4 ms·

Of all the comments in the thread, this one feels the most true to me. If you don't mind me asking, what did you end up doing?

dirtybirdnj 4y ago
Hahaha oh boy! Well, right now I'm trying to work through personal issues while I apply to jobs. It's really hard convincing myself I'm capable and qualified even though I have a resume to back up my skills. I'm doing a few small contract / freelance websites. One was a real disaster and made me question if I want to be involved in this part of freelance. There is a value for customer facing PMs but I've only experienced their wrath in unprofessional "us vs them" environments that didn't value engineers. On the plus side I picked up Next.js and I've worked with a few boilerplates enough to find what I like. I played around with Plasmic and while I like it, I found that sites I made with it became slow and clunky. I did a code test for a DREAM COMPANY local to where I live... they passed on me and this was a huge blow... but it was the first thing that's gotten me to do any real API development work in a few months and it was a good reminder that I still enjoy what I used to be able to get paid to do. I'm editing a bunch of video for my YouTube channel. I've found taking video of my skiing and fishing exploits to be a hugely gratifying and uplifting experience. I have a new skill and hobby (making videos) and I hope at some point it will open some doors for me. If I had six more months of runway I'd just be fishing and doing self care stuff but I have to keep walking on the emotional broken legs I have right now. My disability is invisible so it doesn't count to the NT world and in practical terms that just means I need to keep suffering, lowering my expectations and applying to shittier and shittier jobs till someone takes me. Therapy is essential but it's not fast and it's not a 100% sure thing. Part of me is completely demoralized and my gas tank is empty, but something deep down inside has been able to hang on and won't let me give up on life. I hope you have something similar.
- Kaze404 4y ago
  You did the exact thing I've been fantasizing for over 6 months at this point. Wishing you the best.
  - dirtybirdnj 4y ago
    If your anything like me, stop thinking about it and make changes to better your life. Stop rationalizing away the blockers. I mean this in the most generous, caring way but lower your standards. Find ways to break out of the cycles you are stuck in, sometimes this means readjusting your expectations. It's painful and awful but for the first time in a long time I feel some progress happening. It's never what you want but you have to seek ways of looking at things positively, they will never find you on their own.
    - Kaze404 4y ago
      I don't know if you'll see this, but today I got a job offer for an 80% pay raise, and I get to take a whole month to rest before starting. Coincidentally or not, this happened right after I decided to follow your advice and quit my job. Thank you.

dirtybirdnj 4y ago

Hahaha oh boy! Well, right now I'm trying to work through personal issues while I apply to jobs. It's really hard convincing myself I'm capable and qualified even though I have a resume to back up my skills. I'm doing a few small contract / freelance websites. One was a real disaster and made me question if I want to be involved in this part of freelance. There is a value for customer facing PMs but I've only experienced their wrath in unprofessional "us vs them" environments that didn't value engineers. On the plus side I picked up Next.js and I've worked with a few boilerplates enough to find what I like. I played around with Plasmic and while I like it, I found that sites I made with it became slow and clunky. I did a code test for a DREAM COMPANY local to where I live... they passed on me and this was a huge blow... but it was the first thing that's gotten me to do any real API development work in a few months and it was a good reminder that I still enjoy what I used to be able to get paid to do. I'm editing a bunch of video for my YouTube channel. I've found taking video of my skiing and fishing exploits to be a hugely gratifying and uplifting experience. I have a new skill and hobby (making videos) and I hope at some point it will open some doors for me. If I had six more months of runway I'd just be fishing and doing self care stuff but I have to keep walking on the emotional broken legs I have right now. My disability is invisible so it doesn't count to the NT world and in practical terms that just means I need to keep suffering, lowering my expectations and applying to shittier and shittier jobs till someone takes me. Therapy is essential but it's not fast and it's not a 100% sure thing. Part of me is completely demoralized and my gas tank is empty, but something deep down inside has been able to hang on and won't let me give up on life. I hope you have something similar.

Kaze404 4y ago
You did the exact thing I've been fantasizing for over 6 months at this point. Wishing you the best.
- dirtybirdnj 4y ago
  If your anything like me, stop thinking about it and make changes to better your life. Stop rationalizing away the blockers. I mean this in the most generous, caring way but lower your standards. Find ways to break out of the cycles you are stuck in, sometimes this means readjusting your expectations. It's painful and awful but for the first time in a long time I feel some progress happening. It's never what you want but you have to seek ways of looking at things positively, they will never find you on their own.
  - Kaze404 4y ago
    I don't know if you'll see this, but today I got a job offer for an 80% pay raise, and I get to take a whole month to rest before starting. Coincidentally or not, this happened right after I decided to follow your advice and quit my job. Thank you.