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The good news is a lot of this is easily fixed, by learning what's important and what isn't in your pursuit of romance! >By most cultural standards, according

The good news is a lot of this is easily fixed, by learning what's important and what isn't in your pursuit of romance! >By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart, This is pretty irrelevant, even if true, which is always suspect coming from guys. It's also a very common BS compliment. > beautiful, If guys are using the B word, it probably means you are not attractive/hot/sexy, which is what the vast majority of guys care about. So, that should probably be your first priority to rectify. To quickly go through the rest of what you seemingly find relevant to matchmaking: "Fit"—this only matters if it makes you hot, or if you are so un-fit you are debilitated or extremely not-hot. "Kind"—this is nice; a lot of guys enjoy spending time around actually kind/selfless women, but it's also given as a very common BS compliment. "Emotionally mature"—irrelevant; you only have to be not-insane. "Doing meaningful work"—200% irrelevant; guys do not need you to do meaningful work, and it does not make you more attractive to them if you're doing it. >Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . This right here means your problem is your expectations, or a wildly effective set of red flags scaring everybody off. Men are easy, so it's probably the former. >I’ve deeply invested myself in therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, ... and hypnotism. You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts. >yoga This, is actually productive. It's healthy, and very tangential to Hot for a lot of guys. >I’ve read and done the exercises in Calling In the One, Love Addiction, Datonomics, Make Your Move and If the Buddha dated. I’ve listened to every episode of Girls Gotta Eat. You should definitely stop this, as well. The wisdom you're gleaning from them is obviously terrible, if you went on dates with 120 guys and got nowhere. >I’ve gone to CrossFit and hung out at steakhouses. I’ve dated every profession you can think of from doctors to electricians and unemployed guys. Good experience, but useless in the long run if you don't also fix your broken expectations, and reorient your objectives towards what guys are actually attracted to. If you want to know what would actually make a guy consider a long term relationship with you, ask a basic guy's-guy what he would say if another guy asked the question; or better yet, have a guy ask the question to begin with. There will always be a filter between guys and you, telling them to answer questions like that in a false, socially acceptable manner. TL;DR — 1) Reevaluate yourself, through the lens of what guys care about(attractiveness, youth, comfort at home, humor and wit, sensuality, mutual interests), to understand what league you probably need to be looking in. 2) Cultivate those things guys care about. Cultivate interests guys-you-like tend to have. 3) Identify guys you would like a future with — they should be at least ~2%+ of men your age — and actually, actively pursue that future with them.

ivraatiems 4y ago
When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woman. A lot of this advice, though refreshingly frank, is not advice that I think is likely to get the OP what she wants if she wants a deep relationship. There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or people being kind or mature, but frankly, those are all things I and most of my friends care about more than looks. Not that I've never been superficial - far from it - but I care very much about deeper things and I couldn't have a healthy marriage without them. Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing but who would lie to a friend about either? > You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts. I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because they are doing things to try to improve themselves, that reflects more poorly on you than it does on them. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration. I do generally agree that if something isn't working, throwing more effort at it without change probably isn't a good idea. I just don't think the solutions you're advocating for will work.
- norlytho 4y ago
  >When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woma No, it's not specific; it's very wide and applicable to a large majority of guys. Also, there is no such thing as "superficially compatible"; either you are compatible and can develop the relationship into more, or you are not compatible and are only pretending you actually like to be around eachother. OP has been obsessing over the elements that are superficial, and she has been entirely ignorant of components that are important for compatibility with men. >There's a lot of blanket statements here. Yes. Correct. That is how you successfully date. It is a numbers game. It is not about finding the .000000000143% of the population that is your "The One", it's about finding the 1% of the population that you could be happily ever after with, and making sure you are also attractive to them. >Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not. >Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing Obviously they are not the same thing. Dogs and manicured lawns are beautiful. They are never hot. Beautiful exists to mean "something I like looking at but not because it's sexually attractive". >but who would lie to a friend about either? A crapload of people. It's a classic puffery compliment, because it's 100% subjective and 0% able to be discredited. >I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because You can challenge it all you want. Women who think self help books and tarot cards will land them a man is a huge red flag to a vast majority of men. It is evidence that they are not "emotionally mature", as they claim to be, because these things are not difficult for an emotionally mature woman to learn and understand. Men are not that complicated. >There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration. If by "for self-exploration" you mean "for a laugh", sure. If you actually go home at the end of the day and say "why aren't I married, I read XYZ and saw ABC therapist", yes, that is a large indication you have a potentially damaging social malfunction.

ivraatiems 4y ago

When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woman. A lot of this advice, though refreshingly frank, is not advice that I think is likely to get the OP what she wants if she wants a deep relationship. There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or people being kind or mature, but frankly, those are all things I and most of my friends care about more than looks. Not that I've never been superficial - far from it - but I care very much about deeper things and I couldn't have a healthy marriage without them. Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing but who would lie to a friend about either? > You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts. I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because they are doing things to try to improve themselves, that reflects more poorly on you than it does on them. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration. I do generally agree that if something isn't working, throwing more effort at it without change probably isn't a good idea. I just don't think the solutions you're advocating for will work.

norlytho 4y ago
>When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woma No, it's not specific; it's very wide and applicable to a large majority of guys. Also, there is no such thing as "superficially compatible"; either you are compatible and can develop the relationship into more, or you are not compatible and are only pretending you actually like to be around eachother. OP has been obsessing over the elements that are superficial, and she has been entirely ignorant of components that are important for compatibility with men. >There's a lot of blanket statements here. Yes. Correct. That is how you successfully date. It is a numbers game. It is not about finding the .000000000143% of the population that is your "The One", it's about finding the 1% of the population that you could be happily ever after with, and making sure you are also attractive to them. >Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or No. Guys don't care about that, period. It is a sexed trait. Women find high value in men's work. Men do not. >Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing Obviously they are not the same thing. Dogs and manicured lawns are beautiful. They are never hot. Beautiful exists to mean "something I like looking at but not because it's sexually attractive". >but who would lie to a friend about either? A crapload of people. It's a classic puffery compliment, because it's 100% subjective and 0% able to be discredited. >I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because You can challenge it all you want. Women who think self help books and tarot cards will land them a man is a huge red flag to a vast majority of men. It is evidence that they are not "emotionally mature", as they claim to be, because these things are not difficult for an emotionally mature woman to learn and understand. Men are not that complicated. >There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration. If by "for self-exploration" you mean "for a laugh", sure. If you actually go home at the end of the day and say "why aren't I married, I read XYZ and saw ABC therapist", yes, that is a large indication you have a potentially damaging social malfunction.