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> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that.

> I don’t think there’s any shame in being clear I want a family soon This ruins a lot of my friends dating scenarios. I think you maybe should rethink that. In my humble opinion, the laws of supply and demand are stacked against you. Most single men in there 40's expect that there partners are wanting to have kids and feel pressured by hearing it on a date. You also could miss high quality options who say they're " not ready" to have kids, when they mean that they haven't met the right person and/or haven't arrived at their desired financial level. If men think they can't provide, they are going to say "no to kids". I had a friend that was 38 and said he didn't want kids, then he was given a $70k increase ( from $110,000 to $180,000) 3 months later and then he switched to ready to have kid and was married within 6 months. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass. I think the right answer to my friend circle would be " I do really want to have kids someday with the right person, but not in the next 2 years." Then you can re-evaluate a month later if things are going good and say " we have a great connection, I really would be open to having kids much sooner. Thoughts?" I know a few guys this worked on. They just were hearing kids immediately as a red flag, when really they were more inline then what either party truly understood at the time. Think on it. Hope this helps.

sloaken 4y ago
Great idea about the 'not in the next 2 years'. I would have fallen for that myself. Myself, we waited for 4 years after marriage to have our first. Looking back, I wish we had started off having kids. We have 2 ... I wish we had 4. Oh well.
- yread 4y ago
  Just today my 2 year old drank shampoo because we haven't watched him (I was with his older brother). How do people even handle 4 kids? And how do you handle 2 such that you think that having 4 would be great?
em-bee 4y ago
this sounds like a failure of communicating more than anything else. your friend at 38 wasn't making clear why he didn't want kids. in his position i'd have said, i don't earn enough money yet for kids. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass i wonder if men who need a high income before they fell that security are potentially covering up other insecurities or are just very materialistic. i'd be wary. "not in the next 2 years." Then you can re-evaluate a month later i don't like that much. i'd prefer people clearly state their expectations. make clear what conditions you expect before you can have kids. don't have hidden criteria that make you change your mind without the other being aware. (btw, if i may say so, if we are all going to wait until we have such a high income before having kids then the birthrate is going to drop even more than it already is. but that's just another sign that raising kids in the US is just way to expensive)
- actfrench 4y ago
  I tend to agree with this. I also feel that in general men who are in my age range have a clearer idea of what they want and I try to respect that instead of trying to change things or "hook them in." In their twenties, their mind might change drastically, but not so much later in life.
- NylaTheWolf 4y ago
  > i don't like that much. i'd prefer people clearly state their expectations. make clear what conditions you expect before you can have kids. don't have hidden criteria that make you change your mind without the other being aware. That part made me uncomfy too. I'm quite young and I've never dated so take this with a grain of salt, but maybe also clarify that you're open to the fact that you may change your mind? I don't know.
actfrench 4y ago
In general, I swipe left on guys who explicitly say they don't want kids or have and don't want more. That's pretty much the extent of it. I've learned not to think I can change somebody if they are that specific that they don't want children.
- mcv 4y ago
  I totally agree. I once broke off a relationship because she was very clear about not wanting kids. I did want kids. I was madly in love otherwise, but I just couldn't see this working. Also she smoked. It was clearly a relationship where my emotions conflicted with any sense of reason.

sloaken 4y ago

Great idea about the 'not in the next 2 years'. I would have fallen for that myself. Myself, we waited for 4 years after marriage to have our first. Looking back, I wish we had started off having kids. We have 2 ... I wish we had 4. Oh well.

yread 4y ago
Just today my 2 year old drank shampoo because we haven't watched him (I was with his older brother). How do people even handle 4 kids? And how do you handle 2 such that you think that having 4 would be great?

em-bee 4y ago

this sounds like a failure of communicating more than anything else. your friend at 38 wasn't making clear why he didn't want kids. in his position i'd have said, i don't earn enough money yet for kids. Men need to feel they have a financial security or they will pass i wonder if men who need a high income before they fell that security are potentially covering up other insecurities or are just very materialistic. i'd be wary. "not in the next 2 years." Then you can re-evaluate a month later i don't like that much. i'd prefer people clearly state their expectations. make clear what conditions you expect before you can have kids. don't have hidden criteria that make you change your mind without the other being aware. (btw, if i may say so, if we are all going to wait until we have such a high income before having kids then the birthrate is going to drop even more than it already is. but that's just another sign that raising kids in the US is just way to expensive)

actfrench 4y ago
I tend to agree with this. I also feel that in general men who are in my age range have a clearer idea of what they want and I try to respect that instead of trying to change things or "hook them in." In their twenties, their mind might change drastically, but not so much later in life.
NylaTheWolf 4y ago
> i don't like that much. i'd prefer people clearly state their expectations. make clear what conditions you expect before you can have kids. don't have hidden criteria that make you change your mind without the other being aware. That part made me uncomfy too. I'm quite young and I've never dated so take this with a grain of salt, but maybe also clarify that you're open to the fact that you may change your mind? I don't know.

actfrench 4y ago

In general, I swipe left on guys who explicitly say they don't want kids or have and don't want more. That's pretty much the extent of it. I've learned not to think I can change somebody if they are that specific that they don't want children.

mcv 4y ago
I totally agree. I once broke off a relationship because she was very clear about not wanting kids. I did want kids. I was madly in love otherwise, but I just couldn't see this working. Also she smoked. It was clearly a relationship where my emotions conflicted with any sense of reason.