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Father of five kids. All kids are different, so only speaking for mine. Smaller kids usually tantrum when they are overtired (or over sugared or something else

Father of five kids. All kids are different, so only speaking for mine. Smaller kids usually tantrum when they are overtired (or over sugared or something else affecting them) OR because they are trying to manipulate to get what they want. Once you are used to it, you can tell pretty quickly which one it is. A tired kid needs to chill down to normal and/or take a brief nap. Getting them to a quiet place for a bit is good. At home, usually just their bedroom. Some kids have individual ways we've learned of calming down once we get there. Some are just going to do their thing for fifteen minutes, and then can calm down. In either case, usually less simulation helps. We'll check to see if they've not been getting enough sleep and adjust if needed. The manipulation kind is pretty easy to deal with. Just make sure it doesn't get the desired results, stay chill yourself, and minimize the noise on other people. Our kids always seem to try on and off for a couple months, but once it clearly doesn't work, they just stop. If we are home we just let them lay on the floor and tantrum away until they get up and go back about life. If we are out, one of us would take them to the car until they are done. Escalating it by escalating it by threats/demands/punishments/drama/negotiation/fear/pleading just seems to fuel the fire. In either case it's a temporary situation that will automatically resolve itself as long as you don't escalate or encourage it. You don't have to "fix" it. This means you can be pretty chill during.

muzani 4y ago
All my kids tantrum for literal hours. I think the eldest used to do up to 4 hours when mom went out. Often it lasts to the point they fall asleep or vomit. A neighbor even suggested an exorcist. I think one child has realized that if they escalate it, we stop ignoring them. So instead of going on for hours, they just hit someone or do something drastic like threatening to destroy the TV. That brings in an ultimatum and they can admit defeat honorably. I don't think this is the best way to do it, though. They get plenty of sleep now - we found that it does cut it down a lot. There's a loop where they're too tired to sleep, always tired because they're not sleeping enough. So it's usually dinner at 6-7, lights out by 9. We find that being proactive works - "Mommy's going out for a few hours and will bring back ice cream if you behave." But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice.
- conductr 4y ago
  >But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice I didn't see if you mentioned ages which is likely a big factor. I only have one kid that's 3.7 but tantrums have been rare for us; probably just different kids and the fact he get's all our attention but here's a couple things we do and mainly it's about preventatively avoiding the triggers to a tantrum situation 1. talk everything out ahead of it happening so it's not a surprise when it happens, remind them repeatedly, and make it positive 2. when I know Mom will be gone and that might be tough, I plan a few things that are different or fun and we only ever do those things during that time so he is actually excited that Mom is leaving (we call it having Dada/[son's name] fun time). I'll talk about these things during #1 and he'll tell Mom about it when she returns 3. just me, but I wouldn't mention ice cream to my kid until afterwards as a reward for the decent behavior (he wouldn't think about the fact he behaved poorly and would just expect ice cream when Mom got home then it would be WW3, I'd have to then stick to my guns because I never cave in to the tantrum) 4. sleep management as discussed, hunger as well 5. we never ignore it. we shut it down and discuss how that behavior is completely unacceptable. we allow the time for him to calm down, have a time out if it went that direction, then we reflect on the event and have a conversation about why [whatever it was] is happening and why their attitude is not acceptable. our kid responds to being talked to like an adult, we just have to break it down and explain the reasoning and he understands it. 6. a majority of our tantrums are due to his sense of something not being fair. Like if we changed our mind on something without fully explaining, or in an undeserving punitive way. So we avoid this. We strive to be fair in our interactions. See the ice cream example in #3 and proactively avoiding a potential moment of perceived inequity. 7. Communicate a lot. Explain your rationale. Don't be a dictator type parent. I think this is common parenting and takes some creativity/patience to never say "because I said so". Best of luck to you!
  - 11101010001100 4y ago
    About the dictator type parent; I remember being about 10yo or so, coming home from school and stating that 'this family is not a democracy' to which my father replied 'correct'.
actfrench 4y ago
I would disagree with this wording "are trying to manipulate to get what they want." And it sounds like from the rest of the things you said, that you also agree with me that it's important to focus on the unmet need. Younger kids generally throw tantrums because they have a need that is not being met. It is possible that they may learn over time that a parent gives them whatever they want when they throw a tantrum, but this comes with time. I think that whether you're dealing with a manipulative child or a manipulative adult, there is always a need that's not being met, whether that's a need for love, validation, more sleep or a healthier breakfast. Rarely is a young child going to consciously decide to throw a tantrum to get some naughty, forbidden thing. Let's be realistic. THey're not criminal masterminds. These tantrums are rarely pre-meditated. Why not trust your child, give them the benefit of the doubt and not assume they are lying or trying to manipulate you? I bet if they see your trust, they'll tell you the truth about what's really bothering them. It can be confusing for a young child to try to sort through it all and figure out what they need. So you can help them! And if you really feel this tantrum is just a ploy to get what they want, then you may have taught them that they did get what they want when they threw tantrums in the mast. Maybe consider having a talk with them about how the past where you simply say, hey, I know that in the past I've given you candy when you cried, but I'm not going to do that anymore because I see it's making you cry more. I understand you are sad and can continue to cry for candy if you want, but I'm not going to give it to you. THe time you will get candy is xyz. Janet Lansbury did a whole podcast on how to address a situation where a child's emotions seem fake and manipulative here https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions-seem-fake-and-manipulative/ https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions...
- digisign 4y ago
  You may not be giving kids enough credit. Sure they may not be able to do these things at two but a four year old is a lot more cunning. I could give examples, but everyone's got 'em.
  - actfrench 4y ago
    No 4 year old ever pre-meditated a temper tantrum. They may have learned it gets them what they want, but there’s probably a good reason they want that thing that can be explored abd they can be taught better ways of asking for what they want and need or dealing when they don’t get it. They are not malicious

