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All my kids tantrum for literal hours. I think the eldest used to do up to 4 hours when mom went out. Often it lasts to the point they fall asleep or vomit. A n

by muzani 4y ago

All my kids tantrum for literal hours. I think the eldest used to do up to 4 hours when mom went out. Often it lasts to the point they fall asleep or vomit. A neighbor even suggested an exorcist. I think one child has realized that if they escalate it, we stop ignoring them. So instead of going on for hours, they just hit someone or do something drastic like threatening to destroy the TV. That brings in an ultimatum and they can admit defeat honorably. I don't think this is the best way to do it, though. They get plenty of sleep now - we found that it does cut it down a lot. There's a loop where they're too tired to sleep, always tired because they're not sleeping enough. So it's usually dinner at 6-7, lights out by 9. We find that being proactive works - "Mommy's going out for a few hours and will bring back ice cream if you behave." But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice.

conductr 4y ago
>But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice I didn't see if you mentioned ages which is likely a big factor. I only have one kid that's 3.7 but tantrums have been rare for us; probably just different kids and the fact he get's all our attention but here's a couple things we do and mainly it's about preventatively avoiding the triggers to a tantrum situation 1. talk everything out ahead of it happening so it's not a surprise when it happens, remind them repeatedly, and make it positive 2. when I know Mom will be gone and that might be tough, I plan a few things that are different or fun and we only ever do those things during that time so he is actually excited that Mom is leaving (we call it having Dada/[son's name] fun time). I'll talk about these things during #1 and he'll tell Mom about it when she returns 3. just me, but I wouldn't mention ice cream to my kid until afterwards as a reward for the decent behavior (he wouldn't think about the fact he behaved poorly and would just expect ice cream when Mom got home then it would be WW3, I'd have to then stick to my guns because I never cave in to the tantrum) 4. sleep management as discussed, hunger as well 5. we never ignore it. we shut it down and discuss how that behavior is completely unacceptable. we allow the time for him to calm down, have a time out if it went that direction, then we reflect on the event and have a conversation about why [whatever it was] is happening and why their attitude is not acceptable. our kid responds to being talked to like an adult, we just have to break it down and explain the reasoning and he understands it. 6. a majority of our tantrums are due to his sense of something not being fair. Like if we changed our mind on something without fully explaining, or in an undeserving punitive way. So we avoid this. We strive to be fair in our interactions. See the ice cream example in #3 and proactively avoiding a potential moment of perceived inequity. 7. Communicate a lot. Explain your rationale. Don't be a dictator type parent. I think this is common parenting and takes some creativity/patience to never say "because I said so". Best of luck to you!
- 11101010001100 4y ago
  About the dictator type parent; I remember being about 10yo or so, coming home from school and stating that 'this family is not a democracy' to which my father replied 'correct'.
  - conductr 4y ago
    Lol. I find those lines super funny as a Dad and also applaud the fact he was able to parent in a way that left the impression it was a democracy for the first 10 years :) A lot of these parenting tricks/tips, even when they work, are not silver bullets but instead all have an expiration and you have to pivot to something else hoping you built a solid foundation for whatever is next. They work until they don't kind of thing. In that moment, I imagine your Dad was leveling up to face whatever brand of pre-teen/teen rebellion type stuff that was laying ahead
actfrench 4y ago
I'm really sorry to hear this. And I want to share that what you've said here concerns me. I've been working with children for over twenty years and I would say that it's highly unusual to hear of a child throw a tantrum for four hours at a time. And especially concerning to hear that they're being violent or destroying things in your house. I would be the last person to try to diagnose someone from a thread on hacker news (and forgive me if you've already done this), but it's possible, I would strongly recommend that you reach out to a qualified therapist for support. It's possible that their might be other issues at play in what's causing these tantrums such as autism, sensory processing disorder or attachment disorder. A qualified behavioral interventionist can help. I would also be concerned about what is going on when you are not at home. Maybe there is a good reason for them to feel unsafe when you leave the house. I'm not sure who is there when you are gone, but there are so many cases of children being sexually abused by family members and sitters (steparents, uncles, cousins, siblings) and this is something we unfortunately need to be on guard for. I'm not saying this to scare you, but getting to the bottom of what's going on while you're gone could be important. I'm happy to hear that getting more sleep has helped your family. Sleep is golden! And it's also wonderful that you are explaining things clearly to the kids about when you're going out and when you get back. I am a huge fan of explaining things in the most minute detail possible to children so they understand your need and the logic of the situation. If you don't need additional help and feel you have this situation under control, forgive me for weighing in. However, if you would like support and knowledge about additional resources to pursue, I would be very happy to speak to you further and be of support. You seem like a very caring and wonderful parent and every parent deserves as much support as they can get in raising their kids. My email is manisha[at]modulo[dot]app Please feel free to reach out anytime

