4 ms·

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourse

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of seriously looking - in my mid twenties - to find the person I'm now married to. She was my first and only successful date from Bumble in two years of using that app. I had done everything else: met people through my faith, through social events, used all the other apps, on and on and on. Then, when we did meet, it was like lightning. It was one of the most bizarre experiences I have ever had, because I was completely convinced the kind of falling in love I experienced was a) impossible and b) would never be requited, and yet it was happening to me. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it. I've spoken to my wife about it and she felt and still feels the same way. Within maybe a few hours of meeting each other, we both suspected, and after a couple of months we knew for sure. Like you, I had dated a lot of people, and many of them fit most or all of my personal criteria, and I theirs, but they weren't the right fit for reasons I couldn't quite explain. I don't think that means my wife is "the One" or anything - there is no such thing - but I have never met anyone else I'm not related to by blood with whom I've shared this kind of connection and a romantic intent. It's incredibly tough and painful to search for that needle in a haystack, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But I believe it's possible to find for the vast majority of people. I could write a lot more on this subject, but this has probably been poetical enough for now. I hope this helps.

actfrench 4y ago
This is actually an incredibly wonderful, very validating and encouraging response. I’ve been reading a bit about light tailed and heavy tailed systems and I think that this quite reflects the heavy -tailed nature of dating but also the magic and possibility . I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still makes me believe what you say is try and recognize it. This does help and Thanks for the encouragement to keep moving forward. Thank you so so much. And I’m so very happy for you that you found your true love. It’s probably also because you and your wife have big hearts that are ready to give and receive that kind of love. Your loving spirit is certainly reflected here in this generous note to me.
- ivraatiems 4y ago
  Glad it helps! By the way, I showed what I wrote to my wife and she had three things to add: First, that I spelled lightning wrong. Second, that it's always a good idea to sit with yourself, think through all your non-superficial criteria, and try to turn them into a list where you know not just what you want, but why you want it. She hadn't been looking nearly as long as I had and she attributes a lot of her willingness to "make the call", as it were, to knowing exactly what she was looking for and why. It sounds like you may have already done that, in which case you are ahead of the game :). The last thing she wondered about is whether you have been explicit with your therapist about your goals? Self-improvement is great, but therapists aren't only for that. They can also be valuable allies in things like this. Talking to a therapist was how she figured out the second piece of advice above. > I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still makes me believe what you say is try and recognize it. This is another rough one - that sucks. I had something similar, a girl I liked quite a lot, who wasn't comfortable having an exclusive relationship with me (or anyone, I think, but I'm not sure), regardless of how much we liked each other. That one hurt a lot. Anyway, we both wish you the best of luck!
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I love you both. And I definitely need a partner who corrects my spelling and numerous typos. Better add that to the highly controversial checklist !
metadat 4y ago
This mirrors my experience almost exactly - it's like lightning, and hasn't faded even over time. I'd add it's been especially tough to date during the past two years due to the pandemic. Many high-quality people didn't even bother to be on the apps, so often the inventory wasn't very good, to say the least. Once you find your needle and get to the other side of this process, it'll feel like you're finally home and you won't even remember all the near endless pain and nonsense you've been through to get there. p.s. Sorry for chiming in so much in this thread, I'm super passionate about this topic and really feel for @actfrench. Successful dating has a high learning curve these days, to say the least. It's a huge topic, and I hope I've been at least somewhat helpful to you and other HNers.
- actfrench 4y ago
  You are a gem. I so appreciate you caring and all your wisdom metadat. I think it is really important to remember how tough it is post-pandemic. Everyone is a little traumatized, unused to social interactions, sun deprived , under-exercised etcetera Thank you thank you thank you so much for the chimes. It’s a topic I’m really passionate about too and if I do find a solution for myself I really want to use that knowledge to help others
itsthejb 4y ago
I’d warn the poster to be wary of descriptions like this of meeting “the one” - it seems already that she might be a bit too close to well marketed content that sells the dream of this experience of being a “lightning bolt from heaven”. That expectation is very appealing from romantic standpoint of lifting oneself out life’s mostly dreary mundanity…. However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity. Not the emotional explosion everyone seems to want to hold out for, but is something that is a base to build on
- ivraatiems 4y ago
  > THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity. I think you're just describing the same thing, experienced differently, because we are different people. My main point is that it's not uncommon at all to know, on some level, that what you have with a given person is very different from what you've had with others well before you're sure it's serious. > However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations I'm sorry this has been your experience. And it's true, I am telling a cute version of the story that didn't include all the hard hard work of having an actual functioning relationship. Suffice it to say that there has been a huge amount of that, as well. Something being intense does not make it easy or healthy, you're right. But I also don't think OP is wrong to hope for something like that, or that it can't happen, and I think that it happening does not necessarily mean you'll end up in a "situation".
  - actfrench 4y ago
    I loved your story
- 4y ago
archagon 4y ago
What leads you to believe it’s possible for the “vast majority”? Isn’t it far more likely that this sort of spark is relatively rare?
- ivraatiems 4y ago
  I guess I don't have hard evidence. But here's a statistical game I like to play: Suppose that 0.0001% of the US population - a vanishingly small amount - could produce that "spark" for you, and are actively looking for someone. That's about 33,000 people. There's about 20,000 cities and towns in the US, according to Google, so on average, there's between 1 and 2 people in every city in the country who are the right person for you. And people move around, and a big city probably has proportionally many more people than a small town. So if OP lives in a city with a million people in it, maybe there's 5 or 6 or 10 people who are the right fit. But they're looking, and so are you... so it's just a matter of time. Like so many other things, it's just a numbers game.
  - darken 4y ago
    Sorry to be this person, but 0.0001% is 1 in 1 million -- so about 330 people in the US. So maybe need to settle for that 1 in 10,000 person-- 1 in a million is a bit tricky logistically.
  - muro 4y ago
    I think your math is off. 0.0001% of US population is only about 300 people, so about 6 per US state. :)
- actfrench 4y ago
  Great question!!!!
actfrench 4y ago
I'm reading back again through all the comments on this thread- and I just want to say that yours is one of few that have provided me with real encouragement and validation and been respectful to women. I really want to thank you for being so kind and understanding and supporting me in moving forward.

