4 ms·
So in case if people are interested with onset here's how it started. So I founded a startup around mid 2013, and we managed to get real traction by the end of
by schizo89 4y ago
So in case if people are interested with onset here's how it started.
So I founded a startup around mid 2013, and we managed to get real traction by the end of 2013. I was pulling long workdays 6 days a week, but results were worth it. My fiance wasn't happy with it, and slowly my personal life started to deteriorate, but I hopped that's just temporarily. Around that time I started to use marijuana to relief stress, but eventually developed a bad habbit a daily evening smoker.
By 2014 we started to look for post-seed funding, I managed to get some mid-funding from VCs, I started this marathon of even longer work-days, and tried to enforce this on my peers who didn't really wanted to go beyond 9-5. This is when tensions started to develop with a founding team. Mid-2014 we have only a month of runway and major VC negotiations dragging. I have a nervous breakdown shouting on my peers, blaming them for bad work.
My girl friend breaks up with me the same time and I'm double-devastated. We have to switch to remote-mode and cut half of our employees who all were my personal peers. We have to cut our own salaries and look for external gigs to stay afloat.
Around that time that major VC aqui-hires us and puts in their office. I really disliked the guys for their style and in hindsight it was obvious how they operate.
I continue to work from home only going there for weekly meetings.
And here's how psychosis breaks in. Initially a started to notice people following me when I go to office. I though that maybe their putting pressure on me, provoking me on something to officially exclude from a business. Then bizzare effects kicked in. It seemed to me like people on street were echoing my thoughts, commenting on my actions and me overall. I started to research the symptoms and they were straight from DSM-V. On one of the office meetings I started to get a sense that company isn't going anywhere, meeting are non-sence and participants are only acting. I had to look normal on the outside so I never leaked and of symptoms and never told anyone.
World of Wild West was running that time and I started to develop a delusion that I'm in simulation, that world around me is fake, that it's all a surreal joke. But it was only a beginning to me.
Eventually I was denied access to an office, my email and company accounts were cut, but I was never officially fired, jsut cancelled. I acted all the time, never gave a single clue that my mental state is cracked. My questions regarding business future, relations with investors and future of products were ignored. Thou I did continue to put on some code up until denial to entry.
So after 3 shocking strikes in a row: break-up, aggressive acquihire and firing a was left alone with little funds, so I switched to crypto to make a living. Symptoms were increasing in intensity, a heard faint voices when I was trying to fall asleep, sometime I would wake up and my head is occupied with seemings conflicting ideas about why on earth it has happened. I understood that delusions were trying to integrate with reality, but nonetheless with all my power to rationally think of things I started to develop double-thinking patterns. A full blown schizophrenia.
I made some money to continue living, but people on street were still commenting me, peers I met were hearing my thoughts. My parents weren't really my parents -- I felt like IRL deepfake actors. I still pushed through ignoring these delusions. By that time I wasn't smoking, drinking or taking any drugs. I understood that there's something fundamentally wrong about me, my world or probably my simulation meta-theory is way deeper than I previously though. I just acted and ignored these effects.
Around 2015 AI winter ended and I got my hands dirty with it (I am still involved). My found justification for some of my delusions, that probably I'm living within a VR-esque world with super-advanced AI. I could only act publicly, because these delusions made any interpersonal interactions impossible. I couldn't connect with people and eventually left alone in my schizo-world.
For next 5 years I learned to ignore the symptoms, never knowing what caused them.