by muzani 4y ago

conductr 4y ago

>But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice I didn't see if you mentioned ages which is likely a big factor. I only have one kid that's 3.7 but tantrums have been rare for us; probably just different kids and the fact he get's all our attention but here's a couple things we do and mainly it's about preventatively avoiding the triggers to a tantrum situation 1. talk everything out ahead of it happening so it's not a surprise when it happens, remind them repeatedly, and make it positive 2. when I know Mom will be gone and that might be tough, I plan a few things that are different or fun and we only ever do those things during that time so he is actually excited that Mom is leaving (we call it having Dada/[son's name] fun time). I'll talk about these things during #1 and he'll tell Mom about it when she returns 3. just me, but I wouldn't mention ice cream to my kid until afterwards as a reward for the decent behavior (he wouldn't think about the fact he behaved poorly and would just expect ice cream when Mom got home then it would be WW3, I'd have to then stick to my guns because I never cave in to the tantrum) 4. sleep management as discussed, hunger as well 5. we never ignore it. we shut it down and discuss how that behavior is completely unacceptable. we allow the time for him to calm down, have a time out if it went that direction, then we reflect on the event and have a conversation about why [whatever it was] is happening and why their attitude is not acceptable. our kid responds to being talked to like an adult, we just have to break it down and explain the reasoning and he understands it. 6. a majority of our tantrums are due to his sense of something not being fair. Like if we changed our mind on something without fully explaining, or in an undeserving punitive way. So we avoid this. We strive to be fair in our interactions. See the ice cream example in #3 and proactively avoiding a potential moment of perceived inequity. 7. Communicate a lot. Explain your rationale. Don't be a dictator type parent. I think this is common parenting and takes some creativity/patience to never say "because I said so". Best of luck to you!

11101010001100 4y ago
About the dictator type parent; I remember being about 10yo or so, coming home from school and stating that 'this family is not a democracy' to which my father replied 'correct'.
- conductr 4y ago
  Lol. I find those lines super funny as a Dad and also applaud the fact he was able to parent in a way that left the impression it was a democracy for the first 10 years :) A lot of these parenting tricks/tips, even when they work, are not silver bullets but instead all have an expiration and you have to pivot to something else hoping you built a solid foundation for whatever is next. They work until they don't kind of thing. In that moment, I imagine your Dad was leveling up to face whatever brand of pre-teen/teen rebellion type stuff that was laying ahead

actfrench 4y ago

I'm really sorry to hear this. And I want to share that what you've said here concerns me. I've been working with children for over twenty years and I would say that it's highly unusual to hear of a child throw a tantrum for four hours at a time. And especially concerning to hear that they're being violent or destroying things in your house. I would be the last person to try to diagnose someone from a thread on hacker news (and forgive me if you've already done this), but it's possible, I would strongly recommend that you reach out to a qualified therapist for support. It's possible that their might be other issues at play in what's causing these tantrums such as autism, sensory processing disorder or attachment disorder. A qualified behavioral interventionist can help. I would also be concerned about what is going on when you are not at home. Maybe there is a good reason for them to feel unsafe when you leave the house. I'm not sure who is there when you are gone, but there are so many cases of children being sexually abused by family members and sitters (steparents, uncles, cousins, siblings) and this is something we unfortunately need to be on guard for. I'm not saying this to scare you, but getting to the bottom of what's going on while you're gone could be important. I'm happy to hear that getting more sleep has helped your family. Sleep is golden! And it's also wonderful that you are explaining things clearly to the kids about when you're going out and when you get back. I am a huge fan of explaining things in the most minute detail possible to children so they understand your need and the logic of the situation. If you don't need additional help and feel you have this situation under control, forgive me for weighing in. However, if you would like support and knowledge about additional resources to pursue, I would be very happy to speak to you further and be of support. You seem like a very caring and wonderful parent and every parent deserves as much support as they can get in raising their kids. My email is manisha[at]modulo[dot]app Please feel free to reach out anytime