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I am so sorry to hear that this has been happening to your child. It is absolutely 100% your responsibility of your child's teachers to protect your child from

I am so sorry to hear that this has been happening to your child. It is absolutely 100% your responsibility of your child's teachers to protect your child from getting hurt (whether it's intentional or unintentional) And it's completely your right and your prerogative as a parent to insist that they do so. Pacifists should be strong and stand up for themselves. When I think of Ghandi, Martin Luther King, these are very strong and powerful people Pacifist does not mean pacifism. I think you can talk to him about standing up for himself, but really age 3 is very young. If anything, you can model standing up for yourself verbally. However, at age 3, the most important is that you insist that your teachers take care and protect him from getting hurt. If they are not responsive, I would suggest you leave that daycare. If you need another childcare option, I'll help you find one. Your kid is too young to defend himself. He's only three. He needs the support of attentive staff who know how to protect children and set appropriate limits for kids bullying or roughousing - contacting their parents if necessary. The best way to teach your son to stand up for himself is to stand up for him NOW.

conductr 4y ago
Thanks very much and totally appreciate the concern! I think perhaps my words or tone miscommunicated the severity of the issue and that it's more of a future concern given his peaceful personality and my opinion that it will be targeted/challenged by a future bully (unless my kid lucks into some high status level/popularity within the social order of his future peers). I really do think what has happened to date; it's very normal toddler version of "boys being boys" and he's not actually being bullied. If you're around kids, boys especially, you know/see that those with older siblings (esp. brothers) play differently/rougher then those with no siblings. And conflict mitigation tactics are too advanced to teach; even the concept of "sharing" falls apart when the other party does not grasp it. We certainly talk to teachers/admins when something concerning happens and have requested separation from certain individual kids that are repeatedly problems. It's never been an issue and the teachers are as watchful/caring as can be expected. Our son doesn't quite have the skills to verbalize things so that's part of the problem (is a kid friend/enemy? did you do something to cause it? was it accident/on purpose? Context becomes fuzzy but is important). All in all, he's our only and things like this are exactly why we wanted him to go to a daycare vs nanny/in-home care. The social skills he's acquired far outweigh the difficulties of this topic. However, all said, I wish I knew how to talk to him about it when he does confide in me about something happening; I feel like I'm floundering in those moments. And again, how/when to have those conversations about self-defense. He's too young now, but I feel like the world has a zero-tolerance on violence and I don't agree with that approach. One day, I will teach my kid to hit back and I'd like to at least read other opinions on how that conversation should go. It seems like a taboo subject. But, I don't care if my kid get's the punishment under a zero-tolerance school for hitting back/self defense. This is probably the crux of my dilemma, I have to teach him something that goes against his school's rules and explain how violence is OK in a very conditional way that nobody else will talk about yet also teach him that following rules is important.
- actfrench 4y ago
  I think this is pretty typical daycare behavior but it doesn’t mean it’s ok and shouldn’t be dealt with. certainly would encourage your son to use his words and set healthy boundaries, such as “you may not hit me.” And to ask for help from the teacher. I would not encourage to teach him to hit back as that would most certainly escalate the situation and put him in greater danger as a child and adult. Not sure about “boys will be boys “ that seems to be normalizing male violence in a way I don’t agree with and am uncomfortable with. Would it be ok with you if a colleague hit you ? No it’s not ok at work and not ok at the Oscars. These boys rough housing need to learn to self-regulate and that is best done by a skilled educator who helps them learn and sets healthy boundaries with healthy consequences. You might want to consider enrolling him in a karate class or some other martial arts class if you want to teach him how to have a strong presence that no one messes with and defend, not attack if absolutely necessary. I will share that at three times in my life, I’ve been in danger of a sexual assault, once at the door of my apartment in nyc at 5am, once in the Paris subway and once in a stairwell in Haifa . In each occasion , without thinking I turned around , hit my attackers arm away from me and screamed in my loudest deepest voice from the depths of my lungs “NOooooo!!!!” In each occasion they swiveled around and ran for their life (I will add I’m a petite 5’4 woman and they were much taller and stronger ) Had I hit them back, the situation might have ended much differently. Please do not teach your child to hit back. Please know it is normal to ask teachers to intervene if your child is physically hurt. When you intervene on behalf of your young child, he will feel safer and so he will feel stronger because he knows you are protecting him he will develop the power to protect himself.

conductr 4y ago

Thanks very much and totally appreciate the concern! I think perhaps my words or tone miscommunicated the severity of the issue and that it's more of a future concern given his peaceful personality and my opinion that it will be targeted/challenged by a future bully (unless my kid lucks into some high status level/popularity within the social order of his future peers). I really do think what has happened to date; it's very normal toddler version of "boys being boys" and he's not actually being bullied. If you're around kids, boys especially, you know/see that those with older siblings (esp. brothers) play differently/rougher then those with no siblings. And conflict mitigation tactics are too advanced to teach; even the concept of "sharing" falls apart when the other party does not grasp it. We certainly talk to teachers/admins when something concerning happens and have requested separation from certain individual kids that are repeatedly problems. It's never been an issue and the teachers are as watchful/caring as can be expected. Our son doesn't quite have the skills to verbalize things so that's part of the problem (is a kid friend/enemy? did you do something to cause it? was it accident/on purpose? Context becomes fuzzy but is important). All in all, he's our only and things like this are exactly why we wanted him to go to a daycare vs nanny/in-home care. The social skills he's acquired far outweigh the difficulties of this topic. However, all said, I wish I knew how to talk to him about it when he does confide in me about something happening; I feel like I'm floundering in those moments. And again, how/when to have those conversations about self-defense. He's too young now, but I feel like the world has a zero-tolerance on violence and I don't agree with that approach. One day, I will teach my kid to hit back and I'd like to at least read other opinions on how that conversation should go. It seems like a taboo subject. But, I don't care if my kid get's the punishment under a zero-tolerance school for hitting back/self defense. This is probably the crux of my dilemma, I have to teach him something that goes against his school's rules and explain how violence is OK in a very conditional way that nobody else will talk about yet also teach him that following rules is important.

actfrench 4y ago
I think this is pretty typical daycare behavior but it doesn’t mean it’s ok and shouldn’t be dealt with. certainly would encourage your son to use his words and set healthy boundaries, such as “you may not hit me.” And to ask for help from the teacher. I would not encourage to teach him to hit back as that would most certainly escalate the situation and put him in greater danger as a child and adult. Not sure about “boys will be boys “ that seems to be normalizing male violence in a way I don’t agree with and am uncomfortable with. Would it be ok with you if a colleague hit you ? No it’s not ok at work and not ok at the Oscars. These boys rough housing need to learn to self-regulate and that is best done by a skilled educator who helps them learn and sets healthy boundaries with healthy consequences. You might want to consider enrolling him in a karate class or some other martial arts class if you want to teach him how to have a strong presence that no one messes with and defend, not attack if absolutely necessary. I will share that at three times in my life, I’ve been in danger of a sexual assault, once at the door of my apartment in nyc at 5am, once in the Paris subway and once in a stairwell in Haifa . In each occasion , without thinking I turned around , hit my attackers arm away from me and screamed in my loudest deepest voice from the depths of my lungs “NOooooo!!!!” In each occasion they swiveled around and ran for their life (I will add I’m a petite 5’4 woman and they were much taller and stronger ) Had I hit them back, the situation might have ended much differently. Please do not teach your child to hit back. Please know it is normal to ask teachers to intervene if your child is physically hurt. When you intervene on behalf of your young child, he will feel safer and so he will feel stronger because he knows you are protecting him he will develop the power to protect himself.