actfrench 4y ago

This is actually an incredibly wonderful, very validating and encouraging response. I’ve been reading a bit about light tailed and heavy tailed systems and I think that this quite reflects the heavy -tailed nature of dating but also the magic and possibility . I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still makes me believe what you say is try and recognize it. This does help and Thanks for the encouragement to keep moving forward. Thank you so so much. And I’m so very happy for you that you found your true love. It’s probably also because you and your wife have big hearts that are ready to give and receive that kind of love. Your loving spirit is certainly reflected here in this generous note to me.

ivraatiems 4y ago
Glad it helps! By the way, I showed what I wrote to my wife and she had three things to add: First, that I spelled lightning wrong. Second, that it's always a good idea to sit with yourself, think through all your non-superficial criteria, and try to turn them into a list where you know not just what you want, but why you want it. She hadn't been looking nearly as long as I had and she attributes a lot of her willingness to "make the call", as it were, to knowing exactly what she was looking for and why. It sounds like you may have already done that, in which case you are ahead of the game :). The last thing she wondered about is whether you have been explicit with your therapist about your goals? Self-improvement is great, but therapists aren't only for that. They can also be valuable allies in things like this. Talking to a therapist was how she figured out the second piece of advice above. > I actually had a similar experience with meeting my first boyfriend on bumble and while he ultimately decided he didn’t want to have a child with me, it still makes me believe what you say is try and recognize it. This is another rough one - that sucks. I had something similar, a girl I liked quite a lot, who wasn't comfortable having an exclusive relationship with me (or anyone, I think, but I'm not sure), regardless of how much we liked each other. That one hurt a lot. Anyway, we both wish you the best of luck!
- actfrench 4y ago
  I love you both. And I definitely need a partner who corrects my spelling and numerous typos. Better add that to the highly controversial checklist !

metadat 4y ago

This mirrors my experience almost exactly - it's like lightning, and hasn't faded even over time. I'd add it's been especially tough to date during the past two years due to the pandemic. Many high-quality people didn't even bother to be on the apps, so often the inventory wasn't very good, to say the least. Once you find your needle and get to the other side of this process, it'll feel like you're finally home and you won't even remember all the near endless pain and nonsense you've been through to get there. p.s. Sorry for chiming in so much in this thread, I'm super passionate about this topic and really feel for @actfrench. Successful dating has a high learning curve these days, to say the least. It's a huge topic, and I hope I've been at least somewhat helpful to you and other HNers.

actfrench 4y ago
You are a gem. I so appreciate you caring and all your wisdom metadat. I think it is really important to remember how tough it is post-pandemic. Everyone is a little traumatized, unused to social interactions, sun deprived , under-exercised etcetera Thank you thank you thank you so much for the chimes. It’s a topic I’m really passionate about too and if I do find a solution for myself I really want to use that knowledge to help others

itsthejb 4y ago

I’d warn the poster to be wary of descriptions like this of meeting “the one” - it seems already that she might be a bit too close to well marketed content that sells the dream of this experience of being a “lightning bolt from heaven”. That expectation is very appealing from romantic standpoint of lifting oneself out life’s mostly dreary mundanity…. However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity. Not the emotional explosion everyone seems to want to hold out for, but is something that is a base to build on

ivraatiems 4y ago
> THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity. I think you're just describing the same thing, experienced differently, because we are different people. My main point is that it's not uncommon at all to know, on some level, that what you have with a given person is very different from what you've had with others well before you're sure it's serious. > However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations I'm sorry this has been your experience. And it's true, I am telling a cute version of the story that didn't include all the hard hard work of having an actual functioning relationship. Suffice it to say that there has been a huge amount of that, as well. Something being intense does not make it easy or healthy, you're right. But I also don't think OP is wrong to hope for something like that, or that it can't happen, and I think that it happening does not necessarily mean you'll end up in a "situation".
- actfrench 4y ago
  I loved your story
4y ago

archagon 4y ago

What leads you to believe it’s possible for the “vast majority”? Isn’t it far more likely that this sort of spark is relatively rare?

ivraatiems 4y ago
I guess I don't have hard evidence. But here's a statistical game I like to play: Suppose that 0.0001% of the US population - a vanishingly small amount - could produce that "spark" for you, and are actively looking for someone. That's about 33,000 people. There's about 20,000 cities and towns in the US, according to Google, so on average, there's between 1 and 2 people in every city in the country who are the right person for you. And people move around, and a big city probably has proportionally many more people than a small town. So if OP lives in a city with a million people in it, maybe there's 5 or 6 or 10 people who are the right fit. But they're looking, and so are you... so it's just a matter of time. Like so many other things, it's just a numbers game.
- darken 4y ago
  Sorry to be this person, but 0.0001% is 1 in 1 million -- so about 330 people in the US. So maybe need to settle for that 1 in 10,000 person-- 1 in a million is a bit tricky logistically.
- muro 4y ago
  I think your math is off. 0.0001% of US population is only about 300 people, so about 6 per US state. :)
actfrench 4y ago
Great question!!!!

actfrench 4y ago

I'm reading back again through all the comments on this thread- and I just want to say that yours is one of few that have provided me with real encouragement and validation and been respectful to women. I really want to thank you for being so kind and understanding and supporting me in moving forward.