43 ms·

What do you mean by strategic? Like willing to be more vulnerable with others?

kstenerud 4y ago
Like looking for certain broad points of compatibility. For example, dominant and submissive traits are very fundamental to our nature, and too big of a mismatch here will be a source of conflict (two dominants) or unfulfillment (two submissives). There's a lot of wiggle room and nuance of course, but in broad strokes some people want to make the decisions, while others want to have those decisions made for them. It's important to take stock of where you want control, and where you want to give up control (and find someone who's somewhat close to your complement). You'll want at least some common interests so that you actively enjoy some of the things you can do together and are not always doing things together for the others benefit (although that IS important some of the time). You'll want somewhat similar approaches to home life (a major source of conflict). Some compromise is healthy, but too much is stifling. Honest, open and respectful communication is an absolute must in both you and your mate (with the odd slip-up that you make a point of correcting). Vulnerability basically comes with the territory here, since you can't be fully honest and open without becoming vulnerable. We all have our secret hurts and shames and desires and insecurities, and they'll always be a source of weakness if we can't trust our partners with them (after which they become a bond of strength). Having a deep relationship with another human being is a humbling experience, because it's impossible without sharing empathy and burdens and trust. It forces you to live outside of your own little world, and I'm beginning to think that I likely wouldn't have been capable of such a thing in my youth, even if I'd known then what I know now...
- syntaxfree 4y ago
  I find the whole dominant submissive thing misleading. I’m sexually submissive (or at least that’s what populates my fantasies) but tend to be more dominant in real life. Then: women tend to manage day to day life with me and “tell me what to do” (this occasionally crosses some wires in my head too) but I’m the one to take bolder decisions (initiatives, but my partners tend to follow my lead) like moving houses/cities, making large purchases, having children. My dad (from an older, perhaps more misogynistic generation) always said he and mom had an equal relationship but he was Captain of the ship. This has been the rule in my life: in crises, when taking bold steps forward, when taking risks, make-or-break decisions, I’m the Captain. Even if I often tried (before kids) to have women with my play the domination game outside the bedroom too. I’m an existential dominant, I guess.

Like looking for certain broad points of compatibility. For example, dominant and submissive traits are very fundamental to our nature, and too big of a mismatch here will be a source of conflict (two dominants) or unfulfillment (two submissives). There's a lot of wiggle room and nuance of course, but in broad strokes some people want to make the decisions, while others want to have those decisions made for them. It's important to take stock of where you want control, and where you want to give up control (and find someone who's somewhat close to your complement). You'll want at least some common interests so that you actively enjoy some of the things you can do together and are not always doing things together for the others benefit (although that IS important some of the time). You'll want somewhat similar approaches to home life (a major source of conflict). Some compromise is healthy, but too much is stifling. Honest, open and respectful communication is an absolute must in both you and your mate (with the odd slip-up that you make a point of correcting). Vulnerability basically comes with the territory here, since you can't be fully honest and open without becoming vulnerable. We all have our secret hurts and shames and desires and insecurities, and they'll always be a source of weakness if we can't trust our partners with them (after which they become a bond of strength). Having a deep relationship with another human being is a humbling experience, because it's impossible without sharing empathy and burdens and trust. It forces you to live outside of your own little world, and I'm beginning to think that I likely wouldn't have been capable of such a thing in my youth, even if I'd known then what I know now...

syntaxfree 4y ago
I find the whole dominant submissive thing misleading. I’m sexually submissive (or at least that’s what populates my fantasies) but tend to be more dominant in real life. Then: women tend to manage day to day life with me and “tell me what to do” (this occasionally crosses some wires in my head too) but I’m the one to take bolder decisions (initiatives, but my partners tend to follow my lead) like moving houses/cities, making large purchases, having children. My dad (from an older, perhaps more misogynistic generation) always said he and mom had an equal relationship but he was Captain of the ship. This has been the rule in my life: in crises, when taking bold steps forward, when taking risks, make-or-break decisions, I’m the Captain. Even if I often tried (before kids) to have women with my play the domination game outside the bedroom too. I’m an existential dominant, I guess.