4 ms·

Anecdotally, as a straight male in his 30s living abroad in a foreign country, I can say that the breakup and isolation during Covid lockdowns, plus the departu

Anecdotally, as a straight male in his 30s living abroad in a foreign country, I can say that the breakup and isolation during Covid lockdowns, plus the departure of a few close friends, has depressed me to destruction, that even therapy didn't help much, and I seem to get worse by the month. And I thought I was an introvert who loved to spend time alone. Which I do, but turns out I also need social interactions to survive, and since I always had it at my disposal, I only noticed the deficiency once I lost it and couldn't get it back. While I do take part in a couple of local regular sports group activities after work, making strong friendships or relationships from those has proven tough to nearly impossible. Seems like nearly everyone in their 30s with a full time job, already has kids or a romantic relationship or has a long term friend group from their youth that occupies their free time so they can't suddenly accommodate an extra +1. I can't see it getting better. I feel like a meatbag drone grinding away on shitty codebases in front of a screen 8h/day, just to pay rent and taxes for the next 40 years and die alone after, and compensate for the loneliness by traveling and sports. Only comfort is I don't suffer any grave physical illness so at least I got that going for me. Maybe I should switch careers to something lower paying that has more human interaction and a better female/male ratio than SW development.

samsquire 4y ago
Old people are often lonely for this reason. They spend all their life with one partner and they pass away or separate and they realise they have no friends or group to socialise with. People are difficult to get to know but they say if you get to know someone who is good and not a bad person you immediately love them. As a passing stranger reading your dilemma I also reject working until you die as a lifestyle choice. Everyone has the same 24 hours available to them. You don't have to accept the status quo if you don't want to. But you need to accept some risks. People have higher standards for others than for themselves. So getting to know people people put up walls of standards that they themselves don't abide. Happy to talk tech spiritual stuff with you if you want someone to talk to.
- arinlen 4y ago
  > (...) Everyone has the same 24 hours available to them. You don't have to accept the status quo if you don't want to. But you need to accept some risks. (...) That sounds like "let them eat cake"-level of advice. Those who work long hours and navigate burnout borders often do so because it's extremely important for them to at least meet a bar that unblocks other life goals. In some cases, not meeting the bar can result in losing a home, go bankrupt, or lose a partner/family. Framing that as just a risk that someone needs to accept is irresponsible and naive advice. It's like telling someone in a sinking ship that not managing to hold onto a life raft is a risk that needs to be accepted, when to them it's the only acceptable option.
  - samsquire 4y ago
    What I mean is that everyone has the same 24 hours available, if you want something to change you need to take a risk to change your circumstances. If you don't take a risk you cannot expect things to change. Of course things could get worse if you take a risk. But that's why we have limited liability. I am not framing their circumstances as something that people should just accept. I'm saying if they want something they should take a risk and try get it.
mensetmanusman 4y ago
Sorry you are going through this. One thing that I do is get coffee regularly in the morning with a group of guys. (It took dedication to get to this point) Community is showing up. We have been doing Mondays for almost 7 years now and not everyone is married with kids. If you pick somewhere and go there every week at the same time you slowly get incorporated. E.g. library, bookstore, chapel, coffee shop, bar, etc.
circlefavshape 4y ago
I dunno if this will work for you personally, but I've found amateur theatre and musical theatre to be good ways to meet people, and they're not male-dominated.
randomhodler84 4y ago
Same story and I feel the same way. It is the curse of our generation. We have no future, it was stolen from us by our selfish forebears. We will all die cold and alone as the world collapses around us.

samsquire 4y ago

Old people are often lonely for this reason. They spend all their life with one partner and they pass away or separate and they realise they have no friends or group to socialise with. People are difficult to get to know but they say if you get to know someone who is good and not a bad person you immediately love them. As a passing stranger reading your dilemma I also reject working until you die as a lifestyle choice. Everyone has the same 24 hours available to them. You don't have to accept the status quo if you don't want to. But you need to accept some risks. People have higher standards for others than for themselves. So getting to know people people put up walls of standards that they themselves don't abide. Happy to talk tech spiritual stuff with you if you want someone to talk to.

arinlen 4y ago
> (...) Everyone has the same 24 hours available to them. You don't have to accept the status quo if you don't want to. But you need to accept some risks. (...) That sounds like "let them eat cake"-level of advice. Those who work long hours and navigate burnout borders often do so because it's extremely important for them to at least meet a bar that unblocks other life goals. In some cases, not meeting the bar can result in losing a home, go bankrupt, or lose a partner/family. Framing that as just a risk that someone needs to accept is irresponsible and naive advice. It's like telling someone in a sinking ship that not managing to hold onto a life raft is a risk that needs to be accepted, when to them it's the only acceptable option.
- samsquire 4y ago
  What I mean is that everyone has the same 24 hours available, if you want something to change you need to take a risk to change your circumstances. If you don't take a risk you cannot expect things to change. Of course things could get worse if you take a risk. But that's why we have limited liability. I am not framing their circumstances as something that people should just accept. I'm saying if they want something they should take a risk and try get it.

mensetmanusman 4y ago

Sorry you are going through this. One thing that I do is get coffee regularly in the morning with a group of guys. (It took dedication to get to this point) Community is showing up. We have been doing Mondays for almost 7 years now and not everyone is married with kids. If you pick somewhere and go there every week at the same time you slowly get incorporated. E.g. library, bookstore, chapel, coffee shop, bar, etc.

circlefavshape 4y ago

I dunno if this will work for you personally, but I've found amateur theatre and musical theatre to be good ways to meet people, and they're not male-dominated.

randomhodler84 4y ago

Same story and I feel the same way. It is the curse of our generation. We have no future, it was stolen from us by our selfish forebears. We will all die cold and alone as the world collapses around us.