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I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize fo

I like this article a lot. I am just concerned that it doesn’t deal with the number one issue with apologies: the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for. Substitute yourself for “I’ve” if you’ve offended me instead of the other way around. It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. An apology should never be a lie. So, someone being asked or expected to apologize must not turn it into an empty ritual. Doing so lights a fuse that will blow up the whole relationship. I have apologized for being a source of pain or irritation, for instance, without claiming that my behavior was actually wrong. Sometimes that’s all I can do.

giraffe_lady 4y ago
In my worldview this is the difference between apology and repentance. Both are necessary in different contexts but it's also important to recognize the difference and indicate at least to yourself which one you're doing or receiving. There are probably ways to phrase "repentance" that are less religiously charged but it is a moral issue so this language works fine for me.
- UncleOxidant 4y ago
  As I understand it, repentance includes apology, but also includes a change away from the offending behavior.
akkartik 4y ago
That feels out of scope for OP. I've learned that there is such a thing as apologizing too early, when I don't actually feel sorry yet. I need to take some time to make sense of what happened and apportion responsibility in my own head for precisely what I caused. Once I arrive at that moment, though, OP feels like it might be priceless.
- satisfice 4y ago
  That would have been a good thing to talk about. Very good point. I guess I would have appreciated an expansion of scope for this article. I bet the OP is sorry about that.
etchalon 4y ago
I don't know if "I have nothing to apologize for" is the number one issue with apologies for most people.
- satisfice 4y ago
  It’s a very important issue. And you should apologize to me for hurting my feelings just now! How dare dismiss my concerns!… unless, of course, you think you have nothing to apologize for. aaannd scene! Do you see what I did, there? I am demonstrating the dynamic. I don’t really think you owe me an apology. But surely you have noticed that there is very frequently a disagreement among people about who owes who an apology and for what reasons. So the first thing in any article about apology should be what it means and why give one. A much lesser priority is how to give one.
JohnBooty 4y ago
the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for [...] It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. Who on earth is suggesting that is a good idea?
- satisfice 4y ago
  The person I was responding to did, by omitting any discussion of this problem from his writing. Don’t play dumb and then gaslight me about what I am reading. It’s possible I misread it, of course. On the other hand, perhaps you did.

giraffe_lady 4y ago

In my worldview this is the difference between apology and repentance. Both are necessary in different contexts but it's also important to recognize the difference and indicate at least to yourself which one you're doing or receiving. There are probably ways to phrase "repentance" that are less religiously charged but it is a moral issue so this language works fine for me.

UncleOxidant 4y ago
As I understand it, repentance includes apology, but also includes a change away from the offending behavior.

akkartik 4y ago

That feels out of scope for OP. I've learned that there is such a thing as apologizing too early, when I don't actually feel sorry yet. I need to take some time to make sense of what happened and apportion responsibility in my own head for precisely what I caused. Once I arrive at that moment, though, OP feels like it might be priceless.

satisfice 4y ago
That would have been a good thing to talk about. Very good point. I guess I would have appreciated an expansion of scope for this article. I bet the OP is sorry about that.

etchalon 4y ago

I don't know if "I have nothing to apologize for" is the number one issue with apologies for most people.

satisfice 4y ago
It’s a very important issue. And you should apologize to me for hurting my feelings just now! How dare dismiss my concerns!… unless, of course, you think you have nothing to apologize for. aaannd scene! Do you see what I did, there? I am demonstrating the dynamic. I don’t really think you owe me an apology. But surely you have noticed that there is very frequently a disagreement among people about who owes who an apology and for what reasons. So the first thing in any article about apology should be what it means and why give one. A much lesser priority is how to give one.

JohnBooty 4y ago

the feeling that I’ve done nothing to apologize for [...] It’s wrong to tell lies designed to manipulate people. Who on earth is suggesting that is a good idea?

satisfice 4y ago
The person I was responding to did, by omitting any discussion of this problem from his writing. Don’t play dumb and then gaslight me about what I am reading. It’s possible I misread it, of course. On the other hand, perhaps you did.