muzani 4y ago

All my kids tantrum for literal hours. I think the eldest used to do up to 4 hours when mom went out. Often it lasts to the point they fall asleep or vomit. A neighbor even suggested an exorcist. I think one child has realized that if they escalate it, we stop ignoring them. So instead of going on for hours, they just hit someone or do something drastic like threatening to destroy the TV. That brings in an ultimatum and they can admit defeat honorably. I don't think this is the best way to do it, though. They get plenty of sleep now - we found that it does cut it down a lot. There's a loop where they're too tired to sleep, always tired because they're not sleeping enough. So it's usually dinner at 6-7, lights out by 9. We find that being proactive works - "Mommy's going out for a few hours and will bring back ice cream if you behave." But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice.

conductr 4y ago
>But a checklist for defusing tantrums when they happen would be nice I didn't see if you mentioned ages which is likely a big factor. I only have one kid that's 3.7 but tantrums have been rare for us; probably just different kids and the fact he get's all our attention but here's a couple things we do and mainly it's about preventatively avoiding the triggers to a tantrum situation 1. talk everything out ahead of it happening so it's not a surprise when it happens, remind them repeatedly, and make it positive 2. when I know Mom will be gone and that might be tough, I plan a few things that are different or fun and we only ever do those things during that time so he is actually excited that Mom is leaving (we call it having Dada/[son's name] fun time). I'll talk about these things during #1 and he'll tell Mom about it when she returns 3. just me, but I wouldn't mention ice cream to my kid until afterwards as a reward for the decent behavior (he wouldn't think about the fact he behaved poorly and would just expect ice cream when Mom got home then it would be WW3, I'd have to then stick to my guns because I never cave in to the tantrum) 4. sleep management as discussed, hunger as well 5. we never ignore it. we shut it down and discuss how that behavior is completely unacceptable. we allow the time for him to calm down, have a time out if it went that direction, then we reflect on the event and have a conversation about why [whatever it was] is happening and why their attitude is not acceptable. our kid responds to being talked to like an adult, we just have to break it down and explain the reasoning and he understands it. 6. a majority of our tantrums are due to his sense of something not being fair. Like if we changed our mind on something without fully explaining, or in an undeserving punitive way. So we avoid this. We strive to be fair in our interactions. See the ice cream example in #3 and proactively avoiding a potential moment of perceived inequity. 7. Communicate a lot. Explain your rationale. Don't be a dictator type parent. I think this is common parenting and takes some creativity/patience to never say "because I said so". Best of luck to you!
- 11101010001100 4y ago
  About the dictator type parent; I remember being about 10yo or so, coming home from school and stating that 'this family is not a democracy' to which my father replied 'correct'.

actfrench 4y ago

I would disagree with this wording "are trying to manipulate to get what they want." And it sounds like from the rest of the things you said, that you also agree with me that it's important to focus on the unmet need. Younger kids generally throw tantrums because they have a need that is not being met. It is possible that they may learn over time that a parent gives them whatever they want when they throw a tantrum, but this comes with time. I think that whether you're dealing with a manipulative child or a manipulative adult, there is always a need that's not being met, whether that's a need for love, validation, more sleep or a healthier breakfast. Rarely is a young child going to consciously decide to throw a tantrum to get some naughty, forbidden thing. Let's be realistic. THey're not criminal masterminds. These tantrums are rarely pre-meditated. Why not trust your child, give them the benefit of the doubt and not assume they are lying or trying to manipulate you? I bet if they see your trust, they'll tell you the truth about what's really bothering them. It can be confusing for a young child to try to sort through it all and figure out what they need. So you can help them! And if you really feel this tantrum is just a ploy to get what they want, then you may have taught them that they did get what they want when they threw tantrums in the mast. Maybe consider having a talk with them about how the past where you simply say, hey, I know that in the past I've given you candy when you cried, but I'm not going to do that anymore because I see it's making you cry more. I understand you are sad and can continue to cry for candy if you want, but I'm not going to give it to you. THe time you will get candy is xyz. Janet Lansbury did a whole podcast on how to address a situation where a child's emotions seem fake and manipulative here https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions-seem-fake-and-manipulative/ https://www.janetlansbury.com/2021/04/when-a-childs-emotions...

digisign 4y ago
You may not be giving kids enough credit. Sure they may not be able to do these things at two but a four year old is a lot more cunning. I could give examples, but everyone's got 'em.
- actfrench 4y ago
  No 4 year old ever pre-meditated a temper tantrum. They may have learned it gets them what they want, but there’s probably a good reason they want that thing that can be explored abd they can be taught better ways of asking for what they want and need or dealing when they don’t get it. They are not malicious