7 ms·

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not

I know many educated, intelligent, attractive, kind 40 something women. Who also say they want to get married. But, are searching for a unicorn. And will not lower their unreasonable standards. Because, their dream guy doesn’t exist. Some dealbreaker’s of their’s - never married no kids degree makes 6 figures texan (even though she is in colorado) makes 7-8 figures a year (I kid you not, $1-10M / yr) dog lover vegan wants kids The list continues for these women. There will always be some ‘red flag’, that disqualifies their potential partner. Meanwhile, a man just wants - attractive, good in bed, and it’d be nice if she cooks. Today, women want it all. I don’t think men are built to be the perfect partner and best friend.

actfrench 4y ago
I actually do quite agree with you, but that’s not me! I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person. Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)
- whydoineedthis 4y ago
  "smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found marriage success, I bet you will find plenty of un-equall 'intelligence', measured by their achievements anyway. But this doesn't make them bad partners, often it makes even better actually. It's not too often you find doctor couples, that's all I'm saying.
  - Alexander33 4y ago
    Makes sense. Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc....
  - actfrench 4y ago
    This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice
    - em-bee 4y ago
      i don't know if you can see it, but a sister comment here that has been flagged states: Makes sense. Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc.... i can vouch for this 100%. growing up with a single parent of the same gender does make you subconsciously look for that missing parent. and a part of the challenge is that you don't even know what you should be looking for, so you look for something that you imagine, but you most often end up with someone who is like the other parent that you do know.
    - deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
    - duval 4y ago
      I have never once in my relationship considered who was smarter than who. What makes you so smart that this is even a thought?
    - armitron 4y ago
      If you made such a comment on a date, I'd get up and walk out without saying another word to you. To be quite honest, you do come across as somewhat naive / self-centered to the extent where I need to ask if you've ever been in a serious long-term relationship. That, combined with the sense that you're approaching this from an achievement point-of-view, makes me think that you're in for a rough time. Relationships are complicated and kids even more so. Being a good parent is not something that can be taken for granted, it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. By the way, you can't tick the "working on yourself" box by doing "therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism". These are just activities, and I'd say at least equally prone to make you a worse person as to improve you. The best way to work on yourself is to be in a healthy, dynamic relationship with someone that doesn't think you're insufferable. The compromises and attitude adjustments you'll have to make to keep the relationship going are invaluable learning (and humbling) experiences that no book or yoga teacher will ever teach you. And this is my advice to you, someone who's in his early 50s, divorced, happily remarried with kids from both marriages. It seems to me you're trying to dive before learning to swim. I would forget kids for the next 1-3 years, and focus on finding someone to be in a deep relationship with. Even if that doesn't work out, you'll be a lot better off afterwards regarding working on yourself. That will also make you a better parent.
- doggwalker 4y ago
bergenty 4y ago
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
- Galaxity 4y ago
  That's not true. Sure there are a lot of men that want a traditional wife to take care of the house, etc. But I'm not sure they are the majority of men in 2022. Lots of men out there certainly don't want or care if their wife is a homemaker. I, personally, and many people I know aren't particularly interested in that sort of wife and would prefer a "partner" that that has her own professional and personal life and goals equal to us.
  - bergenty 4y ago
    You are woefully out of touch if you think that’s what the majority of men are not looking for and that’s just in the United States. Additionally a woman working does not automatically mean she doesn’t satisfy the other criteria.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    It's so affirming to see men speak up and say they are not looking for a traditional housewife. Thank you for speaking up. I'm sure that this doesn't only impact me, but other women reading this.
- uxcolumbo 4y ago
  Who is we? Speak for yourself… it’s a very outdated view… it’s some sh!tty legacy code frequently causing problems - that badly needs rewriting. And someone more intelligent / independent wouldn’t go for that arrangement you laid out.
  - jdthedisciple 4y ago
    [flagged]

actfrench 4y ago

I actually do quite agree with you, but that’s not me! I want someone kind, loyal, good in bed, happy, smart enough and yes, I’ll admit eager to grow and learn as a person. Don’t care a wit about six figures, vegan , though all my married women friends say I should !! :)

whydoineedthis 4y ago
"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found marriage success, I bet you will find plenty of un-equall 'intelligence', measured by their achievements anyway. But this doesn't make them bad partners, often it makes even better actually. It's not too often you find doctor couples, that's all I'm saying.
- Alexander33 4y ago
  Makes sense. Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc....
- actfrench 4y ago
  This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice
  - em-bee 4y ago
    i don't know if you can see it, but a sister comment here that has been flagged states: Makes sense. Since she had no father, I suggest the Mr.Right must be somebody not only husband but also the father, irrespective of his age, i.e.must be the image of father the little girl has - the smartest man on the earth, the strongest man on the earth, etc etc.... i can vouch for this 100%. growing up with a single parent of the same gender does make you subconsciously look for that missing parent. and a part of the challenge is that you don't even know what you should be looking for, so you look for something that you imagine, but you most often end up with someone who is like the other parent that you do know.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - duval 4y ago
    I have never once in my relationship considered who was smarter than who. What makes you so smart that this is even a thought?
  - armitron 4y ago
    If you made such a comment on a date, I'd get up and walk out without saying another word to you. To be quite honest, you do come across as somewhat naive / self-centered to the extent where I need to ask if you've ever been in a serious long-term relationship. That, combined with the sense that you're approaching this from an achievement point-of-view, makes me think that you're in for a rough time. Relationships are complicated and kids even more so. Being a good parent is not something that can be taken for granted, it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. By the way, you can't tick the "working on yourself" box by doing "therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism". These are just activities, and I'd say at least equally prone to make you a worse person as to improve you. The best way to work on yourself is to be in a healthy, dynamic relationship with someone that doesn't think you're insufferable. The compromises and attitude adjustments you'll have to make to keep the relationship going are invaluable learning (and humbling) experiences that no book or yoga teacher will ever teach you. And this is my advice to you, someone who's in his early 50s, divorced, happily remarried with kids from both marriages. It seems to me you're trying to dive before learning to swim. I would forget kids for the next 1-3 years, and focus on finding someone to be in a deep relationship with. Even if that doesn't work out, you'll be a lot better off afterwards regarding working on yourself. That will also make you a better parent.
doggwalker 4y ago

bergenty 4y ago

Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.

Galaxity 4y ago
That's not true. Sure there are a lot of men that want a traditional wife to take care of the house, etc. But I'm not sure they are the majority of men in 2022. Lots of men out there certainly don't want or care if their wife is a homemaker. I, personally, and many people I know aren't particularly interested in that sort of wife and would prefer a "partner" that that has her own professional and personal life and goals equal to us.
- bergenty 4y ago
  You are woefully out of touch if you think that’s what the majority of men are not looking for and that’s just in the United States. Additionally a woman working does not automatically mean she doesn’t satisfy the other criteria.
- actfrench 4y ago
  It's so affirming to see men speak up and say they are not looking for a traditional housewife. Thank you for speaking up. I'm sure that this doesn't only impact me, but other women reading this.
uxcolumbo 4y ago
Who is we? Speak for yourself… it’s a very outdated view… it’s some sh!tty legacy code frequently causing problems - that badly needs rewriting. And someone more intelligent / independent wouldn’t go for that arrangement you laid out.
- jdthedisciple 4y ago
  [flagged]