more. Always grasping at straws, never someone saying "OK let's talk for an hour since you disappeared." Never got through to Larkin 08-09, nobody. Literally nobody, couldn't get through to Elliott Liu, or any of the women who said they'd retaliate for my lynching like Rose or there were a few others, none of the blondes who were attracted to me, a little bit to Matthew Kahane, Stanford '12, who sympathized, and who else, Ben Schley, also Stanford '12, also talked to me, provided testimony, that was cool, otherwise a hundred people (many of whom were forcibly deleted from memory). But nobody put themselves through so much as a millionth of the suffering I went through to help me. Kind of unbelievable, don't answer their emails, now obviously I'm also conditioned to communicate to them very poorly that's part of the program in the torture, but come on. The well got poisoned, fine, the comms got fucked, fine, but really? No interest in how this guy's life got fucked up? Can't look me up and see I never graduated? Too fat a roledex for sad stories? Like they see me they react like I'm homeless or haunted. In fact one day I made major moves to help an evicted (meaning homeless) guy out and he told me his whole story and I listened and that's when I realized how people react to my story when I tell it. But the basic premise is the same: everybody is waiting for someone above them to reach down and pick them up from where they are, nobody picks anybody up who's beneath them. [EDIT: that was my insight, reach down, not up, help someone who is in hell relative to me! I helped Jonathan Ramos, really cool guy, been in Chilean prison, lived on the street, and I was like, hell he's sitting on the pavement I'm wearing upper-class Chilean clothing, why not just pay out whatever he asks, every time? What's impeding me from pulling him out of hell? Worked too, he recently got into a homeless shelter--a bullshit thing in my book, rent should be cheap so that everybody can have a home--and though I thought he was dead because he disappeared for three weeks, he showed up again asking for cash for a bus pass to go work. I said of course! I told him to come with me, we went I got myself an energy drink, got a coke instead so there was more change for him, gave him $4 in singles (bus pass is $9) so he could find that job. Pulled him out of hell.] Like I shouldn't have fought as hard as I did to never formally become homeless, if those closest to me will refuse to talk to me as if I did anyway, why not sleep under a bridge? WHY THE FUCK NOT? Makes no difference as far as stigma, I'm tough I can survive, why did I plead to not be evicted hundreds of times, cooperate with poisoners hundreds of times? It's not like Larkin 08-09 gives a fuck about me anyway like I did for them. Shows you how little people lose not getting into an Ivy League school, fair-weather friends. Although I did get disappeared very thoroughly, it was particularly foul weather. But come on take a motherfucking call! I think people hear words and trigger, like rape accusation ewww, get away from me, like immolation ewww, talk to a doctor. Or torture, ewww, don't want to get tortured, talk to a doctor. Duh there's torture in Chile, but ewww I'd rather donate a hundred bucks to ACLU as if that mattered a fuck. Don't want to risk my cushy perfect American life and get on a plane, torture is a South America thing, you asked for it by leaving America when you were 9 months old to live under a dictatorship. Who did this? Where? You actually want to know? Well if a bot wants to know, which is always the worst case on a forum, fuck that may not be somebody but it's something, I'll take it. Dr. Jorge Barros Beck, Christus San Carlos de Apoquindo, Santiago, Chile. March 29, 2009, to roughly June 6, 2009.