4 ms·

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we

> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your age…” again, via text before we even met. Please don't take what I'm about to say as an attack on you; I'm going to describe the human condition that ALL of us suffer from, using your situation as an example. What you've just described is the inverse of the kind of vibe you're giving off to potential partners, specifically: an ulterior motive. This is absolutely a turn-off because it gives the impression that the person is just secondary to the goal (a kind of "nice to have"). In your case, an incubator for their child, and in their case some sperm and 18 years of financial liability should it not work out and worst case you get full custody. When things fall apart, the war will be bitter and the one using the other will ruin both the child's and the ex-partner's life as they scorch the earth to fulfill their need. So there is already conflict and ulterior motives on both sides, and you haven't even spoken yet! Not the best place to start from... Nobody wants to be played for a fool; that's why you need a long dating process to suss out whether the other person is honorable and wants you for you, or is just using you to satisfy some need. Ideally, you'd both be without ulterior motive when you start dating, but neither party has that option anymore because the clock is ticking. So you really do need to acknowledge the elephant in the room, and work together to come up with a solution/compromise that both can be satisfied with. These include: - Not having children - Freezing eggs - Adopting - Having children before dating (sperm donors) Whichever route you're leaning towards, you're going to need to have a frank talk with any man you talk to about dating, and you'll need to have this conversation early, because BOTH of you are running low on time (you moreso than him), which breeds desperation. And desperation is a HUGE turn off unless you can both have a real, mature conversation about the reality you face, and decide whether you can work together or not. This is no easy task, which is why the dating process usually takes years. And you definitely DO NOT want to bring children into the picture until those years have been spent together. Anyone who tries to take short cuts in this part is being irresponsible, and that's a huge turn off. That's why you're disgusted by the behavior you mentioned. TBH your most likely chance for success would be to agree to adopt, because then you gain the luxury of time again and could date in peace and really get to know each other without this nagging feeling that you're merely mr/ms Right Now. But any of those solutions still have a decent chance of success, so it's on you to decide what will be your plan A and plan B, and make sure anyone you date is on board with that. The strongest signal you can give that you're a fit parent and partner is to demonstrate that you've thought this all through very carefully for the child's sake, and expect any potential partner to as well. Good luck and godspeed!

dieselgate 4y ago
I’m a guy fwiw and think this is the best comment I’ve seen so far on the thread. Mostly because: I agree with it, think the advice/reasoning about ulterior motives and the luxury of time is wise, and lays out some good alternatives for OP. Best of luck to the above poster and OP
- actfrench 4y ago
  I think that if a motivation to create a child with someone is expressed plainly and clearly, it is far from an ulterior motive. It's a genuine motive.
petre 4y ago
Maybe she wants to rule out potentialy abusive partners this way. Someone who isn't sensible enough to mention such things on a first date raises too many flags. The fertility questions are already in abusive language territory even if they're well intended.
- kstenerud 4y ago
  I think you may have misunderstood me: She is absolutely right in rejecting such interactions, because they betray a selfishness (in the bad sense) on his part, and good sensibility on her part to say no. The point of my comment is to raise awareness of the overarching problem of ulterior motives no matter how benign in the end. At this late stage in the dating scene, almost EVERYONE will have it. And there is a certain ... "selfishness" isn't the right word (English is too morally blunt to describe this), but definitely need and time pressure on the part of people when it comes to dating for the ultimate goal of having a lasting relationship AND starting a family this late in the game. It's unavoidable that your motives get mixed and jumbled, so it's especially important to communicate this and not accidentally come off as "progeny first, you second". I don't envy her or anyone in this position, because it's hard enough to communicate these when you ARE on the level and honorable, let alone trying to discern that from the selfish, abusive, whatnot people out there.
  - 4y ago

dieselgate 4y ago

I’m a guy fwiw and think this is the best comment I’ve seen so far on the thread. Mostly because: I agree with it, think the advice/reasoning about ulterior motives and the luxury of time is wise, and lays out some good alternatives for OP. Best of luck to the above poster and OP

actfrench 4y ago
I think that if a motivation to create a child with someone is expressed plainly and clearly, it is far from an ulterior motive. It's a genuine motive.

petre 4y ago

Maybe she wants to rule out potentialy abusive partners this way. Someone who isn't sensible enough to mention such things on a first date raises too many flags. The fertility questions are already in abusive language territory even if they're well intended.

kstenerud 4y ago
I think you may have misunderstood me: She is absolutely right in rejecting such interactions, because they betray a selfishness (in the bad sense) on his part, and good sensibility on her part to say no. The point of my comment is to raise awareness of the overarching problem of ulterior motives no matter how benign in the end. At this late stage in the dating scene, almost EVERYONE will have it. And there is a certain ... "selfishness" isn't the right word (English is too morally blunt to describe this), but definitely need and time pressure on the part of people when it comes to dating for the ultimate goal of having a lasting relationship AND starting a family this late in the game. It's unavoidable that your motives get mixed and jumbled, so it's especially important to communicate this and not accidentally come off as "progeny first, you second". I don't envy her or anyone in this position, because it's hard enough to communicate these when you ARE on the level and honorable, let alone trying to discern that from the selfish, abusive, whatnot people out there.
- 4y ago